10 Signs He’s Just Not That Into You

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I have received many an email from women asking me about the way a man is acting and what it might mean, or not mean. More often than not, women who are doubting the feelings of the man in their life, are usually right. Meaning, if he’s just not that into you, you will probably know.

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Nevertheless, though, it is easy to be caught up in infatuation or mutual attraction, and overlook the warning signs. I read a quote once that said “follow your heart, but take your brain with you,” and this is exactly what we need to do in dating and relationships. Too much emotion or logic can cloud our judgment, and we need to have a balance of both.

So, what are some signs that he’s just not that into you?

He makes generalized statements in your direction rather than talking about you.

In other words, could his compliments be copy and pasted into his texts to another girl, or is he talking about something specific to you? Unfortunately, in today’s society, there needs to be a conversation about commitment had before it can be assumed that either partner is actually committed and not talking to anyone else.

If a man is vague in his discussion and doesn’t dive into what makes you tick, what your passions are, and what you want out of life, you have to honestly ask yourself how interested he truly is.

He spends more time talking about himself than trying to get to know you.

To some guys, the dating “game” is just that – a game they can play in order to win…that’s why they’re called players.

A man who is truly interested in you will take the time to converse with you and relate to you during your discussions, not keep all of the attention on himself to convince you how great he is just to ‘win you.’

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He passively invites you places.

This is to say, his attempts to spend time with you are weak, at best. Not only might he always be “too busy” or delay getting together (probably because he’s with another woman), but if his only invitation to you is a Friday night text asking if you want to get a drink, he may have had plans fall through and isn’t showing you the proper amount of effort to actually plan a night around you and your interests.

A man who is serious about you will always make the time to see you. No excuses, lies, or broken promises. You deserve better than being a backup plan.

He only talks to you when he wants something, or is making plans.

Unless he’s trying to see you, he never talks to you.

This one is a big red flag. Is he talkative, romantic and friendly as the weekend is approaching or when he’s asking you to spend time together, but seems distant and much less eager to respond to texts any other time?

Sure, he might be busy with work, but this is 2015, people are constantly attached to their phones and he will find time to text you back if he really wants to.

His words and actions are inconsistent.

A man (or anyone) can talk a certain way, and then act another way. Words are nice, but they are always drowned out by actions. Early on in a relationship, watch what someone does more than what they say. Words can be dishonest, but actions can’t.

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He avoids PDA like the plague.

It goes without saying that some people aren’t comfortable with public displays of affection, this is totally natural. But one thing to pay attention to is whether or not it looks like he’s trying to still appear single even when he’s with you. Does he want people to think you’re his sister? His cousin? Does he want the cute waitress to think he’s just out to dinner with a work colleague?

If he is proud to be with you (which he should be) you will know it. If he’s not, you’ll always be wondering if he is.

Meeting friends and family seems to be off-limits.

A man who can really envision a future with you will want to integrate you into all parts of his life. This means introducing you to his family and friends, and meeting yours as well. It means inviting you to family dinners and gatherings. Having his friends say “I’ve heard so much about you” when they meet you.

If he always seems to be too busy to meet the people who are special to you, and doesn’t invite you to meet his – this is a red flag.

Future plans? He’s probably busy that weekend…and the one after that…

A man who is really into you will picture you in his life far into the future. If he is hesitant about committing to something far down the road, he is probably hesitant about committing to the entire relationship, also.

Details? What details?

When a man is emotionally invested in you, he will put in effort to really listen to what you are saying and remember details. Your friend Emma had surgery last week, does he ask how she’s doing? Is your sister’s baby feeling better? Does he have a better chance knowing who fired the first shot on the grassy knoll than he does of remembering when your first date was? Red flag.

Hint: Nobody knows who fired the first shot at the grassy knoll.

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You are always unsure about his feelings.

I have no problem admitting it, a woman’s intuition is usually so accurate it can be scary. But, it can be blurred if she is really into someone. If I had to venture a guess I’d say nearly everyone reading this has been on the inside of a situation that all of your friends tried to talk you out of, but you couldn’t see it for what it really was. The biggest red flag for a man not being into you, is that you are always unsure of or questioning where he stands.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: If a man truly cares about you, you will know it and feel it. If he doesn’t, you’ll be wondering all the time if he does.

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Click here to get my new e-book, The Modern Man’s Guide To Chivalry And Courtship!

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17 Comments

  1. Ezra Sarpong on February 8, 2015 at 2:57 pm

    Hmmmm. True. My guy has those traits but i still love him . What do i do?

    • Aime on February 8, 2015 at 9:19 pm

      So true. On special days such as Valentine’s day the guy who is not so into you will give some lame general excuse not to celebrate the day with you. Actually the real reason is so that he can appear ‘available and single’ status’ and he probably has another potential interest he is pursuing while he was still with you. Whereas the guy who is genuinely into you will find that these special days a great excuse to date you and pamper you with gifts.

    • Aime on February 8, 2015 at 9:26 pm

      I mean..if it’s hard for u to stop loving ur guy. why not start by taking care of urself first and try planning ur own future as a powerful distraction. Bring ur focus back to urself and ur own well-being at this moment..take good care of urself

      • Ezra Sarpong on February 9, 2015 at 10:10 am

        Thanks so much



  2. Kate's Bookshelf on February 8, 2015 at 5:02 pm

    I like this post. It plays off the book and film “He’s Just Not That Into You” which most of these are related to. I’ve actually had to pay attention to lists like this because it’s easy to get sucked into infatuation with someone without the reciprocation. We all do it on both sides. I’d say this list applies to both men and women, maybe just varying styles. Good post.

  3. Sarah on February 8, 2015 at 10:09 pm

    I dislike how this post condemns generalising in parts, but is based on generalisations. A lot of the advice is pure common sense, and just comes across as condescending. It infantalises women into pointing out the bloody obvious, and patronises men into making them out to be insensitive brutes. My advice – girls/guys, if you like someone- go for it. If you’re so unhappy that you’re reading blogs about ‘Are they into me’, then you’re probably not sure, and you shouldn’t bother.

    Saying that, I am a relationship therapist. Communication difficulties make up a scarily high proportion of my client.

    I’m only dubious because I picked this link up off a guy who alternates between, ‘I respect you and I am the perfect man’, then ‘I am so single and desperate I am willing to break up any and all relationships, and yes you should hook me up with your daughter’, then ‘my perfect woman is 18+ and preferably has all her natural limbs’. Not even kidding.

    @James, I’m not sure if these comments show up publically or not, please feel free to delete it if you don’t want it on here. I’m not not being a dick… but if you advertise as a writer/speaker, please check your spelling and grammar. I’m just saying this because I write myself and appreciate it when someone gives me constructive criticism 🙂 Just remember that you don’t have to punctuate in the same way you speak, although I know it’s tempting. I know with blogs it’s easy to fall into the habit, but it just makes you seem unprofessional.

    • Rachel Ray on February 9, 2015 at 4:05 am

      @Sarah Your actually the unprofessional one… @James please ignore the whole comment above. Carry on…

      • Sarah on February 12, 2015 at 6:11 pm

        I appreciate your feedback, how am I unprofessional? It doesn’t matter anyway, as I’m not a professional blogger, so my writing style is irrelevant.



    • Mellifera on February 9, 2015 at 6:12 am

      Of course this is based on some generalisations. But human beings have some behaviors which are common to a lot of them. Well, for instance I tend to be paranoid ith my relationships. Like I feel none really likes me. Sometimes the gut feeling is so strong I know I’m right but sometimes it’s me being confused and insecure. In this case, in a way I might be able to tell the guy I’m into might be into me too. Elephant Journal makes the same kind of posts, although there are mainly ladies in it. So I don’t think this would be patronising of infantilizing. Plus, lots of people nowadays are confused about what a real relationship should be, and my friends and I have been abused in the past thinking it was normal, and just a passionate relationship. Or stuck in some shitty patterns, where as girls we had to be nurses, moms and girlfriends. And the fact we are so many may prove that there might be something fishy in modern relationships.

      Some of James’ articles make me cringe, especially some about women. As an alt chick, and a feminist, I am pretty annoyed by how the lady must display “class and purity”, as it’s not expected from guys for instance. (Plus I feel if people judge me on how I look on a night they might be pretty shallow.) But there are some very interesting articles about relationships anyway.

  4. Erynn Haskins on February 9, 2015 at 2:55 pm

    These are so true. A man that really is into you will care about your mind, well-being, and will include you in everything. He will appreciate all aspects of who you are and your personality.

  5. Angelica on February 10, 2015 at 8:59 pm

    True. even when your man is a away for a while,my boyfriend in is Thailand now for almost 1 month and he couldn’t even send me 1 message he just read my message on fb without leaving any reply.because “he said to me..he has no cellphone these days???i can’t accept it but i try to understand and control my feelings because i trust him.”) @Aime is right bring back your focus on yourself later on slowly and slowly you can be better..i am so much willing to leave my career and future plan for myself just to be with him yet all of a sudden he turn cold to me. he is a greek and i am a filipina, he is a business man and i am a web developer. i don’t know if he really still valued me in his life.i cannot forget the time he said to me that “you know i like you”..(i know to myself its genuine )..and…”i want to live a simple life”-because he is obviously having sex with any girl for a long time and had sex to a woman 2 weeks when we first met note “he really told me that i didn’t ask him!”. few days before his flight i was shocked he asked me if i am sure to go with him back to greece to work as well in his own company, i said yes?..then i asked him, how about you,would you really like me to go with you? he said yes i do want you to go with me..”i was amazed”… i felt his sincerity during that time.but when i observe our situation now, i don’t. my heart breaks every day.

    is wondering about your status with him is a reg flag/sign that there is really something wrong already.i am afraid to lose him but i have to be strong for my self sake. i have no idea what day hes coming back to Philippines this week and im starting to hate valentines day if he don’t come on or before that day.

    this suddenly came out of my mind… is he going to surprise me on valentines day and hes just pretending he don’t care anymore about me???? is it possible??? he said this week he will come but i have no idea what exact day??? or i am just making a day dream.help me.

  6. jenikaray on February 11, 2015 at 12:41 am

    Reblogged this on Jeni's Journey.

  7. 10 Ways Guys Show We're Just Not That Into You - on February 18, 2015 at 6:24 pm

    […] article originally appeared on James Michael Sama’s Blog. Follow him on Twitter and […]

  8. […] general things to pay attention to when a man is courting you, that may help you realize whether (or not) he is really into you. I hope this insight is helpful, you know, since I’m a man and […]

  9. Jaketanakkarakter on July 4, 2015 at 1:53 am

    Reblogged this on jaketanakanak.

  10. Tantalize on April 8, 2016 at 5:08 am

    Okay…. So I know he loves me, but he doesn’t show it. We rarely talk, but when we do we fight because he doesn’t give me time and he knows it. We rarely meet and when we do, he still looks at me with adoration in his eyes and can’t keep his hands of me. He has to play with my fingers or something.
    He talks to me once in 3 days, because he rarely uses his phone. So does that mean I should ditch him?
    I met him yesterday, asked him to finally just end things, and he said “I can’t. Not till I leave campus. Till then, I need you with me. But get over me.”
    So what should I do?

    • jewelspirit on July 24, 2016 at 10:43 am

      Tantalize: Think about how you would feel if you find out (too late) that you would have met the man of your dreams TODAY – but he thought you were already spoken for by this “man” …..who wants you to “get over him” but not till after he leaves campus?!? My advice: get over him NOW!

      Personally, I’m finally dating the man I should have spent my whole life with, but when we were in our teens I ran off with the wrong guy, because I thought I wasn’t good enough, that the one I KNEW I LOVED could never want me. I know better now, but we’ve lost 35 years, and the chance to have our own children together. The future is bittersweet, and I’m lucky for this much. But it’s difficult to be truly happy….I’m still too mad at myself.

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