For as long as I can remember, there has always been a terrible stereotype about girls who “put out” too soon. This could be the first, second, third, or however many dates she personally thinks are “right.”
The words thrown at girls who do this are usually mean and unjustified. I say “usually” because obviously there are women who don’t only put out on the first date, but they put out on every first date. This is much different than acting on a strong connection you feel with someone.
This raises the question: Is it ever “too soon” to spend the night? My answer is:
The more important question here is, what would you rather be more true to? Your own instincts and feelings, or the perception of what others might think of you if they were to find out?
I know of situations where weeks were spent with someone and both partners went their separate ways before things got physical. I also know of situations where things physically escalated quickly, but the flame continued to burn.
I think if you’ve got a true connection with someone – there is really no reason to wait “x” amount of time. As a man, I can confidently say that if I genuinely enjoy a woman’s presence in my life, even if we spend the night together on the first date, why would I not want to continue that and see her again?
Plus, what if you wait too long, develop an emotional attachment, commit to each other, but then find out after that physically, the spark just isn’t there? That could create an even more uncomfortable situation. Physical compatibility is a large piece of the relationship puzzle, and ignoring it for too long will do more harm than good.
There is something that all women should keep in mind if they willingly become intimate with someone and don’t hear from him again: If he doesn’t call, it’s not because of when “it” happened. It’s because he didn’t feel a connection. Of course there is a risk and investment from both the man and the woman that this will be the last time the two of you connect – in order to act on your emotions, you need to be okay with this possibility.
Two consenting adults enjoying each others’ company, is just that. Perpetuating the idea that expressing your natural desires is in some way bad or makes you less of a person, is harmful to us individually and also in our relationships. By no means should we run around and try to take home everyone with two legs – that is neither smart nor safe, but if you feel a genuine connection with a person and want to act on it…
I say, do what you feel is right. But if you feel it’s right every first date with every guy, you may have to raise your standards. Remember, a first date is not the same as a one night stand. A first date means you’ve likely been speaking to someone for a few days or a week prior to when you actually get together. You’ve began to build a connection and learn about each other. This is much different than meeting in a bar and going home with each other.
Some people say it’s not “chivalrous” to be with a woman intimately if you’re not married – but being chivalrous is about being true to your nature and building a relationship based on love and mutual respect. These things mean all different things to different people, and it is never our place to judge another’s definition or what they decide is best for their own life.
Additionally, when you have physical contact with someone your brain releases a hormone called oxytocin. This is almost like a “bonding” agent and creates a stronger connection with the other person. So logically and scientifically you are actually preventing yourself from becoming as close as you can with your partner by ignoring your natural desires.
The next time someone tries to make you feel guilty for living your life differently than they live theirs, remember that being selfish isn’t about living in the way that you choose. Being selfish is about expecting everyone else to live in the way that you choose, too.
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