A Good Husband’s Vows: 12 Promises for an Unbreakable Marriage

We’re all used to the traditional marriage vows we’ve heard a million times: “In sickness and in health,” “For richer or poorer,” “‘Til death do us part.” While integral pieces of the matrimonial foundation, I believe there are far more nuanced and often unspoken promises that spouses make to each other.

Marriage is not the only checkpoint to cross in order for these promises to be valid, though, any serious, monogamous, and potentially lifelong relationship should be approached with similar virtue and magnitude.

Inevitably when writing articles like this, comments will flood in making sure that I know “this goes both ways.” I’ll save you the energy from now: We all know that effort and dedication in relationships must be mutual in order for the union to succeed…

I, though, am a man, which means I write from the male perspective and only speak of what I, myself, can exemplify.

For that reason, then, let’s discuss some of the promises that a proper husband who lives with honor and integrity should make to his wife (yes, that includes me).

1: “I am fully and unquestionably ready to make this commitment.”

I am as progressive as they come. I think every individual human on the planet should be able to do whatever the hell they want with whomever the hell they want and enjoy every second of it, as long as it’s not hurting anyone or themselves.

I do, however, hold the traditional and “old school” view that marriage is…well…forever. Barring, of course, infidelity, or abuse, or irreconcilable differences that lead to perpetual misery. Nobody should stay in an unhappy relationship for the sake of honoring a vow that doesn’t serve the greater good.

For that reason, it is one of the most important and serious decisions a person can ever make.

And, for that reason, we need to be completely certain that we are ready to accept such a responsibility. Marriage is about dedicating your entire life to one single person on an intimate and emotional level. It’s about giving yourself fully to them, and accepting them just as completely.

It’s about knowing, for sure, that this is the person you want to choose…not just today, but every single day for the rest of your life.

If that sounds daunting, or concerns you, or makes you question the path you are on…perhaps this is not a promise that you’re certain about making just yet.

Don’t take that step until you know for sure.

2: “You (and this relationship) will always be a priority to me.”

This may sound obvious, but only if you’ve not yet had to consciously prioritize a relationship amidst the madness of life itself.

If you have, you know that it takes consistent, regular, daily, frequent, and intentional effort.

Life gets busy with our careers, businesses, families, kids, social groups, hobbies, chores, bills…and sometimes, the person who’s beside you during all of it is just…well, there.

They’re there when you wake up, when you come home, when you go to bed.

That, in itself, is the security of marriage. You know they are dedicated to you, as you are to them.

However, the challenge arises when you start just tacitly expecting them to always be there. “Of course they will!” you think. They’re my spouse, and I am theirs.

Yes…but they are still a living and breathing human being with emotions, wants, needs, and desires.

They want your attention, your affection, your time (your dedicated and undivided time).

I think that some people enter into a marriage and think: “Great, we’re all set now! Time to sit back and enjoy life.”

In reality, the real effort begins when you make a commitment on this level. You must nurture and cultivate the relationship. You must stoke the fire to keep it burning.

You must always make time for your partner, always show them you’re grateful for them, always continue being romantic, caring, kind, and attentive.

“James, that sounds like a lot of work…”

That’s the point. If you’re not ready to put in that level of work for the rest of your life, don’t enter the union of marriage.

3: “My happiness is directly tied to yours.”

Part of entering into a deep and trusted relationship, particularly a lifelong one, is intertwining not just your lives…but your emotions.

Love is about empathy, and feeling what the other person is feeling. You share their pain to help ease it, and you lend them your strength when they need it.

They, of course, do the same for you.

Making this promise to your spouse provides the comfort and security that they are no longer alone on this journey of life, even if that’s what they’ve been used to up until this point.

Love isn’t about solving someone’s problems for them, but it is about promising they don’t have to face them alone.

4: “I fully accept you.”

Listen, I know that you’re ultra picky…and, you should be (in a lot of ways). We’ve already established that choosing a life mate is, perhaps, the most important decision you’ll ever make, so it really needs to be right.

I think, though, that a lot of people stretch the line a little thin here and think they need to find someone they love absolutely everything about.

Spoiler alert: That’s not really realistic.

It surprises people when I say this, they start asking if I’m suggesting they should lower their standards or compromise their expectations…

No!

What you should do, though, is leave room for being human.

Humans are nuanced, we are flawed, we have quirks, insecurities, imperfections. These are often the very things that make someone beautiful, even if they don’t feel it themselves.

And, they are the very things we must accept and embrace about our partner. Not just tolerate, but embrace. There is a difference.

Marrying someone is a pledge to fully see and recognize them as they are, and love them just the same (maybe even more) because of it.

5: “I love to see you thrive and grow.”

Only a truly confident and secure man is capable of genuinely wanting to see the woman in his life grow and flourish.

Insecure men who are uncertain of themselves will be nervous that she will, someday, outgrow him and move on.

Life itself, though, is about growth. It’s about progress. Gaining new knowledge, having new experiences, evolving in our worldviews and perspectives as we continue down our path of self-discovery.

Pledging your life to someone in marriage is, also, making the promise that you’ll hold space for them to grow into and never stifle or discourage that process.

A driven and ambitious woman simply will not tolerate being held back by a man who cannot (or will not) match her strength. But, if that’s the case, she probably wouldn’t be marrying you in the first place.

6: “I take my own growth seriously, too.”

Yes, she is growing, and learning, and developing…but what will come of a relationship where only one partner is doing this?

The answer is simple: The distance between you grows larger and larger.

How can it not? One person is moving forward while another is standing still.

The journey of personal growth is one I believe everyone should be taking regardless of their relationship status. To learn about yourself, to gain new skills and knowledge, to discover what you are truly capable of…

If, though, you choose to remain stagnant and let time pass you by, that is your own choice when you’re single and unattached.

When you enter a relationship, though, there are others around you that begin relying on you. They look to you for partnership, strength, leadership, support. They’re counting on you…

And, more than that, they want to see you happy and thriving because they care about you. You have a responsibility, not just to yourself anymore, but also to those whom you’ve chosen to love and who love you in return.

7: “I will keep the passion alive.”

We all know that marriage means being with one person for the rest of your life…you know…”being with” one person (wink, wink…)

This is a big commitment.

It requires intentional and mutual effort to stoke the flames of passion.

Just like any fire that you light, it must be tended to if you want it to keep burning. If you leave it for too long, it will inevitably burn out, the same goes for the romance and intimacy in your relationship.

The longer you are together, the more emotional the connection becomes. Even the best sex, if repeated enough times, feels more routine as the years go by. It’s the emotional spark and connection, the deeper intimacy that pulls you towards each other.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again:

Romance shouldn’t phase after the “honeymoon phase” of a relationship. It should grow over time, as you become a more important part of each other’s lives.

Marriage isn’t the death of romance, but the birth of its new existence as a fully committed couple.

8: “I will work WITH you to solve our problems.”

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but no relationship is completely free of challenges. Even the happiest and healthiest couples on the planet will tell you that they’ve disagreed, had arguments, misunderstandings, and sometimes still don’t understand each other after decades together.

That, however, is the essence of conscious commitment.

You are choosing to work through life alongside of this person. That means facing your problems and challenges together, as a team.

It means remembering that it should be you and your partner against the problem, not you and your partner against each other.

9: “I will be loyal to you for the rest of our lives.”

Trust. Trust is the absolute cornerstone of any healthy relationship. Without it, everything else falls apart.

Trust, while obviously required to be mutual, is something that both partners need to prove to each other over the course of their lives. It is not something that is given once, and then simply assumed.

It must be earned, and then maintained.

No partner in a relationship, and especially in a marriage, should ever need to question each other’s loyalty or commitment. The monogamous nature in marriage is simple: You are choosing one person to spend the rest of your life with, one person to be intimate with, one person to share certain thoughts, feelings, words, emotions, and actions with…

Perhaps the most basic (but important) promise a husband can make to his wife is that of loyalty. The very point of marriage itself is this singular commitment, and there is no excuse to betray it.

Loyalty, however, goes beyond monogamous promises. It is tested in trying times that may be health related, or financial, or through tragedy, loss, failure…

Loyalty is what keeps us by someone’s side through the good and the bad, through “sickness and in health,” through “richer or poorer.”

These statements are the ones we prove through our actions. Through not just standing by someone’s side on the sunny days, but holding the umbrella over their head during the rainy days.

10: “I will do the best that I can for you every day.”

Listen, nobody is at their best every day. We get sick, we get tired, we get burned out, frustrated, discouraged. We lose sleep when the baby is crying. We lose sleep when shareholders are upset with us. We lose sleep when our staff is missing the mark.

We cannot pledge to be our best every day…this sets unrealistic and unattainable expectations.

What we can pledge, though, is to do the best we can with what we have each day. To be honest, and transparent, and truthful with our partner about what we are capable of giving to them in that moment, and then give it to them.

A loving and caring partner is going to understand the ups and downs of life as they face them as well (and in those moments, you must be the understanding and empathetic one).

We can’t always shine at our brightest, but part of marriage is knowing that in our dimmer days, we are still loved just the same.

It’s knowing that the loyalty we pledged in point #9 is returned right back to us.

11: “I will prioritize MY OWN health.”

Some people feel that self sacrifice is a form of showing love.

“If I just give enough of myself to people, they’ll know that I care. The more I give, the more they’ll understand.”

The problem here is that we often forget to set limits on just how much of ourselves we give.

Inevitably, we reach a point where we’re trying to pour water out of an empty cup. Be it mentally, physically, or emotionally…you cannot give what you don’t have.

Maintaining your own health is not selfish, it is necessary.

It’s necessary to maintain a strong and stable connection both with your spouse, and yourself.

It’s necessary to maintain a positive self-image.

It’s necessary to build confidence.

It’s necessary to stay energetic.

It’s necessary to live for as long as possible alongside the people who love you.

“Letting yourself go” or sacrificing your own well-being for the sake of a relationship is not a form of love. The people who truly care about you want to see you thriving and happy.

Still not convinced?

If you burn yourself out, you won’t be able to show up for anyone until you’ve recovered and regenerated. Caring for yourself empowers you to care for others better, as well.

12: “I will never lose sight of my own identity.”

A lot of men do more than just sacrifice their health in a relationship; they sacrifice who they are as a person.

They give up their hobbies, their passions, their ambitions.

They “settle in” to the life they think they should now be living.

Here’s the thing, though: Those hobbies and passions are some of the very things that drew your wife to you in the first place.

They’re the things that made you the man that you are (or…were?)

They’re the things that gave you energy, confidence, and set your soul on fire.

A healthy and happy relationship is about two complete people who come together and bring their strengths to the table. They work together to create harmony. They build the life they both want as a team and partnership, this is what makes it all work in the long run.

If one partner sacrifices their ability to do so, or becomes resentful from giving up the things they loved, it’s going to begin eating away at the foundation of the relationship like termites.

Both of you need to remember who you are, nourish your identities, encourage each other to stay true to yourselves, your values, and your beliefs.

When you both feel that deep connection to yourselves, it’s much easier to keep the one with each other strong, as well.

“You complete me” sounds cute and romantic, but it’s not realistic.

Healthy relationships aren’t about two people who complete each other, they’re formed by two full people who love each other completely.

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