Having put myself in a situation where I consistently write about dating and relationships from the male perspective, I have also put myself – understandably – in a situation where my opinions are criticized and ridiculed. Hey, bring it on, I am always willing to accept being wrong in order to learn, adjust, and advance.
However, I will only do this if I can be shown with good reason that someone else’s methods, thoughts, or ideas are proven to be more successful than mine are. Meaning: If you are a perpetually single male who tells me that what I say women want isn’t exactly what they want, then one may begin to ask how exactly, you would know that.
But despite what it may seem, I am not writing this article to start a fight. I am not looking for ‘backup’ from my readers nor am I trying to sound like I have all of the answers, because I don’t. But, I am honest, and a lot of what I see floating around the internet (directed at both men and women) is not honest…
You see, in the age of social media, we are running across more and more people who use these platforms to justify themselves. They post photos and ideas for compliments but heaven forbid receive any criticism, lest they will delete the comment(s) and block the offenders. Social media has become a haven for narcissism where you can choose to only allow people into your world who will justify your thoughts and opinions, no matter how valid or invalid.
Am I suggesting that you allow yourself to be flooded by negativity and those who ridicule you? Of course not, I am a firm believer in surrounding one’s self with positive people who will lift you higher. However, this can also be done to a fault.
“Just be yourself!” “Any woman would be lucky to have you!” “The right person will come along, don’t worry!”
All pieces of malignant dating advice tossed around to each other by the perpetually single like a hot potato.
All the while while commenting how they follow my advice and still remain solo on Saturday nights. After all, they serenaded their crush nightly outside her window a-la-John-Cusack’s boombox in Say Anything. That’s romantic, right?
They sent that good morning text that I mentioned to their girlfriend. Every day. At 6am. Every. Day. And she had the audacity to break up with him? Don’t worry man, someone will eventually appreciate your persistence.
He did those things she wanted to do, too. He never even complained about it. Hell, he was so flexible he didn’t even offer his own suggestions, he let her plan everything to make sure she was happy!
You may have heard the saying before: “There can be too much of a good thing.” And it rings especially true when it comes to dating and relationships. No woman wants to be babied or fawned over by a man who doesn’t have his own identity. No woman wants to be smothered to the point of emotional suffocation. No woman wants to feel like she has to take her leash off of her puppy dog and put it on you, instead.
Sometimes, “be yourself” is doing you more harm than good. I know there was a phase in my life where being myself wasn’t getting me anywhere. I had to learn, grow, and adapt. I had to figure out what I was doing wrong and understand why it wasn’t working. Did I allow it to change the nature of who I actually was at my core? No, of course not, but life is all about forward motion. If you are standing still you are being left behind.
Be yourself in the sense that you should continue to be loving and kindhearted. Be genuine. But allowing yourself to be appeased by the comfortable discomfort of thinking that what hasn’t worked for you in the past will someday snap into action and land you the woman of your dreams, is simply the act of fooling yourself.
For some people, being single is a choice. For others, they simply just haven’t met the right person yet, but we have to be honest here and say that some people just haven’t figured it out yet. And I’m sorry that nobody out there is giving you the honest feedback you need to hear:
It might be your fault.
But the rest of that sentiment is: It’s okay! None of us have it all figured out all the time. We have all made mistakes and failed to get to where we are, it’s a natural part of life, and honestly I believe that’s one of the things that makes life beautiful and interesting – the ability to develop.
Imagine if we were condemned to remain our 15 or 20 year old selves for life? How would we ever start a family? Handle a marriage? Start a business or get a job? Life is all about progression, so if it’s your fault, don’t worry – you can change.
Women want a balance. Too much of anything, good or bad, will push them away.
You want to capture the heart of a woman? Bottom line is you have to be a product, sell yourself daily. She wants you to keep reinventing yourself while still being the essence of the person she met. Don’t fall into a routine, because a routine is indifferent, surprise her. Show her that you love her by continuing to be better than you were yesterday and better than the rest. If you can master that, she will never stop loving you.
You don’t have to be a bad boy or a nice guy, you can be both. Challenge her, seduce her, empower her. But also love, honor, and value her.
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