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5 Disappointing (But Real) Reasons Why He Ghosted You

FREE E-BOOK: 15 WAYS TO KNOW YOU'RE DATING A GENTLEMAN

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Disclaimer: This will probably piss you off. Only continue if you want the blunt truth.

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Overall, technology is a great thing. It allows us to become educated on literally anything we are interested in. We can stay informed, we can connect with anyone across the globe, and we can improve our lives in a variety of ways.

But on the flip side, it has also given people the ability to hide behind a screen when saying or doing things to someone that they would never do face-to-face. Unfortunately, this has drastically changed the norms of dating (and breaking up).

Whether or not you’re familiar with the term ‘ghosting,’ you may have experienced it in the past (or maybe even done it yourself). Essentially it’s when someone just completely disappears and ends the relationship with no explanation.

Here are some possible reasons why this might have happened. Note: Some of these might piss you off. I’m not writing this to score any brownie points, I’m writing this to reflect the uncensored truth. I do not think there is any excuse for ghosting and these are not meant to be justifications, just potential explanations.

There wasn’t a real foundation being built.

One of the things I talk about ALL THE TIME is how we don’t seem to really be connecting and bonding with each other anymore. This could be for a variety of reasons like texting replacing real communication, or focusing so much on ourselves that we never prioritize anyone else.

Here’s the harsh reality: If your primary mode of communication with someone is through a screen, then they begin to take on the shape of a virtual set of words that responds back to you whenever you send a message. It sounds heartless, but this is why being face-to-face is so important. To simply stop texting someone when things go south is a quick and easy way to express disinterest.

The problem is, we forget that there is a real human being with thoughts and feelings holding the other phone. And if a deeper bond hasn’t been forged with that person, it is much easier to just walk away.

He wasn’t feeling your interest in return.

With the ‘I don’t need no man’ attitude that spreads like wildfire across social media, men are consistently reminded that women don’t ‘need’ us anymore (depending on who you ask), which makes for a much different approach to dating and relationships.

If he feels like he’s bothering you, or feels like the interest isn’t reciprocated, it is very possible that he will simply ‘give up the chase’ and might even think he’s doing you a favor by reading your signs and going away without having to be told.

It is rare that men really feel wanted or truly valued – so believe me when I say they are more likely to stick around and even put in more effort if they feel that the interest is reciprocated.

If he doesn’t think that you’re emotionally invested, then he doesn’t think that you’ll be hurt by him disappearing.

He didn’t see a real future together.

None of these are good reasons to ghost you (as I said earlier – I don’t think there ever is a ‘good’ reason) but this one might be the worst. He just made the decision that things weren’t working out, and instead of sitting down to talk to you about it or what he was feeling, he simply disappeared and avoided the tough conversation.

I believe this is a result of failing communication skills where we don’t truly understand how to have difficult (but necessary) conversations, so we just end up avoiding them altogether.

Dating is a hobby for him.

The more I write this post, the more uncomfortable I get. I almost don’t like putting this down in black and white because it just sounds so terrible, but when I started writing 5 years ago I pledged to always give you the genuine truth.

Some men simply date for fun. It’s about a conquest, or an accomplishment, or simply something to pass the time. Perhaps he doesn’t want anything serious and is just looking to feed his own ego by proving to himself that he can get a woman’s attention.

I know this because I was there once. I was a very late bloomer when it came to understanding what women wanted, and when I finally figured it out, I spent a lot of years going out and having fun with no interest in commitment. I never lied or manipulated anyone and I was always open about what I did or didn’t want, but that doesn’t necessarily make it right.

Hint: My online video course includes ways to spot guys who are just playing you.

Someone else came along.

Maybe he is dating as a hobby. Or – maybe he really is dating to meet someone special. As many guys as there are out there like I described in the previous point, there are just as many guys who really do want to find a loving, caring, genuine relationship. Guys who have evolved past the ‘player’ phase and have grown up like I did.

The hard part to swallow about this point? If you’re looking for a monogamous relationship, you understand that only one person is going to fit the bill. This means that 99.9% of people you meet and date, simply aren’t going to work out.

This also means that you are going to be in the 99.9% for those people, too. And when the .1% comes along for him, he may not have the wherewithal to properly inform you. Your only source of the information might be through his updated Facebook status or a friend telling you they saw him out with someone else.

I will say this – I know none of this bodes well for the resurgence of the gentleman, but rest assured that a man who truly carries himself with honor and integrity, and understands that you’ve both become emotionally invested in the situation, will have the courage and dignity to sit down and end things rather than just disappearing.

Have you ever been ghosted? Tell me about it in the comments and what you think happened.

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15 Comments

  1. Amber on April 29, 2018 at 1:37 pm

    Hahha “The more I write this post, the more uncomfortable I get.” 😆

    Good stuff!

    • James Michael Sama on April 29, 2018 at 1:39 pm

      It’s true, ha! I was cringing the whole time, but truth brings no guarantee of comfort.

  2. Minnie Tillak on April 29, 2018 at 5:07 pm

    Keeping hitting the nail on the head. So true. I was aware that was needed, but communicating with this person was totally number one problem and not letting go of his past.

  3. Bell on April 29, 2018 at 6:24 pm

    I’m new to this modern dating scene and I do believe that I have recently been “ghosted” 😂!

    I bump into this person quite regularly and after a year or so he text me and asked me out. I was busy but we tentatively set a date for a few weeks down the line. We sent a few texts a bit nearer the time and he asked me for some dates. I sent them (about 4 options) and never heard another thing…!

    I’ve seen him since in passing and we’ve chatted. He almost tried to avoid me and seemed a bit sheepish but I was completely friendly and normal and by the time we parted ways it was as if nothing had happened! I never mentioned anything and neither did he.

    I liked him, but I’m not too worried and I have now arranged a date with someone else. I do find the whole thing very bizarre though! I did wonder whether or not he got my text but I’m pretty certain he would have said something if not – we’d practically already arranged the date.

  4. Eric Plume on April 29, 2018 at 6:30 pm

    Great article! I’d agree that there’s no excuse for ghosting, but damn…having The Conversation is probably the hardest thing to do in a relationship. Especially if she didn’t really do anything wrong and you can tell she’s invested in you but its not working out on your end. I had one of those in high school – even twenty odd years down the line it ranks as one of the hardest conversations I’ve had to sit down for.

    With that experience under my belt, I can understand why anyone (man or woman) would opt for ghosting instead. I don’t approve, but absent nastier extenuating circumstances I can certainly relate.

    • James Michael Sama on April 29, 2018 at 6:36 pm

      Honestly I absolutely agree, it’s one of the hardest things to do to make someone feel that you don’t want to commit yourself to them intimately. Though I do think it’s an opportunity for growth and practicing communication to be on both sides of that conversation in different stages of life.

    • lonstermash on May 1, 2018 at 2:32 am

      I agree, but the problem is that so many men and women (because I have been ghosted, too) are scared of being “confrontational.” They fear that having “the talk” will result in a girl screaming and crying or a guy being an immature asshole who gets angry, etc.. Therefore, they take the easy way out and ghost someone.

  5. Ruby Astari on April 29, 2018 at 10:45 pm

    Why can’t they just be honest in the first place, instead of leading women on and then disappearing like irresponsible cowards? Pardon my brutal reaction, but I’d rather have them say it to my face that they’d rather be friends. Saves time and unnecessary heartbreak. This ain’t fair! (By the way, instead of ghosting, I prefer telling them the truth in the beginning. Hate me all they like, but I never want to pretend when it comes to romance just to please them.)

  6. Elizabeth P. on April 30, 2018 at 12:38 am

    If a guy “ghosts” me, doesn’t have the decency to just answer a text, anything I ever thought of him as being a man went out the window. I’m glad that I didn’t waste time on someone who doesn’t know how to act with common courtesy.

    • lonstermash on May 1, 2018 at 2:33 am

      I agree 100% and feel the same way about the women who have done the same thing to me and my friends.

  7. Ruby Astari on April 30, 2018 at 12:48 am

    Indeed. Bye bye, BLEH. Not worth it.

  8. Steph on April 30, 2018 at 4:21 pm

    New to the dating scene to after a long marriage and I never heard the term ghosted until I started dating a guy who told me he ghosted a girl recently….I think, well I know, he has now ghosted me too. It’s all so stupid…I hate game playing…just flipping be honest ….ugh!!

  9. Becky Swank on April 30, 2018 at 8:16 pm

    And the most cruel but honest of them all: you don’t look like your profile photo.

  10. lonstermash on May 1, 2018 at 2:39 am

    Ghosting sucks, and I have no respect for men OR women who do it (because it does happen a lot to us men, as well). As I replied to someone above, I think the reason people do it is because we have a society that is scared of “confrontation” and would rather take the easy way out at all costs, rather than potentially deal with a girl who starts crying and saying bad things about you when you dump her or deal with a guy who gets angry and says bad things about you when he is dumped. In my experiences, when I have dumped a girl, she almost always has taken it very maturely and NOT acted in the way I feared she might act. So I think the “confrontation” we often fear rarely happens when you just approach the person with the respect they deserve of hearing that you are no longer interested in dating them. But try to convince today’s modern dating world of that.

  11. Tammy Harper on June 13, 2018 at 8:05 pm

    Wow! So can’t believe I’m reading this. I was “ghosted” last week and it has been devasting. We met online, talked and texted for 6 months. Supposedly a Christian counselor and a degree in Theology. We had a deep connection and determined when we met in person that it didn’t even matter we we’re so connected. He had full access to my FB page and all of my photos. I specifically explained to him that I was not a thin girl but more thick and curvy size 10. He said none of that mattered. He showed up, spent the night and went for a job interview the next day (we had plans of him moving here and having a real relationship) I got a “text” from him at 5 pm that afternoon saying he was heading back to Missouri! He blocked me from FB and everything. The entire time he talked about how men should love and respect women…….it has just crushed me. I am afraid I may be a little jaded now. Dating at 52 is so very hard. I don’t know what has happened to people. It sure hurts like heck and makes me want to give up.

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