Women Like Sex Too, And That’s Okay
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If you’re reading this, you’re witnessing history. Out of nearly 300 articles on this website, this is the very first one that will go into any detail whatsoever on the topic of sex. That being said – I am, unfortunately, expecting to lose readers because of this topic. Before you unsubscribe, I would ask you to read my points here to the end, think it through, and avoid any knee-jerk emotional reaction.
This is certainly not a “how-to” article or a “10 ways to turn them on” piece you’d find in Cosmopolitan. It’s more of a series of thoughts I have had after multiple observations that whenever intimacy is mentioned in a discussion, a surprising amount of people put some sort of “blame” on men, and ignore one very simple fact:
Women like sex, too.
Mature, consensual, responsible, adult, steamy, passionate, romantic, sex. Or, hey, whatever kind you’re into.
That is the only type of sex I am discussing here. There will undoubtedly be readers who bring up “yeah, but…” situations that are not relevant to this particular discussion, let’s please do our best to remain mature and on-track about an important and necessary subject to converse about when it comes to dating and relationships.
What we are talking about here is a beautiful and natural part of a relationship that brings two people together. Of course there are those who will misuse it and be irresponsible, but so is the case with alcohol, fast cars, food, et cetera.
One of the interesting things I find about the topic of sex is that people frequently tell me that “a real gentleman” would not be intimate with a woman in this way (presumably until marriage) in order to “preserve her dignity.” Well, that’s all well and good if that’s what you believe, but that’s what you believe, and do not have the power to govern how anyone else chooses to live their life.
If you want to talk about respecting a woman and “preserving her dignity,” then what about what SHE wants? In my experience, women desire sexual activity just as much as men do. If a woman wants to be active with you, would it not be disrespectful to actually deny her wishes?
Why is it so often assumed that sex is a result of a man coercing or persuading a woman into doing something she doesn’t want to? Furthermore, why is it seen as disrespectful to a woman to be sexually active with her? This, I find, archaic, unjustified, and ridiculous.
What we are inadvertently doing here is vilifying a natural, beautiful, mutually pleasurable (if you do it right) experience that two people can share in together. By doing this, we are taking away freedom of expression from both men and women, and we are perpetuating the (false) idea that consensual sex equates to disrespect or something of the sort.
Consensual sex is not the objectification of women. In fact, it is the exact opposite. It is the appreciation and learning about a woman in her most genuine form. It is the exploration of her thoughts and desires. Her passions and fantasies. The very core of her being.
Being a chivalrous gentleman is not about abstaining from sex. Being a chivalrous gentleman is respecting the boundaries of the woman in your life. Building the experience together. Not forcing anything, ever. It is about treating her with the proper dignity and respect – and that can very much happen within the borders of a sexually active relationship.
Furthermore, consider the decrepit state of Sex Education in America. The decline of biological understanding among our youth, and the widespread issue of teenage pregnancy. Perhaps, if we stopped brushing the topic under the rug, those who need to learn about it, actually would.
So, I submit to you, embrace your own desires as well as the man or woman you care about, as if they were perfectly beautiful and natural – because they are.
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“Consensual sex is not the objectification of women. In fact, it is the exact opposite. It is the appreciation and learning about a woman in her most genuine form. It is the exploration of her thoughts and desires. Her passions and fantasies. The very core of her being” ——–SPOT ON!!!! Great article. If your writing a blog about relationships and a relationship with yourself why not talk about sex!? It’s human nature!! Nailed it 🙂
Thank you!! I am admittedly nervous about having this on here but comments from people like you who understand the concept are the exact reason why I took the risk. I really appreciate that!
lovely.. Thanks for writing this.
You’re very welcome Sneha! Thank you for reading. 🙂
Thank you James – I’m not sure where you got such enlightened information about women’s sexuality but you are on a right track. I have only discovered this in a mature age of 50 – plenty to enjoy going forward 😉
Thanks so much Eva! I have just done the best I can to observe, converse, and learn. I often don’t feel like I am saying anything that hasn’t been said before, it’s just things that many people don’t take the time to figure out and realize. 🙂
Spot on with what Nicole quoted! Two thumbs up on this article. If you are to lose anyone because of this article then they truly do not understand that women do like sex too.
Thanks Christina! I decided that it was more important that I put across the message I want to accurately rather than censoring myself and representing myself incorrectly. I very much appreciate your feedback. 🙂
Thank you. This article is amazingly well spoken and true for me. I’ve been following your blog for a handful of months now, along with my teenage daughters. As a woman and a Mom of daughters, its hard to see the influences of social media on my young ladies. Your blog is a breath of fresh air, and I appreciate you tackling the more delicate topics, as a gentleman would.
Hi Sheila! Thanks so much for following along here as well as allowing my thoughts and words into your family – it means a lot that you would trust my opinion enough to pass it along to your daughters. I am doing everything I can to spread these messages as far as possible to hopefully spark a positive change. Stay in touch!
I could not possibly agree more. Great article. I’m so tired of our society implying, both explicitly & implicitly, that sex is inherently bad for women &/or that women don’t actually want sex. Both are just plan wrong. Sex isn’t demeaning to women if it’s done right. And it CAN be done right. I’m also glad you brought up the topic of sex education in this country. It is pathetic. I grew up in a conservative, religious small town in which the public school more or less taught abstinence-only education. Technically we learned about birth control but we were also told over & over that waiting for marriage was best & that all birth control, especially condoms, had a very high failure rate. So naturally it’s not too shocking that teen pregnancy is ludicrously high in that area. Overall, I’m so tired of society acting like female sexual desire is either nonexistent or dirty. It is neither. It is just natural.
Thank you! I totally agree with what you’re saying about how sex is generally vilified when it comes to women and it’s almost put out there that they’re “not allowed” to have wants or desires. It’s oppressive and ridiculous. I do not discuss my religious opinions on here, though they are very strong, however, I am not surprised to hear that sad news about how health “education” was handled in your town.
I’m very glad to hear your input on this, it helps me realize I made the right decision by publishing this article!
Oppressive & ridiculous, absolutely. I’ve often written on my own blog about how strange it is that our society has this paradox of women being treated as sexual objects & yet not being “allowed” to have desires of their own. On the one hand a lot of the media & popular culture makes women feel like nothing more than sexual objects, but on the other hand more conservative groups who say they oppose this kind of thinking actually do exactly the same thing by saying women are sullied if they aren’t virgins . . . It’s absurd either way.
Perfectly said, James. Coming from a staunchly Christian family, the shame and secrecy surrounding this topic clouded my early sexual relationships. I wish I had read this article when I was much younger 🙂
Thanks Susanne! I understand how opposite this viewpoint is to those of certain beliefs, so if I can help open a couple of eyes here and there or at least make people think a little harder about a topic that often gets ignored or vilified, then my job is done. 🙂 I appreciate you reading and commenting!
Very tastefully written & received! Hopefully, a lot of people will read this and gain some needed insight! Thanks for having the guts to do it! 😉
Thanks so much! Please feel free to share. 🙂
Couldn’t have said it better myself! Way to be real!
YOU hit the nail on the head! Why deny ourselves love??! My boyfriend and I were really great friends for a year before we decided to dive in, head first, into a romantic, committed relationship. When we were JUST friends, we would talk about sex and I would tell him that I love sex (with someone I care deeply about) and that I have a very high sex drive..Well, he didn’t believe me because he never saw that side of me of course. Let me just say this..he now takes naps before we get together, takes vitamins and works out! Giving and receiving love is the most beautiful gift a person can experience! Thank you James for a great article, as always!
HAHAHA, thanks for sharing Michelle, great comment! Glad you guys are happy (and active)!
Hehe! Me too!
Fist, let me say I agree with this post whole heartedly! Second, as a relatively new reader, I was surprised to hear you were nervous about posting the content and I am glad you expressed your thoughts. I am going to speak generally based on my experiences and observations on the subject. The perception that consensual sex is the objectification of women is incorrect. Women do not believe that it’s disrespectful to them if a man wants to be sexually active with her. Assuming of course it is what both parties want. I think though men have this thought because women are less forth coming with these desires than they should be. As a woman, I need to express what I want on all levels of the relationship including intimacy and sexual desires. Perhaps this is another good topic to address in a future post? For example, why is a woman who expresses these wants seen in the light as that of a strumpet, or less lady like? You can be a gentlemen and engage in consensual sex. On the flip side, you can be a lady and enjoy it as well! Side note, I don’t know what your subscriber ratio is for men and women, but I am sure hoping some men share their thoughts too. Thanks again for writing. I enjoy reading your posts.
The “sexual liberation” philosophy is flawed. The argument for keeping sex within marriage has nothing to do with respecting women. It’s about respecting children. It is precisely because sex is pleasurable for both parties, that it must be kept within marriage. When sex outside of marriage was taboo, sexual pleasure was a crucial part of the glue that held marriages together. Why is it important to hold marriages together? Because children require a feminine influence and a masculine influence for optimal psychological development. Marriage is based on children. In a culture like the current one, where sex is available outside of marriage (via pre-marital sex, adultery or easy divorce), the glue of marriage weakens, and children are suffering the consequences. When a child suffers during their formative years, it readily become a permanent mental illness that affects their adult relationships, and their children. It’s a self-perpetuating cycle. This explains why you see divorce rates and mental illness (particularly depression) sky-rocketing.
Sex outside of marriage has been prevelent since the beginning of time. Men throughout history have seeked sex outside of marriage, but it was women who were expected to be faithful. Concubines, sex slaves, polygamy, and prostitutes are just a few examples.
Great as always! Women should be able to do whatever they want – whether that’s making love at all hours of the day, or waiting until their wedding – and that should be the whole point; they can do whatever they want and be embraces for it. Love it x
Good article James. If I may respond to a question you posed in the article: It is not disrespectful to deny a woman sex even when it’s what she wants. That would be like saying it’s disrespectful to turn down drugs or not accept someone’s religious views (not that I’m comparing either to the subject at hand). Men are abstinent for reasons other than “preserving a woman’s dignity.” As an abstinent male myself, I have my own principles by which I stand. And quite frankly I’m tired of the idea that abstinence is all for the benefit of the woman.
So overall I’m glad you put up these thoughts for discussion. I just hope that people understand that turning down a woman’s desire for sex IS NOT disrespectful.
Joe, as a woman who chooses abstinence, I think the key is honest communication and a mutual respect of boundaries. It is not fair to lead someone on if they are expecting a sexual relationship. That is the more common anyway, so they may as well look elsewhere. Unfortunately, many are intrigued by virgins and say they are ok with that, then continually seek to “liberate” them. That is not respectful of a person’s extremely intimate choice. It’s ok to disagree, but it’s not ok to force your idea of sexuality on another person.
This is incredibly well-stated. It’s sad for me to see so many women under the false illusion that liking sex is “bad” or taboo. Sex is completely natural and beautiful and should make a woman feel empowered, not ashamed.
Thanks so much for writing.
Such a pity that apparently it is necessary to write about something so obvious as enjoying sex together.. not critizing you, but the old fashioned idea of chivalrously abstaining should have been know to all by now, I would think. Not imposing my beliefs, though. Good if you reach those that should read this and be helpful. Like!
Sorry to spoil the party here. Don’t get me wrong, sex is beautiful and meant to be mutual and enjoyed by men and women alike. However it has to be reserved for an exclusive relationship and the only wholly exclusive relationship I can imagine is the one found within marriage. Because I wonder how gentlemanly it is to have sex with someone else’s future wife (if the person you are having sex with is only your girlfriend). Or how gentlemanly is it towards your future wife to have sex with another woman?
Agree 100%. Fornication just completely ruins the intimacy. And without that, what’s the point?
I regularly read and enjoy your articles, they provide interesting perspectives and are well written. One point that I felt was a bit contradictory was “If a woman wants to be active with you, would it not be disrespectful to actually deny her wishes?” Does that mean that a man who desires sexual activity from his partner should not be denied it as it would be disrespectful for his partner to do so? I doubt that it was the impression meant to be given. I feel that it creates a double standard as both partners should enter into sexual relations because they both want to, not because it would be disrespectful not to. Both partners have the right to choose whether or not they want to have sex; I feel that your argument could be easily misinterpreted. I suspect it was not intended to mean denying sex is disrespectful to your partner as it goes against essentially all of the themes and values of your other articles. I really value your insights, but that point may need more clarity as it’s implications are concerning.
Honestly I want to scream Hallelujah on this article!!! Finally! Yes, absolutely! It is such a double standard topic! Man can have as much as sex as they want as its experience you know and they can openly like it, but nooooo women are shamed with bad words if they like sex! This is so unnatural! It is the most beautiful form of expression of connection between two people! We should embrace it equally for man and women!