5 Proven Strategies For Attracting The Love You Deserve


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You don’t need someone to complete you, only for someone to accept you completely.

Material items are not the only things people search for in order to fill an emotional gap. Perhaps even more common is the search for a partner in order to accomplish the same goal. Not surprisingly, this is an equally ineffective method. Maybe even worse.

Sometimes we look for information on what we should do to find a relationship. Where can we go? What should we say? How should we dress? What dating apps are best? Everyone has a different reason for wanting to be in a relationship, but I don’t believe it’s something that should be pursued to solve a problem, because that’s not how relationships work.

A relationship is to be attracted by the person you work to become.

Clarity around an identity and purpose is not dependent on your relationship status. You can be single, married, actively dating, hell, you can even be “consciously coupled” if you want. This is all about you as an individual. That’s the whole point.

The whole point of being clear on your identity is that it becomes literally who you are. That sounds redundant, but I’m saying it for a reason. Some people enter into a relationship and seem to sacrifice that identity. They lose sight of who they are, what they enjoy, and what is important to them. It’s one thing to compromise and be flexible, every relationship requires that. It’s a whole other thing, however, to sacrifice your values, beliefs, and ideals simply for the sake of being in a relationship. One that is likely not good for you, might I add.

I once had a client who told me that he felt every time he would start dating a woman she would lose interest after the first few months. He also told me that he is a ‘people pleaser’ and acts in ways to make others happy. To an extent, it is a great thing to care about others. The line is drawn, though, when it takes away from your sense of self.

The moment he told me this I knew what was happening because I’d been there myself many times in the past. He was molding himself to what she thought he wanted her to be. He was unclear on his identity. This, in turn, made her unclear about who he really was. He’d stopped doing and being what had attracted her in the first place.

Being unclear on your identity is a surefire way of attracting the wrong people to you. The reality of life is that we do not attract what we desire, we attract what we project. And, if we are projecting an image that’s misaligned with our true self, we will naturally attract those who don’t reflect who we really are or what we really want.

Likewise while in a relationship, consider the conflict caused over the long term if we let our life pull us off course. How many times have you heard it say that “he/she changed” over the years? If it’s only been a few months, the odds are that the person did not change, they simply revealed who they really are.

If it’s been years, however, it’s possible they’ve lost touch with their true identity.

Growth also plays a role. If one’s identity is around that of personal development, being with someone whose identity is comfort and stability will eventually pull them apart as they walk different paths. It is not necessarily better or worse, but different and incompatible.

That’s the kicker. Compatibility.

I’ve seen (and been in) many a relationship that simply did not work. You don’t need malice or contempt towards another person. You don’t need to dislike them or be ashamed of dating them. You can simply come to the realization that the people you are do not come together to form a cohesive and compatible team.

But here’s the rub: How will you know this for sure if one of you is unclear on your identity?

Beginning a relationship under a false pretense is sure to lead to disaster. Clarity around your identity will prevent this from going too far in the first place.

  • You will be confident in who you are and what you deserve.
  • You will already be living a passionate life reflective of your truest self.
  • You will feel immediate tension or conflict if someone’s values are out of alignment with yours.
  • You will be able to recognize those whose presence in your life will fully complement it so you can grow together.
  • You will be clear on what you are or aren’t willing to compromise in a relationship.

There are a slew of benefits that come along with doing the inner work before getting into a relationship, but what if you’re already in one?

Personal growth is something that should be supported by any partner who has your best interest in mind. He or she should want to see you happy and fulfilled, and understand that it will bring even more security, intimacy, fun, and excitement to the relationship. Someone who feels disconnected from themselves or is on a constant search for meaning can easily be distant or unattached emotionally. This does not (necessarily) mean they’ve fallen out of love or lost interest. If you feel like this applies to you, have a conversation with your significant other about what you need to pursue for yourself. Your goals, your dreams, your desires.

To build an even greater sense of self love, then, what strategies are key?

Challenge yourself.

Consider an area of life where you feel the most confident. Perhaps it’s a skillset at work. Maybe your level of fitness. Maybe you’re a quick learner or a fast reader.

Whatever the answer, odds are it’s something you have done repeatedly over and over again, so you feel a sense of TRUST in yourself. You know you can get it done when you need to.

Lack of confidence in a different area of life reflects a lack of credibility with yourself in that particular zone.

Set small goals to challenge yourself, and then achieve them. Even if it’s waking up 10 minutes earlier every day and getting right out of bed. That may seem insignificant, but it is something that shows you stick to your word and gives you a platform to set higher goals to achieve. This is about holding yourself accountable and building credibility with YOU.

Reframe failures as learning experiences.

We ALL fail. The most successful among us have missed more shots than most people ever take.

The difference is, those with a growth mindset will look at each miss as an opportunity to learn. Why did they miss? What could’ve been done better? How can they improve?

By removing the emotion from these situations and strictly seeing a task as trial and error, we can stop feeling bad for ourselves that we didn’t hit the mark, and start being excited about the new things we will learn in order to make it happen.

Focus on one step at a time.

It’s easy to become overwhelmed when setting a goal. Maybe you need to lose 10, 20, or 50 pounds. Maybe you’re training for a 5k and have never run before. Maybe you want to run a million dollar company but you’re still in college.

If we look at the end goal as the FIRST STEP, it nearly seems impossible. We continue benchmarking ourselves against point “Z” and inevitably continue falling short.

If we take a deep breath and pursue point “A”, though, we can then use that as a platform to move to B, and C, and so forth.

Set big goals, yes, but break them up into smaller ones in order to give yourself the wins along the way. Celebrate each one and move forward.

Run your own race.

I used to be a pretty fast runner when I was a kid. I remember running an event in middle school and I kept looking back at the runner who was behind me. Inevitably, this slowed me down because of the extra energy it took to turn around and mentally I lost focus on the finish line ahead of me, too worried about what someone else was doing.

We all come from different backgrounds, starting points, and worldviews. Each of us is predisposed for different abilities and we have skills that others don’t…and, vice versa.

If we spend too much time comparing our journey to others, we will inevitably be disappointed and thrown off track. We will feel badly about ourselves when we see the Instagram model with an 8-pack that doesn’t seem to have a job and just travels the world.

No matter how far you go, there will ALWAYS be someone ahead of you. ALWAYS bigger, stronger, faster, richer, prettier…ALWAYS.

The key is to focus on how far YOU have come, and measure your success against your former self.

Your biggest competition is in the mirror.

Prioritize learning.

One of the best ways to build self love is to put time and effort into your mindset. As we accumulate more knowledge we have the ability to perform at a higher level in all areas of life, which in turn allows us to accomplish goals more effectively, and then feel better about ourselves.

It is an intuitive cycle that seems simple, but is often overlooked perhaps for this exact reason.

Most people want the results without digging into the dirt and planting the roots. The REAL process of self love, confidence, and success is not sexy. It is not flashy or glamorous. It doesn’t have a million Instagram followers.

It is, however, a necessary part of becoming a fulfilled and confident person.

And the good news is: You get to control every bit of it. Control is the name of the game for all of this, particularly when it comes to your focus and your mindset. What you choose to absorb and focus on quite literally creates the reality you live in and the person you become. Focusing on the wrong things can pull you away from both your identity and your purpose. This is why the habits you form and the decisions you make on a regular basis show the world (and yourself) the person you’ve chosen to be.

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