Here’s How Men Can Find Their Way Again

I’ve never fit in. Starting from childhood and my first years in school, I experienced bullying, challenges making friends, and as I got older…had absolutely zero success with dating and relationships. The irony of now being a top love and relationship writer, and building a 10+ year career as a private advisor in these areas, is not lost on me.

Here’s the thing, though: As I got older and (theoretically) wiser, I understood the roots of why I was different. I’ve grown to be proud of those differences rather than confused by them.

If you’ve read my writing before, you know that I grew up in a traditional Italian family where values were adhered to, marriages lasted, and promises were kept.

My parents, to this day, are (sometimes overly) romantic, go on frequent dates, take trips together, and gush about each other on Facebook.

That is what I grew up seeing as “normal” in love and relationships.

My late grandparents were the same way, and would’ve been the same way online if Facebook existed in their era. They were married for nearly seventy years before they departed this earth.

Let me be clear: I am in no way, shape, or form saying that my upbringing or my perspective is any “better” than anyone else’s. What I am illustrating, is with the environment I grew up in being so different than those around me, that it became clear through the years why I was different, as well.

I have been immensely fortunate to spend all of my years surrounded by strong and stable male (and female) role models who taught me through both word and example, what it means to be a good person. I can now say the same about my adult friends, as well as my family members.

Honor. Dignity. Respect. Integrity. Resilience. Honesty. Love.

Into adolescence, I found myself supplementing my knowledge with more mainstream resources.

I’d pick up my dad’s copies of Men’s Health magazine, or Robb Report (which I still read to this day, and now my kids leaf through every month). I’d browse the pages of GQ and Esquire on flights. I would look for, and to, men in the world that I respected and admired. I’d study what made them who they were. I’d read about relationships. Success. Psychology.

My brother and I would sit for hours around the dinner table on Sundays with “the adults” even when we were children. We’d listen, absorb, observe, and eventually join the conversation.

I’d spend a few days with my dad out on business, watching how he’d treat people. Watching how he’d slide tips to doormen on family vacations. Wondering how he seemed to run into someone he knew everywhere we went. Watching (and feeling) the firmness of a good handshake. Subconsciously, I was absorbing all of it.

All of these experiences provided balance.

Fast forward to 2026.

As I spend even more time diving into the works and words of other great men (Marcus Aurelius, Dale Carnegie, and other revolutionaries) I find that their philosophies exist primarily just on the page today.

Rarely are they implemented or discussed in modern society. I’ll go one step further: Rarely are they even known about in modern society.

This is yet another reason why I recently released The 100 Tenets of Good Men.

Not to place these men (or any others) on pedestals, but to simply highlight the honor and integrity that they strove for. The moral code, the internal drive to leave a positive legacy, and uplift the lives of those they met along the way.

“Honor” is a word seldom spoken in today’s age, let alone a concept prioritized.

Where did it all go?

The resources, of course, will always exist. The books, the podcasts, the private coaches (wink, wink), and the men who are still working every day to set positive examples in their families, social lives, and careers.

They seem, though, to be fewer and farther between the more time goes on.

We’re turning more inward now, as social media has given everyone a voice. A brand. An image. A platform.

While this is an enormous advantage, it also dilutes the impact of our messages as everyone is trying to win their own attention over everyone else.

The focus becomes less on: “What can I learn from them?” And more on: “What do I want everyone to hear me say?”

We must, like everything else in life, strike a balance.

Find the resources, and also be a resource.

Less focus on the seeking of knowledge, though, decreases the demand for said knowledge.

This shifts the mainstream towards what the public wants.

Less education, more entertainment.

Slowly, but surely, the quality and nature of the information begins to shift.

It doesn’t happen overnight, but over years…decades, even.

Some, for the better. We’re objectifying women less (still a ways to go there) in advertisements, for example.

But, there’s also less thoughtful and meaningful content being produced.

Smaller publications and houses go under because there’s not enough demand for their knowledge, so that knowledge ceases to be available.

Larger publications shift themselves towards what the mainstream wants, which is Tik Tok dances and the latest trend in baggy sweatshirts.

Give the people what they want, and all of that.

Momentum in the wrong direction.

The inevitable result is that lost and misguided boys grow up to be lost and misguided men who have their own children.

You cannot teach what you do not know.

These patterns gain steam over the generations as they become more and more embedded in families and traditions.

Let me be clear once again: This doesn’t make anyone a bad person. It doesn’t mean they’re intentionally inflicting damage on those around them. It doesn’t mean they’re leading their children or relationships in the wrong direction on purpose.

It simply means that you cannot have knowledge you were never given.

Some, as a result, will seek the knowledge and guidance elsewhere. As we discussed, it is available to anyone who wants it.

Most, though, remain uninterested, uninformed, or just unaware. It’s not part of their everyday reality, so why bother?

Then, they start meeting women who wish they HAD bothered. Women who are tired of coming across this same type of lost and misguided man over and over again.

Frustrated and confused, these men can’t figure out what they’re doing wrong because, well, you don’t know what you don’t know.

Who’s there to tell them? To guide them? For them to confide in?

Usually…nobody.

The cycle, again, continues.

It’s no surprise, then, that we’re barreling towards mountains of failed relationships, unhappy men (and women), misguided youth, and a general graveyard of morals and values.

Don’t be mistaken: This is not a call for “traditional” values or a rewind to the past. Many of these issues were even worse a few decades ago when it was taboo for men to admit they have emotions, or to show them, or to ask for help. At least, now, we’re more open and less judgmental about the fact that men are also human beings.

It is, however, raising the question of: “What can we learn from those who’ve walked the path?”

Why should men even care?

I get this a lot from female clients: They tell me that not only are men lost, but they don’t even care to be found. There’s no interest in growing, or changing, or working to improve themselves.

I get this a lot from male clients: They never learned, or even were exposed to, the foundations and makings of healthy relationships. They weren’t taught how to process or express their emotions. They weren’t encouraged to be introspective or to reach out for help when they needed it. It just wasn’t part of the conversation, and that’s probably because their male role models weren’t taught any of it, either.

Again: You cannot teach what you do not know.

I’ve been a life and executive coach for more than a decade and, while I have had (to their credit) a large number of male clients, the vast majority has always been female.

So, I get it.

Admitting you want or need help feels like a shot to the ego.

It takes a deep desire to explore your “wiring” and figure out what you’ve been taught that might not be serving you anymore.

It feels impossibly difficult to change sometimes. Most men just plug along, distracting themselves, focusing on different things, diving into their work, and avoiding their challenges or pretending they don’t exist in the first place.

But, we already know that only makes things worse. Resentment and loneliness grow. Tempers shorten. Frustration boils. Problems never get resolved, only covered up for a time until they boil over again…and again…and again.

Men should care because, well, we’re human, and our time on this earth is limited.

Living it with underlying feelings of unrest and dissatisfaction is like dealing with termites in your house. They just may be a small annoyance right now, but in a few years they might bring the entire thing to pieces.

What’s the solution?

This entire issue is why I started writing more than a decade ago in the first place. I believe having the conversation is the first step. Acknowledging the truth for what it is. Making it okay to call out the “dumbing down” of the information we absorb on a regular basis.

That’s why platforms such as this (Medium) are so powerful. It provides a home for those who are willing to think further.

The only real solution, though, is for men to understand there’s a problem without feeling shame around it. To separate themselves from blame and, instead, take responsibility for fixing something even though they didn’t break it.

This will lead to stronger relationships, stronger families, more emotionally mature and stable men who can show up for themselves and their loved ones on a higher level. More patience. More understanding. More communication and forgiveness.

Seek out the resources, gentlemen. The knowledge is available. It’s cheap, or even free. You don’t need to keep repeating the same patterns over and over again.

Creating the issue wasn’t your fault, but addressing it is your responsibility.

Look to those you admire and learn from them. Write them a letter or an email. Create a connection. Seek truth and knowledge. Advocate for yourself. Refuse to settle for what you’ve been handed if it doesn’t serve you any longer.

Become your own role model. From that point forth: Everything will change.

Let me know in the comments: What are your thoughts? Who do you look to as a role model or positive example? What solutions do you propose to move the conversation forward?

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• James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.
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