10 Signs You Need To Break Up

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I am often approached with questions regarding how someone is acting in a relationship. I also hear and observe stories about people who are generally unhappy, and some of them are heartbreaking.

I understand any life change is difficult, especially break ups. There are circumstances involved, kids, apartments, maybe a pet, friendship with family members, it’s not just cut and dry.

But, here are 10 signs that signal you need to take some sort of action towards parting ways, in no particular order.

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There is any form of abuse.

Yes, this one should go without saying, but the reason why it needs to be said is that physical violence is not the only kind of abuse. Mental and emotional mistreatment is just as bad in its own way. Never be with someone who makes you feel inadequate. They are merely projecting their own insecurities onto you so you don’t feel worthy of better, and won’t have the confidence to leave. It will not get better.

If there is physical abuse, you need to leave at the first sign of it. Tell someone, take action. Do not wait.

They cheated.

I hold a controversial opinion here because some people think that second chances are acceptable. I, on the other hand, think that if someone discarded your feelings enough to cheat on you once, they’ll do it again. There is no excuse for it, and you deserve better.

You cheated.

We live in a world full of temptation, I understand. Beautiful women, handsome persuasive men, but that’s the thing about commitment…it requires you to actually commit to one person. If you are completely closed off to the possibility of cheating, as you should be, then nobody’s advances will even phase you.

You owe it to your partner to give them the opportunity to be with someone faithful.

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You argue more than you converse.

Are arguments getting more and more frequent in your relationship? Do you find yourself sulking around, avoiding their texts, and almost dreading going home from work? This is no way to live…no matter how much you “love” someone, if they make you miserable more than they make you happy, you need to let them go.

You find yourself making excuses for them.

Do you justify their actions to your friends or family? Even worse – are you justifying their actions to yourself? Making excuses for the way someone is consistently falling short in a relationship really means that you’re aware of the problems, but aren’t willing to admit them. The first step towards happiness is being honest with yourself – never lose that.

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You’ve changed, and not for the better.

It has been said that a sign of a healthy relationship is when the other person brings out the best version of yourself, without changing who you really are. The converse is also true, if someone’s presence in your life makes you generally irritable, short-tempered, or just generally unhappy – the only way to eliminate the problem is to cut the source of it out of your life.

They continue making the same mistakes.

A second chance means nothing if they haven’t learned from their first mistake. Someone who keeps promising to change or do things differently, but repeatedly doesn’t, is showing you a clear pattern that you need to recognize. If these are issues that are causing problems for you or your life, it may be time to walk away.

They’ve stopped trying. 

If the gestures of love and appreciation stop completely, then what have you got? A committed friendship? A life of quiet desperation leaving you with a yearning for love while still in a relationship? That’s not the way it should be, and it’s not the way it has to be.

You know you’ve found a quality partner when they keep showing you how much you mean to them…long after they’ve got you.

You have to keep working for their approval.

The minute you feel that you have to prove your worth to the person you’re with is the minute you’ll know to walk away. A man or woman should be with you because they value and appreciate who you are, not what you do or how well you sell yourself to them.

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You always feel guilty, but don’t know why.

Is your partner always making you feel as though you did something wrong, but you genuinely can’t understand why? There are people who literally seek out and find issues, and when they can’t find one – they create them. This is not the type of person who will change out of the blue and you need to get away from them.

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Be honest with yourself when it’s time to move on, and never regret ending a relationship with someone who didn’t truly value you in the first place.

It is better to be single and only accept the love you truly deserve, than to commit yourself to negative relationships along the way that will make you feel worthless or unwanted.

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13 Comments

  1. erinkcamp on January 14, 2014 at 1:48 pm

    Reblogged this on erin.k.camp.

  2. erinkcamp on January 14, 2014 at 1:54 pm

    This post hits home for me. I’ve been dealing with the same break up for the past 3 years and it hasn’t gotten any easier. I love reading your blogs because they give me hope. I’m really interested on your views regarding how to cope with a break up and how to properly move on. Thank you for your words of wisdom. Looking forward to your next post!

  3. Cassi on January 14, 2014 at 2:14 pm

    this article sounds like it was written by someone who’s never been in a real relationship. people make mistakes, no one’s perfect, no relationship is perfect. there will be ups and downs in any relationship…its just finding out whether the person you are with is WORTH going through the hard times with…

    • James Michael Sama on January 14, 2014 at 2:17 pm

      That’s an interesting perspective considering my girlfriend and I have been together for over a year.

      Can you give me some examples of why the points I list here are incorrect and you should stay with someone who mistreats you and disrespects you?

      I think that would be interesting to read.

      • LoveDoesntHurt on January 14, 2014 at 6:52 pm

        Cassi,

        I feel for you in your relationship if you think that these are just normal ups & downs. I urge you to reassess. I had to. My husband wasn’t really physically abusive, so somehow it managed to escape me for years. The screaming. The isolation from my family. The threats. His suicide attempts when I called the police on him (to avoid going to jail I realized later.) The holes in the walls. My treasured possessions broken to bits. So much more I’ve blocked out.
        It was ok, I thought. He has “anger issues from childhood. And he always apologizes. And he’s always willing to get help.” Help. He’d buy books that’d go unread. Or he’d make & cancel doctor appointments. Then he’d finally go & get a prescription, but we had to wait a couple months to see if it ‘took’. Then therapy over the phone. Then, finally, I insisted on him seeing a therapist in an office because enough was enough.
        Through all of this, he was blaming ME for the anger in him. So the only way he’d agree to the therapy was if we both went. I agreed & called to make us an appointment the next day. That’s when the realization hit home. Talking to a stranger. I explained why I wanted counseling for my husband & I and gave a few details. The person on the other end of the phone told me “because this was AN ABUSIVE SITUATION” it was best that we sought independent counseling before we came together. I was stunned. I knew what I was going through, but I’d never shared it with a soul. To hear the word ABUSE articulated & realize that really is what was happening was startling & took a lot of fortitude to deal with. A few years later, I’m still dealing with it as his anger & control plays out through the divorce & his financial responsibilities.
        To hear you try to diminish it off hand shows that you are either fortunate enough to have never been in that type of relationship (my hope for you) or that you are & haven’t truly come to terms with it and are seeking to somehow normalize the behavior going on in your world.



  4. Nina Kaytel on January 14, 2014 at 4:19 pm

    I wish I had this post a few months ago.

  5. Super Boink on January 14, 2014 at 10:04 pm

    This is oh so true! Good thing I was able to realize these things 2 years ago. Hihi. 🙂

  6. […] via 10 Signs You Need To Break Up. […]

  7. Kellie Falls on January 19, 2014 at 11:35 pm

    Mr. Sama, I’m SO glad I discovered you through a friend’s FB page. I absolutely love your posts, articles and insights. Luckily, age does actually bring some wisdom, so much of what you write about I’ve already discovered (mostly the hard way). Sadly, many people can’t see common sense until it’s pointed out to them. Since I don’t have the eloquence with words that you possess, I send many of my friends to you for this wisdom! Thank you and please keep writing. -Kellie

  8. Claudia Martinez on February 14, 2014 at 9:03 am

    You have described my mariage before my divorce. I should have read this years before. It would had saved a lot of pain.

  9. Dave L on March 1, 2014 at 4:41 pm

    Actually you forgot one.

    When they no longer touch you.

  10. Danz Social Blog on June 10, 2014 at 1:30 pm

    Reblogged this on Danz Social Blog and commented:
    Couldn’t say it better myself

  11. Deb on July 29, 2014 at 3:11 pm

    I’m at a point in my relationship where I’m not sure what to do…my “husband” (common-law because he has never been interested in marriage) and I have not been intimate in a long time. He believes that you can have sex without intimacy but that just doesn’t work for me.
    We have two children aged 11 & 9. We get along fairly well for the most part but there is no love & intimacy. He sleeps on the couch every night and has for the last couple of years at least. I have tried various tactics to get him to come to bed but he always uses some excuse or another not to come to bed. He also has no control over his anger…he goes from fine to yelling in a matter of seconds. I feel like I am constantly criticizing him about the way he talks to us & how he deals with things; I really just want him to calm down and talk to me and our kids like we deserve. All that said though he is a good father…he takes the kids to activities & school. He was the stay at home parent for a number of years and now only works part time while the kids are at school. He is not physically abusive but occasionally when he gets really angry he will call me a ‘bitch’ and he sticks his finger in my face while yelling at me. This is not really anything new, we had many heated arguments when I was pregnant with out first child. He rarely apologizes for his behaviour; he seems to have a lot of problem saying ‘sorry’…I normally have to ask for an apology which is not right.
    I don’t want to end this relationship…there was some love there once & I think it may still be there hidden behind frustrations & lack of communication. He really is a good man but he does not want to change anything about himself, I on the other hand am constantly changing, trying to improve myself and trying new things. I believe we both owe it to our children and ourselves to try and improve our relationship but I am not sure how to do it.
    It should be noted that I am a very strong willed woman…I do not back down and I do not let anyone push me around. I always stand my ground with him and I normally will bring up these issues (to discuss) when everyone has calmed down.
    Any advice?

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