Real Intimacy Is 70% Emotional And 30% Physical


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REAL intimacy is built through respect, trust, and love.

What do you think of when you hear the word intimacy?

For most, intimacy is purely physical. We understand it as a code word for something we’d rather not say in public. “Were you…*gasp*…intimate?!”

Yet, by placing such focus on the physical aspects of a relationship, we have gradually forgotten what it takes to build real and meaningful intimacy. The kind that lasts for more than just a night together.

REAL intimacy is the result of putting in the work to gain someone’s respect, trust, and love. Real intimacy is opening yourself up to feel the same for them in return.

Our society rushes things along so often that we move past all of this into a physical relationship that we expect to be meaningful and fulfilling. Having a consensual adult relationship that is strictly physical is a great way to spend some time if that’s what your goal is, but when we are talking about a deeper emotional bond and connection, it is much more complex and intricate.

Oftentimes that is the aspect many people seem to avoid. That’s where things get sticky and complicated. That’s where you might actually get hurt.

Being physically intimate is easy. Anyone can enjoy a few hours that don’t require any inner work to get through. Emotional intimacy is a far more complex conversation.

Yet, as the adage goes, nothing worthwhile is easy.

Building real intimacy that lasts over time is only possible when you can fully express your truest self without hesitation or fear of judgment, and your partner can do the same. This is the sign of a deeper bond that goes far beyond just physical attraction.

Physical attraction, despite what social media tells you, is not the foundation of any healthy relationship. It may help you get someone’s attention, but it does not ensure any sort of compatibility or even that they’re a good person at all.

Many a hot and heavy fling ended in the wrong kind of flames.

You already knew that, though. The question is whether or not you needed to be reminded. (We all do, sometimes).

I believe that we mask our desire for deeper intimacy with hour acceptance of physical intimacy as a placeholder. “It’ll do for now,” we say, at 2am on Friday night.

“They seem nice enough,” we justify to ourselves during the 3rd month of dating someone we can’t envision a future with.

This is always fleeting and leaves us feeling unsatisfied, because it doesn’t hold any real meaning in our hearts or minds.

Feelings…but that’s risky!

You’re goddamn right it is. Just like anything else worthwhile.

There is no replacing the emotional bond that is built when two people decide to fully commit to each other and open up their lives in order to become one. That is the ultimate honor and privilege in my book. There are 8 billion people on this planet, and there is no greater compliment than when someone chooses you every single day over everyone else.

Finding the person who you need to tell all of your good news to. Finding the person who shares in your laughter and lends you their strength to heal your pain.

The person who brings you to life when their name appears on your phone.

The one who wants you in their already happy life just as much as you want them in yours.

That is intimacy.

Do you know what happens when that level of emotional intimacy is built?

The physical intimacy is irreplaceable.

So is the lack of physical intimacy.

Simply being and existing beside the person you know you have dedicated your life to is more euphoric than a few fleeting minutes where you hope to find a glimmer of connection with someone who’s not earned your emotional investment.

A few fleeting moments that leave you wondering why the fulfillment has not yet arrived.

It doesn’t arrive because there is no shortcut to happiness. It takes risk, and vulnerability, and communication, and love, and trust.

That’s the thing about raising the stakes, though, there is no greater payoff than when you find someone who is willing to match them for you in return.

It will require heartbreak, and pain, and crashing and burning. It will require risk, and loss, and struggle, and having to pick yourself back up in order to try again.

That is the exact reason why most people quit before they find real happiness, it is simply too difficult.

You, though, are not most people. You are willing to dust yourself off and refuse to accept less than you deserve.

And when you raise your standards, you very often find they will be met by the right person.

If you want my help and guidance to finally break through your boundaries and create an even happier and more fulfilled life with healthier relationships, reach out and let’s chat.


  1. Brigitte on October 2, 2020 at 12:35 pm

    Very concise and well said, James. As always, I might add.
    Respect, trust and love for 35 years of married bliss over here. 🙂
    Flings are good when you’re in your 20’s – self-discovery and all that. But then you need something more than sand to build upon.

    • James Michael Sama on October 2, 2020 at 2:40 pm

      Totally agree! And congratulations on all of your success and happiness over the years!

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