5 Damaging Mindsets Keeping You From Happiness


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As I close in on the two year anniversary of starting this website, I have had countless conversations with people who are in all phases of life. Men, women, boys, girls, single, married, divorced, and everything in between.

When you really stop to listen and pay attention, there are many lessons to be taken away from these interactions. Insights into the thoughts and feelings of others, as well as the ability to reflect on your own.


Some of these include varying degrees of what could be considered self-sabotage. Of course, many of us have been jaded along the way, taken advantage of, taken for granted, or unappreciated. This can permeate a new relationship, as we have a hard time letting go of the damage from the old.

It is important that we stay positive and true to ourselves in order to find a happy relationship. Here are five common mindsets that could be keeping you from finding the happiness you deserve.


You are expecting to find the ‘perfect relationship.’

While, needless to say, the perfect relationship doesn’t actually exist, I feel that many people are becoming less and less likely to be willing to put the required work and effort into building something alongside a teammate. They are walking away at the first sign of difficulty, and it is preventing deep, meaningful relationships from actually developing.

No matter how easy and carefree myself or anyone else makes it sound like a relationship is, there are always going to be challenges you face. But, that’s what makes you and your partner stronger together. It’s what bonds you together as you overcome these obstacles as a team. It is what it means to be truly committed to the person you love.


You have not yet recognized your own self worth.

Relationships are not only about finding the right person to be with, they are also about being the right person to be with. For many of us, we do not just wake up one day and instantly become that person. We need to put in the time and effort to develop ourselves accordingly.

The bottom line is that “we accept the love we think we deserve,” and you get to decide what you deserve. Someone’s inability to see your value does not make you any less valuable, that’s why it’s called self worth. It’s up to you, not them.

If you do not feel like you truly deserve to be happy, you will always find yourself sabotaging the situations which can bring it to you. Stop being the victim, and start being the victor.



You are actually scared of finding happiness.

I remember a long time ago people used to talk to me about the concept of being scared of becoming successful. I never really understood what they meant, how could you be scared of success? How could you be scared of happiness?

Both success and happiness require risk. They require much more risk than mediocrity or just settling. Taking the safe path through the woods. Living a ‘beige’ life. And, it can be scary. It can be scary to think of falling for someone who does not fall for you in return. It can be scary to imagine giving too much to someone without them giving in return. But, without risk, there is no reward.

Fortune favors the bold, not just in life, but also in love.


You never think the timing is right.

Life gets crazy, we all get busy, and it becomes difficult to imagine shifting around our schedule in order to accommodate that of a whole other person in order to build a relationship with them.

The timing isn’t right, but you will be able to focus more after you reach your next goal. Or, after you make this deadline. Or, after your new assistant gets hired.

Whatever it may be, there is always an excuse that seems to keep us from doing what it is that we really want to do. “Someday” is not a day of the week, and it never actually shows up on the calendar. There is no perfect moment, but what there is, is the ability to take the moment and make it perfect.

There will be no wrong timing when you find the right person, but you need to be open to them coming into your life.



You are jaded.

This is maybe the most common reason I hear from people about why they do not want to date anymore. They have been burned in the past and have felt unappreciated, which I mentioned earlier. They don’t think there are any good people left in the world. No good men, and no good women. All men are jerks, and all women are crazy.

After one, two, or twenty disappointments, it is natural to become worn down and discouraged, but keeping your hope alive is the only missing piece to finding the person you are meant to be with.

There is no predicting when or where you will meet the person you fall in love with. You may be reading this article on your phone and bump into them on the street. You might be in line behind them in the coffee shop. You might meet them at a party. But, if you are too jaded to give them a chance when they do come along, you risk letting them get away forever.

While it may be a risk to put yourself out there and chase after happiness, it is far less of a risk than spending the rest of your life wishing you had.


Click here to get my new e-book, The Modern Man’s Guide To Chivalry And Courtship!



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  1. Sofia Lina on April 1, 2015 at 9:42 am

    I always love your posts! They are honest and truthful even when you don’t want to hear it…. I have always been scared of happiness and paired with my uncanny ability to make each guy a thing of “bad timing” well it has become my mantra (that sounds awful out loud). Yet, at this moment I have no time for another right now and my mantra of bad timing has always seemed to be the case (or the fact that I just don’t make time)….

  2. […] This article originally appeared on JamesMSama.com. […]

  3. lovenlyrix on April 6, 2015 at 9:13 am

    Reblogged this on LoveNLyrix.

  4. Sarah on May 7, 2015 at 1:04 pm

    Spot on!

  5. […] This article originally appeared on JamesMSama.com. […]

  6. Liza180 on July 9, 2015 at 2:20 am

    i like this post and its spot on. I have been that person who never thought she deserved love. The only men ever interested in me were married, unavailable, lived too far away. I finally put my heart on the line recently for the first time ever only to have him sabotage it and crush me because of his issues. I want to believe its him and not me but I’m having a hard time separating. I keep thinking I dont deserve love bcause I finally fell in live (im 44) only to have it crush me. I was in a great place–confident, happy, finally ready to meet someone and I did…now I’m struggling to get it all back. Its so hard to get out of that mindset that I dont deserve love while everyone else around me does. I deal with rejection so much in my job (sales) that I cant handle rejection anymore from the person I’m in love with. Im tired and exhausted from it.

  7. […] article originally appeared on James Michael Sama’s Blog. Follow him on Facebook and […]

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