The Real Reason The Modern Man Avoids Commitment
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I get a lot of questions…a lot…from women who are wondering why the ‘modern man’ doesn’t seem to want to commit these days. It’s a real issue because anyone – man or woman – who is consistently burned will of course become hesitant to give their heart to someone new.
Now, before I start getting flack for this article from men, because I know I will – I have to say that I of course understand there are plenty of women out there who are also dishonest and just go out to have a good time and don’t want a relationship either. But that is a different article for a different time.
Because of the volume of discussions related to non-committal men, I believe it is a worthwhile conversation to have.
Some people like to blame social media. They say there are ‘so many options’ out there these days that people are always looking for something better. While it is true that social media may make it easier to cheat and be unfaithful, it would be ridiculous to place the blame on it as the root of cheating. Everyone knows there has been infidelity for centuries before anyone even knew what a “Facebook” was.
If someone is going to cheat, they will find a way to cheat. If they are not going to cheat – no amount of beautiful Facebook friends or Twitter followers will make them do it. It may be a tool that enables someone, but only someone willing to use it.
There seems to be a lack of willingness to commit to anything in general these days. There are no more “lifers” when it comes to the workplace. I rarely, if ever, hear of anyone who is starting up a career at a company and plans to be there for the next 50 years. Instead, the modern men (and women) are jumping into fast-paced startups, making their own splash, and moving on to the next big thing as it comes along.
Unfortunately, this also seems to be the case with relationships.
I think it is a constant search for excitement and also the idea of entitlement that this is what we deserve. We should have the cool job, we should have a relationship that doesn’t require work or sacrifice. We should have all of these things that just don’t exist in real life. And when people start to face reality – they walk away and figure maybe the next person will bring them what they want.
The thing that happens with this mindset, though, is that it provides less security. I can say that despite going through a party phase where I avoided commitment like the plague, I grew up in an environment which taught me that someday the commitment is what I wanted. I saw the love and fulfillment that comes along with being with the right woman and I wanted it for myself, too. I just wasn’t sure when.
What I always said I wanted though, is to have the financial success first. I wanted to have the house or condo. The car (At least I have that part…), the financial security. I wanted to be able to take care of myself before I even thought about being able to take care of a woman. I say this from a personal perspective, meaning even if she made more money than I did and in no way needed me to ‘take care’ of her, I still wanted to be able to. It’s in all of our nature as men to want to provide for the woman in our life.
The truth is though, we can’t predict the order of the events life brings us. We may meet the woman of our dreams before we have reached the level of financial success we wanted to be at. Maybe we wanted to travel more. Maybe wanted to sleep with more women. Then…and only then, will we be comfortable with the idea of settling down.
Except, sometimes she shows up in our life anyway. Then what? Does he look at her and say “Well, I could have married that woman if I had the rest of my life in place…”? I think many guys do, or would…
Men and women view self worth differently. Men derive much confidence and value from accomplishments. Possessions. Status. Progress in their career. He could be the most kindhearted man in the world who is your ideal husband, but if he doesn’t feel fulfilled in these areas of his life, he will still feel wanting.
For this reason, a man can become his own worst enemy because he thinks if he doesn’t fully value himself due to lack of accomplishments, you won’t value him either. This is obviously an issue since you view his value differently than he does and the pieces don’t align. So, he begins to talk himself out of something great, for really no good reason at all.
To the guys: As we all know, finding the right woman is a challenge. I understand it can be frustrating and it’s easy to get jaded. This is all the more reason to not stand in your own way. Don’t put any more speedbumps on the road to your own happiness. If you are fortunate enough to have the right woman come into your life, do not let her go.
Trust me, I know what it’s like to have a vision for your own life, but sometimes the universe throws us curveballs and we have to adapt and adjust. One thing is for certain though: With the right woman in your life, you will be better motivated, supported, and inspired to reach your goals. Things become real – those visions you had for your future suddenly become your reality.
You will find yourself faced with two choices: Let her pass you by and continue to chase the mirage you’re seeing off in the distance, or join paths together and realize that you will be able to help each other fly.
Sometimes, you’ve just got to jump first, and build your wings on the way down.
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I can totally relate to, “a man can become his own worst enemy because he thinks if he doesn’t fully value himself due to lack of accomplishments, you won’t value him either.”
My last boyfriend kept pressuring me to figure out my life within a day when all I needed was to breathe and figure all that out on my own. Turns out after we split, I found everything I needed. I still don’t have what society says a woman should have by my age (which I don’t follow anyway) and I’ll be honest, it’s sometimes embarrassing to admit to others, especially guys, but I’m trying not to let that get in the way of finding love.
Great post, as usual. 🙂
Reblogged this on Darie's Daily Dish and commented:
It’s depend on Several mind.
Helping each other fly—is the best part of a partnership relationship! In fact, if done right, it becomes helping each other soar—which is the best part of life!
I can totally understand this.. I lost the man I saw a real future with because he was not where he wanted to be in life… I was always supportive of his dreams but even then he dint realize that we could fly together… one day he just talked himself out of it and walked away…
Well, I’m not sure. I think it’s perfectly understandable that each human being – male or female – needs to be able to take care of themselves before they start a new life with another person. There is no way I could picture being taken care of before I can made a living on my own: it would feel like being worthless, having to rely on somebody else to survive. You simply need to be able to have some accomplishments before you settle down, otherwise you’ll always have the feeling that you are not a valuable human being. I guess it’s a human thing, it’s not much about gender.
I understand your comment and where your heart is. My only concern is that some couples achieve their lifetime goals prior to marriage and then stop. Stop growing. I think you need to fly together. Otherwise you’re two people, not one – team.
*can make, sorry, anyways
I agree with what you said here. Social media isn’t the problem. A man/woman who doesn’t cheat wont find this to be that much of an influence on fidelity. I do think that we get too caught up in ourselves and are constantly looking for instant gratification, which social media can supply at times. We need to be more present and not live in a fantasy world. Once we nurture our real-life relationships more than we try to impress on the internet, relationships will last longer. We have to remove ourselves from the narcissism that comes with overusing social media.
What Men need to understand and recognize is: Anytime you dishonor a Woman by ignoring her, abandoning her, rejecting her, for whatever reason, he is teaching her to live … WITHOUT HIM. And once she’s gotten used to that, he needs to stay away because she WILL NOT take him back. Don’t believe me? Ask my three EXs.
My question is:Why should he commit? Nowadays women can look after themself can make a carreer and dont need a man in any way. In Europe e.g. the state has given all possibilities to women to act alone. Even to get children is possible without a man, well at least directly. They can go to a sperm bank and they even can choose the guy from a catalog 🙂 . Then they can go in parental leave for three years and then they can go back to the company. Their working place is hold free (ok perhaps not exactly the same function). The child is given in a day nursery. From a mans point of view I can say that most men I know have also a good job, they can better cook than many women, they can iron their shirts and can keep house. None of them needs a woman for that. No resposibilities for divorces, drama or children addicted to drugs. For both sides: Each woman can choose the man she wants to sleep with and vise versa. They both can working on their carreer and be independent and free.
You are assuming that a relationship is used to fill a ‘need,’ it is not. At least, not in modern times.
For me, a relationship is about WANTING to be with a woman. Loving her. Wanting to build a life together. Companionship. Friendship. Love.
Why should he commit? Because he loves her and wants to build a life with her. That’s why.
Ok, accepted. When we leave aside what you call ‘needs’ (and they will come, at least then when you decide to have children) then I must admit there aren’t IN MY CASE many reasons left to commit
,because there ist for me no ‘necessity’. Please don’t get me wrong: I have a lot to do with women, even more than with man if you take the number of contacts. In my bureau I am the only man. (Most of) My hobbies: more women then men. I spend a great time with them I feel fine between them. They are great friends and competent colleagues. It might be that I am not yet mature enough 🙂 Perhaps some day… But until then I follow the concept of ‘necassity’ (as nature does as well 😉 ), work on my career and go my way only responsible for myself.
[…] a lot of talk on this website lately regarding men who won’t commit, as well as what type of woman would actually make him want to commit, there have been many […]
Reblogged this on Jeni's Journey.
You’ve put something to words that I can relate to but have been unable to explain. Very well written
Great article. Usually the blame of avoiding commitment is put on men but maybe it’s because we can’t find a quality woman with whom we can fully commit.
I met someone who was quite possibly the love of my life when I was living abroad. I hadn’t ever felt that way about any man, and still to this day no other man has come close to making me feel that way. I know he felt the same way about me. But he had a “plan,” and he wasn’t as far along in his career as he wanted to be in order to have a serious relationship. He wanted to wait until he had a certain position in his career (about another five years) before getting into that. I had to move back to my home country for visa reasons, and he let me go. It completely sucks. I know in my gut that we were made for each other, but his practicality and need to be at a certain career level got in the way. I feel like he ruined our lives; we both may have great careers, but now we don’t have love, and I don’t know if either of us will ever find anything like that again. I can hope, but a connection like what we had doesn’t come around every day. Now all I can think about is the one that got away.
Needed to vent that out. This article perfectly explained what happened. Men, don’t let the love of your life go just because you don’t think you have accomplished enough. A life worth living doesn’t happen according to plan.
I can understand him……..
Commitment ~ I believe commitment begins with one’s self. You have to know who you are, really know who you are, before you can commit to another. You have to have had experienced success and failure and been able to stand on your own feet without assistance. You have to know and understand your history. You cannot be there for someone if you haven’t been there first, for yourself. You can’t expect the other to commit to you, if they, themselves, cannot stand balanced. You cannot “see” the other person, if you don’t “know” yourself. Many join in intimacy before any depth of knowledge of the other person. They rush out to find fulfillment and scatter themselves. Lust is temporary and fades and confuses; which, is the exact opposite of commitment. It takes two “whole” people for any commitment. We all want that whole person in our lives. Our focus should begin within. Love yourself, first.
Commitment – “Honey, stay with me for ever and ever until death do us part*”
*Or until such time I find someone shiner or just get bored and decide to leave you.
It’s even dangerous financially just to live with a woman nowadays. Not only do most of them put a massive drain on the “couples” finances (women think about feelz and money management not so much) but they represent a considerable risk when the decide to bolt.
Most men don’t openly talk about it, but there is a lot of “don’t get effen married bro” sentiment out on the streets.
MGTOW men and MRA types who no longer care about being cast out of the mating arena are very vocal about this, but men who with to continue to play in the arena know that to complain even one iota about the rules of the game would result in immediate mockery, shaming and ultimately exclusion.
So, men quietly go on, trying to navigate through this brave new world. They turned the game and it’s rules upside down, and look in amazement that men have changed their behavior in step.
Why should we play the same when the rules have changed? Because of female entitlement to “available men with resources” who will play no matter what the terms are?
Ladies: we’re not that pliable. You didn’t win. You just changed the nature of the game. In fact, sexual access was your ticket to male servitude and “commitment”. Hook-up culture means men can essentially get what they want from women (sex, maybe some companionship or friendship) and not sign up for a silly deal with her and the state.
When you dissolved the nuclear family and the benefit of being the head of a household for a man, you made the whole commitment thing obsolete. Feminism: you’re move.
Women: if you’re unhappy, thank feminism for telling you that you could have it all. Feminism lied.
Sid, you are a zillion percent right. I could not have said it better.