5 Reasons Your Online Dating Profile is Attracting The Wrong Men


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There isn’t a predictable formula for online dating (or dating of ANY kind), but there are common mistakes that may be holding you back from attracting the right type(s) of men.

Just a few short years ago it was almost a strange stigma to have met someone online. We didn’t want to admit we used any of the wide variety of dating sites or apps, but now it seems that virtually everyone is on them.

There is still some resistance by many who refuse, and many who DO use them face challenges with weeding out potential suitors who just turn out to be a pen pal, or ghosting them altogether.

Here are five mistakes you’re probably making with your online dating profile:

1: You’re relying too heavily on your photos.

We get it, you’re beautiful. But, a man who is looking for a genuine connection with someone understands that it takes a lot more than beauty to keep a relationship together.

When I was single, I would see a wide variety of profiles that had very little or no information at all. Just photos.

Some women will say: “But men only look at the pictures anyway.”

Therein lies the problem: The wrong men who are only looking for a fling or a hookup will only be looking at your photos. The man who is actually serious about a relationship will invest the time into reading what you’re all about so he knows whether or not he should reach out.

Your photos serve the purpose of showing what you look like, but your bio is where you tell us who you are. Leaving that blank easily allows for Mr. Right to swipe left.

2: Your bio is too negative.




I used to see harsh and judgmental phrases all the time in dating profiles, and in some ways I understand the need to put up the STOP sign to keep out the riffraff.

The problem is, it has the opposite effect.

Men who are socially unaware, sociopaths, or just straight up manipulative assholes don’t care what you put in your bio. They will be as charming as the day is long and still play their games regardless.

The caring, genuine man who is looking for a woman he can see a future with, though, will instantly be turned off by language that immediately sounds negative and dramatic.

He’s looking for a teammate, and sounding angry or judgmental does not send the message that you’re doing the same (even if you are).

3: You’re not telling him WHO you really are.

You like yoga, and dogs, and ice cream, and Netflix. That’s great!

So does everyone else.

Use the space in your bio to give someone an idea for your passions, beliefs, values, your purpose.

Everyone wants to travel, everyone likes nice dinners, everyone has a hiking photo.

What sets you apart? What makes YOU the woman he should want to meet? What is the competitive advantage you have over all of the other women he’s scrolling by today?

Now ask yourself: “Is my bio telling that story?”

If not, change it (And make sure to use proper spelling and grammar).

4: Too many group photos.

Aside from the obvious photos to avoid like blurry ones, group photos or photos with other men can also be a point of confusion on dating apps.

Which one are you in the group? Does he need to scroll through a few pictures just to find out?

Who is that half-cropped guy? Your brother? An ex-boyfriend? Your gay best friend?

Your dating profile is supposed to highlight you, you are the star of this show.

And the fact is, people are busy. If your Mr. Right is spending a few minutes of his day scrolling around and can’t tell right off the bat whose profile he’s looking at, he may pass right by the woman of his dreams without even realizing it.

5: You’re not painting the picture of a life together.

Here’s the thing: The truth is that as a woman, you’re going to attract ALL TYPES of men while online dating. This is the blessing and a curse of being a woman online.

Forget the masses that are blindly scrolling through the buffet of photos, though — think of the man that YOU are looking for.

THAT man is scrolling with intention.

He’s taking a minute to pause and read bios.

He’s picturing what it would be like to take you on a date, or to have a Zoom chat, or what your voice sounds like.

He’s actually serious about finding a relationship.

THAT is the ONE person you should be creating your profile for.

Tell a story with your photos, paint a picture of your life. Where do you like spending your time? What are your hobbies? What causes do you support and believe in?

Use the space in your bio not just for talking about yourself, but for showing what you’re looking for in a partner. In a relationship.

And be deliberate about what you want.

Are you looking for love? Then say it.

The dating site PlentyofFish examined 1.2 million profiles and discovered that people who used the word “love” in their descriptions were the most successful at engaging in committed relationships. Men in particular benefited from using similar words like “heart,” “romantic,” and “relationship.”

“But James, I spend all of my time online dating and still can’t find anyone.”

Dating apps should be one of the tools in your dating toolkit, but relying on them fully prevents you from exploring new avenues where the right person could’ve been standing in plain sight the whole time.

The magic of love is that it can happen anywhere, at anytime. Dating apps are great because at least you know the people on them are (usually…) single, so it helps to remove that barrier. But, there are plenty of negatives to these sites and apps as well.

Finding the right partner takes intentional work just like accomplishing any other goal in life. Making sure you’re projecting what you want to attract, being proactive about starting conversations, putting yourself in the places where meeting people who have similar interests is most likely.

With the pandemic continuing, meeting people out at social events is more difficult, so online dating is being turned to more often.

That means now is the time to make sure you’re utilizing it properly. Like any other tool, it can be used constructively, or destructively.

What have some of your experiences been with online dating? Comment below and let me know your thoughts.


James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.

Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 38 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.

James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.


  1. lonstermash on February 27, 2021 at 10:42 pm

    Great, thought provoking post, as always. I agree 100% about your 5th point. Regarding your 4th point, I tend to agree with you (and, don’t get me wrong—-they’re not saying every photo should be a group picture), but I recently heard from FEMALE dating coaches that it is very important to have a picture or two with you and OTHER people to prove to the world that you indeed do have friends. I would never make such an assumption about a woman who only had photos of herself, but it made me go back and make sure my profiles had some group photos in addition to me without other people. Regarding your 3rd point, I agree 100%, but have you seen how little space they give you to write on Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, and Tinder (3 of the most popular dating sites), and from what I recall, even Hinge? Not enough to really write too much about yourself, unfortunately. So that only leaves OK Cupid and POF (which has really gone down hill the past 5 years). Regarding your 2nd point, I have been tempted to write similar things on my own profiles, but I never did due to the fear of sounding the way you’re telling these women they sound. That being said, I don’t hold it against the women who do write such things and try to see the forest for the trees, but that’s just me. And regarding your first point, yes, it is a big mistake to leave your bio blank, BUT if a gorgeous girl who only has pictures connects with me, I’m going to at least give her a chance to tell me about herself in a phone conversation soon after we have connected, because you just never know what a cool person she might be despite her lack of writing skills, lol.

  2. tallmoto on March 2, 2021 at 6:14 pm

    All very good points. If you want to avoid the superficial, maybe skip the superficial swipe sites that don’t allow you enough space to describe yourself? I’ve used the Cupid group of sites (based in Australia) and have had good luck with the people that take the time to make an interesting profile.

    • Lonstermash Mash on March 3, 2021 at 2:21 am

      I’ve used (and still use) those type of sites, too, but, unfortunately, it seems as though my algorithm on them is not as good as it is on Bumble and Coffee Meets Bagel, so I almost nevert get a reply to my direct messages I have sent to women I’m interested in. On the other hand, I get a good amount of mutual interest on the other 2 sites. The women who actually do meet me on OK Cupid (and on Plenty of Fish, back when I still had an account over there) tell me that I have a very well written and fun profile, too, so I don’t think it’s a problem with my actual profile—just, like I said, the algorithm not sending it out to other profiles. Back in the old days, even with a free account, anyone on OK Cupid would see a message you sent them, even if they had not already selected you. But now it kind of operates like any mutual swipe dating site, in which you don’t know you even have a message from them or that they like you until you have each swiped on each other (Unless you pay for an upgraded account). On another note, I see you’re an Aussie, so check out my interview with one of your national treasures 4 years ago


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