One of the things I love about connecting with this website’s readers on social media is that it gives us multiple different platforms to use for great discussions. One of which quite a few of us had last night on my personal Facebook page.
Here is how the conversation started:
I talk to multiple people about the subject every single day, mostly women. This is what I hear:
– Men put in no effort.
– Men don’t want to commit.
– Men don’t know how to communicate.
– Men lie.
– Men disappear when I thought everything was going great.
(In our Facebook conversation, Andrew Bogani pointed out that these will not be the case with the right man).
As you can imagine, the list goes on. Now, I know not everything is the man’s fault but there seem to be consistent complaints from all over the planet. So, what is going on?
Do we not need to try because we can “get what we want” with less effort these days? Do we feel as though the type of women we are finding are not “girlfriend material?”
So, based on some input from our conversation as well as well as my own personal opinions, here are a few reasons why women are having a hard time finding the man they are looking for.
You are looking in the wrong places.
I spent a lot of time in night clubs during my younger years. I did meet some great people there, but I would go frequently because I was in a phase of life where I wanted to have a good time and I was not mentally or emotionally ready to be in a committed relationship. There are exceptions to every rule, but if you frequent bars or clubs and are looking for a serious boyfriend, the crowds you find yourself in may not contain the needle in the haystack you’re hoping to find.
That being said, of course anyone can be anywhere at anytime, but if you are trying to maximize your chances at finding a quality gentlemen, there are probably better places to spend your time.
You aren’t effectively communicating your expectations.
It is no secret that men and women see many things differently. His idea of putting in effort may not be the same as your idea of it, but in his mind he is still trying the best he knows how. This, in addition to plenty of other nuances that men and women do not always share, can bring about unnecessary tension that could easily be avoided if expectations were clearly communicated.
I do my best to help men and women understand each other through my writings, but there are 7 billion different personalities in the world, most of which collide daily – and generalizations can only go so far. No matter how good of a man he is, he will never know what your expectations are if you don’t tell him.
You are dating the wrong type(s) of guys.
Seems obvious, right? This is different from the first point because men of all kinds are in all different places. You could find the right man in a night club or the wrong man in a supermarket. I may ruffle some feathers by saying this because you can’t judge a book by its cover, but let’s just say I often see women complaining about men on Facebook, and are no sooner suddenly in a relationship with a guy who has tattoos all over his face.
All I’m saying is, if you want one thing and go after another, disappointment is likely around the corner.
You are not quite sure who you are yet.
Humor writer Steve Gamlin made a great point during our Facebook discussion, one which I can deeply relate to. While we are all constantly evolving and improving, we do go through phases earlier in life (the age(s) for this are different for everyone of course) that are a little more uncertain. When I was in earlier phases of figuring out myself and my path, I couldn’t have possibly defined what I wanted in a romantic partner because I had not yet defined who I was myself.
A great relationship isn’t just about finding the right partner, it’s also about working to become the right partner in order to attract and give back to the person you are with.
You “give it up” too soon.
I have previously made my position clear on subjects such as sex on the first date. I think if you have developed a connection with a person, truthfully enjoy your time together, and are willing to accept the risk that things still might not work out, you should go ahead and do whatever it is that you two consenting adults want to do with each other.
That being said, I feel this decision should be reserved for those circumstances alone. Giving it up on the first date is much different than giving it up on every first date you go on with every guy and hoping one eventually sticks. If a man does not properly pursue you, and you still jump into bed with him, it is not unreasonable to expect things to fizzle quickly.
You don’t allow him to “be a man.”
When it comes to chivalry and courtship, men have things that we enjoy doing. We enjoy pulling out your chair. We enjoy opening your door. We enjoy the feeling that we are in some way protecting you, even if you don’t need us to. Women should absolutely be independent and in no way need a man in their life, but any self-respecting man will want you to want him, and will not pursue you if he feels as though you are brushing him aside or not reciprocating any of his interest.
Do not allow the idea of the “powerful woman” let you push away the type of man who will put in genuine effort for you. You can still be strong, independent, and confident – while allowing him to contribute to your happiness in his own ways.
You are not showing him enough interest.
I can’t tell you how many times I have backed off from pursuing a woman because I felt as though she just wasn’t interested in me. Whether it be flirting or compliments or a desire to spend time together, if a man does not feel that you are truly interested, it is very likely that he will ease up, and possibly even disappear.
I am obviously not saying to smother anyone nor am I saying to chase after a man, but the unfortunate truth of today’s society, dating apps, social media, and dating websites is: All it takes is the X-ing out of a conversation in order to move on to someone else.
Of course I believe that men should pursue women and that we need to be the ones to put forth the date invite or make plans, but we won’t do any of this if we don’t think you are interested. I know it is difficult to put yourself out there and risking getting hurt or being rejected, but if you want a man in today’s society to pursue you, one of the things you need to do is make it clear to him that you want to be pursued.
You have not clearly defined what you want.
Do you know what you really want in a man? Have you written it down? Have you really thought about it to the point where you can picture him in your head? If you do not have standards or have not set a bar for what you will or will not accept in a partner, it is easy to end up with someone who falls short of what you envisioned for yourself. Often times, women realize this far too late and end up in a negative situation that is very difficult to get out of.
If you’re not quite sure what your Mr. Right looks like, how will you know him when he crosses your path?
Regardless of how this all sounds, I don’t want anyone to think I am putting the blame on a woman for being single (if she doesn’t want to be). But what I am trying to do is bring about a little introspection, as I often do with men in my articles, with the goal of asking yourself if you are really doing what it takes to attract the type of person you want in your life.
Dating is a two way street, and your ship will never come in if you don’t build the dock for it.
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