12 Things You Deserve in Your Relationship

How deeply do you believe that you truly deserve the love, intimacy, and treatment that you desire in a relationship?

It’s one thing to want it, but it’s a whole other to really believe that you deserve it.

The challenge lies in that no amount of wanting will replace the knowledge of deserving. Only when you understand what you deserve, will you change your actions and raise your standards in order to begin receiving it.

Many times, it’s hard for people to even define this level of treatment in their minds, so it remains hidden in a nebulous cloud of ideas. This, then, is our chance to define some of the things that you deserve from your partner in an intimate relationship. Feel free to add yours in the comments.

1: You deserve consistency.

Nothing truly solid can be built without consistency, this is a foundational piece of the puzzle.

If the person you’re dating is off and on, hot and cold, or disappears for days or weeks at a time without seeing or communicating with you, it’ll be very hard to commit your full self to the idea of building a life with them.

How can you? You’re never really sure if they’ll be around or not the next day, so you’ll always hesitate just enough to prevent a real connection from forming.

Or, you’ll dive in head first anyway, and run a high risk of being disappointed when their inconsistency becomes more severe.

You deserve to be with someone whose words, actions, and feelings consistently align. They’re there when they say they’ll be. You make regular plans and stick with them. They work to earn your trust over time, as you do for theirs.

Consistency isn’t just important in the first days, weeks, or months of dating…it’s something that must be intertwined with their very identity, because it’ll empower you to build a life together.

2: You deserve open and honest communication.

Simply put, there is no other way to build a real connection with another person. Open and honest communication is what will show you who this person really is, allow you to show them who you really are, and help you build trust together.

You’ll be able to express your wants, needs, and desires…but also your fears, insecurities, and dislikes. Understanding everything you possibly can about each other is the best way to determine if you are actually compatible.

No matter how compatible you are, though, you’re going to evolve through multiple phases of life together. Perhaps you’ll get married. Maybe you’ll have kids. You might travel. One of you may get laid off, or fired, or face an illness, or lose a family member…

As a couple, every major life event and transition will require you to move through it together. To develop a strategy. To determine the best next steps that bring you both where you want to go.

This is only achieved through the use of communication and collaboration.

3: You deserve respect.

Respect flows through every layer of a relationship like blood through a muscle.

When your partner respects you:

They move at your pace and honor your boundaries.

They listen to and consider your opinions when making decisions.

They take care to eliminate actions that might offend you.

They prioritize your feelings and happiness as much as their own.

They see you as an equal teammate and a partner on the road of life.

They never consider infidelity, nor any form of abuse…ever.

They also respect themselves, and communicate to you when they want or need something.

4: You deserve to be fully accepted.

Let’s be honest: You have flaws. It’s okay, we all do, even when we don’t want to admit it.

Our flaws, though, give us character. They’re what sets us apart from everyone else. They are, sometimes, even the things that make someone fall for us in the first place.

Another thing we all also have, is a past. Some are smoother and clearer than others, of course.

There may be things from your past that you’re not proud of, or perhaps that are still with you today.

The right person, though, will fully embrace and accept all of you for who you really are.

Don’t get me wrong, they’re not obligated to like all of it, just like you might not. There are certainly things from our pasts that we’re not proud of, or even that we might regret. But, it remains part of us just the same.

Being fully loved is about being fully accepted for all of those pieces, the good and the…well, not great.

5: You deserve to be prioritized.

I understand that people’s lives are busy. We have careers, and businesses, and chores, and shareholders, and employees, and obligations, and bills, and kids…

But, I’ve always believed that if you’re going to consciously enter into a consenting adult relationship with another human being, you are making a pledge to raise them up on your list of priorities, as well.

Your feelings should be prioritized, your happiness should be prioritized, your time should be prioritized.

If you can’t trust someone to prioritize you in the beginning stages of a relationship, what makes you think they’ll start doing it down the road?

6: You deserve (mutual) trust.

Mutual trust, meaning: You both can fully trust each other.

Without trust, I don’t believe that real and full love can truly exist. If you’re always feeling skeptical of someone’s actions and intentions, how can you give your heart and soul to them without compromise?

How could you feel secure if they’re out with friends, or texting a colleague, or traveling for work?

There would always be something in the back of your mind about who they “really are” beneath the surface, which would be a breeding ground for suspicion that may have no basis in reality.

Of course, if someone betrays your trust or gives you reason to question them, that’s a whole other conversation.

Conversely, it’s important that you work to earn their trust and maintain it over time, as well.

7: You deserve to FEEL loved.

The caveat here is feel. We all feel and communicate love in different ways, and it’s important that the person you’re with puts in effort to make sure they’re expressing their love in ways that you fully receive.

For example, if your love language is physical touch but theirs is words of affirmation…they can tell you how they feel until they’re blue in the face, but you won’t be hearing it (literally).

You’ll just be wondering why they’re not giving you the physical touch that you need, and there’ll be a disconnect between what they’re giving and what you’re getting.

8: You deserve support.

Support comes in all shapes and sizes within a relationship. You may need support when you’re sick, or if a family member is. You may need it if you’re feeling depressed or challenged. You may also need it if you’re pursuing a new degree, or career, or opening a new business.

The right partner should always be supportive and encouraging…never leaving you feeling alone or abandoned.

9: You deserve passion.

We all want to feel desired by our partner. Being truly desired goes beyond just wanted in the bedroom…it’s about what happens outside of the bedroom.

Passion towards you is about someone craving your presence in their life. It’s about appreciating every bit of who you are and feeling a deep sense of gratitude for your presence in their life.

That type of recognition leads to a far deeper bond, connection, and intimacy that lust ever will.

Passion is shown in all of your interactions together, both the exciting and the mundane. It’s in how you hold hands, how you cuddle at night, how you travel together, how you look at each other across the room…passion is just as emotional as it is physical.

10: You deserve peace.

Peace is just as important (if not more) than passion. Peace is felt in those quiet moments when it’s just the two of you. In the moments between the madness of life. The Sunday mornings in bed, the Friday evenings together on the couch…hell, even the occasional trip to the grocery store when you’re holding hands in the car.

If you can’t exist peacefully with the person you’re committing yourself to, everything will always feel hectic and strained. There’ll be no balance, or comfort, or “settling in” to each other.

11: You deserve their full commitment.

Relationships are not a part time commitment, you’re either in, or you’re out. Too many people, though, treat someone else’s feelings like a “side gig.” Something they only prioritize when they have some spare time, here or there.

Full commitment, going all in, is the only way to really build a strong enough foundation that a lifetime can stand on.

12: You deserve someone with high self-worth.

Perhaps an unexpected, but important conclusion.

People with high self worth value their own time, their own feelings, their own well-being.

If you want to build a life alongside someone, you need to be sure that they’re capable of being your teammate. Playing their part. Showing up as your equal.

Also, you need to be sure that they’re going to be around for awhile, which means paying attention to how they treat their own mental and physical health.

Someone with high self-worth will prioritize personal growth, just like you do.

They’ll challenge you and inspire you to become better, just as you do for them.

They’ll continue learning new things and developing new skills, which keeps them interesting and intriguing.

And, it’ll prevent you from slipping, because they’ll respect themselves enough to let you know if there’s something they need in the relationship that they’re not getting.

When two people with high self-worth come together to form a bond, they expect the most from themselves, from each other, and from their combination as a couple.

They know exactly what they deserve.

There’s a funny thing that happens when you expect more from yourself…you’ll very often get it.

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• James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.
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