The Most Attractive Men Understand These 10 Things

Men are more confused now than ever before when it comes to dating — and who can blame them? Men’s roles in virtually all areas of life are shifting, which presents some uncertainty.

In a world where women are outperforming and out-earning men more and more frequently, where is the value that men bring to their lives as a partner or spouse?

The most attractive men know that it’s not about “what” they bring, but “who” they are.

Let’s explore:

1: Respect yourself, first.

I have spent more than 10 years publicly speaking and writing in an attempt to get men to respect women more than they have been. I’ve even gone onto television to speak out against toxic masculinity (not healthy masculinity).

I find that oftentimes, a man’s lack of respect towards women is reflective of his lack of self-respect in the first place.

Nothing is less attractive than a man who doesn’t respect himself enough to care for their own mental or physical health, or work to improve themselves, or present themselves well, or explore their full potential.

It’s very difficult for a woman to be drawn to a man who doesn’t respect himself, let alone picture building a life alongside of him.

How can she picture building a future with him if he’s not building a future for himself?

Self-respect will set you on a path of living a happy and fulfilling life — which, in itself, is attractive.

2: Women can’t be convinced to date you.

A lot of dudes need to learn this one — if she’s not attracted to you, none of your sales pitches are going to change her mind.

I’m not talking about physically attracted to you, I mean her attraction to you as a human being.

The life you live, the passions you pursue, the ways you positively impact the people around you.

Those are all things that shine through in the way you choose to live. She’ll see them if they’re there.

If you start trying to convince her how great you are, though, she’s going to see right through it and go the other way.

Men who truly respect themselves (noticing a theme here?) put their best foot forward at all times and understand that the right people will be drawn to them because of who they are, not what they’re selling.

3: It’s not “rejection,” it’s redirection.

I was once asked in an interview what my most embarrassing dating moment was.

Without hesitation, I answered:

“The first 20 years of my life.”

It’s true. It took my years upon years of rejection to learn what I was doing wrong, what wasn’t working, and why I wasn’t attractive to women.

One of my private clients is going through a similar process of reinventing himself and becoming his version of Prince Charming. He recently went on a date and sent me a message that, while they had a great time together, there wasn’t a romantic “spark” to move things forward.

My response? Congratulations!

I encouraged him to let go of the result when it comes to dating. Don’t worry about whether or not you get a 2nd date, or even a first kiss — simply approach it as a new experience. A shared adventure with the person you’re on the date with. Have fun. Laugh. Get out of your own head.

Just because something doesn’t work out doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you, it just signals an incompatibility between two people.

4: Your communication skills are everything.

If you’ve read my story about how my wife and I met, you already know that we started chatting on Facebook at the start of the pandemic.

We’d been Facebook friends for 10 years, but never spoke.

We went from messenger, to texting, to video chats…

Hours every single day.

We talked for 2 and a half months before finally meeting in person.

When we finally met, we’d already talked about everything. We knew what we both wanted. We’ve been together ever since.

Would that have happened if I were a terrible communicator?

What if I couldn’t carry on a conversation?

What if I was a lazy texter?

We never would’ve been able to build the connection that we did, nor would we have had the same instant spark when we did meet.

Get creative with your communication. Learn new writing skills. Use emojis. Figure out how to express emotion verbally.

Men are notoriously shitty communicators, but they don’t have to be.

5: Value feeling wanted over feeling needed.

Listen guys, I get it. We, as men, want to be needed by the woman in our life. It’s simple biology. We want to feel useful, to have utility, to have a meaning and a purpose, to bring value.

For basically all of human history up to the modern era, women have needed us in more ways than they do now. Whether it be for an income, or marriages, or security…100, 200, or 300+ years ago, existed a much different world.

Today, though, women are doing it all on their own. I say, more power to them.

When someone consciously chooses you as their partner in life, it’s far more valuable than them holding on to you out of desperation or dependency.

6: Nice guys really do finish last.

Here’s what most self-identified “nice guys” actually do:

They desperately seek validation from people around them — both men and women.

In an effort to receive this validation, they do and say the things they think others want them to. Sometimes, they actually receive it, which prompts them to do it again, and again.

They become dependent on it. It becomes their fuel.

So, they constantly seek it.

In doing so, they simply become a reflection of everyone else around them. They lose their own sense of identity because every decision they make is designed to get other people’s approval.

As a result, they forget who they really are, what they really stand for, or even what they really think.

What happens, then, if you take this mindset into dating?

You find yourself simply mirroring the woman you’re trying to win over, molding yourself into her life, becoming her shadow. Afraid to speak up, or disagree, or do anything that might lose her approval because then you’ll lose her.

Every relationship you have feels fragile because they’re all dependent on someone else approving of you.

Needless to say, this is unsustainable.

Eventually she will get bored because all you ever do is go along with what she wants.

Or she’ll get confused because she doesn’t actually know who you are or what you believe.

Naturally, then, it all falls apart — and it will continue doing so until you stop being so “nice,” and focus on being a good person instead.

7: You don’t attract what you desire, you attract what you project.

Let me give you an example:

You sign up for an online dating app.

You leave the bio blank. You just post a few photos.

One is shirtless of you at the beach. Another is you driving a Lamborghini. The next is you at a nightclub. The last photo is you flexing at the gym.

Now imagine that you’re looking for a “good girl” who’s family oriented, wants to settle down and have children, and lives a healthy and active lifestyle. Someone who appreciates you for who you really are, not for the things you can give them or the life you can provide them with.

…do you see the disconnect in the messaging?

You’ll never attract that type of person by projecting a completely different type of image.

We all face this challenge — men and women alike.

We want to highlight our outward appearance, but also make sure they know there’s more to the story. Depth, substance, something beneath the surface.

The most attractive men know how to “market themselves” in this way. They know how to express their truest selves and their best qualities — both online and offline.

8: Women don’t want to be idolized.

We spoke earlier about respecting women.

Women should be respected. They should be cherished. Loved. Adored…

Not idolized.

Lots of men (particularly the “nice guys” from point #6) will idolize women. They’ll put them on a pedestal, view them as a higher being — or a unicorn, unable to be “captured.”

Unless she’s looking to dominate you, she doesn’t want a guy who sees her like this.

You’ll become subservient to her and never challenge her. You’ll treat her like a prize to be won instead of a partner to grow with. You’ll be approaching her from a completely different viewpoint as a man would if he saw himself on her same level.

Understand that no matter what a woman looks like or what she has achieved in her life — she is still a human being who wants to be seen for who she is at the core. Paying attention to this is how you separate yourself from the pack of other rabid dogs vying for her attention.

9: Live a life that YOU are passionate about.

What are your hobbies? What do you do in your spare time? What do you read about? What do you watch on TV? What are you interested in? What skills or knowledge are you working to develop right now?

For many people, I’d bet that most of these questions are hard to answer.

A lot of us lose sight of hobbies or interests as we get older and more consumed with work and obligations.

The result, let’s face it, is a pretty boring life.

Boring lives create boring people.

Boring people aren’t attractive.

No, you shouldn’t take up a hobby or pursue a passion for the sake of becoming attractive to other people…you should do it for your own sake, to wake up every day and live a life that you’re excited about.

You should do it to fill the pages of your life story with adventure, and knowledge, and wisdom, and experiences.

You should do it to create fulfillment and happiness in your life. To meet new people. To experience new things. To gain new knowledge, get in better shape, become a more well-rounded man.

The added bonus of all of that is that it is attractive to others, as well.

If you don’t have any passions or hobbies right now, good. That means you’ve got plenty of space in your life to create some.

10: Stop worrying about being attractive.

I know, dude! You just read this whole article about being attractive and now I’m telling you not to worry about it?!

Hear me out — the most attractive people are not spending their time worrying about how to be attractive.

They’re living a life they love. They’re being active. They’re gaining knowledge. They’re improving themselves.

They’re diving into their interests and passions. Spending time with the people who inspire them. They’re out in the world inspiring others, as well.

They’re building a life they can be proud of. They’re creating happiness and fulfillment while still being single.

They want the story of their life to be one that they wrote themselves with passion and intention.

And…nothing is more attractive than that.

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James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.

Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.

James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.