Everyone Wants a Relationship, Nobody Wants the Work


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I’m sure I am not the only one who browses Facebook and quite often comes across photos of engagement rings and ultrasounds and changed last names from marriages and thinks to himself: Wait, weren’t you just single?

Everything seems to move faster these days, naturally. We have instant text messages and don’t need to send letters. We can Google something and not need to go to the library. We can get to know someone much quicker because we can talk to them any time of the day rather than limiting our interactions to sporadic phone calls or seeing each other in person.

We are Tindering and Bumbling and Coffee Meets Bagel’ing and moving at such a pace through relationships that there is really only one thing we are not doing: BUILDing. We are not building relationships.

We can say whatever we want about past generations, but the fact of the matter is that many people have been married two or three times in the span of time that our grandparents’ have been married to each other.

Older generations set fires. They would begin to burn with a small smoldering flame and eventually evolve into a roaring blaze as they continued to stoke it. Our generation seems to be setting off fireworks. There is a spectacular display that is quite often beautiful, but unpredictable and ends as quickly as it began. Leaving behind only the memory of the experience.

We are not allowing ourselves the time to actually build a foundation with each other. We are an instant-gratification society and we are, unfortunately, carrying the same attitude into our relationships. We always want the next best phone or the next best tablet and toss aside the obsolete version without a second thought. Sadly, it seems we do this with significant others as well.

But sometimes decisions are made that don’t allow that to happen so easily. People who are barely old enough to rent a car are buying homes with or making lifelong commitments to someone they have only known for a few months. Sure, everyone is different and sometimes ‘when you know, you just know,’ but drastic lifestyle changes do not allow us to settle in comfortably. This can easily lead to regret not too far down the road. Not to mention resentment for your partner. Two things that should never be present in a relationship.

Some may call me cynical for this outlook, but inevitably I see a consistent course of events. “Engaged” on Facebook turns back to “Single.” New mothers are complaining that the child’s father is suddenly an absentee dad.

The sad part is, some of these couples probably would have had a chance if they had taken their time and let their relationship develop and flourish, instead of leaping ahead and putting too much pressure on their bond, too soon. Love is not something you just fall into overnight. It is the creation of two people who have worked together to cultivate it and allow it to grow.

It is only natural to realize that we need to strengthen something before we test it. Committing your entire life to someone you have only known for a few months, or even just a year, has not given you the glimpse into who they truly are that you will need to see in order to make a decision of that magnitude. Even sharing an apartment or house together too soon opens up an entire new set of complications that a new couple will be unprepared for.

Have you seen this person react to a tragedy? A challenge in life? Frustrations? Failures? Do you know how they act around children or if they would make a good parent? Is this someone with similar views of the future as you? Will theyreally be there for you in a time of need? It takes time to learn these things. Valuable time that teaches us lessons about people we simply cannot learn in the short term.

Too often people are left saying “but they changed!” No they didn’t, you just finally learned who they really were. The truth came out. People can only put on a facade for so long, and if you make a permanent decision based on a temporary emotion, there is only trouble to follow.

You may feel lust. You may feel an overwhelming emotional attachment or connection to someone quickly. But if we allow our emotions to rule us completely we very often tend to make irrational decisions that backfire in the future. We need to recognize the difference between lust and love, as well as have the self control to allow things to progress naturally and not jump into something before we are ready.

We need to work harder to create the building blocks of lasting love, if that’s what we actually want to have.

I will say this – for the people who have experienced life and relationships and love and know what they do and don’t want in a partner, I believe it  is much more realistic for them to recognize the right person when they come along. But for those without the life experience to build off of, it is a different story.

If you wouldn’t want someone to be your best friend for the rest of your life, don’t make them your spouse. And if you wouldn’t make someone a husband or a wife, don’t make them a parent. Our generations have it too easy in terms of an out. “‘Til death do us part” has become “Until I get bored of you.”

If you want brief entertainment, then by all means light off as many fireworks as you want. When one falls out of the sky, you will have another fuse waiting. But if you want a long lasting connection that will warm your heart for years to come, you will need to commit to stoking a fire.

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  1. Little Miss Menopause on July 21, 2016 at 1:43 pm

    One of my favorite posts of yours! Love the metaphor.

  2. coachcidfirewithin on July 21, 2016 at 1:51 pm

    Well said on all points. It’s easy to get wrapped up in the emotions of the moment. They feel good and put a smile on your face and a flame in your heart. It’s just as important to take time and space for yourself to calibrate those feelings and emotions, making sure you are getting all you want on all levels.

  3. Diana on July 21, 2016 at 2:26 pm

    Love love love this article !! You touched on so many important factors !! Love reading your blogs…

  4. Rina on July 21, 2016 at 3:27 pm

    I was on the defensive before I started reading the article and then found myself agreeing with what you said 🙂

  5. rlcarterrn on July 21, 2016 at 4:00 pm

    Love, love, love this so much! Especially these lines: “If you wouldn’t want someone to be your best friend for the rest of your life, don’t make them your spouse. And if you wouldn’t make someone a husband or a wife, don’t make them a parent.” I’m a lot less conservative than my parents about a lot of things, but this is one point they taught me that with which I 100% agree & which I am so glad I followed. Thank you so much for being a voice of reason to our generation.

  6. Sunny Lanning on July 21, 2016 at 9:45 pm

    I agree with your point of view, as expressed. However, the relationship work load is sometimes not balanced. Sometimes one person has to compromise or work a little harder than the other, and it is a tricky thing to realize when this is due to unusual, temporary circumstances (like a partner having a new job and thus more stress) and when the inequity has become the norm. All I’m saying is that hard work and investment aren’t always the answer, when it’s all one-sided.

    • Brandon on August 11, 2016 at 8:38 am


      I definitely hear you on this point, it’s very tough to feel as if you’re being loved and taken care of when temporary circumstances cause the effort to slightly be unbalanced where you then are receiving the short end of the stick. The key word within everything that you mentioned is that it is in fact “temporary”. Just know that once things get back to normal you will receive was it is that you deserve! For now, continue to show love in these times because your partner will surely appreciate it later on down the road.

      Hope all goes well and take care!


  7. Chelsea on July 22, 2016 at 3:14 pm

    this guy such a fraud. he can’t hold down a steady job or relationship. 99% chance all of his “thoughts” are plagiarized.

    • Clinton on August 2, 2016 at 9:21 am

      Chelsea when you wonder why it is you are singe you should reread your post. Totally vindictive, bitter and nasty without a single positive, meaningful idea.

      Just like you.

  8. Jason Pittmon on September 8, 2016 at 12:56 pm

    Very solid article on an always relative topic! Well done.

  9. Ferdinand Alexander on January 8, 2017 at 9:05 pm

    Not everyone wants a relationship. Relationships are built on division so conflict is inevitable. If not then one or the other goes into apathy.

  10. Brenda Williams on January 18, 2017 at 5:59 pm

    There are a few instances of “love at first sight” and brief courtship turning into years of love and marriage, but those are rare. For most relationships, James, you are spot on. Thank you for promoting this message of mutual respect, kindness and committed love in romantic relationships.

  11. […] article was originally published at James M. Sama. Reprinted with permission from the […]

  12. ishmael on February 25, 2017 at 11:41 am

    Sometimes it seems one person does all the work and the other continues to mold them into the perfect partner but somehow it is empty. The shoulder is missing, the companionship.. Even dog training involves treats, playtime.. All work and no play.. Communication is the key. Without that..you have a house of straw.

  13. […] This article was originally published at James M. Sama. […]

  14. […] article was originally published at James M. Sama. Reprinted with permission from the […]

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