Your Relationship Should Meet These 15 Needs

There is a big difference between “wants” and “needs” that often go overlooked when determining what is best for us in a relationship.

A ‘want’ is something that, well…we want. There is, however, a deeper and more fundamental need that we are seeking to have filled by that “want.”

In other words: The want is the vehicle, but the need is the destination. The want brings you there, but the need is where you’re really going.

While it is true that all of us have our own unique wants, needs, desires…and even fantasies in our relationships, I believe that there are some universal expectations we, as humans, seek to have met by the person we choose to give ourselves to.

In this article, we’ll discuss some of those needs, what they really mean, and why they are essential to your happiness.

1: The need for mutual respect.

Mutual respect is a non-negotiable aspect of any healthy relationship, and cannot be one-sided or shaky. It must be something present at all times that serves as a cornerstone of two people’s connection to each other.

Heavy emphasis on mutual here, because if you don’t feel respected by your partner, you’ll never feel fully loved or accepted by them. Conversely, if you don’t feel respect for your partner, you’ll never be able to see them as a true equal, and therefore can never build a thriving life alongside them.

Respect, like anything else of this importance, is shown through behaviors and actions. It’s shown through valuing each other’s opinions, viewpoints, beliefs, and boundaries. It’s shown through listening to them and seeking to understand. It’s shown through considering their feelings in your decision making.

Anything less is simply unacceptable.

2: The need to feel safe.

These are being presented in no particular order, but I believe the need for safety is one of the first that must exist.

Safety in the context of a relationship is not just physical…though of course that is paramount.

Safety in a relationship is also about mental and emotional safety. The knowledge that you are capable of opening up to your partner, revealing your most intimate and otherwise hidden selves to them, and not be judged for it.

Feeling safe is about feeling cared for. Knowing that the person you’re with is trustworthy and kind. Feeling “held” by them emotionally. Not having the urge to walk (or run) away from them.

When you feel safe with someone, it feels like you’re home when you’re with them, no matter where you are.

3: The need for passion.

Feeling safe does not mean feeling a lack of passion…just the opposite, actually.

Passion is a result of feeling safe. When you can fully trust and “fall in” to another person emotionally, it opens up the opportunity to reveal parts of yourself to them that you wouldn’t for anyone else.

Not just physically, but the inner-most thoughts and desires you keep private. You feel a permission to open up to them and communicate what you truly desire, as they will feel with you in return.

When this connection is enabled, the passion in your relationship grows far deeper than what only a physical attraction allows.

Why is this a “need,” you may ask?

If you’ve ever been in a relationship where there was a physical or emotional disconnect that put up a wall between you and your partner, you’ll understand why it’s a need and not just a want.

When passion is absent, when that true connection that pulls you together is absent…you are merely roommates or friends coexisting alongside each other. Passion is required for true intimacy to grow.

Keep in mind that passion is not just about sex, but the enthusiasm that you both share for each other, and for life itself. It shines through in the way you approach both your relationship and the world outside of it.

4: The need for full acceptance.

Being fully accepted by (and fully accepting) your partner is the ingredient in a relationship that reinforces the right decision is being made.

You’ve been with people before who loved parts about you…but maybe criticized others…

Tried to get you to change…

Tried to force you to change…

Made snarky remarks about your insecurities…

Or, perhaps, you were with someone who had habits, beliefs, values, or worldviews that you simply could not accept or get past.

Inevitably, this level of incompatibility pulls two people apart.

It is an absolute need, then, for you to feel fully accepted and embraced by your partner, while you feel an equally complete level of acceptance for them, as well.

Notice that I didn’t say “like.” It’s natural that there will be some things about your partner that you just might not like…quirks they have, or tendencies different than yours, or their own unique ways of doing things that you can’t understand…

This, though, is part of dating a nuanced and unique human being. There are bound to be things about you that they may not fully vibe with, either.

I think this is where a lot of people get stuck, because they think they need to absolutely adore every tiny little single thing about their partner, but I don’t think that’s fully realistic.

What they do need, though, is to fully accept all of these things and understand that they’re all part of what makes a human who they are.

Conversely, you must also feel this full level of acceptance in return, otherwise there’ll be a sense of unease or uncertainty about whether or not they’re fully invested in you, or in the relationship itself.

When you ARE fully accepted though, you can show up as your fullest and most authentic self at all times, which is precisely what is necessary to form a true and genuine bond with another person.

5: The need for stability.

Stability is rooted in consistency. It is a result of a partner who shows up for you every single day as the person they’ve pledged to you that they are.

It is a necessity in a relationship because you cannot build a strong house on shaky ground. If a foundation is constructed on an uneven surface, it cannot be trusted to hold a structure together during storms or difficult times.

Stability is one of those feelings that must grow and develop over time (like many of the others discussed here), which means it requires patience and mutual effort in order to build and then to maintain.

6: The need for emotional intimacy.

“James, you already talked about passion…”

Ah, emotional intimacy is a different animal than passion is.

Emotional intimacy is a result of full transparency between two people that forms a bond between them that they’ll never share with another person.

This is the lifeblood of commitment, dedication, sex, happiness, trust, respect, and many of the other needs we’re discussing in this article.

It is formed through communication, revealing of secrets, discussing of desires, and the opening of our emotional doors to let our partner in.

Emotional intimacy is the DNA of love itself.

7: The need to feel truly appreciated.

Not just appreciated for what you do (though, that is important…) but I’m talking about being appreciated for who you are.

Valued for being you.

The qualities that you possess, the effort you put into your relationships, the resilience and strength you display, the kindness and compassion you approach the world with…

You deserve to be with someone who recognizes and appreciates all of these things about you.

One of my private clients is struggling with the decision of whether or not she should stay with her current partner, who’s been “on and off” with her for months.

A primary issue in the relationship is that she emotionally invests far more than he does. She’s ready for more than he is. She gives herself to their future at a higher level than he is.

She just does not feel appreciated at the level that she deserves to.

That, I don’t believe, is a feeling that any of us should live with when it comes to love, or at least what love is supposed to look like.

The right person will appreciate all of the things about you that the wrong people took for granted.

8: The need to feel proud, and to be felt proud of.

You deserve to have someone who is proud to be with you. Proud of your accomplishments. Proud that they have someone who they love so many things about and who’s chosen them in return.

I believe this is a need because we all want to know the person we’re with is glad that they’ve chosen us. We need to feel like what we do and who we are is recognized, or even bragged about a little bit now and then.

Conversely, we must be proud of the person we’ve chosen to be with. Not just proud of what they accomplish (though that is important), but proud that they are “ours” and that we are “theirs.”

9: The need to feel taken care of.

I know, I know…you don’t need anyone to “take care of you,” but the uncensored truth is that we are all human, and at one point or another in this life, we will want or even need someone to step up for us.

It may be a physical ailment, or a mental one.

It may be an injury.

It may be a trauma, or a loss in our family, or an accident…

It may just (if we’re lucky) simply be old age.

And…it may not be today.

When the day comes, though, we must know that the person we’ve chosen is willing and able to care for us in our time(s) of need.

This, I believe, is an overlooked but immensely important aspect of choosing a life partner. The key word being “life,” and all of the realities that entails in its permanence.

It won’t always be sunshine and rainbows, so the question will become whether the person you’re choosing is capable of holding the umbrella over you during the stormy days.

10: The need to be inspired.

What is it that keeps two people growing and thriving together over the course of decades?

It’s certainly not when one (or both) of them live a mundane and stagnant life, void of growth or evolution.

Now, listen, I’m not shaming people who are content and happy with the way their life currently is. In fact, fully loving the life that you already are living is the goal for all of us, isn’t it?

Getting there, though, looks different for everyone. A universal truth, though, is that dedication, consistency, commitment are all things that truly bring progress.

I believe that the right partner is going to inspire you to do more, and become more, every single day…simply by being in your life.

(Of course, they should feel the same about you).

11: The need to feel included.

Entering into a relationship is about putting “we” before “me.”

The last point coming up is about your individual identity, but the reality of a relationship is that it combines two people’s lives together into one. You begin to share schedules, hobbies, eating habits, bedtimes, traveling schedules, and daily chores.

What’s also often shared is social circles, friend groups, work events, and of course, family gatherings.

On the surface, this point may almost seem silly. “Who wouldn’t be included in those things?” you may ask…

The truth is, though, that some people get into a relationship before they are truly ready, or while they’re still working through a breakup, or when they’re not fully certain if this the person they want to spend their life with.

As a result, they maintain a distance, or keep boundaries in place, that prevent the two lives from being fully intertwined.

Of course, one partner will then feel left out or excluded.

Excluded from social activities, from meeting or getting to know friends…or even families.

Getting into a relationship means intertwining your life with another person’s and making them feel included in all of the things (and with all of the people) that are important to you.

If you’re not ready to do that, stay single until you are.

12: The need for peace.

We talked about passion, but equally as important (maybe even more…) is peace.

Peace is the feeling of solace when you’re next to your partner on the couch at night.

Peace is the glass of wine by the fire in total silence.

Peace is the side-by-side rocking chairs on the porch.

Peace is the calm comfort that exists when no words are necessary.

Peace becomes more important as the years go on, when life gets calmer and slows down, and the time you spend together is more, well, peaceful.

You may not prioritize this right now, but if you intend on spending the rest of your life with someone, it is something that must be envisioned for the future.

13: The need for support.

You come home from a long day at the office, and you’ve got many exciting things brewing. You cannot wait to tell your partner…

Their response: “Oh, cool.”

Or even worse: “Are you sure that’s a good idea?”

“You already have so much going on…”

“There is too much competition…”

A partner who fails to support you or even who takes the wind out of your sails to help you “play it safe” can easily discourage you and destroy any energy or momentum you may have.

A great partner is going to be your biggest cheerleader along the journey of life. They’ll celebrate with you during the victories, and comfort you during the defeats. They’ll recognize all of your strengths and love watching you capitalize on them.

We need to feel supported by our partner because it shows us that they’re in our corner, which is exactly where a teammate should be.

14: The need to feel CHOSEN.

Monogamy is a choice. In fact, I believe it’s one of the most important (if not THE most) choices that a person can ever make.

The partner we choose to spend the rest of our lives with is going to be by our side for thousands of meals, waking up on thousands of mornings, going to bed during thousands of nights…

Every single one of those mornings, we make a conscious decision to stay with that person we’re waking up next to.

Sometimes, though, we’ve woken up next to them so many times that it sort of becomes a given…it’s almost (ALMOST) something that can feel “regular,” and on the receiving end, that translates to feeling taken for granted.

No partner in a relationship should ever feel taken for granted. They should feel valued, cherished, and appreciated.

They should feel chosen every single day, because they are.

Just the act of “being” chosen isn’t enough, though. We must put in real consistent effort to make sure the person we’re with knows that we are staying with them for the one reason that matters the most:

Because we want to.

15: The need to feel free to be yourself.

All of the things you love, the passions you have, the ambitions you’re pursuing: Those are the things that make you…well, you.

There are people out there who are going to try to “water you down,” or “dilute” your personality to make themselves more comfortable, or to mold you into what (or who) they want you to be.

These are not your people.

Your people are the ones who love to see you shine. The ones who encourage you to chase after everything that lights your soul on fire because your energy inspires them to do more themselves.

More than your people, your person should want you to explore and to enhance every amazing quality about you that you’re aware of, and those that you’re yet to discover.

They will want you to grow, evolve, flourish, and glow at your brightest.

They’ll want you to do the things you love (as long as, ahem, they don’t negatively impact the relationship), and to grow into the person you’ve chosen to become.

The right person will never try to dim your shine, but support your journey to live at your brightest, just as they do alongside of you.

Together, then, you can light up the world.

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