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Is This Why Women Fall For Jerks?

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It’s no secret that women have historically preferred the dominant male to the “nice guy.” There are books written about it, movies made about it, and just about everyone is aware of this phenomenon. Then, why are there so few happy relationships if women are really finding what they want? Why do they continue falling for the wrong type of guy?

Often times, women mistake what they think is the confident “alpha male” (for lack of a better term), for some guy who is just a jerk. Yet, it often seems difficult to tell the two apart. In this article, we will explore some of the differences.

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Women want a man of confidence because if he wants something, he goes out and gets it. He is driven and ambitious, and doesn’t back down from challenges. He doesn’t get walked on and is often looked up to by his peers. He makes her feel safe, secure, and confident in herself.

A man of confidence embodies power. As a result, he makes the people around him feel empowered as well – this of course is an attractive quality.

It’s important to note that this type of man will never discourage you, talk down to you, make you feel badly about yourself, or just generally be unsupportive and — well, mean.

That guy, more commonly, is known as a jerk (or some other choice words). He can bear a striking resemblance to the man of confidence because, similarly, he doesn’t care what people think and does what he wants anyway.

He can be perceived as powerful because of his dominant traits, but the difference is the jerk doesn’t care who gets hurt along his journey. The reason why he doesn’t care what people think is not because he is determined, it is just because he has no consideration for other people’s feelings — including his significant other.

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But, many girls just attribute this to “how he shows his affection,” and think “he really loves me.” The reality is that anyone who really loves you will never discourage you or make you feel as though you’re not good enough to accomplish anything in the world.

Many men become confused about how to express true confidence and succumb to societal pressures that “masculinity” means being cold or not showing emotion. This can obviously cause problems and miscommunications in a relationship where being open and honest is essential to mutual happiness.

In reality, genuine confidence means one shouldn’t be affected by how others perceive them, what others think of their actions or how they live their lives. Real confidence goes out and lives a life of integrity, compassion, and honesty. A life of doing what’s right regardless of what the majority thinks. A life of helping and supporting others.

When a jerk passes himself off as a confident man, the lines between the two become blurred, and it is difficult to tell which one he really is. Could this be the problem? A misrepresentation of similar characteristics? Could the jerk really bear a close enough resemblance to the sought after persona of an “alpha male” to enjoy the benefits of actually being one?

For this reason, women can get stuck in the rut of dating the wrong types of guys from as early as middle school into high school, and therefore just assume this is what all confident men (and relationships) are like. They continue to stay in this cycle because they are never shown otherwise and/or don’t think anything else is possible.

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I have said before that if you are with someone for a few months and they suddenly “change,” they didn’t really change at all – you just finally found out who they really are.

Right about now is where the buzzer goes off, like when you get an answer wrong on Family Feud.
 It’s simple — be honest with yourself: If you feel unappreciated, undervalued, discouraged or just generally not supported in your relationship — walk away. That is not the type of man you need in your life.

Pay close attention to how the man you’re interested in treats other people. His true character will show through from how he chooses to live his life.

Having your dignity and being alone is better than being in a relationship where you have to sacrifice it. But rest assured, the gentleman is the new bad boy, and we are here to stay.

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17 Comments

  1. Richard on June 10, 2014 at 7:49 pm

    Again, right on target.

  2. Natasha on June 10, 2014 at 9:07 pm

    Great insight. I think the “Nice Guys” who have a problem getting girls are the ones with self confidence issues. I am attracted to a Nice Guy with confidence and self-respect…but not so much to the Nice Guys who let people walk all over them and think that’s just being “nice”. Respect for others is important, but self-respect is the other part of the equation that many loveless Nice Guys seem to be missing…

  3. jonathan mol on June 10, 2014 at 9:17 pm

    “Pay close attention to how the man you’re interested in treats other people. His true character will show through from how he chooses to live his life.” I really like that! 🙂 Better to even talk to the people that know me, even the ones I never met face to face 🙂 It’s none of my business what they say, but I know it will be positive.

  4. Ashley on June 10, 2014 at 9:36 pm

    Confidence, drive, and ambition are all attractive qualities to me, but dominant, I’m not sure of. There are times when I’m indecisive and wouldn’t mind if a guy I’m seeing takes charge with some things, but then there are other situations where I prefer to be the one to take charge, depending on what it is.

    Also, I am extremely drawn to guys who are gentlemanly. If he’s rude or makes a habit out of acting aloof about me as his partner, date, or my needs and desires, he’s out. The guy has to be no less into me than I am into him.

    When it comes to jerks, I think a lot of girls are attracted to the confidence and charisma of that kind of guy, and they assume that a guy who is a jerk will still be nice to her anyway, that is until they spend enough time with him to learn the truth. Girls may want to spend the night with a jerk, but she won’t want to spend her life with one.

    • Miss Bougie on June 11, 2014 at 1:24 am

      Yes, Ashley.

      James, I absolutely agree. Pertinent thoughts.

  5. blnagac on June 10, 2014 at 10:27 pm

    Right there.

  6. Patricia Meloy-Junkrioski on June 11, 2014 at 1:27 am

    During twenty-five years of teaching, I witnessed the decline of chivalry and manners among the high school students I taught. There were rare students who revealed an uncommon maturity, a caring nature, thoughtfulness and respect for others. They left me with the sense that they not only would develop into chivalrous men, but good neighbors, loving husbands, and fine citizens.

    If a student impressed me in this way, I made it a point to share my thoughts with his parents when we met early in the year on Parents’ Night. My comments always seemed to be a surprise and a great relief to them. It brought tears to their eyes. This reaction helped me understand the stresses of being a parent. In today’s culture, theirs is surely a difficult, uncertain task.

  7. theunspokentruth12 on June 11, 2014 at 8:05 am

    Reblogged this on theunspokentruth12 and commented:
    Very true.

  8. Was King Solomon a Jerk? | Rudy u Martinka on June 11, 2014 at 9:38 am

    […] Is This Why Women Fall for Jerks  HERE […]

  9. Victor on June 11, 2014 at 2:04 pm

    This is exactly on point. Thank you for posting and for reassuring gentlemen like myself are doing the right thing and that we are on the right path.

    I also want to point out that I think women stay in tees relationships because maybe they are afraid of starting over since they have so much built together even though it’s nothing to be happy about. I’ve seen a lot of women I’ve chased after get into toxic relationships (and are still in them) and they think they have it made but you can tell they are lying to themselves. Don’t settle for less than what you deserve which is happiness and being treated the right way. And when you find it, don’t screw it up!

  10. chloe9021 on June 17, 2014 at 8:52 pm

    Reblogged this on Dancing Queen and commented:
    Definitely needed to read this.

  11. thechasian on June 19, 2014 at 3:31 am

    Reblogged this on TheChasian's Blog and commented:
    I am probably a jerk in many ways, but at least I do all the things that an alpha male does. Good read.

  12. desiree bloodworth on July 7, 2014 at 9:24 pm

    men with confidence are a turn on yes. but that is not why women are attracted to jerks. jerks know how to act like nice guys. they put on a real show. act polite, make a woman feel beautiful and smart and worthwhile. at first they even pretend what she is involved in be it a career, education etc they will be supportive of. later on however, when they just want her out of their life because they’d rather go bang everything that walks, none of those things matter. including the fact they are hurting another human being out of sheer selfishness. sad part is if a woman had a surefire way of knowing the jerks were not really nice- they would’ve been with a truly nice guy.

  13. […] that they actually desire to be mistreated. For an endless amount of reasons, this is ridiculous. Men think women always fall for jerks, when in reality these types of men likely exhibit qualities of strength or dominance that could be […]

  14. Rachael on January 13, 2015 at 9:18 am

    Not disagreeing with any of this.
    However, I dated the “jerk” (seemingly confident, assertive) man for years. A few serious relationships. Not until I found my husband did I realize I had been dating those men BC I didn’t feel worthy of a better man. There many contributing factors to this that I won’t get into. But the bottom line, my now wonderful and amazing husband showed me over time that I was worthy of a man such as him. And I count my lucky stars every night.

  15. […] that they actually desire to be mistreated. For an endless amount of reasons, this is ridiculous. Men think women always fall for jerks, when in reality these types of men likely exhibit qualities of strength or dominance that could be […]

  16. 5 Ways Men Are Wrong About What Women Want - on February 8, 2015 at 6:01 pm

    […] that they actually desire to be mistreated. For an endless amount of reasons, this is ridiculous. Men think women always fall for jerks, when in reality these types of men likely exhibit qualities of strength or dominance that could be […]

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