10 Red Flags He Won’t Commit To You


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Save yourself time and heartbreak by paying attention to these red flags.

Many inquiries I get from women involve their confusion about whether or not the man they are seeing is serious about them. My belief is that if you are really that confused about someone’s intentions, then odds are your instincts are correct and they are probably not that serious.

But most of us have likely been in a situation where our emotions have muddled our perspective, and it’s a little more difficult to see the reality of the circumstances rather than what we want them to be.

In other words, being inside of a relationship can often blur your vision of the red flags others can see clearly.

For that reason I have compiled a list of red flags that I have recognized in these inquiries which, had they been seen earlier, could’ve saved many a heart from being broken.

1. He doesn’t plan ahead [with you].

As a man, I can tell you from experience that we know when we want to invest time into getting to know someone.

If a man is serious about you, he will want to know what you are doing next weekend. And the weekend after that. And for the holidays. And…well, you get the idea.

If a man is not serious about committing to you, he will definitely not be serious about committing to any future plans with you. The harsh truth is, he is likely just keeping his options open by not tying himself to any specific plans with one person. A clear red flag of a commitmentphobe.

2. He does the big things…but never the small things.

Grand romantic gestures are fantastic, but the truth is that on a day to day basis these are not the things that hold relationships together. The small gestures that show thoughtfulness, affection, and appreciation are what really count – because they don’t require a special occasion or holiday.

If a man doesn’t pay attention to the small things, how are you supposed to trust him when the big things arise? When there is a legitimate life challenge? When things aren’t always sunshine and rainbows? My guess is, you can’t.

3. He doesn’t ask for your input.

A man can never have a strong, healthy, long lasting relationship with a woman whose opinions he doesn’t value and respect. If he does value and respect them, then it’s likely he will come to you for advice when facing a challenge or when he just wants to vent to you about a problem.

It shows he trusts and relies on you for council. If he can’t do that, he won’t be able to commit his love to you, either.

4. You sense that he is trying to change you.

If a man begins to criticize you in any way or you get the feeling that he is making ‘suggestions’ that fundamentally go against your identity – he is likely trying to change you into the person that he wants you to be, rather than valuing the person that you are. This drastically increases the likelihood of him walking away sooner rather than later when he realizes he can’t change you.

5. There are areas of his life that he keeps from you.

Sure, there is a process when someone begins to get intertwined into our lives. It’s not like throwing them into the deep end of a swimming pool – so if you haven’t met everyone just yet, don’t be concerned.

The concern though, can come in if you notice that there are specific things he consistently keeps you from. For example, if he has women in his life he won’t allow you to meet or certain ‘work friends’ or family you haven’t met yet, and you have been dating for awhile. These should be people he is excited to introduce you to, not that he wants to keep you from.

6. He is selfish in bed.

This is a telling sign of a man who is likely selfish in other areas of life as well. It is not just a literal problem, it is a symbolic problem that stretches far beyond you not being satisfied intimately. If he doesn’t care about your needs inside the bedroom, he likely doesn’t have much concern for them outside of it, either.

7. He’s only interested in positive conversations.

The reality of life is there are ups and downs. Challenges and speed bumps. Failures and struggles. Anyone who is fully committing to you has to pledge to stand by your side during the rainy days as well as the sunny days.

If you only hear from him or get responses when things are good, he may not be reliable when things are bad.

8. You can feel him slowly drifting away.

I have spoken to many women who feel this happening and do their damnedest to stop it. He starts to text you a little less frequently, so you start to text him more frequently to hold on tighter. He is less enthusiastic about making plans with you. He is suddenly ‘too busy’ to see you…

A man who is truly interested in you will always make time for you, no matter how busy he is. No excuses, lies, or broken promises.

9. He doesn’t share in the boring things with you.

That’s right, the boring things. You may ask yourself, how can sharing in boring things possibly be a good thing? The reason is simple – when you share in the boring things with someone like furniture shopping or mundane errands, they are officially part of your ‘real life.’ The things that aren’t exciting. The things that aren’t romantic. The things that aren’t grand gestures and nice dinners.


If his attention is always on what the two of you are doing more than it is actually on you, it is a red flag that he’s keeping you at arm’s length rather than really allowing you to be a full part of his life.

10. He’s had the chance, but hasn’t taken it.

It’s simple, really. Men pursue what they want. They make their intentions known through their words and their actions. They are clear and deliberate in their actions.

If you’re feeling uncertainty or confusion around his level of interest, then odds are you already have the answer you’re looking for, you just need to have the courage to accept it.

James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.

Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 38 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.

James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.

1 Comment

  1. tallmoto on March 6, 2021 at 6:37 pm

    Red Flag #11. You are a low value woman that serves only one purpose in his life.

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