The Simple Way To Get Men To Put In More Effort


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The other day I had a conversation with the guys about how to give women better compliments. How to be better, and do better. This article is a whisper in the ear of all of my female readers.

We are slowly but surely devolving as a culture into the abyss of “that’s just the way things are now” when it comes to dating.

Whether or not we like it or agree with it, there is a traditional dating model that has remained intact regardless of the infinite other changes which have occurred over the decades: The man pursues, and the woman is pursued.


Here’s something men will never admit, but it’s the truth: This undoubtedly gives the “power” to the woman. I don’t like to use the word “power” when it comes to relationships because it implies that someone is in control over another, which should never be the case. But in this context, it shows who is making the final decision when it comes to accepting or denying someone’s advances.

When in the wild, our male animal relatives must work to prove they are the best in order to win the female’s acceptance. Whether it be mating or hunting for food, the concept is the same – the amount of effort required is proportional to how much of a challenge it is to reach your goal.

If a man’s goal is to get a date with a woman or to build a relationship with her after a couple of dates have already happened, we are seeing a decline in society of how much effort he must actually put in.

Why? Because women are accepting less. And therefore men are putting in less effort. And if a woman is too “hard to get,” men are being trained to think that there will be another woman who doesn’t require as much effort, so he can just change his focus if he wants to.


When we accept or surrender to “times having changed” and the new “standards” of dating, we immediately drastically lower the bar. We mentally give in and force ourselves to settle even though it feels wrong, because, is finding better even possible?


It is possible when you stand up and refuse to accept anything less than a man’s best effort. Does he only text you, but you’d rather him call you? Then say something about it. But – keep it positive, playful, and fun. Tell him you love the sound of his voice and you want to hear it more.

Don’t make him feel bad or guilty, he probably just hasn’t come across a woman who requires more effort from him, so he doesn’t know what he needs to do differently.

I am not saying accept the fact that guys are clueless when it comes to dating, but understand that if you do take a stand (which you should) on what you would accept, then it will probably be a new experience for him, and he may need some insight from you.


But, one thing is for certain – if he is the right type of man and is truly interested in you, he will put in the effort required to reach the bar you have set. If he doesn’t – let him go. The moment you accept less, that is precisely what you will end up getting.

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  1. Nikki Babie on July 17, 2014 at 7:35 pm

    Reblogged this on THE OFFICIAL NIKKI BABIE BLOG and commented:
    Ladies, I love reading his blogs, James Michael Sama and I hope you do too…

  2. Kimberleigh Poston on July 17, 2014 at 8:51 pm

    Spot On.
    Many women these days don’t even give a man a CHANCE to pursue them because they give in so easily, or they’re the ones initiating from the start. I’m not talking about “playing games or hard to get”. But I mean give a man something to work towards! If he doesn’t think you’re worth the pursuit then let him walk. I’ve seen so many women lower their standards because they just ‘want so much to be with a man’ – (ANY MAN!). Sad thing is though, when women lower the bar they lower it for everyone.
    Personally I think everyone should raise the bar a little. Men should start expecting women to be LADIES and women should expect guys to be MEN.

  3. rlcarterrn on July 17, 2014 at 9:09 pm

    So true. I can’t agree more with every single word of this. Was just discussing this concept with a friend yesterday. It might not be fair but in life the behavior you tolerate is the behavior you will get. Both genders need to wake up & realize this so we don’t constantly end up disappointed.

    • Sara on July 17, 2014 at 9:28 pm

      So true!! I have to tell myself this more and more….. Especially in my current situation.

  4. questforahusband on July 17, 2014 at 9:46 pm

    So, I definitely love everything you said in here and I agree 100%. The problem I find is that there are too many women willing to settle which kills it for women like me. I don’t lower my standards. I am kind. I smile and thank a man for opening a door for me. I am vocal with what I would like and I am willing to give in return, however… it seems that the men that I meet are not interested in working. Because I am not throwing myself at him, I must not be interested. It is frustrating. I wish women as a whole would see their worth and stop settling.

  5. NC on July 18, 2014 at 9:16 am

    I agree with a caveat. Men have (as well they should) a line where they will believe it is no longer reasonable or acceptable to have such standards and move on to the next. If a woman’s standards are high but achievable and she is perceived to have the value to a potential suitor to warrant such requirements, its up to the man to achieve them. It is, however, incumbent on the woman to set a reasonable standard and find the man that fits. Emphasis on reasonable however as i do believe a small subset of our culture (id like to believe its small at least) set unrealistic expectations on things, for example, He must be rich and take me out weekly. He must never look at another woman, ever. He must never make a mistake. To be truly happy, IMHO, a woman must set expectations she herself achieves and accept no less than that :-). great write up as always

  6. Matt on July 18, 2014 at 12:24 pm

    Im all for striving to meet what a woman expects as I hold high standards myself. But I find a lot of them lose interest during the pursuit. Its hard for us guys to get an idea of how we are doing if you arent receptive or responsive to our advances. I can only be humorous for so long when it feels like Im talking to a brick wall, and it seems so many women I meet these days will make a decision if they are interested or not in the first two minutes of knowing you.

    • A on February 1, 2016 at 11:10 am

      Sounds like you’re only chasing women who aren’t interested in y ou

  7. Kerry on July 19, 2014 at 8:17 am

    This is precisely why I am still single after ending my abusive marriage. I think you’ve exactly hit the point. Wine expect less, men give less…. I come along and won’t lower my bar. The men decide I’m stuck up and I’m too fussy, umm I’m a country girl turned city…. I’ll give anyone whose respectful the time of day. It seems to be a vicious circle. My turn will come this I know! Here’s to raise the bar! Cheers

  8. […] other day, I came across a post by James Sama called The Simple Way To Get Men To Put In More Effort. He highlights a probable explanation of why men could be putting in less effort into building […]

  9. Richard on July 22, 2014 at 10:14 pm

    well written and insightful as always

  10. Catherine Michael on August 3, 2014 at 11:39 pm

    Did women start expecting less so men started giving less, or did men start giving less so women were forced to accept less? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Let’s fall back on the social norm and lay the blame at women’s feet. I don’t see my female friends lowering their standards nor do they have unreasonably high standards and yet many of them are single. The men have simply stopped putting in effort. Do they feel they are entitled, that they shouldn’t have to “work” on a relationship, or maybe they think there are so many women available they don’t have to “deal with” the ones that require effort? The male friends that I have that know a relationship is a partnership and who work on their relationships are all married to great women (who also didn’t settle).

    I don’t see the decline in effort on the part of men being anything that women did or didn’t do; I would look for another answer. What about the difference in how parents raised their children 10-40 years ago when the current dating pool was young? Were there different expectations of boys than girls? I know there were in my world. I was supposed to be a “wonder woman.” I could work in any career I wanted, get any degree I wanted, being a girl wasn’t going to slow me down in this brave new world. I could have (and was expected to have) a career, a husband, children, a well kept home, a higher education, pets, and a serious hobby. (It makes me tired just thinking about trying to do all that now.) Meanwhile, I still had to make A’s (or I lost my car), behave well (or I was grounded), do chores (before I could join my friends), hold a part-time job (for my own spending money), etc. Essentially be the perfect kid. My brother on the other hand was not required to maintain any given GPA, was not required to hold a job, was given the exact car he wanted the day got his license, and had an allowance through college. He has a sense of entitlement now and begrudges any good circumstance that comes my way and states that any bad circumstance I encounter is a fault on my part; no empathy or understanding of hardships because he has never had them. Did he put effort into his relationships? Never, and the things he said about his dates to his friends were very degrading. It was only after his wife of 8 years almost walked out the door with his daughters that he changed. However, it was the fear of losing his daughters, not his wife, that made him start to work on the relationship. Bottomline: I don’t know why men seem to be less willing to put effort into relationships, I suspect there are many reasons not just one. However, once a man finds something in a relationship to fight for, they figure out pretty quickly that they need to show some effort if they want to keep that relationship.

    I think this cultural plague of indifference-to-effort stems from several trends in our society that encourage a lack of effort, less competition, and a sense of guilt for advancing beyond your peers. If everyone’s a winner regardless of effort or outcome why put in the effort?

    • Kimberleigh Poston on August 4, 2014 at 12:27 am

      SO. Well. Said.

    • Chris on April 4, 2019 at 3:58 am

      “Did women start expecting less so men started giving less, or did men start giving less so women were forced to accept less ”

      Women started both demanding more and offering less themselves, so men with self-respect stopped buying your overpriced, sub-par product. Forget not buying the cow because the milk is free– men are increasingly asking “Why do I want a cow that only gives spoiled milk?” Sorry, but being expected to be 5x what my father was for women who aren’t even 1/4 of what my mother was gets a hard NO from me… and if you raise your standards farther still, you can bet you’ll have even fewer men to pick from, as even more of them leave the dating pool.

      The bottom line is this: If your friends can’t get attention from the men they want, then the problem is them– they’re the common denominator in their interactions with men. They’re either expecting a man who’s out of their league, or not showing enough reciprocation/actual worth soon enough to men who do pursue them.

      FTR, I grew up in an unusually stable family (relative to present day), so I know exactly what balanced, stable relationships look like (I can elaborate if you like). I know plenty of men in the present day who match the male role models I had growing up. Modern women, on the other hand, talk a big game, but when push comes to shove, they fall completely flat compared to the female role models I had during that same time.

      That’s aside, that’s a nice sob story about your childhood… since this article is about men supposedly not making effort, I’m going to spare the detailed rant about how society puts all the pressure you complained about on men by default, except you can add being expected to provide for a family including an adult partner (which might require doing a job he absolutely hates), and with virtually none of the support of and gratitude/respect for their effort that women get, if any at all.

      Instead, let’s just talk about your brother’s marriage, which, for purposes of this discussion, you’ve already set the tone for. In your own words, you’re basically saying your brother is a narcissistic piece of shit… yet some woman chose, of her own concious free will, to marry that piece of shit and make him the father of her kids. I’m willing to bet she passed over men who DID make effort for their relationships too, and instead chose your piece of shit brother instead. Explain to me why your sis-in-law rewarded your piece of shit brother instead of some other guy who actually paid more attention to her and likely showed more character right from the start. (this is a pattern among modern women– you reward the narcissistic piece of shit, then take men of solid character for granted, then bitch about how men are all narcissistic pieces of shit).

      But then, there’s another (perhaps even more important) facet to this dilemma… what’s your sister-in-law tangibly worth as a relationship partner? Seriously, other than being born with a vagina, tell me why this woman deserved better than your piece of shit brother… what did she actively offer men of better character than your piece of shit brother? (and keep in mind, COULD offer is not the same as DID offer… Example: I CAN fix a sink, but if I WON’T fix your broken sink, doesn’t really matter that I CAN fix a sink, now does it?) How much interest did she show them? Did she work as hard for them as she did for your piece of shit brother, or did she take their efforts for granted, the same as your piece of shit brother does/did of her, making her (relatively speaking) a piece of shit as well?

      Maybe the reason you’re only finding men that act like narcissistic pieces of shit who disregard their women is because that’s what, in practice, women are generally responding to.

      • Any K on November 11, 2019 at 4:10 pm

        Hey. I really like the insights of your response here simply for the level of thought you put into this but let me tell you from a womans perspective that has her shit together (aka house owner, hard working, ambitious, emotionally intelligent and compassionate) playing the dating game is a real disaster because a) I do know my worth AND b) put effort into developing relationships. Whicheans I show definitely interest without being to overbearing. I have my own life and do my things aka I don’t need the guys to be around me 24/7.bjt the simple truth is that All the men I met so far since being single are being not even playful or seductive too soon but actuary plain vulgar. Secondly, if I don’t text them constantly I apparently show too little interest but if I do I am needy and overbearing. It seems like whatever you do you do wrong as a woman. I do my best and I am clearly showing my interest by being affectionate and showing care for the person. And only once I had enough of those confusing games and ready to walk away that’s when they wake up and realize fuck the grass ain’t greener on the other side. But by that point I’m already emotionally drained and quite frankly hurt that a guy would do this to a woman that seemingly has everything that guys actually want in a woman. I think it’s the awareness that needs to rise. Even if there was a guy in the past that liked me and was willing to ‘work for me’ as they put it here and if I was simply not attracted to him(aka your reference that sis in law may have had that scenario in her past) I was respectful and thanked for the great time but didn’t lead anyone on or even worse used them as a cash cow for a free meal. And yet, I received verbal abuse because I thanked them gracefully but wouldn’t see it work for another date. And I cannot tell you how many of these guys I have met this year and everytime it’s heartbreaking. Especially as someone who doesn’t jump quickly into a relationship but needs time to develop that connection. But I guess what really fucked people up is the on demain culture with everything.

      • Truther1 on January 27, 2022 at 1:31 am

        Oh look, an incel in the wild. Thanks for proving her point, knob.

  11. francelag on August 18, 2014 at 8:54 pm

    Reblogged this on Francela Gutiérrez.

  12. OilyQueen on August 21, 2014 at 6:10 pm

    Gonna keep it simple and just say…

    YES YES YES! thanks again for saying it perfectly!!!

  13. tnhu0820 on June 25, 2015 at 1:53 am

    Reblogged this on Talia and Chidinma's Blog.

  14. Meow on April 17, 2016 at 1:14 am

    It can’t be true, that women have to put little effort, to make a man chase, because what can we chase, if it’s just a skirt? There has to be more to you than that, nothing that’s set by Gender roles, that girls expect men to follow. I think women should be more honest, be more interesting, so a man will get the idea and realize that what they’re chasing, is something worth going after.

  15. John on April 21, 2017 at 2:19 am

    It’s actually much easier than this. If you want a man to put in effort, be worth it. Men go after what they want. If he’s not chasing you, he doesn’t want you. Period. Quit overthinking everything.

  16. Philip on August 12, 2017 at 2:57 am

    ladies think back to all those times you let some stud smash your guts within hours of meeting him… now understand that (1) there are other hoes out there and (2) no man wants to put effort into a woman when another man is just 20 mins away from cumming on your face.

    • melrem on October 20, 2017 at 7:38 pm

      You need to stop watching porn and living in the sick ass fantasy world you do
      You are a disgusting piece of shit

    • Any K. on November 11, 2019 at 4:15 pm

      Philip the reality is that no matter how long you wait it’s always wrong. 2 weeks and you’re friendzoning him, 2 months and you’re a prude. 3 dates and you’re a hoe or that’s all he actually ever wanted in first place.

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