10 Promises You Need To Make To Your Future Spouse
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Sadly, marriage has lost much of its meaning in today’s society. Growing up in a household where my parents have been together for nearly 40 years and my grandparents were for over 60 years, I was always under the impression that marriage meant forever. It is a pledge, a promise, a commitment to another human being to be there for them and with them through thick and thin. To be their teammate and their partner in love and in life.
Unfortunately these days, ‘Until death do us part’ has become ‘until I get bored of you,’ or ‘until times get rough.’
With celebrities spending millions on marriages that last 72 days, over 50% of American adults being single, and a higher-than-comfortable divorce rate, one may begin to ask themselves what exactly is going haywire.
I think a big part of this problem is that people are not fully aware of what it really takes to commit to a marriage. They are rushing love, getting engaged (or pregnant) before they really know someone, and before you know it – a few years have gone by, and the divorce lawyers are collecting another pay day.
So – if and when we are going to make this important commitment to the person we love, what exactly is it that we need to be able to promise them for the future?
“I promise to stick by you through tough times.”
I’m starting off with an important one. I have said it before and I’ll say it again – anyone can stand by your side during the sunny days. The real test of character is whether or not they will hold the umbrella over you during the stormy days.
When making a lifelong commitment to someone, you are committing to being there for them “in sickness and in health.” Sickness – may not be a common cold. It may be a large, life-altering challenge. It may be the sickness of a family member. Maybe, your own sickness. It may not necessarily be a literal health challenge, but perhaps a rough patch in life that tests your commitment and love. You are not pledging to be a fair weather spouse and only be there when times are good. You are pledging to be there – always.
“I promise to always make us a priority.”
Yes, strive for success. Yes, go for that promotion at work. Yes, hustle to take your business to the next level. But be very careful not to destroy your relationship through neglect in the process. Before you were a CEO or a high-powered attorney or a doctor, you were a man or woman who fell in love. You are a human being who is intimately and emotionally connected to another human being.
Even the greatest accomplishments in life lose their meaning when we have lost the person we always wanted to share them with. The key is to find a balance. To build off of your relationship as a foundation. To appreciate your teammate as part of your success as he or she supports you along the way. Letting the scales tip too far in either direction will only lead to disaster.
“I promise I will never let you forget how much I love you.”
As an extension of the previous point, sometimes life gets crazy and we lose sight of things by accident. One of these things can easily be letting our significant other know how much he or she means to us, daily. One of the biggest problems in long term relationships is lack of gratitude. When someone feels taken for granted it can easily breed resentment and a whole slew of other problems that will eat away at your foundation.
You’ll know you’ve found the right partner when they keep showing you how much you mean to them, long after they’ve already committed to you.
“I promise I will not lose my identity.”
In any happy, healthy relationship, it is important that the two individuals who are together still remain two individuals. Of course your lives are combined into one and you have become ‘us,’ but if either partner begins to lose sight of their hopes, dreams, hobbies, or whatever makes them, them – it can bring about a deep dissatisfaction that could be projected onto the relationship.
This is another reason why self development is so important, as well as personal growth. We need to be sure to not only grow as a couple, but also as individuals alongside each other.
“I promise to keep things exciting.”
A step beyond consistently reminding someone you love them is literally taking action to keep the spark alive. Spontaneous candle-lit dinners. A bath running when they get home from work. A weekend getaway for no reason.
When we start a fire, we cannot walk out of the room and expect it to keep burning forever. We need to continue to add logs to it and to stoke it. If we keep doing that, it will never go out. The problems arise when we stop giving it the attention it requires in order to continue burning.
Always keep stoking your fire.
“I promise I will do my best for our children.”
I don’t have kids, so I can’t speak to the obviously large challenges that come along with it. But what I can do, is appreciate the importance of making them a priority in your life and doing everything you can to love, teach, and raise them into adults you can be proud of.
You can read all of the books you want, talk to all of the parents you want, and be as prepared as anyone could be – but one can imagine that there are endless unique challenges that every set of parents face. When you make the promise to your husband or wife that you will do the best you can and figure it out together along the way – that’s exactly what happens.=
“I promise I will accept and love you fully.”
We all have flaws. We all have insecurities. We all have things we want to change about ourselves. We cannot expect to like every single little thing about our spouse, but what we need to do is promise that we accept all of their traits, and love them to their very core, just the same.
“I promise I do not love you for your beauty.”
Yes, of course you should love someone’s beauty. Yes, of course you should be physically attracted to the person you are with. Yes, of course you should love making love to them. But all of these things are very different than loving someone for their beauty.
My mother and grandmother always said to never fall in love with someone for their hair, teeth, looks, or money – because they can lose all of it. When marriage is part of the conversation, when true love is part of the conversation, all of these things take a back seat to who this person is at their very center. In their heart. Who they would be if everything that made them beautiful got taken away. If it did, would you still love the person underneath it all?
“I promise I will not let myself go.”
Is this a contradiction to the previous point? I think not. There is an important distinction to be made between someone who reaches old age and someone who figures “hey, I’m married now, I can stop trying.” Of course bodies and appearance change as we age, but the point here is to not become a giant lump on the couch just because you’ve gotten yourself a husband or wife.
It is important we continue to live a healthy lifestyle. To eat right. To take care of the only body we have in this life. To show the man or woman you love that you will still put in effort for them and not become too comfortable. Just because you are in a long term, committed relationship, does not mean that your partner deserves a lesser version of you.
“I promise I am in this until the end.”
Scary, isn’t it? The rest of your life. Death. Possible illness. Forever. Hell yes, it’s scary. It scares the living daylights out of me, to be honest. I don’t want to get old, ever. I am watching my grandparents age and it kills me to think that we are all looking out into the same future. It is not romantic or glamorous or beautiful. And for them, they still have each other.
But, it is reality. It is love. It is commitment. And, it is marriage.
When you pledge the rest of your life to someone, that is exactly what you’re doing. I think this is so far outside of our realities that it’s almost not an ‘actual’ promise we feel like we are making. 50, 60, 70 years down the road? Who knows what the future will bring, anyway? We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it…
When you marry someone, though, you are making the promise that you will be crossing any bridges you reach together. You will do it whether you are walking side by side holding hands, or whether one of you is pushing the other in a wheelchair. You will cross each bridge you find along your journey with the quiet confidence that your partner is going to be stepping onto the other side with you.
How can you be sure they will be there?
Because they promised you.
_____________________________________
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Reblogged this on tokojenniferjulisiabatam and commented:
10 Promises You Need To Make To Your Future Spouse
Sadly, marriage has lost much of its meaning in today’s society. Growing up in a household where my parents have been together over 35 years and my grandparents over 60 years, I was always under the impression that marriage meant
I think i am intrigued and addicted to your blog. You are such an inspiration and on point with all of your blogs. So admirable and thank you for the wonderful blogs! I gave up on the love and wants but as i read your blogs it has reminded me to love/find yourself first and that deserving equivalent does exist. Thanks again for sharing such remarkable wisdom!
No offense. But I could tell that you are have life limited experience. Not because you are young but because you have too many false ideas of how a good life should be I your mind. All I can say is fuck u and your thinking you are fuked. No offense.
FYI–it’s really low-class and immature behavior to write “f u” to someone just because you don’t agree with their relationship advice. And then to add “no offense”? Really??? You sound jaded and could learn a lot from this site.
You seems more like a nice person ,, I really wish to know you more ,,
Not everyone who has a “good” view of life is limited in experience, young or naive. Some have simply learned to let hard times, struggles and adversity shape them and propel them to see life through brighter more experienced eyes. James writes about things in our society that we are getting very wrong and as a result of that many of us are experiencing the consequences in our relationships due to our wrong and harmful thinking. Keep writing James. You are doing great brother. It takes guts to stand up and go against the flow of things. You are having an influence and that is not easy to do in a world full of negativity.
Hahaha was thinking the same thing…
I absolutely loved this post. Like you I grew up in a household with both parents and had grandparents on both sides of my family that have been married for over 50 years. I think that one of the reasons their marriages last was because it had the proper foundation. There are many people who don’t have the proper foundation to sustain a lasting marriage. Anything worth building takes time and nowadays, it seems as though people rush into the fact that they are of a certain age and society tells them they should be married by now and that if it doesn’t work out, it’s not that big of a deal. I’m sorry, but as a wife and mother of two little boys, it is a very big deal. Marriage is perhaps one of the biggest commitments to be made and it’s not something to take lightly. These promises you posted are a great example of what it means to really love someone. I feel that if you cannot wholeheartedly do your best to keep these promises, then you aren’t ready for marriage. This is one that I will be telling my boys as they grow and develop into young men. Thank you for this post! It is very much appreciated.
Right on.
Nah, you missed what I think is the most important one.
“I promise that I will never ever intentionally hurt you physically or emotionally.”
Why “Nah”? Are you implying the entire article is void because I missed one point?
It’s a good point, but if all of these promises are valid, I think it’s pretty well understood that your partner will never intentionally hurt you.
Good sir, your listed points are very much valid, but they are but the petals on a flower. The stem upon which it all rests, my chosen words, make clear that her physically and emotional wellbeing is a man’s top priority.
Hello James. Well scripted
I ABSOLUTELY agree!!!! Thats exactly why my husband is losing the first woman who has ever loved and accepted him but obviously he has never considered this list since the day we said our vows. Instead of committing to make and keep any promises, He has committed to being all 7 TYPES OF PEOPLE TO AVOID, WHILE HURTING ME IN THE MOST HORRIBLE WAYS. MARRIED his career, moved us to another state, left me alone in a new place while he did everything he loves, leaving us a big lie. By becoming an angry, negative monster who told me how to talk, listen, eat, follow rules, learn and be taught to be ignored and manipulated long enough to strategically brainwash me to the point of risking my own health, both physically and mentally. Talk about knowing the way HURTING really feels. Words cant describe how brutal and negative my first year of MARRIED life was. Broken!
To love someone that you were dedicated to… In return I can say he was king of Disrespect and he loved to attack me full of rage and did everything to Assassinate my character for no reason. Finally after removing myself from the toxicity, I learned that is the first and last time I will ever give so much TO another. It is nothing but his distorted perception of what he defined as the truth ehich was a damn lie for five years. I know All about Narcissistic manchildren. One day too late, it comes back around eventually. Good Riddance to that bullshit!
[…] Originally appeared at JamesMSama.com […]
Thank you.i have to write these down and reread after a fight with my husband.
Reblogged this on Written from the heart and commented:
🙂
Reblogged this on PrincessaMae and commented:
For my future husband,
I promise I will never let you forget how much I love you.
Love,
Mae
I agree with “MeAndDating” 100 %! At a young age of 17, I was so in love with what I thought was a sweet 18 year olld boy. We married after a short 15 months of dating and had our first child 27 months later. I did not know he had been severely beaten by his mother while growing up. I didn’t kow he had hatred and anger inside from this abuse. I was in the company of his Mom, Dad, brother, and aunts and cousins quite a few times. There were o signs from anyone!
The 30 years I stayed with him (I was going to fix him by loving his hurt away), I suffered a lot of abuse when he would get drunk on the weekends. From hairpulling and twisting my hands nearly breaking my wrists to shoving me into walls, floors, kicking me, choking me. Not once did I fight back! Not once did I call the cops. Not once did I tell a soul. We had fraternal twin girls 4 years afterour firstborn. He even abused me when was preganat. Most of the time, the kids were asleep. But, sadly, my girls especilly remember him beating my head into the floor. He would always apologize with real tears and promise it would never happen again. Well, guess what? It happened again and aagaina nd again….. I also forgave him for 12 affairs and one night stands-the ones I know of. Did Ilove him? WITH ALL MY HEART and SOUL! Was I attractive and did I care for my appearance? Yes, first thing I did in the mornings after getting the kids fed and dressed. Did I clean and cook and do laundry? All day long. Was I willing to have sex whenever he wanted? Yes, at least for the first 20 years until I felt finally I no longer was in love with him? By then , it had gotten the best of me–I was walking around in a fog, went to work when my twin girls were 12 and my son 16. A man came on to me and you guessed it! All of that abuse, including verbal too-all of that cheating–done me in. I am just now beginning to heal after finally divorcing him 10 years ago. I am not proud of myself nor am I happy with the man who took advantage of my vulnerability. But, i take full responsibility for giving in. i should have left first? Am I with the other man? Nope! Had to give up my beautiful home, eventually my furniture, having to live witjh others, living with chronic pain that has worsened greatly, and with not even a GED. I was working for this guy in a very small office. He hurt me as much but in different ways than my ex but am glad to be alive to talk about it. I would never DO THAT again. It certainly doesn’t make things better and I cried every evening on my way home fromwork over the 30 minute drive home because of the guilt and shame; it was horrible! That was not me! I was so sweet and innocent. I’m still kind and extremely caring, more tha the average individual but I am hurt goods! Don’t know if I will ever seek love againbut if I do and run into problems, I will leave! No cheating! The worse part is I kept silent during those 30 years, not even telling my Mom or Dad. I knew Dad would hurt him if he knew. The thing is, he was smart about it too for although he drove hois fist back many times, not once did he use his fist on me. My average weight then was 120 and him 220 and he was very strong. I stayed for many reasons but the main ones were I loved him and was taght early on to forgive and our church believed in one marriage. I thought I could be the glue to hold the family together and thought I would make him all right with that special love of mine. Wat was I in reality? A “SPECIAL” fool! Whooowwaa! I have a story within me that has been siilent for so long annd since I love to write,I think I am going to write a book! However, the good news: I am trying to get through school but struggling with my health issues. Been going now for four years and not only had to change schools once but lost credits and then have even changed my major. I hope I can do it! I am trying my best!
Thanks for sharing!
Debra
I am ABSOLUTELY proud of you for leaving that HORRIBLE life experience, I learned to love and care just like you and Im actually in the same situation but not half as unfortunate as the hell. If you ever get this, id be there to say id listen bc I felt your pain as im about to start the end of our marriage. I left a message right above yours. And if you were to be open for talking I have an email adress if you respond. I hope you get this bc I was empathetic to your story and wish you peace and happiness one day bc we are deservin, thank you t
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