The Advice Nobody Gives Men: It’s Your Fault You’re Single
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[social_warfare]
Having put myself in a situation where I consistently write about dating and relationships from the male perspective, I have also put myself – understandably – in a situation where my opinions are criticized and ridiculed. Hey, bring it on, I am always willing to accept being wrong in order to learn, adjust, and advance.
However, I will only do this if I can be shown with good reason that someone else’s methods, thoughts, or ideas are proven to be more successful than mine are. Meaning: If you are a perpetually single male who tells me that what I say women want isn’t exactly what they want, then one may begin to ask how exactly, you would know that.
But despite what it may seem, I am not writing this article to start a fight. I am not looking for ‘backup’ from my readers nor am I trying to sound like I have all of the answers, because I don’t. But, I am honest, and a lot of what I see floating around the internet (directed at both men and women) is not honest…
You see, in the age of social media, we are running across more and more people who use these platforms to justify themselves. They post photos and ideas for compliments but heaven forbid receive any criticism, lest they will delete the comment(s) and block the offenders. Social media has become a haven for narcissism where you can choose to only allow people into your world who will justify your thoughts and opinions, no matter how valid or invalid.
Am I suggesting that you allow yourself to be flooded by negativity and those who ridicule you? Of course not, I am a firm believer in surrounding one’s self with positive people who will lift you higher. However, this can also be done to a fault.
“Just be yourself!” “Any woman would be lucky to have you!” “The right person will come along, don’t worry!”
All pieces of malignant dating advice tossed around to each other by the perpetually single like a hot potato.
All the while while commenting how they follow my advice and still remain solo on Saturday nights. After all, they serenaded their crush nightly outside her window a-la-John-Cusack’s boombox in Say Anything. That’s romantic, right?
They sent that good morning text that I mentioned to their girlfriend. Every day. At 6am. Every. Day. And she had the audacity to break up with him? Don’t worry man, someone will eventually appreciate your persistence.
He did those things she wanted to do, too. He never even complained about it. Hell, he was so flexible he didn’t even offer his own suggestions, he let her plan everything to make sure she was happy!
You may have heard the saying before: “There can be too much of a good thing.” And it rings especially true when it comes to dating and relationships. No woman wants to be babied or fawned over by a man who doesn’t have his own identity. No woman wants to be smothered to the point of emotional suffocation. No woman wants to feel like she has to take her leash off of her puppy dog and put it on you, instead.
Sometimes, “be yourself” is doing you more harm than good. I know there was a phase in my life where being myself wasn’t getting me anywhere. I had to learn, grow, and adapt. I had to figure out what I was doing wrong and understand why it wasn’t working. Did I allow it to change the nature of who I actually was at my core? No, of course not, but life is all about forward motion. If you are standing still you are being left behind.
Be yourself in the sense that you should continue to be loving and kindhearted. Be genuine. But allowing yourself to be appeased by the comfortable discomfort of thinking that what hasn’t worked for you in the past will someday snap into action and land you the woman of your dreams, is simply the act of fooling yourself.
For some people, being single is a choice. For others, they simply just haven’t met the right person yet, but we have to be honest here and say that some people just haven’t figured it out yet. And I’m sorry that nobody out there is giving you the honest feedback you need to hear:
It might be your fault.
But the rest of that sentiment is: It’s okay! None of us have it all figured out all the time. We have all made mistakes and failed to get to where we are, it’s a natural part of life, and honestly I believe that’s one of the things that makes life beautiful and interesting – the ability to develop.
Imagine if we were condemned to remain our 15 or 20 year old selves for life? How would we ever start a family? Handle a marriage? Start a business or get a job? Life is all about progression, so if it’s your fault, don’t worry – you can change.
Women want a balance. Too much of anything, good or bad, will push them away.
You want to capture the heart of a woman? Bottom line is you have to be a product, sell yourself daily. She wants you to keep reinventing yourself while still being the essence of the person she met. Don’t fall into a routine, because a routine is indifferent, surprise her. Show her that you love her by continuing to be better than you were yesterday and better than the rest. If you can master that, she will never stop loving you.
You don’t have to be a bad boy or a nice guy, you can be both. Challenge her, seduce her, empower her. But also love, honor, and value her.
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Thank you Sama for such a well written post. I am single but I will certainly back you up on this one even if no one else does. Thoroughly enjoyed it.
God’s blessings always.
This post has a great point. Most of us don’t hear criticism very well, even when it’s constructive. I’m one of those women that stopped answering the phone after the 5:15am wake up call…before our first date. There’s enthusiasm, and then there’s “stalker-like”.
JMS, I’d like to see you do a post about a quibble of mine. I have a lot of single girlfriends, and we disagree on a particular point. I read a lot of male-oriented blogs and feel this gives me a perspective my friends are not seeing. A lot of male blogs describe fitness as being important to men. I don’t mean in a misogynist, insisting-on-a-supermodel way; meaning having a body that not clinically obese, having a BMI around 25 or just ‘not overweight’. My friends insist that men should accept ‘real women’ just as they are. While I agree that no one should be asked to change their personality, I think it ignores the fact that most men are motivated visually, especially at the beginning, when it inspires them to pursue you and get to know the awesome real you.
Thoughts?
You should want to be your best looking and healthy self for yourself, never for others. For one person that may be a yoga slim fit body, for another it might be a curvy size 14, and yet another might prefer herself to be a hard toned crossfit goddess. There are men who prefer every single one of these body types and you will never please them all so go about pleasing yourself. When you accept yourself and are confident in how you present yourself, no matter what size or shape that may be, the right man will love and appreciate you as you are because you are happy, confident and authentic.
Why not for others? I find it attractive when a woman wants to look good for men. I’m sure plenty of women find it attractive when a man is willing to go to the trouble of getting in shape to impress them. It shows that you care. When we “do things for ourselves, never for others”, we are being self-centered. Self-centered women are very easy to spot and very unappealing to me, to be avoided at all costs. Doing things for other people is perfectly fine.
Your single girlfriends read relationship blogs? How clueless are we, really? Are your friends going to read about parenting from a magazine when they have babies? Are your friends really that stupid?
Great points James, our society has become incredibly histrionic and we need to re-learn that life is not about ourselves, but others.
A super article and I agree absolutely Martin 🙂
One of the best articles you’ve ever written, no doubt. Thanks for sharing so honestly. “Tough love” is definitely needed in today’s society in which we never seem to want to accept responsibility for anything.
James I have been reading your article for quiet while now…you widen my thoughts when it comes to love and how life can be better with our own choices. Bravoo to you!!!
As my father repeatedly told me (and rightly so), “No one cares to hear your opinion on any topic!”
I feel sorry for you. Might this be why you are single? Have some respect.
[…] appeared at James Michael Sama’s […]
I’m 35 and have never been in a relationship. I admit I just don’t get it and I don’t like playing games. If I have to constantly reinvent myself to keep a woman interested, I’m just not interested in finding a woman. It sounds like more work than it’s worth. I want it to be fun, not a second job.
Women who read a lot of relationship blogs are the future mothers who will read about how to parent correctly in a magazine. These people are to be avoided at all costs.
“You want to capture the heart of a woman? Bottom line is you have to be a product, sell yourself daily. She wants you to keep reinventing yourself while still being the essence of the person she met. Don’t fall into a routine, because a routine is indifferent, surprise her. Show her that you love her by continuing to be better than you were yesterday and better than the rest. If you can master that, she will never stop loving you.”
What a bunch of horse crap. The last thing I want as a man is to go read a bunch of ego-driven relationship blogs written by smug urban millennials with below-average communication skills. I am deeply unimpressed by American millennial women – they are self-centered, egotistical animals. In other cultures, women do more to impress men and show men that they are a worthy candidate for mate selection. In this culture, many women expect men do do everything for them and give very little in return.
Seriously, when so many women are self-centered and do not conform to traditional cultural norms, why should I do anything to try and impress them? When a woman doesn’t respect or understand men, I can usually tell.
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