13 Qualities Men (Actually) Want in a Woman
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Let’s pull back the curtain on what men are actually looking for in a romantic partner.
If this is your first introduction to my writing, you should know that I’ve written hundreds of articles about the qualities men should possess in order to be the best individual and partner that we can. Many of the women that I coach individually, though, often look for the male perspective on what men really want in a partner and a relationship. So, consider this a glimpse inside the male mind.
What if the things men desire only seem complicated because they rarely get communicated and therefore remain mysterious?
Most guys are simpler creatures than they let on. Here are a few of the things they look for in someone they’re genuinely excited about committing to:
She is reliable.
Reliability, how boring. Reliability is the reason you buy a Toyota Corolla, not excitement. It’s not glamorous or sexy or particularly interesting – but you know what? When you walk outside in the morning and turn the key you know that sucker is going to start up without a flinch no matter how much it has been through.
A great romantic partner is someone you can count on without having to worry about it. You know they are going to be there for you when you need it. You know they are going to stand behind you when you need support, beside you when you need a teammate, and in front of you when you need protection. You don’t have to wonder if they are going to do what they said they are going to do or if they are going to flake out on you last minute, because they are reliable.
She is supportive and encouraging.
We are all on our own journeys in life, pursuing our own passions, defining our own identities.
When we make the conscious choice to enter into a relationship, though, we are making the pledge to support someone else’s journey while we pursue our own.
The type of woman a man chooses to be with plays a big role in his level of success. Someone who stands beside him and makes him feel encouraged and supported will keep him motivated and inspired to rise to new heights for his own sake, an for hers.
She makes him feel emotionally safe.
Men often hold back on expressing feelings or insecurities due to fear of being judged. Peers judge us, society judges us, people on social media judge us. We are ALL judged, men and women alike.
Feeling safe and secure in our relationships in a way that allows us to fully express ourselves and feel accepted for who we truly are at our core, is the foundation of building a deep and meaningful bond with someone because we are comfortable showing all of ourselves to them.
She is intellectually challenging.
Inevitably this will lead to comments about how men are intimidated by intelligent women, but I believe that a man who is secure and confident in himself would prefer the companionship of someone he can have meaningful and invigorating conversations with. The only alternative is sitting in silence watching Netflix or taking each other to the bedroom when there’s nothing left to say.
Fun, at times, but certainly not a sustainable foundation for a partnership over time.
She makes space for him to feel wanted and needed.
Before you lash out about this, hear me out.
Men have been conditioned (both biologically and socially) to provide and protect. Even though in modern times we don’t need to do this for women anymore, it is ingrained in a man’s identity to want to feel significant through contribution.
On top of that, we are to be the pursuers at every turn, which can feel hopeless if not reciprocated or acknowledged.
Something as small as changing a light bulb or giving advice on a challenge you’re facing can make him feel like he is bringing something to the table in a world that has made his role unclear and uncertain.
If he doesn’t feel like he can bring any value to your life, he may pull back from the relationship.
She is expressive and affectionate.
Spoiler alert: Lots of guys can’t read between the lines or clearly understand non-verbal communication. Essentially, we can need things to be spelled out for us.
On top of that, we often communicate and express affection through physical touch. Holding hands, cuddling on the couch, laying your hand on his chest…and, well, sex, are all actions that make us feel wanted by (and attractive to) you.
Without sexual connection and expression, men can easily feel unwanted or rejected.
She is passionate about her own goals.
The best teams in life are made of two people who are clear on their individual identities and purposes. Bonus points if you can find a way for them to merge and back each other up through support and collaboration.
She is consistent.
Every healthy relationship is built on a foundation of consistency. Without someone showing you that they’re serious over time, how can you ever know what to expect day to day?
She is warm and kind.
How is this person with children? With pets? With their family? Intense chemistry in the throes of passion, the willingness to go on adventures, being passionate about you and about their life, these things are all important to take into consideration…but in the long run they are bonus features, they are not the foundation.
When you strip away all of the extras. Take away the hours in the gym, the designer clothes, the fancy car or the nice condo in the city…what you are left with is the core of the person you are committing yourself to. Is this somebody you can actually see yourself waking up to in 5, 10, 20 years from now?
A beautiful face will someday become wrinkled, a great body will someday age, but a good heart will always remain a good heart.
She is clear on HER identity.
No adult man or woman wants to be with a partner who completely sacrifices their individuality for the sake of a relationship.
Not only can this feel overwhelming, but it signals a sense of dependency and lack of self-sufficiency.
Someone who is clear on who they are and what they stand for is attractive to a man who is looking for an equal teammate in his life.
She values personal development.
I believe every human should be on a consistent journey of advancing themselves. Maintaining and enhancing both the body and the mind show a sense of respect and value for one’s self.
Caring for ourselves gives us a deeper ability to care for others as you can’t pour water out of an empty cup. It expresses that we have standards for the treatment we accept both from ourselves and from a partner, and it empowers us to connect with our own inner-strength as we practice discipline and consistency.
A man who is always working to improve himself and his life will value a woman who does the same.
She is willing to put in the effort.
Effort, effort, effort. Relationships are a two way street, and sometimes beautiful people gain a sense of entitlement along their journey in life. They are often treated differently, especially when it comes to dating. They know they are often pursued and desired, and therefore expect to coast through relationships without having to put in any real work.
It doesn’t matter how beautiful or handsome you are, relationships are about give and give, and only work if both people contribute equally.
She feels like home.
A quality that cannot be quantified nor communicated – perhaps making it the most important and powerful one.
No matter what phase of life we are in or what we value, I fully believe that everyone, eventually, yearns to find that person who makes anywhere feel like “home” simply because of their presence there.
At the end of the day, the companionship and love from the person who has chosen you is irreplaceable.
After all, they are giving you the most valuable asset they have: Their time.
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