10 Ways You Push Her Away Without Realizing It


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I was once interviewed for an article on Fox News Los Angeles, the author of which finds herself immersed in the LA dating scene (which, as you can imagine, is unique).

We discussed some recent experiences that she has had with men, and while some of them were a little different from what I usually hear, some of them were also consistent with issues that I felt I had discussed multiple times before with multiple different women about multiple different men. What does this mean?

It means there are consistencies. There are, for some reason, mistakes that many men (probably myself included) are making when it comes to being in a relationship. In this article, we will discuss some of them in order to help all of us become more aware of where we can improve, and work to become better.


You have never really learned about women.

This has always surprised me a little bit. People (men and women) spend years of their life learning about business, history, science, and whatever subject comes our way. But when it comes to the one thing every single one of us shares – relationships – many are generally clueless. Time is not taken to observe, talk to, or learn about the opposite sex.

The more effort you put into learning about women, particularly the one in your life, the more likely you are to be in tune with her feelings, emotions, likes and dislikes. This will of course lead to a smoother, happier relationship because you can anticipate her wants and needs in order to act on them. You don’t need to be a mind reader, you just need to put in a little effort.

You spend too much time trying to sell yourself.

This is to say, you spend far too much time talking about yourself and not enough time learning about her. Dating is not supposed to be a sales pitch where you try to convince the person on the other end of the table that you’re their best option. It’s about mutual learning and figuring out whether or not you are both a match for each other.

You have two ears and one mouth for a reason: Listen twice as much as you speak.

You don’t make her a priority.

More than one conversation I have had recently has focused on men who were either so submerged in their career, business, friends, or other interests that they barely made time to spend with their own girlfriend. As an entrepreneur, I understand the importance of focusing on business and progress, but I also understand the beauty and depth a relationship can bring to your life, and the importance of playing your equal role in it.

The woman in your life wants to feel valued. She wants to feel adored. She wants you to be emotionally present when you are with her. She doesn’t need to have you around constantly, but of course she wants to feel loved, just like you do.

If you stop putting in effort to make the woman in your life feel special every day, you lose your right to complain when someone else does.

You didn’t work to build a foundation.

A foundation of friendship and trust is essential to every relationship, much like a first building a foundation is essential to building a house. Without it, things may look solid from the outside but will be crumbling from the inside.

Many men shy away from friendship with women because they are scared of being in the ‘friend zone’ and never having more than that with a woman they have feelings for. But it is important to realize that many relationships are built off of friendships. That is what keeps two people together in the long term. She needs to know she can count on you, that you will be there, that you are the real deal.

You can have a friendship without a relationship, but you can’t have a relationship without a friendship.

You are inconsistent.

Another one of the most common questions I get from women about men is: Why are men so hot and cold? Men can be talking about commitment and a relationship one day, and then completely disappear the next. What gives?

I understand that as men in the social media era we have options. We can easily X out a conversation and start a new one while easily forgetting about the last one. It is an unfortunate side effect of the out of sight, out of mind mentality that comes along with constant information overload. But one thing has not changed: The fact that you are talking to real human beings with real feelings and emotions.

If you are interested in her, tell her. If you are not interested in her, tell her. A gentleman will never allow a woman to fall if he does not intend on catching her.

You focus too much on her looks.

This one is pretty interesting because it may be counter-intuitive to a lot of men reading this. But, that is only because most guys try to get a woman’s attention by complimenting her beauty, and put no effort into learning about her character.

Early on in my relationship I found myself not complimenting my girlfriend on her looks very often. I wanted to tell her that she is the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, I wanted to tell her that she looks just as beautiful in sweatpants as she does in a dress. I wanted to dig up every adjective I could think of that could be used to describe someone’s appearance – but, I didn’t.

Why? Because I didn’t want her to think that’s why I wanted to be with her. Yes, she is beautiful and sexy and all of those things, but she is so much more than that. I actually told her once that I didn’t want her to think I only wanted her for her looks, and she told me that if I’d spent too much time complimenting her beauty, that’s exactly what she would have thought.

The woman in your life will have much more appreciation for you taking the time to notice her character, compassion, thoughtfulness, and kindheartedness – far more than you telling her how great her butt looks in those jeans. Even if it does.

Too much, too soon.

Yes, men can be clingy too. Particularly when we find a woman who really catches our attention, sometimes the excitement can be a little overwhelming and we may come on stronger than we intend to. This, particularly for a more independent type of woman, can be kryptonite and push her away immediately.

Take a step back, a deep breath, tell her what a great time you had on your date, and do your best to fight the urge to text her every 5 minutes. Don’t be worried about coming across as uninterested, you will actually likely be helping yourself rather than hurting yourself.

You have not yet defined yourself or your own path.

I know that this was a big hang-up for me for a long time. I wasn’t really sure who I was as a person, who I wanted to be, or who I wanted to become. For that reason (and others) I knew I wasn’t going to be ready for a relationship until I had at least a better grip on those questions.

In order to be happy with someone else, you first need to be happy with yourself. That is the most important relationship you’ll ever have. If that one isn’t healthy, none of your others will be either.

The idea of “you complete me” is romantic, but it is not realistic. A relationship is not about two people who complete each other, it’s about two people who are already whole and accept each other completely.

You put in part time effort.

Healthy relationships are not a part time commitment. The woman you are with is not just another option or a way to pass your time, and she shouldn’t be made to feel like she is.

When you are with her, be with her. When you are not with her, let her know you’re thinking about her. A relationship is a team, and teams fall apart when one of the members doesn’t pull their own weight.

As mentioned earlier, she needs to know that you will be there for her during good times and during bad times.  If you always seem to be just sort of kind of committed, she will eventually realize she is better off being single or finding someone who gives her what she needs.

You are clueless about how she’s feeling.

On a deeper level than the first point about not really learning about women, you also need to make sure you learn about her. About the one woman who you have committed your time and effort to. If you do not put in the effort to become in-tune with how she is feeling or what she is communicating to you non-verbally, you will never be able to form the type of deep, emotional connection that a healthy relationship should possess.

She doesn’t want or need you to be a psychic. But if you truly put in the time and effort to communicate with her, listen to her, and pay attention to the things she is saying to you when she’s not actually speaking; you will gain a greater understanding of the woman you love and ultimately be able to bring more happiness to you both as individuals and to your relationship.


Relationships should not be as complicated as they seem to be for our generation. They don’t need rules or checklists. But what they do need is two people who are willing to learn, understand, and communicate. Two people who will stand by each other when things are good, and when things are bad.

Two people who are willing to work together as a team. Because in the end, the team wins the game.


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  1. AthenaC on March 2, 2015 at 2:59 pm

    “Dating is not supposed to be a sales pitch where you try to convince the person on the other end of the table that you’re their best option. It’s about mutual learning and figuring out whether or not you are both a match for each other.”

    Very much this – I can’t count the number of times that I figured out on the first date that he and I wouldn’t be a good match, I told him so right away (in order to be respectful of BOTH our time going forward), and he immediately switched to salesman mode.

    First of all, it’s off-putting, and second, it tells me that either he’s not listening to me (red flag) or that he doesn’t care that we’re not compatible, which just underscores the original point that we’re not compatible.

  2. Erynn Haskins on March 2, 2015 at 3:29 pm

    I can attest to the fact that I pull away once I notice a guy not taking my feelings into consideration and making things all about him. As a woman, you want to feel like a man genuinely cares about you and wants to make you happy.

  3. Dina on March 3, 2015 at 5:59 am

    We have two ears and one mouth,
    ………talk less, listen more……
    this helps one know the other even much more.

  4. LiveFearless on March 3, 2015 at 6:46 am

    Whatever wimp wrote this nonsense should be embarrassed for the contribution to the destruction of relationships he/she will continue to cause. You owe people like @MargolisCindy an apology. If she could relive the past decade, she would. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UEwHac2SNFw Instead, she listened to the sick advice like what you’ve written here.

    • Prickly Taxi Ride on May 12, 2017 at 10:26 am

      LiveFearless, people like you amuse me lol. You know, the ones who dont believe in personal accountability. Instead of holding whoever “listened to the advice” accountable for whatever choices they made, you instead hold the person giving advice accountable lol. Hilarious. Nobody forced anyone to take their advice. No duress. No hostage situation. No gun to their head.

      We see and hear things everyday whether it’s on tv, radio, or casual convos. Whatever the platform is, we are constantly being fed information and it us up to us, an ADULT, to decide what we’re going to put stock into and what we are going to take with a grain of salt. Whatever our choice is still remains our choice. If you blame the writer of this article for someone listening to the advice offered (keyword “offered”) and making a decesion based off of it, then where does it stop? You may as well blame every single platform in existance if thats the case. Just sillyness.

      It’s responsibility. It’s called personal accountability. Get you some. 🙂

  5. arrowlynx on March 3, 2015 at 7:10 am

    With this article (and the last one) a man can do something…… These are thought each man can reflect and follow (if he wants…) Good clues….. 🙂

  6. vanjs on March 3, 2015 at 9:20 pm

    doesn’t help me at all.

  7. Suenue on March 3, 2015 at 11:54 pm

    So true James, esp You put in part-time effort, You don’t make her a priority, and pretty much everything else! Reminds me of my last relationship, which is why I got out! Hopefully he’s reading this and will learn something!

  8. Mort on March 4, 2015 at 5:04 pm

    Hog wash rubbish, Most Women today a have an entitlement mentality.They think that a man should grovel in the dirt like a worm to them. Articles like this cater to that mentality. Women are leaving their men it troves because they think they can treat the man like garbage,and in return the man must treat them like they are Goddess’ offering up sacrifices to them.These same women divorce their poor husbands taking everything they have worked hard all their lives for. Suing them for ridiculous amounts of alimony,and spousal support.They then go out and prey on some other poor guy,expecting him to do the same.pathetic.

    • Nathan Strange on August 3, 2015 at 8:01 am

      you are absolutely right. If you do everthing that this “so called man how wrote this” she will push you way fast. I think I’m going to give up on everything fuck life. It’s retarded.

    • hmickeyjd on May 7, 2017 at 4:42 pm

      Mort, I couldn’t agree more!

    • Carly on August 31, 2019 at 12:54 pm

      Hmm. I divorced my husband because he started to sleep with everything that walked on legs and looked at him. So, no, not every woman is like that. So now if I’m dating someone and they don’t value me (if they act selfish, do hurtful things, give half-assed apologies, go hot-cold-hot-cold) I walk away. That doesn’t make me overly entitled, it just makes me selective with who I choose to spend the rest of my life with.

  9. rebecca on March 25, 2015 at 3:22 pm

    I like #6. I met a guy once at a dance lesson. I wasn’t all dressed up, and he didn’t even notice my existence. Then I met the same guy again at a dance, and I was all dressed up. I was a completely new person to him, and 5 days after the dance he said he ”loved me.” HA!!! I’m beginning to think that’s all men want out of me 🙁 But I’m holding out hope 🙂

  10. listeningforthewhisper on May 26, 2015 at 2:03 pm

    What on earth does, “A gentleman will never allow a woman to fall if he does not intend on catching her.” mean? What sort of situation has a guy orchestrating a situation where his girl is “falling?” I don’t get it.

    Other than that, good article 😛

    • James Michael Sama on May 26, 2015 at 2:33 pm

      It’s in reference to the term ‘falling in love,’ to be more specific – I have heard many a story where a man will carry on what seems to be the beginning of a potentially long term relationship, causing the woman to develop hope and feelings, and then he disappears without a trace.

      This, I would illustrate, as allowing her to fall without intending on catching her. 🙂

      Hopefully this clarifies the metaphor!

  11. Pen & Paper Lover on June 4, 2015 at 11:38 am

    Reblogged this on pen & paper.

    • Mark on April 20, 2017 at 10:38 am

      please kindly help me out, my girlfriend and i have been in a relationship for three months, She is a student in a University and i work with an advertising company, we use to call each other several times, more time she calls me and we will talk until she starts class. three weeks ago, she told me a friend is trying to hook her to a guy, one of her course mates,since that time, she stopped doing the calling, messaging and even deleted pictures we took together on her phone and i am the only one who calls and sometime she won’t pick up and will never call back too or reply my sms, i went to her house to ask her if she has no interest in the relationship anymore she should let me know but she rather gave me a very deep kiss and told me that i’m the only guy she love and she love me so much. please kindly help me, What is she trying to do? and what should i do? Thank you.

      • Pen & Paper Lover on August 30, 2017 at 8:23 am

        Dear Mark, i’m no relationship expert.. Please check https://jamesmsama.com for more tips about relationships.

        But what i can say in my experience is that long distance relationship (im assuming it is long distance) is really difficult to maintain, both needs to be committed and trustworthy. You need to keep the relationship dynamic and “flavorful”. Be creative. Maybe, she doesn’t feel much excitement from your relationship anymore, especially if someone is trying to hook her up to another guy. The less messaging and calling might indicate that she is interested with someone else, OR probably she is just busy. You just simply have to ask her.
        As for the kiss, i think she might be torn and confused. She likes you still or maybe she just didnt want to hurt you. It just means that you need to be more present in her life, like you have to be with her physically as much as you can. Take her out to dinner, do something nice for her, make her feel special. Do the things she loves doing.
        You have to really ask her what it means, what you truly mean to her, honestly.

  12. […] post was originally published on James Michael Sama’s website, where he covers topics on dating, relationships and happiness. He is a writer, blogger, […]

  13. […] post was originally published on James Michael Sama’s website, where he covers topics on dating, relationships and happiness. He is a writer, blogger, […]

  14. […] post was originally published on James Michael Sama’s website, where he covers topics on dating, relationships and happiness. He is a writer, blogger, […]

  15. CKR on August 2, 2015 at 5:50 am

    “In order to be happy with someone else, you first need to be happy with yourself. That is the most important relationship you’ll ever have. If that one isn’t healthy, none of your others will be either.”

    How did you find to yourself? And what would you suggest figuring these things out?

  16. harniat on January 28, 2016 at 2:25 pm

    as far as I know some women never tell the truth! and you right about one thing be patience and listen to what they said is the most important part! for man to realize what they want! if we can give them what they want, they will give us what we want :D,
    there’s no exact method for women, we just need time and be patient! but most of us, Can’t! and for sure I am to, and make everything fast as possible! but unfortunately this can push her a way!
    In past I make friend with some girls, I know she like me, at first! but I don’t act until 6 month latter and the result are great, she give me trust and etc. but when I act after 1 week or 2 , for sure they don’t trust us and etc! so my hypotesis about women is, they will give us almost everything, if already through a lot thing, for so many times, after all love is a good memory to remembers ! 😀

  17. Ways You Push Her Away | Life Files on May 21, 2016 at 8:38 am

    […] post was originally published on James Michael Sama’s website, where he covers topics on dating, relationships and happiness. He is a writer, blogger, […]

  18. […] 10 Ways You Push Her Away Without Realizing It, by James M. Sama […]

  19. Celine on December 9, 2016 at 8:55 pm

    Well, I am pulling away because he pulls away. My fiance likes to stonewall certain subjects, and I just began to get used to the silence for 3, 4, 5, 6 days. He also works a lot so combine that with the silent treatment and you have a woman with one foot out the door. Hurts like hell, but not as much as lying in bed with someone who won’t even talk to you.

  20. Someone on January 7, 2017 at 1:22 am

    Well…I AM an older, waaay experienced person in this whole ‘experience’…still quite viable, if I wanted to be, which I don’t…I am tired of being valued and pursued and craved for my ‘F-ability’…The one I’ve treasured for near 2 decades has become simple, predictable, argumentative and moronically simplistic and rabidly “conservative” for lack of a better socio-political label…one thing I’ve NEVER been able to stand is ‘simple/unintelligent’…Many key unspeakable ‘life events’have occured where I am immune to mere ‘dickworthiness’…I need something far more profound/smart/stable in my life..or I’ll just be ‘content/placid’in being an UNapproachable rocky small island the rest if my(admittedly/slightly)miserable days…no bigz…Doubt ANYone out there could convince me differently..!

  21. John on February 21, 2017 at 12:26 am

    Can you please print 10 more (or 100 more) ways to push away women? It’s such a draining experience to be around one and it gets annoying. Ignoring them used to work, but they’re getting more aggressive. I with there was a pest control service that eliminated women as well as cockroaches.

  22. Krisit on May 7, 2017 at 10:11 am

    I feel happy once again, and like never before. It felt good to have my lover back, Thanks to ((DR.MAC@YAHOO. com))

  23. Kirui Andrew (@Andrastic) on May 13, 2017 at 7:01 am

    Someone is complaining about this ? i cant believe you. when you read someones work you should be wise enough to apply it to your situation in a practical way, you don’t just use information without processing it. or rather expecting and trusting that what someone has said will work will automatically work in your unique situation

  24. Arthur Anderson on July 5, 2017 at 8:57 am

    I have a serious issue.

    My GF is the independant type and I am more the type of guy who likes to spend time with her GF. I am 40 years old and she s 35.

    I see her once during the week and once during the weekend, I mean we spend 2 nights together per week and sometime during the day on the weekend. But it is already a lot for her as she experienced issues in her childhood with a too much caring father if you see what I mean.

    For 8 months she has been texting me in the morning and evening to wish good monrning and good night. For me it is important but for her it has never been and if she could she would not write at all or not much when I need more contact than she does.

    Now, she has enough and she does not want to text anymore unless she really wants to, which I can understand but makes me feel insecure and missing her, wondering what she is doing and stuff like that.

    I am really sad about this situation but she said I need to see a shrink as I definitely needs too much attention when I believe for me I am normal as I want the attention by message I don’t get as I don’t see her enough.

    It looks like an impossible mission and I am putting myself in question, am I really the weirdo?

  25. Bryan on December 6, 2017 at 10:34 pm

    I wish i had this knowledge prior to meeting her in april i fell in-love with her and ended up pushing her away.


  26. Chrissy on February 9, 2018 at 10:31 pm

    This is all true. It boils down to one thing, if a man wants a relationship with a quality woman he needs to show he is authentic and ready for a monogamous and committed relationship. To do that you need to build trust. Men and women are wired differently. Women need to be able to trust that once she allows herself to become vulnerable by showing a man who she really is and how she really feels, he won’t run away. In a nutshell, get to know a woman and show authenticity. If if you don’t like what you see,don’t pretend and get out early. If you’re not ready for a real relationship, be upfront and let her decide if she wants to continue. The reality is some men (and women) carry on even when the sincere interest is not there so it’s so important to look for red flags and clarify the behaviour. Stop if the response is inconclusive or the behaviour persists.

  27. gilbert c on February 21, 2018 at 10:05 pm

    Alot of men take it for granted that women are happy with out actually talking to them on how they feel. Most often times you dont need to even ask. Women in alot of ways will show you they are not happy or something is not right. Us guys we need to read our women. Its part of knowing them. And if we ignore those red flags its going to drive her away. This was a great and thought out article. I also recommend checking this out as well. Its very informative. https://goo.gl/Mkcz7F.

  28. Methods You Push The girl Away | slapthegoon.com on December 17, 2019 at 2:09 pm

    […] post has been originally published upon James Michael Sama’sВ website, where he addresses topics on online dating, relationships and joy. He is a writer, blogger, […]

  29. […] article was originally published at jamesmsama.com. Reprinted with permission from the […]

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