Here’s What True Emotional Intimacy Really Looks Like

The first thing most of us think when we hear the word “intimacy,” is, as we’d expect, the verb of being intimate. The physical reality that manifests itself between two people who love and care for each other.

This manifestation, however, is fueled by a deep and meaningful emotional bond that brings us together in ways that create a feeling of safety, trust, attraction, and desire.

Mind you…I’m not just talking about sex. Anyone can have sex, but not everyone will put in the time and work that it takes to build real, lasting, intimacy.

Below, we’ll discuss the feelings and experiences you and your partner will share when emotional intimacy is truly present between you.

1: You’re comfortable being fully vulnerable with each other.

Being physically naked in front of someone is one thing…being emotionally exposed is entirely another.

Considering the insecurities most of us feel about our appearance, we may tacitly assume that being physically open requires an immense amount of trust in ourselves and our partner…which, of course, it does.

However…exposing ourselves to them emotionally is a completely different experience where we feel as though our very identity, our very sense of being, is laid out in front of another person with the hopes that they will accept, value, and love what they see.

That feels like a far greater risk, but it also offers a far greater reward.

The reward is the freedom to be your truest self in their presence.

When you’ve both taken the chance and opened up to each other in ways that you never have before, you gain the freedom to stop hiding the parts of yourself that you have in the past. You give yourself (and your partner) the gift of who you truly are without the mask on, without the act, without the show.

You are truly you, and they are truly them.

Once that vulnerability is established, both partners have the duty to maintain the trust that is given. That, however, is the greatest gift that you can give or receive.

2: Your conversations have depth and substance.

True intimacy can, after all, only be built through conversation that dives beneath the surface of our everyday “chats.”

Getting to know someone isn’t just about asking what city they’re from, or what their favorite movie is, or learning what their hobbies are.

Humans are complex and nuanced creatures who can teach us about themselves, quite literally, for decades to come.

My parents have been happily married for over 40 years, and tell me often that they’re still learning things about each other.

This deep sense of learning and connection doesn’t happen over talks about the weather, or which team won the game today, or what happened at work.

It happens through baring your souls to each other, through conversations that stir up emotion, through uncensored and unfiltered honesty about things that really matter.

It comes from making the commitment to understand each other the best you can, and when you can’t fully understand them, to still accept them just the same

3: You’re friends.

“But James! *gasp* What about the…friend zone?!”

There’s a big difference between being “just friends” and “best friends” with your intimate partner.

Being “just friends” signals a strictly platonic relationship where neither physical nor emotional intimacy can live.

However, we must all strive for a foundation of friendship itself with our partner.

Friends respect each other.

Friends understand each other.

Friends enjoy spending time with each other.

Friends LIKE each other.

Friends accept each other as they are.

Friends do the boring and mundane things together.

(I’ll get into many of these as the article goes on…)

Without a deeper foundation of friendship, you may enjoy your physical time together, but where is the more meaningful substance that must reside beneath the surface?

What is it that helps you enjoy the “boring” and platonic times together, if not friendship itself?

The truth is that the majority of your lives together is going to be spent doing non-sexual things. Things that require you to just “hang out,” or to attend an event together, or to travel together. The older you get, the more frequent this time will become.

Make sure you actually LIKE the person you’re spending it with.

4: You can do…NOTHING…together.

Alright, we’ve established that you’ll be doing a lot of stuff over the course of your lives together, but what about the times when you’re doing nothing at all?

The times when you’re sitting in silence, perhaps reading, or listening to music, or…let’s face it because it’s 2026…scrolling on your phones?

Are you avoiding talking to each other, leading to the silence?

Or, are you so comfortable with each other, that the peace resonates louder than words ever could?

We often talk about the importance of passion in intimate relationships, and there’s no denying the need for it. What we don’t talk about enough, though, is the ability to simply exist alongside a person and not always feel the need to fill the space either with physical activity or talking about much of nothing.

When you feel truly comfortable and secure with someone, oftentimes saying nothing at all is the clearest way to express it.

5: You touch each other NON-sexually.

How do you express your affection to your partner? Everyone has different tendencies, but I think we can all agree that feeling the touch of someone you love, and/or touching them in return, gives us a feeling of security, warmth, and love.

In this instance, I’m talking about non-sexual touch.

Think about it…anyone who’s attracted to you is going to want to get their hands all over you — and then, inevitably, have that touch escalate and lead to something else.

When emotional intimacy exists, though, the purpose of the touch is not to escalate, but to communicate.

To communicate affection.

To communicate trust.

To communicate connection.

To communicate comfort.

We touch someone we love because we want to feel close to them, or we want them to feel safe, or because we want to feel safe.

It’s not always about turning it into “something else,” unless, of course, that’s the only thing someone is looking for.

6: You KNOW what bothers them, and you avoid it.

Let me be clear about this: I am not suggesting you should ever have to walk on eggshells around your partner. That, in itself, is a sign of an unhealthy or controlling relationship.

What I am saying, is that over time, you both learn about each other’s likes and dislikes. You know what bothers your partner, and they know what bothers you.

This is simply a result of spending years (or decades) together.

The sign of respect, that follows though, is not doing the things you know they dislike.

Why does this signal intimacy, you ask?

Because it shows a deep consideration for another person’s feelings and emotions. It shows that the decisions you make are in the hopes of making them happy, helping to avoid pain and conflict, and are respectful of their feelings.

7: They’re your “go-to” for everything, good or bad.

You just won big at work? They’re the first call you make.

You just missed out on that promotion you’d been vying for? They’re the first call you make.

You need to vent about your shareholders’ meeting? They’re your support system.

You’re celebrating a major exit? They’re planning the party.

Family drama? Them.

Illness? Them.

Facing a loss? Them.

True emotional intimacy brings people together regardless of the circumstance. It forms a soft cushion of safety and trust that makes us understand they’re someone we can count on through it all.

Anyone can be by your side during the sunny days, the true test of their love is whether or not they’ll hold the umbrella over you during the rainy days.

8: There are no secrets between you.

We already talked about being vulnerable, but showing your feelings to someone and confessing your deepest secrets are two completely different conversations.

One night over a year before we got married, long before we were even engaged, Rachel and I sat down and literally had a conversation where we explored each other’s secrets and laid all of our cards on the table.

What one usually discovers during these times is that nothing we’re “hiding” is ever as bad as we think it is inside of our minds.

But, of course, we’re scared of being judged or rejected by another person…or even that they’ll leave us if they learn who we really are.

I believe, for that very reason, we must share our secrets with them.

How else will we know if they’re in love with the real version of us? The one that nobody else sees? The person who only exists when we are free to release them?

That’s what real love, intimacy, and connection is about. When you can see everything a person is, was, and will be, and love them just the same.

This, of course, is what builds trust, which is a non-negotiable hallmark of an emotionally intimate relationship. You simply cannot love, respect, or commit yourself fully to a person whom you cannot trust.

9: You know what they’re NOT saying.

We’d all love it if everything was sunshine and rainbows all the time in our relationships, but we all know that’s not what actual reality looks like, no matter what image we put across on social media.

Life comes along with stress, struggles, disagreements, annoyances, and even arguments.

True emotional intimacy doesn’t mean you can avoid all of these things completely…nobody can.

It does, however, help you better understand and navigate the issues when they arise.

Not everyone is going to come right out and tell us when something is wrong, but a deep emotional connection will help you understand it even when they’re not saying it.

You know their moods, their tendencies, their patterns, their facial expressions…and you can tell when something is off.

Use this to explore and inquire about what you can do (if anything) to help. If they need time alone, grant them that. If they want to talk but don’t know what to say, you’ve just opened the door for them.

10: They can listen to you without getting defensive or judgmental.

Some people think that “keeping the peace” all the time is the mark of a healthy relationship.

The truth is that if keeping the peace requires lying or dishonesty, that’s not a healthy relationship at all.

In a healthy relationship, both partners can be honest about anything…even if it means being honest about each other.

It’s difficult to pledge calmness and poise during highly emotional or personal conversations, but that is exactly when it’s needed most.

We should have the ability to be truthful with our partners at all times, even if that means reminding them that they’re capable of more than they’re achieving, that they’ve fallen short on an agreement you made, or that they’re doing something harmful to their own health.

It should go without saying that we all need to practice kindness and empathy when broaching touchy subjects, but if we avoid them and things get worse down the road because they weren’t addressed, it does nobody any favors.

11: You tie their needs and desires to your own.

True emotional intimacy is when someone else’s happiness is just as important, if not more important than your own.

Seeing them happy makes you happy.

You want to see their needs and desires fulfilled, and you want to help that become reality as much as you can.

You truly want the best for them in all areas of life, and feel the warmth of their happiness when they get it.

Conversely, their pain becomes yours as well, and you lend them your strength to heal it.

You are inextricably bound through every emotional layer. That is what, quite literally, creates the bond between you.

12: You “take inventory” together.

One of the most important but difficult exercises I suggest to my private clients is “taking inventory” of their relationships along the journey.

What I mean by this is:

Look HONESTLY at how things are going after a couple of months. Are you happy? What do you like or not like about this person?

6 months: do it again. Be HONEST about what you see. Make any changes necessary, even if it means leaving.

9 months: Same thing.

12 months: You get the idea.

By NOT doing this, we run the risk of staying with the wrong person for far too long (maybe forever) because we refuse to see what is right in front of our face.

This is an important exercise for couples as well. And no, it’s not as disastrous as you may think.

True emotional connection empowers you to be HONEST with each other about where things can improve, both from an individual standpoint, and as a team working together.

What are you doing right? Where can you show up better for each other?

Then, you put in the work to back it up.

13: You participate in each others’ interests.

I know, I know…you can’t stand the smell of fuel at all of those drag races your boyfriend goes to. And they’re just so loud.

I also get that you find the art exhibits she loves exhausting and boring, and none of the pieces make any sense to you.

But, you go, and you don’t complain about it, because you love this person and enjoy seeing them thriving and happy doing the things that they love.

If you didn’t have emotional intimacy, you’d have no reason to spend your time doing anything other than what you want to do.

But, sometimes, showing someone you care requires you to be by their side while they pursue their own passions…it’s how you show them that you’re committed to their full selves, not just the parts that you enjoy, too.

14: You keep the spark alive.

Yes, finally, I’m talking about actual sex, not just emotional intimacy.

We discussed NON sexual touch, but the reality of relationships is that emotional intimacy is the fuel that lights the flame of physical intimacy.

That strong bond between you creates a deeper and more intoxicating level of attraction. “Having sex” evolves into “making love,” which is a completely different experience.

This, though, doesn’t last forever without work and effort.

You must keep planning dates together.

You must spend alone time together.

You must keep being romantic.

You must “do that thing” or “wear that thing” he or she likes.

You must both put in mutual effort to set each other ablaze both emotionally and physically.

When real emotional intimacy exists, this is an exciting and fun proposition, not a scary or intimidating one.

15: You are free to be YOU.

An emotionally healthy and intimate relationship isn’t just how you feel about the other person…

It’s also how that other person makes you feel about yourself.

Healthy love makes you feel more like who you really are, not less.

It makes you feel free, not restricted.

It allows you to shine from within, never to dim your own light.

When true emotional intimacy exists, with the right person, they’ll love everything about you that the wrong people took for granted, and you’ll finally see why it never worked out with anyone else…

Until now.

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