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The Simple Way To Get Men To Put In More Effort

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The other day I had a conversation with the guys about how to give women better compliments. How to be better, and do better. This article is a whisper in the ear of all of my female readers.

We are slowly but surely devolving as a culture into the abyss of “that’s just the way things are now” when it comes to dating.

Whether or not we like it or agree with it, there is a traditional dating model that has remained intact regardless of the infinite other changes which have occurred over the decades: The man pursues, and the woman is pursued.

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Here’s something men will never admit, but it’s the truth: This undoubtedly gives the “power” to the woman. I don’t like to use the word “power” when it comes to relationships because it implies that someone is in control over another, which should never be the case. But in this context, it shows who is making the final decision when it comes to accepting or denying someone’s advances.

When in the wild, our male animal relatives must work to prove they are the best in order to win the female’s acceptance. Whether it be mating or hunting for food, the concept is the same – the amount of effort required is proportional to how much of a challenge it is to reach your goal.

If a man’s goal is to get a date with a woman or to build a relationship with her after a couple of dates have already happened, we are seeing a decline in society of how much effort he must actually put in.

Why? Because women are accepting less. And therefore men are putting in less effort. And if a woman is too “hard to get,” men are being trained to think that there will be another woman who doesn’t require as much effort, so he can just change his focus if he wants to.

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When we accept or surrender to “times having changed” and the new “standards” of dating, we immediately drastically lower the bar. We mentally give in and force ourselves to settle even though it feels wrong, because, is finding better even possible?

Yes.

It is possible when you stand up and refuse to accept anything less than a man’s best effort. Does he only text you, but you’d rather him call you? Then say something about it. But – keep it positive, playful, and fun. Tell him you love the sound of his voice and you want to hear it more.

Don’t make him feel bad or guilty, he probably just hasn’t come across a woman who requires more effort from him, so he doesn’t know what he needs to do differently.

I am not saying accept the fact that guys are clueless when it comes to dating, but understand that if you do take a stand (which you should) on what you would accept, then it will probably be a new experience for him, and he may need some insight from you.

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But, one thing is for certain – if he is the right type of man and is truly interested in you, he will put in the effort required to reach the bar you have set. If he doesn’t – let him go. The moment you accept less, that is precisely what you will end up getting.

Want direct help from me to make sure you are dating a winner instead of a loser?

I frequently coach busy professionals who want a more fulfilling love life.

If you are looking to work with an experienced relationship coach who has helped hundreds of busy professionals find the love life they deserve, Click here to book a call on my calendar. 

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20 Comments

  1. Nikki Babie on July 17, 2014 at 7:35 pm

    Reblogged this on THE OFFICIAL NIKKI BABIE BLOG and commented:
    Ladies, I love reading his blogs, James Michael Sama and I hope you do too…

  2. Kimberleigh Poston on July 17, 2014 at 8:51 pm

    Spot On.
    Many women these days don’t even give a man a CHANCE to pursue them because they give in so easily, or they’re the ones initiating from the start. I’m not talking about “playing games or hard to get”. But I mean give a man something to work towards! If he doesn’t think you’re worth the pursuit then let him walk. I’ve seen so many women lower their standards because they just ‘want so much to be with a man’ – (ANY MAN!). Sad thing is though, when women lower the bar they lower it for everyone.
    Personally I think everyone should raise the bar a little. Men should start expecting women to be LADIES and women should expect guys to be MEN.

  3. rlcarterrn on July 17, 2014 at 9:09 pm

    So true. I can’t agree more with every single word of this. Was just discussing this concept with a friend yesterday. It might not be fair but in life the behavior you tolerate is the behavior you will get. Both genders need to wake up & realize this so we don’t constantly end up disappointed.

    • Sara on July 17, 2014 at 9:28 pm

      So true!! I have to tell myself this more and more….. Especially in my current situation.

  4. questforahusband on July 17, 2014 at 9:46 pm

    So, I definitely love everything you said in here and I agree 100%. The problem I find is that there are too many women willing to settle which kills it for women like me. I don’t lower my standards. I am kind. I smile and thank a man for opening a door for me. I am vocal with what I would like and I am willing to give in return, however… it seems that the men that I meet are not interested in working. Because I am not throwing myself at him, I must not be interested. It is frustrating. I wish women as a whole would see their worth and stop settling.

  5. NC on July 18, 2014 at 9:16 am

    I agree with a caveat. Men have (as well they should) a line where they will believe it is no longer reasonable or acceptable to have such standards and move on to the next. If a woman’s standards are high but achievable and she is perceived to have the value to a potential suitor to warrant such requirements, its up to the man to achieve them. It is, however, incumbent on the woman to set a reasonable standard and find the man that fits. Emphasis on reasonable however as i do believe a small subset of our culture (id like to believe its small at least) set unrealistic expectations on things, for example, He must be rich and take me out weekly. He must never look at another woman, ever. He must never make a mistake. To be truly happy, IMHO, a woman must set expectations she herself achieves and accept no less than that :-). great write up as always

  6. Matt on July 18, 2014 at 12:24 pm

    Im all for striving to meet what a woman expects as I hold high standards myself. But I find a lot of them lose interest during the pursuit. Its hard for us guys to get an idea of how we are doing if you arent receptive or responsive to our advances. I can only be humorous for so long when it feels like Im talking to a brick wall, and it seems so many women I meet these days will make a decision if they are interested or not in the first two minutes of knowing you.

    • A on February 1, 2016 at 11:10 am

      Sounds like you’re only chasing women who aren’t interested in y ou

  7. Kerry on July 19, 2014 at 8:17 am

    This is precisely why I am still single after ending my abusive marriage. I think you’ve exactly hit the point. Wine expect less, men give less…. I come along and won’t lower my bar. The men decide I’m stuck up and I’m too fussy, umm I’m a country girl turned city…. I’ll give anyone whose respectful the time of day. It seems to be a vicious circle. My turn will come this I know! Here’s to raise the bar! Cheers

  8. […] other day, I came across a post by James Sama called The Simple Way To Get Men To Put In More Effort. He highlights a probable explanation of why men could be putting in less effort into building […]

  9. Richard on July 22, 2014 at 10:14 pm

    well written and insightful as always

  10. Catherine Michael on August 3, 2014 at 11:39 pm

    Did women start expecting less so men started giving less, or did men start giving less so women were forced to accept less? Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Let’s fall back on the social norm and lay the blame at women’s feet. I don’t see my female friends lowering their standards nor do they have unreasonably high standards and yet many of them are single. The men have simply stopped putting in effort. Do they feel they are entitled, that they shouldn’t have to “work” on a relationship, or maybe they think there are so many women available they don’t have to “deal with” the ones that require effort? The male friends that I have that know a relationship is a partnership and who work on their relationships are all married to great women (who also didn’t settle).

    I don’t see the decline in effort on the part of men being anything that women did or didn’t do; I would look for another answer. What about the difference in how parents raised their children 10-40 years ago when the current dating pool was young? Were there different expectations of boys than girls? I know there were in my world. I was supposed to be a “wonder woman.” I could work in any career I wanted, get any degree I wanted, being a girl wasn’t going to slow me down in this brave new world. I could have (and was expected to have) a career, a husband, children, a well kept home, a higher education, pets, and a serious hobby. (It makes me tired just thinking about trying to do all that now.) Meanwhile, I still had to make A’s (or I lost my car), behave well (or I was grounded), do chores (before I could join my friends), hold a part-time job (for my own spending money), etc. Essentially be the perfect kid. My brother on the other hand was not required to maintain any given GPA, was not required to hold a job, was given the exact car he wanted the day got his license, and had an allowance through college. He has a sense of entitlement now and begrudges any good circumstance that comes my way and states that any bad circumstance I encounter is a fault on my part; no empathy or understanding of hardships because he has never had them. Did he put effort into his relationships? Never, and the things he said about his dates to his friends were very degrading. It was only after his wife of 8 years almost walked out the door with his daughters that he changed. However, it was the fear of losing his daughters, not his wife, that made him start to work on the relationship. Bottomline: I don’t know why men seem to be less willing to put effort into relationships, I suspect there are many reasons not just one. However, once a man finds something in a relationship to fight for, they figure out pretty quickly that they need to show some effort if they want to keep that relationship.

    I think this cultural plague of indifference-to-effort stems from several trends in our society that encourage a lack of effort, less competition, and a sense of guilt for advancing beyond your peers. If everyone’s a winner regardless of effort or outcome why put in the effort?

    • Kimberleigh Poston on August 4, 2014 at 12:27 am

      Catherine:
      SO. Well. Said.

  11. francelag on August 18, 2014 at 8:54 pm

    Reblogged this on Francela Gutiérrez.

  12. OilyQueen on August 21, 2014 at 6:10 pm

    Gonna keep it simple and just say…

    YES YES YES! thanks again for saying it perfectly!!!

  13. tnhu0820 on June 25, 2015 at 1:53 am

    Reblogged this on Talia and Chidinma's Blog.

  14. Meow on April 17, 2016 at 1:14 am

    It can’t be true, that women have to put little effort, to make a man chase, because what can we chase, if it’s just a skirt? There has to be more to you than that, nothing that’s set by Gender roles, that girls expect men to follow. I think women should be more honest, be more interesting, so a man will get the idea and realize that what they’re chasing, is something worth going after.

  15. John on April 21, 2017 at 2:19 am

    It’s actually much easier than this. If you want a man to put in effort, be worth it. Men go after what they want. If he’s not chasing you, he doesn’t want you. Period. Quit overthinking everything.

  16. Philip on August 12, 2017 at 2:57 am

    ladies think back to all those times you let some stud smash your guts within hours of meeting him… now understand that (1) there are other hoes out there and (2) no man wants to put effort into a woman when another man is just 20 mins away from cumming on your face.

    • melrem on October 20, 2017 at 7:38 pm

      You need to stop watching porn and living in the sick ass fantasy world you do
      You are a disgusting piece of shit

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