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This Is What The ‘Perfect Relationship’ Really Looks Like

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[social_warfare]

When a lot of people read my articles, they often comment with how the standards I set for people and relationships are unrealistic. I have mentioned this before, because it is prevalent.

I think the ideas of a solid, happy, healthy relationship – and the idea of a ‘perfect’ relationship, often become misconstrued. I have never said that couples won’t fight, disagree, or argue. These are all natural parts of life and need to be expected when you combine two different peoples’ lives into one. I have never claimed the ‘perfect’ man, woman, or relationship could ever exist. Obviously, the entire concept is unrealistic.

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Perfection, as we know, is not attainable. One of the reasons why it’s not attainable is that it has a different meaning for everyone. What one person defines as “perfection” could be completely different from another.

Furthermore, perfection doesn’t allow room for real life. It doesn’t allow room for personality, for nuances, for the very things that make people and relationships beautiful.

What we can strive for, though, is finding what we could consider the “ultimate” relationship for us. When that one person walks into your life and makes you realize why it never worked out with anyone else.

What does this type of relationship look like?

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There is no judgment.

Happiness in a relationship comes from two teammates who are able to be open and honest with each other. That honesty comes from being comfortable to open up and know that you will not be judged.

When you’re sharing your life with someone, there is no room for discomfort, secrets, or lies. Especially secrets or lies that are forced by the inability to be genuine with your teammate.

The right person for you will support and encourage you on your journey to becoming the person you want to be, but they will also love you as the person you already are – no judgment allowed.

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You have discussions, not fights.

It’s natural to face conflicts when you spend a lot of time with any person, but a healthy relationship will resolve any issues by discussing their opinions and stances in order to understand each other better and reach a solution they both agree on. Frequent nasty, vindictive fights are a sign to re-evaluate your ‘relationship.’

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There is mutual support.

Whether or not you share each others’ passions or life ambitions, when you truly care about someone you want to see them succeed and be happy in whatever they love. This means standing beside them, not in their way, when they dedicate effort towards pursuing a goal.

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You are frequently intimate.

Let’s face it, this is a big part of a relationship – and it’ll be easy to tell if you’re in a good place together or not.

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There is unwavering mutual respect.

This one needs no explanation – mutual respect between partners in a relationship is paramount to its success. Honesty, trust, friendship, and intimacy all grow from this foundation. Without respect, there is nothing else.

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Trust.

I’m not sure why this one is so difficult to grasp, but if your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to go out with their friends who they haven’t seen in awhile, what’s the harm? A solid relationship won’t be shaken by this simple act and you’ll know they’ll be back in your arms at the end of the night or the next day. Nothing to see here, kids – move along.

If your partner doesn’t trust you, and you’ve given them no reason to feel this way, it is possible they are projecting their own infidelities or insecurities onto you.

In the “ultimate” relationship, both partners have earned each others’ trust and would never do anything to betray it.

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Compromise.

While of course you should be compatible with your teammate, that doesn’t mean that you will automatically love every single thing they love, and vice versa. If you truly care for someone and their happiness, you will be willing to watch, do, see, and experience things they enjoy, as they would do for you in return.

Without compromise, we can easily find our relationships resembling a see-saw with a huge boulder on one side, the distribution never shifts.

In this case, the boulder represents the wants and needs of one partner. There should be an equal amount of balance in order to keep you both happy and satisfied.

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You understand you both have a past, but that’s where it stays.

When animosity or bitterness from or towards a previous relationship is brought into a new situation, it’s like taking a shower and putting the same dirty clothes back on again after. You’re not really starting fresh.

Two mature teammates will accept the fact that they are (probably) not the first person their partner has ever been with, and understand that those experiences have shaped him/her into the person they are today.

In reality – these experiences should actually be seen as a good thing, because they ultimately created the person you fell in love with.

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You have similar goals or dreams for your future.

We can’t expect our significant other to have an identical plan for their future as we do (See: Compromise and mutual support), but it is reasonable to desire similarities when building a life with someone.

Like any team, as a relationship is, the results are best when the members are working towards a common goal together. This goal could even be something so simple as self-improvement. If one teammate is dedicating their life to personal growth, and the other is content with how things are and never displays a desire for change, then this can easily create resentment and tension over time.

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You never lose sight of the little things.

The small things you do for someone are what count the most. These are the actions that show your partner that you’re willing to put in effort for them, just because. No special occasion or holiday required. You don’t need a schedule to show someone you love them.

A happy, healthy relationship will consist of two partners willing to put in equal effort, consistently. Great relationships are not about give and take, they’re about give and give.

When these little things start to fade is when the strength of the relationship will start to become more questionable. Do they really appreciate you? Do they still care as much as they once did? Is our relationship becoming stronger over time, or weaker?

Once you start asking yourself these questions, it is time to address them and find real answers.

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Every person who reads this will have a different image of their “ultimate” relationship in their mind. The key thing is to understand that it is possible to achieve, as long as both teammates are willing to put in the effort to uphold the integrity of the wants and desires.

Does it sound like work? That’s because relationships can be – but that’s what makes the great ones so rewarding.

Click here to get my new e-book, The Modern Man’s Guide To Chivalry And Courtship!

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13 Comments

  1. Tina on March 18, 2015 at 5:02 pm

    People who comment and say that your ideals are “unrealistic” are just plain immature and have zero concept of what it means to break out of the mediocrity bubble. Everything you discuss is attainable if people are willing to grow up and work for it.

    • Frank Lee Speaking on January 15, 2016 at 9:26 pm

      Has this guy ever been married, or have children? If not, then any adult parent & spouse will tell you — He simply has no idea what he’s talking about. Relationships before marriage are — interesting, but not fully mature, unless it’s headed toward authentic commitment. I would suggest that Mr. Sama, look up Martin Buber’s I & Thou. There are 3 types of relationships: Dictator-doormat; You-Me (where people go through the motions of carrying out what they ‘think’ love looks like on Bdays, VDay, Christmas, dates, etc.); Then there’s an I-Thou relationship. Much of what Sama says are components of an Authentic I-Thou relationship. But you can’t just try to ‘find’ relationships that contain these. Because people aren’t Grocery Carts. You can’t put what items you love (ice cream, sharing, commitment, compromise) as traits — and dump what you don’t like (brussel sprouts, onions, personal fears that debilitate personal growth, etc.) People come as mixed bags. The most giving person may also be so degraded by their own negative self-concept, that his/her giving becomes a wall & albatross that weighs you both down, if you choose to get married. I.E. He or she refuses to or gets too scared to ‘grow’, finish school, find better jobs, stop smoking, eat better, etc. etc. That’s why relationships when dating are Nothing like relationships that require authentic vulnerability, to advance you both, or therapy. I know, I’m a clinician. One key trait you can look for however, when shopping for a relationship — is to recognize when a person can be truly — Vulnerable. Not weak. Vulnerable. The ability to try and willingness to fail, make mistakes, admit flaws, show your worst parts and ask for acceptance. A successful couple can sing each other’s songs, value how things count for that person, even when things count very differently for you. Tons more to say about it, but suffice to say — anybody $elling you on what a relationship is — when they don’t have a ring on their finger in the Above JMS picture, pretty much means — they don’t know what they are talking about, and have an agenda. Enjoy.

  2. lea habib on March 18, 2015 at 5:29 pm

    A lire. Lol

    Lea Habib

    >

  3. Miss flyness on March 19, 2015 at 2:05 am

    Compromise.. Hmmm…. My dude should go with me as I go shopping n help me pick up wots best:-)

  4. sooz2014 on March 19, 2015 at 11:20 am

    “If one teammate is dedicating their life to personal growth, and the other is content with how things are and never displays a desire for change, then this can easily create resentment and tension over time.”…
    This is the one that kinda scares me. Ever since I can remember I’ve been focused on growing as a person, in every way. My girlfriend is content spending 4-5 hours a day on her phone playing games, on Facebook, watching TV shows, etc…it is really starting to get to me when I think about me growing over the next 5 years and her doing what she does, I don’t think we’ll be compatible by then, and it probably won’t take nearly that long? 🙁

    • Li on March 27, 2015 at 12:00 am

      Dude….RUN!
      You are at the wrong place

  5. mapleliberty on March 19, 2015 at 1:54 pm

    James, another stunning post. Succinct and to the point (or points!)

  6. Heydude342 on March 22, 2015 at 4:43 am

    Hey James, what do you think about people checking other people out or watching pornography when in a relationship with their S/O?

  7. […] has their own “ultimate relationship” and their vision of what it would look like, but in the long run, the right relationship […]

  8. […] It has almost become a badge of honor to say you don’t “need” someone. Of course it’s true that nobody needs someone. Nobody needs to have a friend or a significant other – but it does improve life in multiple ways. […]

  9. […] needless to say, the perfect relationship doesn’t actually exist, I feel that many people are becoming less and less likely to be willing to put the required work […]

  10. […] needless to say, the perfect relationship doesn’t actually exist, I feel that many people are becoming less and less likely to be willing to put the required work […]

  11. Jaketanakkarakter on July 4, 2015 at 1:52 am

    Reblogged this on jaketanakanak.

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