It’s Not “Complicated,” They’re Just The Wrong Person
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The right person will enhance your life, not complicate your life.
Have you ever settled for for “it’s complicated” because you’ve just assumed that’s how every relationship must be?
Your partner is hot and cold, off and on, incongruent with their words and actions.
But, they’re still sticking around, so they must want to be with you…right?
Unless, maybe, they’re not leaving for the same reasons that you’re not leaving.
It’s easy to mistake attachment for commitment. If they keep coming back or sticking around even when things are clearly not working, that can feel like dedication to you or the relationship.
If they wanted to leave, they would.
Says the person who, deep down, wants to leave…but doesn’t.
How long? How long have you, or will you spend with someone who’s not sure about you? How many more weeks, months, or even years do you think have been taken away from the chance to meet and be with someone who is sure about you?
Relationships, of course, are intricate and nothing is ever perfect. Sometimes, though, two people are simply not compatible to be together.
It doesn’t mean she is right and he is wrong.
It doesn’t mean he is good and she is bad.
You can both be perfectly good people with the best of intentions, and simply not fit together.
Here are some signs you’re stuck in this negative cycle:
You feel emotionally exhausted.
A solid relationship should enhance your life, not complicate your life. You should feel energized by the other persons’ presence in your life. Inspired. Motivated. Excited.
If you are mentally and emotionally drained, you may be sacrificing your own well-being for the sake of an unhealthy relationship.
You’re smiling less when you’re alone.
The one person you can’t hide your feelings from, is yourself. It’s easy to convince those around us that we’re happy with the situation we’re in and with our partner. Of course no relationship is 100% perfect, but if you begin to feel down when they’re not around (and not because you’re missing them), this could be a sign of your true feelings coming to the surface.
The only way to lead a happy, fulfilling life is to first be true to yourself and what you want and need.
You’re the only one trying.
Trying to plan things together. Trying to be physically intimate. Trying to keep conversations going.
If you are always the one who is suggesting activities, initiating physical contact, or taking care of things around the house – then you probably already realize that you’re carrying the relationship and giving too much of yourself away to someone who’s not receiving it.
Happy, healthy relationships are a team – and like any good team, each player has their strengths which fit together like puzzle pieces with the other players to create a strong partnership. If one player doesn’t carry their weight, the team will lose.
You worry about losing them and keep trying harder.
If we begin to feel someone slowly slipping away from us, some of us may find it natural to try harder and to put more effort in to keep them around. Often times this does the exact opposite and pushes them away.
This is where it’s key for the relationship to have healthy communication. Taking guesses at what might “fix” a problem is simply a band-aid solution. If something is wrong, we need to have the maturity and discipline to discuss it, no matter how difficult it may be.
While relationships do often take work, they shouldn’t feel like work. If your interactions with your partner are forced and don’t feel natural or fulfilling, then this is an instinct that shouldn’t be ignored.
Life is too short to waste your time on people who don’t appreciate you. Value your time, your body, and most of all – your heart. Stop giving these things to people who don’t deserve them.
There will be someone who comes along and accepts you for you – if you have the discipline to only accept the love you truly deserve.
And every moment longer you spend in a relationship where you’re not sure if they’re sure, is a moment you’re taking away from finding that person who’s been waiting for you to wake up.
That’s the thing, imagining this life with someone else. It can be difficult when you’re caught up in all of the emotional drama of trying to make the wrong puzzle pieces fit together. It takes over your mental and emotional space. It becomes all-encompassing. It feels liek you are completely immersed in this not-so-merry-go-round of toxicity…because you are.
All because neither of you has the courage to bring it to an end.
You’re waiting for each other to change, to have a realization that this IS what you want, to pretend that, even after all of these years, you might finally click and be happy together.
Yet, there’s really no evidence to support that this will be the case. It hasn’t happened yet, and every new conversation you have feels like one step forward and two steps back.
You justify staying all day long. “Things are good when things are good.” Of course they are. You could go on a date with the first person you run into in the street and have a great time together.
It doesn’t mean that person would make a good life partner for you.
Delaying the inevitable by accepting “it’s complicated” only leads to one of two results:
1: You continue swirling around this cycle for the rest of your life and neither of you ever actually end up happy.
2: You (or they) finally choose to leave, because everyone has limits. And then when you eventually find the right person, you wish you’d left so much sooner because now your future with the real Mr. or Mrs. right is that much shorter than it could have been.
It’s not just about being with the right or wrong person, either. It’s about YOUR happiness. YOUR emotional health. YOUR wellbeing.
And sticking with the wrong person prevents you from finding clarity in these things. It prevents you from having the space to work on yourself because you’re always working on the relationship.
Stop depriving yourself of happiness for someone who’s not right for you.
Stop depriving yourself of a happy SINGLE life, which is always better than being tied to the wrong person.
Stop depriving yourself and the RIGHT person the happiness and fulfillment of finding each other and spedning the future together.
Life is simply too short to spend another moment of it with someone who takes away more happiness than they add to your life.
You, and they, deserve so much better. But neither of you will actually get it until you realize that.
James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.
Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 38 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.
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