15 Defining Traits of Good Men

When I first started writing on here (way) back in 2013, I was focused on these missions: To help men become even better versions of themselves. To help them understand relationships and attraction. To help them gain confidence, and to stop living in the shadows of others.

Now, more than a decade, 40 million+ views later, the irony is that the vast majority of my readers, and many of my private clients…are women.

Why do you think that is?

In my experience, men are (generally speaking) less interested in personal development. They don’t want to admit their faults, they don’t want another man telling them what to do (even though that’s not what coaching is), and they don’t want to change their ways.

Of course, there are the exceptions to these rules. I also have the honor of coaching some massively inspiring and successful men.  Shout-out to my incredible clients.

My male friends are spectacular people. I do understand that they are out there.

How is it, though, that you might spot one of these diamonds in the rough? These men that could be classified as modern gentlemen? The men who hold themselves to a higher standard of conduct?

Pay attention to how a man lives his life, and you’ll learn much about how he sees himself and the world around him.

1: He leads with kindness wherever he goes.

A true mark of a gentleman is how he decides he’s going to show up in the world. How he decides he’s going to treat people. This decision has nothing to do with anything, or anyone else.

It’s not dependent on your social status, on your income level, on your job title, on the context he meets you in.

He doesn’t alter the way he treats people because the treatment being projected is part of his identity. It’s a decision that he has made; to be a kindhearted, authentic, and steady presence in a world full of strife and conflict.

This means that when you see him, you know what you’re going to get, because his identity doesn’t change from day to day, or from one interaction to the next.

If you notice that someone alters their state depending on who they’re around, it could be a sign that they’re putting on an act in order to get what they want from each individual person or circumstance.

A gentleman doesn’t act in self-serving ways, though…he is who he is, no matter where he is.

2: He is focused on self-improvement.

I mentioned in the introduction that many men are generally disinterested in topics of personal development.

This is undoubtedly going to ruffle some feathers, as it does every time I bring it up.

It is, however, based on more than a decade of my personal experience in the personal development industry, working with a huge variety of people both privately and publicly.

To be honest, this really isn’t a surprise if you remove the emotion from the equation and think about it logically.

How many men take the risk and responsibility of leadership roles, compared to those who’d rather follow? Leadership at work, or in life, or love, or politics, or starting a business, or…whatever the case may be.

Most men would prefer to coast along and clock out at the end of the day. That’s what is more comfortable, and simpler.

And, hey, if that’s what truly makes you happy and brings you the life you want, then more power to you. There is no right or wrong way to live.

I will say this, though: Men who are driven to level up in life understand that improving themselves is a requirement.

To perform at a higher level, we must operate on a higher level. We must elevate our skills, our mindset, our view of ourselves and what is possible.

We must develop healthy habits and routines that improve our mental and physical health, our confidence, our credibility with ourselves.

This is quite literally the only way to improve.

Men who are willing to coast along have no real reason to push themselves outside of their comfort zone, as they aren’t interested in the lifestyle or the benefits that it would bring to them.

Those who want more, though, are focused on becoming more.

3: He is willing to take risks.

Progress of any kind requires risk. It requires stepping outside of your comfort zone. It sometimes requires doing things that you once never thought you’d do.

It requires being wrong sometimes.

A gentleman is comfortable with being wrong because he understands those instances are opportunities to learn and grow.

We all know someone who refuses to be wrong. They refuse to take responsibility. They avoid accountability for their actions at all costs.

Likely, their ego is too fragile to admit that they’re anything less than perfect. Their entire manufactured view of themselves would fall apart if they acknowledged that reality.

A gentleman, though, knows that nobody is perfect, not even himself.

He understands that being willing to admit a mistake or a lack of knowledge opens a new door of learning to him.

He can step through that door and find new information that helps him improve, gain new skills, and apply them to his growth the next time around.

Not only that, he’ll be a better partner in a relationship, because he’s not always trying to pass off the blame to someone else.

Men who are stagnant and set in their ways refuse to admit being wrong because they’ve tied their identity to being right. If they’re not right all the time…then, who are they?

A gentleman, though, understands that tying your identity to learning and growth brings with it endless possibilities and limitless horizons.

4: He prioritizes his relationships and his family.

I believe that a man has two foundational cores in his life: His inherent identity, which is at the very center of who he is and the life he lives…and also, the relationships he builds.

The closest of his relationships, of course, are his family. I use this term generally to reflect relatives such as siblings and parents, but also the family he builds for himself through marriage or procreation (if he so chooses).

Friendships, working relationships, and even simple acquaintances are all relationships on varying levels of closeness, as well.

All of these relationships, though, bring more joy and fulfillment to one’s life than any accomplishment or material item is capable of doing.

Therefore, they must be prioritized above all else.

I believe that we should all strive to make a positive impact in the world, to live with honor and integrity, to achieve success and accomplish goals…whatever those things mean to you as an individual.

However, I do not think we should ever risk, jeopardize, or sacrifice our family or relationships in the process. If a gentleman feels his professional endeavors negatively impacting his personal life, he should (and will) take time to reflect on how to create further harmony before too much damage is done.

5: He values truth above comfort.

A long time ago I became enamored with the word truth.

This might sound silly at first, but hear me out for a second…

Truth is an objective reality which can only have one universal conclusion.

Truth is not a matter of opinion.

Truth doesn’t care if you like it or not.

Truth makes people uncomfortable all the time…but it can also provide comfort and solace.

Truth is steadfast and unshakable. It cannot be negotiated with.

The human eye perceives the sky as the color blue. That is an inarguable truth.

Some truths are more personal, perhaps even painful to accept.

They are, though, truths nonetheless.

Looking at reality and prioritizing what is true is what helps us live our most connected and empowered lives.

Some people seek comfort, even if it means believing a lie, or tacitly accepting what we are told without questioning it.

I don’t personally believe this is the path to a full and vibrant life, because it effectively creates a fantasy land for us that is removed from reality.

Related to point #3, learning the truth is difficult because it might mean you’ve been wrong about something up until this point. But, as we’ve discussed, this is an opportunity to learn and grow, not to be willingly comforted by the blanket of dishonesty.

6: He GIVES truth at all times.

Ah, honesty.

If a man values receiving truth in his life, it follows that he’ll value giving it, as well.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting a gentleman goes around pointing out people’s flaws or confusing honesty for meanness. Just the opposite, actually.

His approach to honesty is one of gentle kindness. One that elevates the truth to a level of grace and delivers it as such.

He understands that a reputation for honesty brings with it a reputation for trust, reliability, consistency…you can count on a man who you know will be honest with you. You can go to him for advice, counsel, and input.

You simply cannot be a good man and a dishonest man simultaneously. The two do not align.

7: He is confident, but not arrogant.

True confidence does not show up thinking that it’s better than everyone else.

True confidence is a calm and certain state of being that is projected through steady and strong actions.

It’s certain in itself because it has proven itself over time.

Arrogance is still trying to prove itself. It’s putting on a show to make sure that you notice it, because deep down, it is worried that you won’t.

Confidence doesn’t care whether or not you notice it, because its presence is not affected by your attention.

Confidence has been created and strengthened from within, it’s not made or broken by external validation (or lack thereof).

8: He deeply feels (and expresses) gratitude.

It is a very difficult task to live a full and vibrant life if we are not grateful for the things and people that are in it.

If we get so busy or caught up in our ambitions, or our challenges, or our overwhelming and demanding daily routines that we lose sight of what and who we already have…life will feel empty, no matter how full it is.

A man who understands this can be fully connected to those around him because he values their presence in his life.

He can truly enjoy his accomplishments because he recognizes the efforts they took to achieve.

He can give more to others because he lives in abundance.

Most importantly, his relationships will thrive because each person in his life knows just how much they mean to him.

If he fails to feel or express gratitude, he’ll quickly notice people pulling away from him, and opportunities around him slowing in equal measure.

9: He strives to serve his partner.

Great relationships are not about give and take, they’re about give and give.

A “gentleman” who doesn’t strive to make his partner happy is no gentleman at all.

He will honor the promises and commitments he keeps to the person he loves, and spend every day making sure they feel valued, appreciated, and cherished.

Yes, his work or business is demanding, and life can become chaotic and overwhelming…

But, at the core of it all, is his intimate relationship (if he is in one), and it subsequently affects all other areas of life.

If his relationship is strained and strife with conflict, he will lose focus and ambition in other areas, as well.

Stress and depression have both physical and mental impacts.

Arguments and harsh words can live in our mind for days or weeks.

Making (and keeping) an intimate relationship a priority will help to create a sense of harmony, love, and purpose in one’s life.

It matters not what stage of the relationship one is in. It matters not if you’re dating, engaged, or married. It matters not if you do or don’t have children, nor how many.

It only matters that you remember the person you’re committed to is at the center of the life you are building together, and the health of that relationship will directly impact everything else you touch.

10: He prioritizes his physical AND mental health.

You cannot show up at your best for others if you are not caring for yourself, first.

Self care is not selfish.

It’s not just about going to the gym, or going on your run, or getting to that daily yoga class, either…it’s also about maintaining your mental and emotional health with equal veracity.

In order to operate at our best, we must be our best. We must remain active and challenge ourselves on a regular basis in order to progress and grow.

Equally important is maintenance and recharging, which focus in these areas can also help us achieve.

He will know that if he lets any of these areas of his life slip in importance, the corresponding pieces of life that depend on them will suffer.

If he stops maintaining his physical health, he will have less energy, be more sluggish, and lose a sense of confidence in himself. This can directly impact his work, his performance in your relationship, and how he feels about himself internally as well.

If he stops maintaining his mental health he can quickly feel burned out and overwhelmed, which could make him short tempered, irritable, and frustrated.

If he stops maintaining his emotional health he might feel disconnected from you, or generally unsatisfied in his relationship. Not to mention feel a sense of confusion or depression in areas other than the relationship.

We all know that certain things are simply outside of our control. Medical challenges arise. A loss occurs. Sickness or injury inflict us.

Even more reason, though, to build a strong and solid foundation while we are able — so we can bolster ourselves against the challenges of life.

11: He is conscious of his appearance.

First thing’s first: Being a gentleman has nothing to do with one’s appearance.

It matters not how lucky (or unlucky) he got in the genetic lottery.

It doesn’t matter how much money he has for clothing, or even how he dresses, per say.

What matters is how he aligns with and executes his own personal style.

That he practices good hygiene.

That he expresses himself through a comfortable and unique style that speaks to who he is and what’s important to him.

That he just puts in some effort when the occasion calls for it.

We all mope around in big hoodies and sweatpants when there’s not much to do, or when winter rolls around, or when we’re not feeling well. Nobody cares, everyone does it.

However, when it comes to showing up in the world, going on a date, giving a presentation, or just having a casual coffee with a friend…a gentleman is conscious of his appearance and strives to be proud of how he’s chosen to present himself.

12: He makes everyone feel like the most important person in the room.

A gentleman, similar to a good leader, isn’t trying to convince you that he is the most important person in the room. Conversely, he makes you feel like you are.

He’s inquisitive and engaged. He is present in the moment. He’s genuinely interested in who you are, and what you’re about. This goes for any social interaction, but particularly dating. Of course, networking and business relationships are also best approached in this fashion.

This is the mark of a memorable man (and yes, obviously women, too)…when they make you feel special.

You’ll instantly forget someone who is rambling on about how great they are, but you’ll always remember someone who made you feel important.

13: He speaks with tact and intention.

I believe (no surprise as a professional speaker) that developing healthy communication skills is perhaps one of the most important things any human can ever do.

The talent for speaking eloquently, concisely, and clearly will benefit nearly every single area of one’s life.

It helps you build relationships, it helps you get your ideas across in a meeting, it helps you gain respect from others, and it helps you express yourself clearly.

It also empowers you to speak on behalf of others who may not have honed their voice quite yet.

It eliminates the need to utilize crude or vulgar language just to get a point across (though I do enjoy it for emphasis at times, but it should never be a necessity).

It expresses intelligence, confidence, and aptitude.

14: He is connected with his emotions.

It’s no secret that from a young age, many boys are encouraged to hide or ignore their emotions for the sake of “being a man.”

While this narrative has (thankfully) changed in recent years, it is still in the infancy of adoption across society as a whole, and many resist it, citing the nonsensical argument that it’s “feminizing boys.”

The truth is that it takes more strength to acknowledge your feelings than it does to run from them.

It takes more courage to be honest about your thoughts than it does to hide them.

It takes more fortitude to embrace the entire human experience rather than pretending only the good parts exist.

Now, don’t get me wrong: I’m not saying that he should be bursting into tears at every pet adoption commercial.

What I am saying is that part of being a well rounded and fully present man is acknowledging and respecting the feelings and emotions that come along with the human experience.

The journey has begun to normalize this, and I believe we’ll all be better off the further down the road we get.

15: He is clear and unwavering in his identity and purpose.

A gentleman’s code of conduct cannot be fully developed if he is uncertain about who he is, what he stands for, or the purpose he is driven by.

This is the very compass that guides him through his life.

It is the beacon that helps him make the best decisions for him and his loved ones.

It is the driving force that keeps his ambitions lit aflame.

It is the foundation of his values, his beliefs, and the creation of the man who will live in alignment with them.

When he is strong and clear on who he is and what he stands for, nothing can ever pull him off track.

He is who he is because he fully believes in his path and purpose…

And he embraces the universal truth that we should all dedicate ourselves to:

The more that you believe in yourself, the less it matters if anyone else does.

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• James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.
• Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
• James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.