10 Ways To Spot A Player

I’ve been floating around to different blogs tagged with ‘dating’ and ‘relationships’ to see what’s going on in the world. Unfortunately, I’ve seen a lot of hurt and disappointment that could’ve been avoided, had warning signs been recognized.

Too many women get used and hurt by men who are playing with their feelings in order to get what they want, but in reality actually have no intention of commitment or building a relationship together. Do some women do this too? Sure, but in a more “traditional” sense, men are more notorious for saying all the right things they don’t really mean in order to get what they want – so that’s who we’ll focus on here.

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A player makes generalized statements in your direction rather than talking about you.

In other words, could his compliments be copy and pasted into his texts to another girl, or is he talking about something specific to you? Unfortunately, in today’s society, there needs to be a conversation about commitment had before it can be assumed that either partner is actually committed and not talking to anyone else.

If a man is vague in his discussion and doesn’t dive into what makes you tick, what your passions are, and what you want out of life, you have to honestly ask yourself how interested he truly is.

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A player tells you things like you’re “too beautiful/hot/sexy/smoldering/intoxicating/etc.” to be single.

This overused ‘compliment’ not only undermines your personality by suggesting the only reason you’d be with someone is because of your looks – but it also shows you that’s what he’s clearly focusing on.

When looking to build a relationship with someone, it goes without saying that their valuing your substance and you as a person is essential to making it work. If every conversation is about physicality, you know where his attention is focused.

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A player spends more time talking about himself than trying to get to know you.

A player is usually insecure and tries to show himself they can get the girl – so learning about you is secondary. To them, the dating “game” is just that – a game they can play in order to win…that’s why they’re called players.

A man who is truly interested in you will take the time to converse with you and relate to you during your discussions, not keep all of the attention on himself to convince you how great he is.

player4

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A player passively invites you places.

This is to say, his attempts to spend time with you are weak, at best. Not only might he always be “too busy” or delay getting together (probably because he’s with another woman), but if his only invitation to you is a Friday night text asking if you want to get a drink, he may have had plans fall through and isn’t showing you the proper amount of effort to actually plan a night around you and your interests.

You deserve better than being a backup plan.

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A player gets upset if you won’t spend the night.

Don’t get me wrong – no single man will turn down physical advances from a woman he is attracted to, but if he is truly interested in building a relationship, that certainly won’t be his only focus.

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A player remembers nothing about your conversations.

Some guys, myself included, have less-than-perfect memories. It’s not that we don’t listen, it’s just that sometimes we genuinely can’t remember smaller details about things.

That being said, though, if we are with a woman we truly care about, we will put in the energy and effort to keep track of things. Small things like asking how your grandmother’s cold is, or not your first date – but the date you met. If you feel like the man you’re talking to could just insert any other woman’s name into the things he says to you and your topics of conversation, you’re probably being played.

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Unless he’s trying to see you, a player never talks to you.

This one is a big red flag. Is he talkative, romantic and friendly as the weekend is approaching or when he’s asking you to spend time together, but seems distant and much less eager to respond to texts any other time?

Sure, he might be busy with work, but this is 2014, people are constantly attached to their phones and he will find time to text you back if he really wants to.

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A player still goes to the same places he was going before he met you.

No, I am not saying that a man should squander his social life when he starts dating someone. In fact, I think it’s just the opposite. When two people come together, they should enhance each others’ lives. Groups of friends join together, new connections are formed, and experiences are enhanced.

But, certain habits do stop. Habits such as going to clubs multiple times a week with all of his single friends, or whatever the case might be depending on his personality.

The bottom line is – if he’s still going to the same places he went to meet women before he met you, it’s a red flag.

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A player talks one way, and acts another.

A man (or anyone) can talk a certain way, and then act another way. Words are nice, but they are always drowned out by actions. Early on in a relationship, watch what someone does more than what they say. Words can be dishonest, but actions can’t.

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A player avoids PDA like the plague.

It goes without saying that some people aren’t comfortable with public displays of affection, this is totally natural. But one thing to pay attention to is whether or not it looks like he’s trying to still appear single even when he’s with you. Does he want people to think you’re his sister? His cousin? Does he want the cute waitress to think he’s just out to dinner with a work colleague?

If he is proud to be with you, which he should be, you will know it. If he’s not, you’ll always be wondering if he is.

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The real key here is to be honest with yourself. A woman’s intuition is a powerful force and yet so many choose to ignore it. Don’t let yourself get played because you refused to see the signs you know you saw.

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13 thoughts on “10 Ways To Spot A Player

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  2. So then what? Drop him immediately so he can’t talk his way out of it or tell him why your dropping him? By the way, I love your articles!

  3. Man I totally almost fell for one of those guys! Good thing I listened to myself and broke it off. I was totally his plan B and I am worth more than that. Thank you for writing this post. So many women need to see this.

  4. Pingback: 10 Ways to Spot a Player (Sama) | misadventureswithfrogs

  5. Hey…I know you might never read this but if you ever come across this just know you are an amazing human and how I wish I get some one like you..I am 19 and well I feel stupid cos I dont date anyone because they just want to have sex and no commitment and I just dont wanna do that… I just try to save myself for right guy who would like me for my soul.. i am a nice person but some times I feel I will never find my mr.right and just wanna date some random dude…I haven’t done that though but I feel like I would…can you advice me how to just stop myself from going to random ass holes? Thank you and great work btw :) take care.

    • It takes time. To me dating is a numbers game. you have to date a lot to find the one you want to be with. Its hard, frustrating, fun, boring, confusing and on and on and on…Good Luck! I hear its worth it when you find love!

    • Just think about how simple and drama free your life is right now. Why would you bring in an asshole who will bring drama and emotional bs to your life?

      Also, stop looking. It always happens when you least expect it and just focus on you. I know it sounda cliche, but it’s absolutely true.

      Life shouldn’t revolve around being in a relationship.

  6. Pingback: 8 Signs He’s The Real Deal | James Michael Sama

  7. Ha, I dated someone like this. I friend zoned him when I started to see such behavior because it didn’t sit right with me.

    Never really considered it “player” status, just the usual young 20 something that had no idea what he really wanted and was wasting my time with half assed efforts. This article surprised me with that revelation.

    Recently, I had a guy contact me out of the blue after 2 years, and we barely knew each other as it was. Cue the lazy, sporadic texting, “wanna hang out?” line, and rarely hearing from him except when he’s bored. It irritates me that he seems to think this is the appropriate way to show interest.

    It also amazes me that I’ve had several pieces of advice given where I should just “give it a try” despite my lack of interest. Have you addressed this gross trend where people encourage women to date men who pull this bs because it’s like we HAVE to consider giving it a shot… despite our lack of interest and no matter how lazy his advances are.

    And also given that this guy is doing what he’s doing, as was the aforementioned guy, is it truly player status, or just the laziness our society and other women allow?

    Also, what’s your opinion of guys who appear out of the blue like that?

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