Why We Need To Start Building Better Foundations For Relationships

Trust, without question, is one of the most important bricks when building the foundation of a strong relationship. Without trust, you cannot have real love. I have emphasized the importance of trust in a relationship in previous articles, but there seems to be an ongoing issue where bonds are not being formed, and therefore relationships are not lasting in the long term.


I can’t completely blame social media for this, so much as I blame human nature. Without social media I wouldn’t have reconnected with my girlfriend after not seeing her for 10 years. I wouldn’t have been able to make a living for the past year and a half. And, I wouldn’t be able to speak to any of you through this blog you so generously subscribe to.

However, that being said, social media is still a tool for convenience – and like any tool, it can be misused when put into the wrong hands. The problem is that it’s allowing for people to connect and advance far more quickly. Pictures (or videos) are exchanged, empty, flirty texts are frequently sent, and a much more casual feel is given to the…courtship?…process.

The result is lots of people who are perpetually frustrated and disappointed because they for some reason are unable to find somebody they can connect with on a deeper level. All the while, never really putting in the effort to do so. We take the easy way out, we want the quickest results, we want instant gratification.

There are two sides to this coin, and neither gender is necessarily ‘at fault,’ for lack of a better term. If we are speaking traditionally, the man is the one who pursues the woman. Men are letting their short attention spans get the best of them and they are not putting in the time and effort to get to know a genuinely goodhearted woman for the sake of a deeper relationship. So, what they are doing is moving on to the next one (or one they are already texting in the meantime), and simply moving in the direction of least resistance.


Conversely, women are waiting for the right man to finally show them that not all of us are the same. In doing so, they may likely get their hopes up and jump into something too fast with someone who finally seems like he is the real deal – when he’s actually not. Or, women are so tired of being played by these idiots that they are completely closed off, and men (even good men…) get frustrated and go elsewhere.

The result of this beautiful combination? People who are looking to fill short-term needs and really have no faith in the opposite sex to actually be genuine. Certainly not a breeding ground for monogamy, eh?

Older generations set fires. They would begin to burn with a small smoldering flame and eventually evolve into a roaring blaze as they continued to stoke it. Our generation seems to be setting off fireworks. There is a spectacular display that is quite often beautiful, but unpredictable and ends as quickly as it began. Leaving behind only the memory of the experience.

We are not allowing ourselves the time to actually build a foundation with each other. We are an instant-gratification society and we are, unfortunately, carrying the same attitude into our relationships. We always want the next best phone or the next best tablet and toss aside the obsolete version without a second thought. Sadly, it seems we do this with significant others as well.


The sad part is, some of these couples probably would have had a chance if they had taken their time and let their relationship develop and flourish, instead of leaping ahead and putting too much pressure on their bond, too soon. Love is not something you just fall into overnight. It is the creation of two people who have worked together to cultivate it and allow it to grow.

You may feel lust. You may feel an overwhelming emotional attachment or connection to someone quickly. But if we allow our emotions to rule us completely we very often tend to make irrational decisions that backfire in the future. We need to recognize the difference between lust and love, as well as have the self control to allow things to progress naturally and not jump into something before we are ready.

If you want brief entertainment, then by all means light off as many fireworks as you want. When one falls out of the sky, you will have another fuse waiting. But if you want a long lasting connection that will warm your heart for years to come, you will need to commit to stoking a fire.

Click here to get my new e-book, The Modern Man’s Guide To Chivalry And Courtship!



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12 thoughts on “Why We Need To Start Building Better Foundations For Relationships

  1. James, it is my OPINION that you are viewing “courting” in the old days as way too fanciful terms. There is plenty of evidence to suggest that it wasn’t as idealistic as you think. Maybe your grandparents provided a good example of the way things might work out right. Believe me, most of us of two generations before you didn’t live a Disney life, even without internet gadgets.

  2. Damn, I wish this site allowed for editing of posts, to fix those inevitable little proof-reading errors. I forgot ask, so in the “old days” there weren’t shotgun weddings because there weren’t any “fireworks”?

  3. Again, dead on target, James!
    My 45-year experience in the matter taught me the “little yellow brick road” leading to long-lasting highly-satisfying Love isn’t made at all out of a small number of large “lust bricks” but of a large number of discreet small tenderness ones. Indeed, you’ll find genuinely tender strokes given freely and frequently to your partner (and even more so in tough times!), will always work wonders not only in her/his heart, but foremost in yours. As for lust, don’t worry, that will take over in time and quite nicely too!

  4. I’ve always enjoyed the little insight you gave including this one. I would however appreciate a possible list of how to build that foundation. 🙂 Thanks.

  5. Thank you…thank you…thank you James for another well written article!!! I wish I had known about you a year ago. I definitely would not have made all the relationship no make that “situationship” errors that I committed. I’m learning to be a wiser woman when it comes to dating and I truly appreciate your wisdom and honest advice. Please continue to do what you do best and I look forward to reading more of your articles. Stay blissful:)

  6. Dear James, I really enjoy reading all of your articles. They have been so helpful to me over the last few weeks. Do you welcome questions about relationships directly via email? If so, I have a dating/relationship question and I would very much value your advice, if you would be willing to provide.

    Many thanks, Krista

    Sent from my iPad


  7. Very well-put, James! I really enjoy reading your posts and appreciate your insights. I always find them to be on point! Keep up the great work.

  8. Hi, James.

    Let me begin by say I love all of your articles, your chivalrous ways; I agreed with them. But as a very passionate-about-life, single female, I fall into the error most commit, to dive in head first prematurely into a relationship. What are some tips for people like me that have no idea how to “take it slow”?

  9. great post as usual and great replies that I can relate too. when you meet someone you really like, shouldn’t you ‘go for it’ and show interest and not have the wall up? I have been burned many times by wearing my heart on my sleeve as they say but feel honesty and openness are always best. if we need to be more cautious and not dive in, isn’t this playing games or not being open with your true feelings? I would rather crash and burn over and over knowing I let the other person know I was really interested in them while giving them their space and letting them be who they are. From my experience it is all timing! For me it seems one or the other usually has something major going on (life goals) that interfere with personal growth (not in a bad way)! that darn timing thing…..

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