10 Ways To Know Your Woman Is A Keeper
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We’ve all heard “oh, there are plenty of fish in the sea” when it comes to dating. But, when was the last time you walked into someone’s house to find hundreds of tiny minnows proudly hung along their mantle?
No. You want the catch. You want the one you couldn’t possibly let go. The one you’d do anything to reel in.
So, how do you know you’ve found a keeper? Here are 10 signs to look out for.
She doesn’t look for attention.
The women who don’t look for attention, are precisely the women we should be giving our attention to. Girls who are always looking for compliments or to be noticed, are often insecure and looking to overcompensate. What’s more – is that they’re likely more concerned about their own happiness, than they would be about yours.
Women who are content with their own self confidence and don’t look elsewhere for validation, shine from within and will add to your life. The last thing you need is to be a placeholder for a girl who is just seeking something anyone else can give her. This doesn’t provide any sort of foundation for a solid relationship.
She can hold a conversation.
Believe me – I know how important physical attraction is to a relationship. But, believe me when I say that I also know that it’s not the most important thing, when you’re talking long term.
A woman who truly keeps your attention, makes you excited to see her, or just talk to her – every day – is one worth holding onto. An intelligent, well-spoken, witty, funny woman with killer looks, granted is hard to come by – but, who are you to settle for less than you deserve? Nobody, that’s who.
She is comfortable in any situation.
Let’s face it, when you’re dating somebody, you’re not alone with them all the time. It’s important to be able to live a full life with them by your side. This means family events, outings with friends, double dates, movie nights on the couch…Not to mention, the activities brought forth by similar interests – which you both should have!
I’ve always used the rule of thumb that if you truly like a girl and feel comfortable bringing her to any social event and leaving her alone if you need to go talk to someone or grab a drink – then she gets major bonus points.
She doesn’t start petty arguments.
In a healthy relationship, two people should be able to work out their differences via mature conversation and discussion. This does not mean bringing up nonsensical past issues or dwelling on small events that they’ve been emotionally harboring, waiting for the right time to unleash.
A mature woman won’t throw the past in your face or use it as ammunition against you, especially if she has already forgiven you for your mistakes.
She encourages you.
Even the best accomplishments in life seem to lose their luster when there is nobody to share them with. Your significant other should be one of, if not THE first, people you want to tell exciting news to.
Does your girl get excited about things in your life, even if she doesn’t have personal interest in them? Does she stand behind you, and encourage you to chase your goals and dreams? If so, you have found a teammate worth holding onto.
She’s your sunshine on a gloomy day (and every day).
Do you wake up every morning excited to talk to her? Or to kiss her on the forehead if you’re there together? Does seeing her name pop up on your phone during a rough day make you forget about all of your worries? Does being with her take you into your own world where nothing else matters?
If you said yes to any of the above, hold onto her, man.
She puts in effort for you.
I am all about giving in relationships. Personally, I love to give and do things for my girlfriend. Seeing her happy makes me happy – and I believe if two people both feel that way in a relationship, it will be a success.
Her putting in effort doesn’t have to be much. It can be something as simple as keeping her hair or nails done to look good for you. It’s no secret that sometimes the romance wears off of longer term relationships, but you shouldn’t let it – and neither should she.
If a woman continues to do what she knows attracted you in the first place, even after she got you a long time ago, it shows she cares about keeping you around.
You can laugh together.
Seriously, how big is this one? Simple, but so important. Life can get you down. Work, bills, obligations – your relationship shouldn’t be something on that list. Your girlfriend should also be your best friend who you can do anything with, and have fun doing it.
If they drag you down, it’s time for a change.
You can cry together.
Not everything is sunshine and rainbows. Times get tough, things get hard, and we all need a support system.
Is she there for you when you need her? Are you there for her? If your support is not reciprocated by her, then you need to find someone who understands the importance of your feelings, too.
You have similar views for the future.
I know man, the future is way off. It’s a scary place, but it’s still there. If you’re in a solid, committed relationship, it’s important to understand where both of you see yourselves, and the relationship – going.
Does she want a ring within a year? A baby? Dude…are you ready for that? If you’re not – what makes you think that she will forget all about it and that your relationship will coast through time without it being an issue?
Compromise is key. The future of your life cannot be dictated by someone else, but it can be affected by them – and working together to find what makes you both happy in the long run, is key.
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Also, don’t forget to check out 10 Ways To Know You’re Dating A Real Man.
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Nice…
I found your post among the top wordpress posts for today! You seem to be an expert! Yes, now I am a follower!
Love the Donna and Harvey suits reference haha classic. Great Read too by the way
What’s up James,
While I think your blog post sounds “correct” at first glance, I would just challenge you to look at each one of the 10 things you posted and analyze them through the lens of “self.”
She makes you feel this way
She gives you that
She adds this to you
She never would do this
She won’t, etc…
A lot of what you said makes it seem, to me, as if I should be looking for someone who gives me the most “utilitarian value.” As in, she does enough of these things to warrant my love, affection and long term commitment. That’s how I know to put all my chips on the table. She is / does these things = I will respond by loving her forever.
Far be it from me, a single 20 something, to define what love should look like with a generalization or sweeping statement. But more than anything, you should want to serve the woman you marry, not be served first and foremost. Service breeds service. Expectation of certain requirements needing to be met to elicit love will in turn bring the same requirement on you.
My personal view is that because I am living for God, because of who He is intrinsically, I can serve, love, communicate, honor, sacrifice and die to myself, be use through His Son Jesus’ death, He did those things first. I am following a model. So in love, and longstanding relationships, should we not first be what we desire to have? I can love my future wife, God willing, because Christ loved me. I can serve because I have been served. I can take my selfishly motivated desires to “get” something from the girl I marry off the list of requirements.
If this girl you’re describing exists, you marry her, and she becomes paralyzed and unable to do what she used to do, are you still going to love her? Is your love for that girl about you getting something, or out of a covenant that you’re going to be there no matter what.
All of this is trivial in the perspective of “what truth is.” Because how you define this love is a lot less important to me than how you define what your life is meant for. That’s a question I would love, in respect, to get an answer from you on.
Hi Christian,
Your perspective is interesting to me because as an atheist I have no entity to ‘serve’ but those around me and those who I love.
That being said, I understand where you’re coming from – but I don’t necessarily mean this in a “if she does this, it’s ok to love her” sort of way. Contrarily, I do feel that these actions are things that signify someone who cares for you and is willing to do things for you, as you are for them, which is important.
Please excuse my immediately ability to respond fully as I am on-site working an event but I will get you a better answer when I can.
Your time reading and responding to this article is much appreciated.
Best,
– JMS
If you read the counterpart “10 ways to know your man is a keeper”, that is also in the lens of “self” from a female perspective…
Christian,
I am a Christian who has been married for many years. I had the same belief as you but trust me the things James is speaking of are valuable in “helping” you find your spouse. If the woman you are dating is not putting on an act these traits are all good. I will add that you need to be willing to serve her also. James does point that out in his article also.
I don’t think there should be a separate list of what a good man and woman is. They are both the same. Though I do agree with your general idea of what a healthy relationship is, there are small aspects that I have a problem with. For instance, “Her putting in effort doesn’t have to be much. It can be something as simple as keeping her hair or nails done to look good for you.” Who says that 1) doing her hair and nails every so often isn’t “much.” It costs a lot of time and money to look so good. 2) You’re focusing on vanity. A woman who feels she needs to look good all the time “for her man” would not be her own person or have the confidence to do those things for HERSELF, nor would she NOT be looking for attention most likely. However, I do agree that “If a woman continues to do what she knows attracted you in the first place, even after she got you a long time ago, it shows she cares about keeping you around” to an extent. I only have a problem with the example you chose because it pertains to superficiality. Though I do get your point, a woman can keep your interest if she continues to be herself. I guess if herself was someone that did her hair and nails every week, then sure, I guess that applies, but beauty is fleeting, personality is not.
Christian, your thoughts are the most noteworthy on this page. It is very rare to see a spiritual, well thought response from seemingly a loyalist. Not many people have the slightest clue what loyalty really means or takes their vows seriously.
Christian,
I feel like a lot of what you’re saying only sounds insightful, but you seem to lack real substance. You’ve cast doubt, but you haven’t really countered anything that was said. You simply questioned it. Maybe I missed your point, but unless your point was that we should blindly serve the person we marry without consideration for ourselves in any way, then I missed it. And while blind servitude seems to appeal to some as a righteous path, I don’t personally agree with it. Next time please propose your own definitions.
Additionally, I do not see how someone being paralyzed would keep them from performing any of the listed topics. It might make it difficult for a person to “Put effort into you” but it certainly wouldn’t be impossible. Not to mention, some of the things you’ve said make no sense. Being loved is not a manual for receiving love. And being served is not a guide for how to serve. Children soak up love and then turn around to do awful things all of the time. Kings would make horrible servants.
I think this list is a far better way of selecting your life partner than what you propose. You seem to think that it is shallow to look for the utility in your partner, and I even think you were suggesting that your wife should be selected by god – as if part of some master plan. Well I feel like I will be much happier disagreeing with you, but I do wish you the best of luck with the way you’ve decided to live your life.
raharu – spectacular comment.
I totally agree with you. God bless. 🙂
Love what you said! He seems to say stay away from women who need this or that and then talks about his needs and how the woman should fill those needs! Great point you made!
Uh, did you read my other article about “10 ways to know you’re dating a real man” ? It’s the exact opposite and talks about woman’s needs.
The title of the article dictates the subject matter. If you want an article that doesn’t talk about a man’s perspective in a relationship, don’t read one with that as a subject.
Holy crap, Christian, MARRY ME. I am also in my twenties with the EXACT same views as you. Marriage is first and foremost a representation of Christ and the church.
Kik = Starfire90
For the love of God contact me…
Shut up psycho ! You will never get the right one … Even it would be the Saint Teressa.
“He puts in effort for you” should also be on the 10 Ways To Know You’re Dating A Real Man. Why should only women have to keep trim and terrific? Men should look after themselves too. I find the fact that this made the women’s list and not the men’s list sexist. Women should dress/exercise/eat to make themselves feel good, if a man enjoys it then that’s a secondary benefit.
I agree. It is in both articles.
– JMS
My husband said what attracted him to me was that I was smart and funny and could hold “an intellectual conversation.” It’s funny, because that’s the exact same thing that attracted me to him! The fact that we both think each other looks smokin’ hot is an extra plus, although I’m sure if you saw either one of us you’d think we were average at best. I like how you emphasized that looks aren’t the most important thing–after all, beauty fades, but personality just gets stronger. 🙂
Interesting that the article relating to males says “10 ways to know you’re dating a real MAN” but then it says to read “10 ways to know your GIRL is a keeper”. A girl does not equal a woman just as a boy does not equal a man.
That couldn’t possibly be further from how I meant it.
I’ll change it to say woman, mmkay?
This is petty. You are one of those that gets offended by someone calling you a “girl” instead of a “lady” or “woman” aren’t you?
I agree with Rachel here, that is awfully petty. I view his term “girl” as a term of endearment. I’ve heard my husband comment before to someone and say “that’s my girl.” It was said in a proud way. He was proud to call me his and it made me smile to myself when I heard it. It wasn’t meant to imply I’m not a woman or a lady. James, very nice article and I think great points for people to keep in mind if they have or haven’t found that “keeper” yet.
I hate being called a girl. That doesn’t make me petty; it simply means that I think beyond words themselves. Try calling a man a boy and see how he likes it, Ms. Bodine. Some people don’t think anything of being called a girl, and then some people are feminists. 🙂
I think it has a lot to do with the way that – boy, guy, man – and – girl, lady, woman – are used. Lady has never gotten to the same level of usage that guys has (forgive me if another common term for referring to a woman or women has escaped me). At nearly 30 most of my female friends refer to themselves as “the girls”, and the males of our social group are most commonly referred to as “the guys”, although occasionally it will be “the boys”. I rarely hear about “ladies night”, I do hear about “girls night”, and never “woman’s night”.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that girl has entered into common usage as a term for referencing any female, the negative connotations of it have been subsumed by it’s usage, and woman often has a more formal feel to it. On the contrary, I find that the differentiation between boy and man has a definite negative stigma. A boy is certainly not a man, whereas a girl can be a woman.
The differences may be in the differing maturity rates of men and women. Or perhaps it has to do with the fact that the shift from girl to woman is associated with a physical maturity, whereas for men it is associated with the shirking of adolescence, the acceptance of responsibility and emotional maturity. Likely this is a result of language coping poorly with societal change. At one time a boy became a man when he took responsibility, was able to look after his family etc… but a girl simply ‘became’ a woman. As women’s roles have changed, so to must our view of when a girl becomes a woman, just as it did for when a boy becomes a man.
Sorry for the marathon.
I agree this is petty. While you are analyzing the titles and being nit-picky, how about the fact that the counterpart to “a REAL man” is “a keeper”. Notice the difference? Using “a REAL woman”, would mean that a woman must be held to certain criteria or else not be worthy womanhood. Is it unacceptable criticize women that way? Why the double-standard?
The articles focus on different things because men and women are different. You could also point out that this article doesn’t include the word respect but its counterpart says multiple times that a real man must treat a woman with respect.
The other article uses “boy” as derogatory. However, the reality is that many people do not see “girl” as derogatory. It’s used as a friendly or neutral term. It is the counterpart to “guy”, which can be equated with “man”.
Yet instead of petty complaints, maybe we should just take the useful things from the article and try to apply them. I assume that is the author’s intent.
I think you could honestly combine the articles into one giant “Things a Grown Up Human Significant Other Will Do for You.”
This gendered stuff is just…weird. Any of your subheads, from either article, could apply to either man or woman. Some men create petty arguments, while some “real women” are incredibly direct.
Another example: “Is comfortable in every situation” doesn’t feel fair. There are millions of extroverts in the world, both male and female. What if both sides of the couple aren’t comfortable “in any situation?”
That’s a really good point about the introverts – I suppose there are only so many levels deep I went with this in terms of exceptions.
There will, as we know, always be exceptions to every rule. I didn’t mean to exclude anyone, I was just speaking generally on the subject and listed things that came to min. Meant no offense.
– JMS
Thank you so much for that comment.
It feels like he’s asking me to be superhuman. I agree with the principles, but I’m not always going to be comfortable in every situation.
A real man will accept that, and react accordingly. I really think the best relationship is one you can be weak in–and that’s the opposite of the superhuman strength he’s asking for.
I’m going to crave attention. I’m not always going to be confident. And I need a man who can work through my issues with me, just as I would work through his with him.
I meant “introverts.”
This one sucks. Your male one was awesome, but this is what is exactly wrong with how men see women. You have a lot about how she is in a relationship with a focus on “him” vs the male one which is a lot about who he is as a person. She doesn’t start arguments, she is your sunshine, she puts effort in to you, she encourages you….weak sauce. You need to go deeper! WAY WAY deeper. You should rethink this, really. You could think of some gems! I can think of one to start. You know you are dating a real women when she is independent, but can be vulnerable with you. I’ll give you another one: You know you are dating a real women when she invests in her life, makes her own money, handles her own money, and doesn’t give up career or sense of independence for you…..
Completely agree with this sentiment. This list reads like “Things Women Should Always Do For Men”. On the point about “Putting In Effort for You”, I was really hoping it would go over just showing common decency and respect as a human being. Supporting their current and ongoing life goals. But nope, it was about keeping your nails did and your face plastered in makeup.
Petty and offensive.
This post was nowhere near about keeping your nails done and putting on makeup all the time. Did you even read the rest of the post? Sounds like you just stopped at “nails.” And I hate to break it to ya, but keeping up your looks IS important! If you start dating and you always have your nails done, always have makeup on, always dressed nicely, then all of the sudden you look like you just got out of a hot yoga class 24/7, it says “we are committed now, so I don’t have to do all that crap anymore.”….it says you don’t care. Do you have to do it all the time? No, absolutely not, but just a small gesture of taking the 15 minutes to paint your nails means more to your man than you know. Definitely worth the 15 minutes. I don’t understand how anyone can be offended by this post.
YES!!!
Rachel – thanks for truly understanding the point. 🙂
Completely agree. I liked a lot of the other articles on this blog, then got to this one and read it and felt devastated. I consider myself a pretty great girlfriend but holy cow, there’s no way I could live up to all of these, all of the time!
Part of being vulnerable is being able to cry with one another, which he mentions. I doubt he means “cry over the season finale of The Office” (which I did, by the way)…but cry because a family member is dying, cry because you feel like your life has hit a dead end. You can’t just read the very surface of this post. If you actually think about it, you’ll understand it goes deeper.
this is my personal attempt at going way way deeper 🙂
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/dana-clark/personal-growth_b_3335293.html
jingerred your comment is completely off-base. Most of the “real man” article is about treating the woman with respect – respecting her goals, not trying to change who she really is, trusting her, being direct with her. It’s all about focus on her.
Just curious, Does anyone have an idea how can i get in contact with James??
Depends if this is for a good reason, or if it’s to call me an idiot, as many have lol.
i love you for this one. 😀
James, I think the problem is that most men have this kind of “list” in mind and many don’t see the inherent sexism going on. I began dating a guy who outwardly was fantastic- had been working for 13 years in the same field as I do [nonprofit development] and who I could tell was very passionate about it. He liked and respected my views and stance as an independent woman and valued the equality in our budding relationship, but that thin ruse crumbled quickly as it became apparent he wanted a woman to “do” for him while he failed to go even slightly out of his way when I needed something. Case in point: we’d been dating for a few months and a work obligation came up- there was a conference a couple of hours away and I was riding with a coworker. The place she wanted to meet me was a public parking lot, and I felt uncomfortable leaving my car there for such an extended period of time. I asked him to drop me off in the morning- it would have required him to get up about an hour earlier, but the spot was close to his house, so he technically could have gone back to bed for a bit before work if he wanted. He flatly refused to do so, and thus put the first seed of doubt in my head about his willingness to go out of his way, even a little, for me in the relationship. [This was after I had just adjusted a week’s worth of obligations to be able to spend time with him at his request.] There were more issues than this, but it was the overarching theme of “I’m gonna do what I want- if it works with what you’re doing, great, if not, oh well” it was caused me to break up with him. There is compromise on *both* sides in a relationship; women don’t exist to serve men. Even the most outwardly “progressive” men become sexist to a degree once you get to know them….it’s been hardwired through our society. Take the author of this article for instance…he probably considers himself very progressive and at first glance may come off that way, but when he pens something like this where every bullet on the list is some way a woman can serve a man, it becomes painfully clear that’s not the case.
You want it from a woman’s POV? Here goes- your list, rewritten:
1. She gets attention- for all the right reasons: her work, her philanthropy, etc. and is proud of the results of her hard work. If she brings up her accomplishments and you think it’s “bragging”, perhaps she has a right to brag and perhaps you’re jealous? It’s silly to think a woman can’t get attention and be proud of it.
2. Her conversations stimulate and challenge you and your current mode of thinking. She causes you to rethink, ponder, pause, and reflect. [Note I left out any reference to her physical appearance because…duh.] I think most humans can “have” a conversation…but is it a conversation worth having? And if you’re demanding such a stimulating conversation from a woman, take a listen to yourself once in a while and see if you’re a decent conversationalist yourself!
3. She verbalizes her level of comfort in any situation and can respectfully excuse herself from any social obligation you make on her behalf. If I were to go to a social event of my boyfriend’s friends, of whom I know exactly no one, and he leaves me to fend for myself for an extended amount of time, that’s rude. Perhaps after you’ve hung out with “the gang” a few times, but first time? No, that’s just basic social etiquette. That’s awesome if your date is super charming and extroverted but it shouldn’t be a mark on your mental tally of her ‘faults’ if she’s not. She’s just human.
4. She has the strength to disagree with you and be clear about her expectations and disappointments in the relationship and not accept anything less than her personal standard from you. If that’s seen as “causing petty fights”, perhaps there should be a reexamination of who’s the immature one.
5. She challenges you. She will call you on your bullshit, let you know when you’re being slack at work and that’s why your boss is riding your ass, and isn’t afraid to be blunt with you…otherwise known as “keeping it real”. I would rather a partner be real with me than simply “support me” with some fake, “Oh, no…no, she didn’t. That’s awful…I’m sure you did the right thing,” while thinking the opposite. If you’re both adults, why can’t she call you on your BS before your boss does…with a pink slip? You only included the positives of “support”; basically being your cheerleader when you accomplish something. There’s a lot of work that goes into accomplishing anything worth anything, and you need a realistic partner who can hold you accountable and call you on your shit in order to push you to be your best. You skipped that whole part.
6. She makes you want to think of ways to make HER smile. She makes you want to go out of your way to improve the relationship. “She’s your sunshine”….what are we, eight? No woman is there to be your cheerleader. If she’s your MUSE, treat her accordingly and think of ways you can be HER sunshine.
7. She is a healthy, well-rounded individual who puts forth an appropriate amount of time and energy into the relationship, the time and effort you are also reciprocating in equal portion. She looks how she wants to look for her own health, happiness, and comfort, and is mentally and emotionally stable.
8. You can laugh together….OK, I’ll give you that one. That’s a good basis for any friendship and relationship.
9. You are both emotionally secure and can appropriately and comfortably display emotion with one another depending on your personal level of comfort and intimacy. If she doesn’t want to cry with you, respect that. Some people don’t want to cry around anyone, ever….it’s a very personal thing. You respect her space and she should respect yours.
10. You have similar views of the future….also agree with you here, but your verbage of assuming women want marriage and babies…hahaha yeah right. Most young women I know want nothing to do with babies and being committed at a young age. But yes, your general life goals should pretty much align in a good relationship.
Just my input, as a woman. 🙂
1 – “Girls who are always LOOKING for compliments or to be noticed, are often insecure and looking to overcompensated”
First off, there is HUGE difference between a person who took a selfie with a bikini on 101 times last week and someone who is saving kids in Somalia.
For you to not be able to distinguish the 2, shows you are either being purposely ingenious or the chip on your shoulder has completely prevented you from seeing the point ( attention seekers are not keepers ).
2 – “I think most humans can “have” a conversation…but is it a conversation worth having? And if you’re demanding such a stimulating conversation from a woman, take a listen to yourself once in a while and see if you’re a decent conversationalist yourself!”
So basically, you have absolutely no point to contend here. You cant disagree that being able to hold a stimulating conversation is an important factor.
The author is basically saying, that we dont want Kelly Bundy, we want Olivia Pope ( or at least someone on her intellectual level ).
3 – “This means FAMILY EVENTS, outings with FRIENDS, DOUBLE DATES, movie nights on the couch…Not to mention, the activities brought forth by similar interests – which you both should have!”
Where did he say he was leaving you alone with people you have never seen in your life. Why would you assume the worst case scenario?
4 – She doesn’t start petty arguments.
In a healthy relationship, two people should be able to work out their differences via mature conversation and discussion. This does not mean bringing up NONSENSICAL past issues or dwelling on SMALL events that they’ve been emotionally harboring, waiting for the right time to unleash.
of course, somewhere you read that to mean “She has the strength to disagree with you and be clear about her expectations and disappointments in the relationship and not accept anything less than her personal standard from you.”
Because bringing up that time I didnt throw out the garbage or mow the lawn up when I ask you to bring home some milk on a Friday night is not starting a petty argument ! you are clearly displaying your strength to disagree !
What strong disagreement muscles she must have !!!
5 – She encourages you.
somehow you take a note on encouragement and support to going on a rant about challenging.
“You only included the positives of “support”; basically being your cheerleader when you accomplish something. There’s a lot of work that goes into accomplishing anything worth anything, and you need a realistic partner who can hold you accountable and call you on your shit in order to push you to be your best. You skipped that whole part.”
Note: You didnt disagree with encouragement one bit. You had NOTHING to say about it. I guess a woman ENCOURAGING her man isnt really important lol but “challenging him” sure is !!!
Criticism and Correction – YAY !
Positive reinforcement – ehhh not so much
AKA – this means that we ONLY hear complaints from you…
good luck with keeping a man happy with that one !
6 – “No woman is there to be your cheerleader. If she’s your MUSE, treat her accordingly and think of ways you can be HER sunshine.”
So you cant be our cheerleaders, but we can be yours !!!
LMAO
9 – You are both emotionally secure and can appropriately and comfortably display emotion with one another depending on your personal level of comfort and intimacy. If she doesn’t want to cry with you, respect that. Some people don’t want to cry around anyone, ever….it’s a very personal thing. You respect her space and she should respect yours.
10 – Yes, most women under 30 are not ready to trade in their current lifestyle for the married with children lifestyle.
there is a point in many a woman’s life, where they begin to look at men in the view of whether he is a good potential father/husband or not.
I love hearing this response. It just goes to show how difficult it is to have how-to’s like this or who we should be. It’s so different for each relationship and people involved. Relationships work for lots of reasons, and some are even unfortunately successful because of inequality. Women, men, transgender, we’re all working towards improvement that fits our own individual lives….not something as specific as a list of points, even if they are great points.
Although I don’t know you personally, from what you described with your current break up, it sounds like there may have been some selfishness on both your parts. Both you and the gentlemen described seemed to be looking for who would go out of their way for the other first. He may have also been putting you through the exact same test in which you put him of “will she go out of her way and understand and value my time also”? Guys do that too, especially more so now, believe it or not.
There’s a lot at play in relationships, too much for how to be this woman, how to be this man… It’s getting just a tad ridiculous….
I completely agree with every one of your points, Melissa~ do you have a blog?
they’re = their*
also, is it not contradicting that you say women should not seek attention or want compliments but she be keeping up appearances (hair and nails) and putting in effort for her LOOKS FOR YOU. Hmmm… How does keeping up appearances FOR YOU not mean she wants YOUR ATTENTION? Otherwise why would she bother? Oh bless me it couldn’t possible be for her own health, comfort, and self-confidence?! of course not. All of that part is just contradictory and superficial. This is horrifically sexist.
You cant tell the difference between someone keeping up their appearences and someone seeking attention???
no difference between doing your nails, getting a pedicure, getting your hair done…
and wearing the shortest skirt possible, showing as much cleavage as possible and posting as many raunchy pictures on instagram/facebook as possible?
Like many women nowadays, you dont like being called out on ur BS nor being challenged.
and because the caveman of yesteryear was like that, it justifies you being like that now.
Good luck with that
Okay first of all can you stop being all like so shocked???? It’s making me a little worried for you and there’s a funny little high pitched voice in my head whenever I see people do this???
You need to calm yourself down and possibly think with your brain before you start accusing people of things. It just makes an ass out of you (and me). You know nothing about me nor whatever kind of “BS” you say I am divulging so please get off your high horse and stop assuming shit. I am not the type of show off cleavage / wear short skirts / etc. and it’s rude of you to assume so just because you’re threatened I am challenging YOU? So now you’re degrading women because they dress the way they want to dress just to make your point? Wow. Nice.
There are lots of people who view those type of treatments (hair nails etc) as seeking for attention or being high maintenance. I’m not saying that’s MY viewpoint, I’m just saying that could be how some people view it. But my point is that the whole “makes an effort” point shouldn’t even be made if a previous point was to find someone who is not attention seeking. So what if “the thing” that attracted you to the person in the first place was the fact that they showed off their cleavage and/or dressed in other “Raunchy” ways? So they’re supposed to “keep up the efforts” in that way? But you’re saying at the same time they’re seeking attention? What is a girl to do? Do you see my drift here? It’s just a bunch of contradictory bullshit that has way too many loopholes/different sides/issues to it and can’t be put so plainly like that. Either way I think that example of vanity for “putting in effort” is pretty superficial and unneeded. They could have used a much better example such as some quirk you liked about your partner or some great personality trait they have. It would have warranted a more positive reaction from me and other readers.
Like many men nowadays you don’t like being challenged in your opinion and your thoughts. Because you know, your opinion is the end all, be all right? 🙂 And as soon as someone disagrees with you, you start calling them names and assuming you know all these things about them and being utterly rude to them?
Also other things that irked me: pedicure = nails.
&
cant = can’t*
Correct punctuation is really attractive! 😉
If you can’t stop assuming things and calling people names (one of the biggest fallacies of logical reasoning) then maybe you shouldn’t be hopping around in the interwebs pretending you’re the defender of justice. A huge, fat ego is not very attractive.
Good luck with that.
♥
>Okay first of all can you stop being all like so shocked???? It’s >making me a little worried for you and there’s a funny little high >pitched voice in my head whenever I see people do this???
Waiting for content…
>You need to calm yourself down and possibly think with your brain >before you start accusing people of things.
Accusing people of things?
The man made a general reference to women seeking attention, and you chose to attach something as simple as doing your nails as “seeking attention”
What’s next? Brushing your teeth?
>It just makes an ass out of you (and me). You know nothing about me >nor whatever kind of “BS” you say I am divulging so please get off >your high horse and stop assuming shit.
Ummm all i did was critique what you said, which was ironically an ASSUMPTION of what the term “seeking attention means”
YOU chose to attach something as simple as doing your nails/hair with seeking attention.
That’s putting words in the author’s mouth. I called you out on it.
>I am not the type of show off cleavage / wear short skirts / etc. and >it’s rude of you to assume so …
Point the part out where I accuse you of showing cleavage/short skirts. I was just showing different examples of seeking attention that dont include doing your nails, brushing your hair or your teeth.
>just because you’re threatened I am challenging YOU?
Threatened?
You’re an anonymous “Ace” on the internet. The only thing you can threaten is your computer if you spill some juice on it. or maybe your keyboard if you bang on it too hard, which I am suspecting is what is going on here. You havent challenged anything here.
>So now you’re degrading women because they dress the way they >want to dress just to make your point? Wow. Nice.
So saying that someone who dresses half-naked and/or has 101 selfies a week on instagram is an attention-seeker is a form of degradation !
LMAO
>There are lots of people who view those type of treatments (hair nails etc) as seeking for attention or being high maintenance. I’m not saying that’s MY viewpoint, I’m just saying that could be how some people view it.
It’s not your viewpoint, but why have you assumed it belonged to the author ?
>But my point is that the whole “makes an effort” point shouldn’t even >be made if a previous point was to find someone who is not attention >seeking.
If a girl brushes her teeth so her breath does not smell like death in the morning when we kiss, she isnt seeking attention but she is putting an effort.
If she washes her feet so they dont smell like a barn, its not seeking attention, hell its probably the opposite ! she doesnt want ( negative ) attention. She is STILL putting effort .
>So what if “the thing” that attracted you to the person in the first place >was the fact that they showed off their cleavage and/or dressed in >other “Raunchy” ways? So they’re supposed to “keep up the efforts” >in that way? But you’re saying at the same time they’re seeking >attention? What is a girl to do?
This was addressed here
A real man values more than just your looks.
Is every compliment from him about a different body part? It doesn’t matter how creative he can be, if a guy’s sole focus is on how you look, or ‘talking dirty,’ see it as a red flag. A real man will value your personality, your kindness, your intelligence, and who you are as a person, in general. The things he makes you feel good about will be things that you control, not just results of getting lucky in the gene pool.
>Like many men nowadays you don’t like being challenged in your >opinion and your thoughts. Because you know, your opinion is the >end all, be all right? 🙂 And as soon as someone disagrees with you, >you start calling them names and assuming you know all these things >about them and being utterly rude to them?
Point out the part where I was calling you names
Its one thing to disagree and have facts. When you start injecting stuff that didnt exist to support a point you dont have. You get called out on it. Next time come correct.
>Also other things that irked me: pedicure = nails.
>&
>cant = can’t*
>Correct punctuation is really attractive! 😉
Awesome !
Did you grade your boyfriend’s love letters too ?
>If you can’t stop assuming things and calling people names (one of >the biggest fallacies of logical reasoning)
Again, please point to the part where I called you a “name”
>then maybe you shouldn’t be hopping around in the interwebs >pretending you’re the defender of justice.
Awesome, I’m known for being humble, but I suppose if I tell you that I’m bragging.
If airing out how bad your retort was in a public forum makes you feel bad, maybe you should consider taking a debating course after you are done with your English class.
>A huge, fat ego is not very attractive.
LMAO
im just gonna leave that alone.
Since this discussion started with “doing nails”, what sort of level of “doing nails” are we talking about? I cut and file mine, and keep them tidy. I never get them done in a salon, because it is way more expensive than brushing your teeth. I think that’s why the other commenter said it might be perceived as “attention seeking” behaviour.
I think everyone is taking that single line in the article and running way too far with it. I said “It could be something as simple as” … which does not say “girls, make sure you always have your nails done perfectly, this is very important.”
It was said to illustrate a point – something small goes a long way, and nails was an example I gave to help get the point across. Simple as that.
great post! Added you to my blog reader 🙂
You can’t expect any girl to be ‘the sunshine of your day’ every day; everyone has bad days and every couple fights. If you don’t fight ever, then you’re either idolizing each other too much or turning a blind eye to your problems, both of which are unhealthy for any relationship. And you want her to care more about your happiness than her own? While romantic in fairy tails, that’s ridiculously unhealthy in real life. If you want a confident, secure girl, then you want one who loves herself and puts herself first. No one is responsible for your happiness except yourself. Also, no one is comfortable ‘in any situation’, not one single person, so if that’s what you’re looking for then you’re in for a very long and lonely life.
You are making a TON of assumptions here. He didn’t say a woman has to be this way every second of every day forever and ever amen. He also didn’t say a woman should think about her man above herself all the time. Not once. Not ever. I would encourage you to read the words he wrote, and leave out the words you’re putting in his mouth.
You are too funny. These responses are something else.
Kristy I agree no one is responsible for happiness except yourself, but the rest of what you wrote, I’m on a different page.
How can you idolize someone too much? Maybe you don’t belive in fairy tale romances…then you won’t have one! If you both care about each others happiness more than your own……..you’ll both walk on air. A confident, secure girl doesn’t have to put herself first-it could be a charity, homeless, environment or partner. A selfish girl..or guy.. has to put themselves first.
Good luck
Aww this was really cute, James! 🙂
It’s articles like this, and the true belief and conviction that the authors have that is the real problem with society. People (women in particular) are constantly measured by their peers, suitors, coworkers, and society at large by such shallow and vapid metrics as put forth here. Women grow up having to conform and strive to meet absurd requirements of looks, demeanor and personality…all the while dodging the scumbags and cheaters that slither around them. It’s great that in their adult life they can look forward to guys like you keeping track of them on a score card as you would a round of golf. There’s nothing like feeling like your partner is grading your personality like the SAT. Sounds like someone is in what they consider their first successful relationship…
Woah, to all the Vitriol here. Man just gave his opinion and explanation behind it. if you like it take it (which i am, good job JMS, fist bump/hi five), If you don’t RESPECTFULLY disagree, calling someone and idiot, sexist,stupid,etc. Isn’t really conducive to a intellectual conversation and only serves to incite others.
Exactly my thoughts. There are a lot of people I would avoid in life in here because they apparently can’t live without some drama lol. My girlfriend and I hold true to what a lot of what James is saying. We both go out of our way to make each other happy. I believe in a lot of what the author says.
Thanks guys – I appreciate the support. I’ve learned over time it’s impossible to please everyone. I just go through the negative comments, approve them so they show on the site and these people can display their ignorance, and then move on and forget what they even said.
I find it to be effective.
– JMS
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Everything you’re saying is quite true…in a surreal world. I’m all of those 10 things , just by being me, but somehow, it goes unnoticed and un appreciated. Women get tired of being “nice.”
[…] this type is what kind of gal : 10 Ways To Know Your Woman Is A Keeper | James Michael Sama 7K or DO ? __________________ […]
NUMBER 1 WAY…SHE IS A VIRGIN 😉
Ok ok ok… I think many of us need to step back, and back away from the keyboard slowly…
Let’s not forget that this is a WordPress blog. That’s right, a blog. A medium in which an individual can share his or her thoughts or opinions. James wrote a great article, and i’m sure it was written in the spirit of sharing some positivity.
In all honesty, it’s pretty easy to read the article and take what is relevant to you and your life away from it. If you don’t agree with certain elements, then so be it. There really is no need to dissect and over analyse the article and bring sexism and inequality etc. into the picture. All that does is taint a positive article with the ugly paint of the flaws of the world around us, which we all already know exists. No need to bring it to the article and recontextualise it uneccessarily.
Scrolling down the comments, I was saddened that so many people were simply waiting to put their PC Police sirens on, essentially subtracting any innocent positivity from the article and inserting their own brand of tut-tut teachings and cynical views directly into it.
Sometimes, just sometimes, it’s ok to simply have a read, take what you will from an article, and just move on. There’s a time and place for everything. You don’t need to teach an author of a blog what is right and what is wrong, according to you.
Thank you James for a great article. I will be sharing this with friends and suggesting to them that they avoid reading the comments 🙂
Peace,
Jeremy
Sydney Australia
Well said Jeremy.
yes i like what you wrote and made the point count with my wife on both lists, we score 9/10 each!
He forgot to write the most important point.
She doe not exist!!!
With the right man, she exists.
Thanks for such a great read and I love all the characteristics you’ve listed. One of my favorites is someone who can hold a conversation. It’s nice to find someone with substance and someone that can keep it interesting rather than all looks. I read this and loved it because it relates to my post on 10 ways to know your relationship is exceptional.
Someone shared your link and I’m glad I read it, because now I’m definitely following you. Let me know if you ever get a change to visit my blog.
Great blog post! (Loved the one about men, as well.) If you are with the right man, doing these things is EASY. Everything takes work, of course, but this is fun work. If you find yourself saying “this is impossible” you are either with the wrong man, lazy, or not actually reading what he wrote.
I don’t mean to stalk you, but you just keep reading my mind. Lol. None of these things are hard to do…. and I don’t see the issue in doing them. I’m really lost regarding these responses.
Love it!!
True love doesn’t run out or get old. It ages like fine wine. So before your time is up, find someone that saves you the sunshine and doesn’t relish in the rain and pain.
Great post, and well said. True love is a marathon, not a sprint, both parties need to be ready and fuel each other for the ride. It’s the little things, kisses goodnight, open communication every day, taking care of yourself so you can care for others (physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally). Thank you for reminding me of what I sought, and perhaps found.
[…] post, I should also add, will be focusing on this post on WordPress. I will focus on each point the author makes, offering rebuttal […]
Appreciate the effort in sharing the wisdom. However, a few lines in and “they’re own happiness”… Seriously?
You *are* trying to write a semi-professional article that people can refer to. Reclaim your dignity and credibility and fix that second grade error!
WOW! Thank you for catching this! I can’t believe I didn’t notice it.
Fixing it now, thanks again.
– JMS
2 reasons I don’t like this article.
1. The part about the attention isn’t very fair. Women need different levels of attention based on their personalities, not on their self-esteem. I am a needy person in both my relationships and my friendships, that doesn’t mean that I am insecure.
2. Make an effort just by “looking good for your man”? Really? My man likes me the way I look naturally, even if my nails aren’t done or my hair is in a messy pony tail. That is a horrible example, and quite frankly, it offended me as a woman. It’s like saying, “your job is just to look nice” which contradicts what you wrote earlier about a girl who can hold a conversation.
I really think you need to step back and think hard about how you word and phrase things. This article came out sounding borderline chauvinistic, in my opinion. I do find you to be an intelligent writer however, and I look forward to reading more posts.
YES.
Allow me to retort: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/seth-adam-smith/marriage-isnt-for-you_b_4209837.html
Also, if she’s keeping her appearance up with a six week old that better mean you’re getting up every time she has to breastfeed, changing diaper for diaper and do way more house work than you *ever* anticipated. Cheers!
[…] was just reading this article and only made it halfway before I decided to stop reading and write about it (I read to the end […]
that was gay…
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Wow! Am I missing something? I cannot believe how much opposition this article is getting. Women are responding as if you are saying we should be Barbies. I don’t know about other women, but if I have a good man I would want to compliment his life and be a beacon of his happiness (given he is also happy with himself). Women are really upset about the hair and nails thing (when it was just an example in the first place), but I cannot tell you how many times men have noticed and complimented me on doing my nails or changing my hair. NEWS FLASH… men notice these things. However, it’s not about the appearance so much as it is about the effort behind it. God forbid a man wants a woman that takes pride in herself physically, doesn’t nag, can be independant as well as a support system for him… and yes, in some cases a cheerleader. He’s not saying just any man deserves this, but YOUR man. The one that YOU chose and who is also making an effort on his part.
I’m glad you also got this. As a guy I notice when my girlfriend fixes herself up for me so I also make an effort for her. The times after waking up without makeup I find her beautiful still. I wish people would stop countering an opinion on a blog with another opinion. Its a given that many are different in some way. You take the good points from the opinion and move on.
Should Go A Little Deeper On The Long Term Stuff. What’s Her Religious, Political, And Moral Beliefs? How Many Kids Does She Want To Have? What Type Of Parenting Style Does She Want? What Role As A Mother Does She Want To Play?
The Two Biggest Dividing FactorsIn Relationship Come From Kids And Money Because Those Two Things Reflect Your Inner Beliefs.
Bill Wattyson, you forgot one big question:
Does she irritatingly capitalise the first letter of every word in a sentence, and this throw the middle finger up to proper English grammatical conventions?
If you find a girl who does that, I think you may have found your match and life partner, Mr Wattyson.
I think that’s covered under “similar views for the future…”
*thus, I meant thus damnit!
Great post. Not only is it insightful for men, but also for women.
I think the article is based so,ey on James expectations for ” his” right kind of lady for him. Not every guy believes the same ways as he has put in this article. Expectations get you nowhere….that’s where confidence in your partner comes in. When you expect a person to do so something bc it’s your ideal, you set them up for failure. No one looks their best all the time. I’m not gonna get all dolled up to go run to get eggs and bread from the store. Simply unrealistic. To do everything you use to do for a person when you got them is just ludacris. Life and circumstances change. That’s reality.and unless you are superhuman and can provide that your partner, then you have no business asking for it. On both sides there should be a desire to support, encourage, make love, give compliments…bc compliments make anyone feel good…you don’t have to be insecure to expect that your partner still notices you after all the time you’ve been together. I just disagree with the ways you’ve stated some things. I just don’t believe it’s rational or realistic.
He didn’t say anything about being dolled up to run the the grocery store. He said it “could be” as simple as hair and nail maintenance… nothing about looking like a model when cleaning your back yard. Putting forth an effort in the way that’s pleasing to your significant other is what he was getting at.
^ YES.
Me and my fiance met a year and a half ago.. and even before we started dating, all I wore were sweat pants and a t shirt.. he fell for me even then, and never asked me why I don’t wear jeans.. and he doesn’t mind It at all. Doesn’t mean I’ve “let myself go”. He fell in love with me & I definitely don’t do my nails, dress up.. etc.
Then that example doesn’t apply to you and your man. It was an EXAMPLE more than likely based off of what he likes. You know what your man likes so that’s what you would replace hair and nails with… women are missing the point completely. And I’ve never seen so many women so opposed to upkeep.
[…] November 13, 2013 · by James Michael Sama · in Dating & Relationships. · […]
I guess this is meant more for an older woman, because I am not confident, and I like to stick to my boyfriends side during events where I don’t know someone. We BOTH like wearing sweatpants and sometimes I don’t wear makeup, but he loves that about me. We’ve been dating for two years and he believes I’m a keeper, yet I wouldn’t be considered one by your criteria. I love you other posts, just thinking maybe this one was a bit off.
[…] How to Know if the Relationship is a Keeper […]
“She’s your sunshine on a gloomy day (and every day)”
So you’re looking for a Manic Pixie Dream Girl?
yup
Great blog! No, I don’t agree 100% with every word, but you got me thinking and looking at my relationship and considering some aspects I hadn’t looked at (at least not consciously) deeply before. That can only help!
Having been in a fairy tale romance..and knowing not to expect it…certainly puts my perspective and views a little off from most people. And I wouldn’t give up that perspective for anything
Hi James,
This isn’t related to your post directly, but… I *need* to know where you got the second photo, of the red dress with the bows on the sleeves? Where is that from? (Even if it’s from a movie or something else, I need to know!) Thank you!!
Also, cheers on the blog – good stuff. Best wishes to you and your lovely lady, and I’m glad to hear she’s pushing through the breast cancer. Rough stuff, but with the right people by her side and a tough spirit, she can do anything 🙂
Kelsey, I drag and dropped the image into google and it came up with this: https://www.thehunt.com/finds/XqdxZS-2012-women-lady%27s-red-bow-off-shoulder-dress-boat-neck-sly-full-dress
It is a dress made by Valentino
im sorry but i am a little lost… what red dress are you talking about? Also, when did my Lovely lady tell you she was going through breast cancer? Please respond.
nevermind im retarded… lol
All of these woman bitching and moaning over this… There were equal “what one party should do for the other” in both articles.. But any time someone says “a woman should do this for anyone” it’s the end of the world and the sexist pirates are on the prowl again! Sick of all of the hypocrisy.
Yeah, I agree with you Kevin. I am all for feminism, but these women who are bitching and moaning obviously don’t understand what feminism means. The exact definition of feminism is defined as the belief that men and women should have equal rights and opportunities. None of this bullshit whining over small, petty shit like how the woman “should put effort in the relationship.” I AGREE WITH THE AUTHOR. Do what makes your significant other happy. If you’ve got a good man or woman in your life, those good things you do for them will be reciprocated. It’s an exchange of good deeds and favors for each other. I feel sorry for the men who have to deal with those women who complained. Get over yourselves and learn some humility. Learn to give your best effort for others. In fact, read a book by Dale Carnegie called “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” Stupid title, but you’ll learn a few tricks or two because from what I can see you will need it.
Idk why women complain relationship stuff. It’s not always going to be 50/50 effort. I don’t think it ever is. Sometimes the woman Will put a little more and the man a little less….and it will switch back and forth. If a woman, and man, do to the other to get what they want in return later than there will be happy relations…and it should be for what they want in return, it should just be that you want to see that person smile and if anybody (both man and woman) really loves each other then they will do anything to see them smile.
Every woman are this at one point in their lives; all a keeper. It’s not a perfect world and pain changes everything; but that woman is still their. It’s not a question if a woman is a keeper or not. It’s all about you.
There are a lot of good points in this post, but truly, this comment speaks volumes of truth. Very intuitive.
It is absolutely a question of whether they are a keeper or not. Some good people find relationships with the wrong match because they are willing to settle for less.
It is the same for men and women. if there is a significant other in your life you have to determine if they are a keeper or not, and it works both ways. People like you that think all women are the same and innocent are wrong. There are a lot of men out there that are jerks, but a lot of women are too. I have had my heart broken by women that were only in a relationship because of physical attraction. One sure way to avoid this problem is to base your relationships on emotional and mental connections, not just on physical attractions or sex.
[…] 10 Ways To Know Your Woman Is A Keeper. […]
Actually you described a man. Men often say they don’t understand women, so it is not surprising you look for masculine qualities in a woman, you feel more comfortable with them. Women are insecure, especially the more beautiful they are, they need a man to help their confidence. It is our vulnerability. We can feel confident only in situations we are used to (our comfort zones) outside that we lack confidence. If you can stick around even if we are sometimes boring, and sometimes can’t support you or be there for you, then you are a keeper.
Ummm… maybe you are just speaking for yourself and not all women? I am very comfortable in my skin, enjoy the challenge of a completely new situation (and feel confident handling one), and am quite sure that I am a woman (and not a very masculine one, at that…).
Ahaha agreed. I’m pretty confident in doing things outside my comfort zone. Yes we all have certain insecurities, but as you grow and mature, you grow out of them. Every woman is different. I love helping out to keep a house cleaned. I love family outings, even with people I don’t know because it gives me a chance to get to know them. If they’re important to my significant other, than they are important. Period.
Wow, please speak for yourself. I know women who are confident in any scenario, including myself. And I don’t need a man to help my confidence. That’s the most insane thing I’ve ever heard. Please. do yourself a favor and don’t make anymore broad, vague generalizations.
Melissa i like your thinking, cause i think that’s the way you really feel . and i understand your logic,
and agree with your point of view.
Associating those attributes to men and being masculine on women isn’t something I’d agree with. Anyone can have confidence, be vulnerable, and have comfort zones.
Thank you James. It made me rethink how I am as a partner to my boyfriend. No matter how long I am with him, I can’t always get 100 percent through his mind like he is to mine. It was a perspective by a man and I respect that. I am sure, one way or another, he’s also into proving himself he is a keeper and together, we can grow our relationship with a strong foundation.
God bless you more! 🙂 and keep writing your thoughts.
From a woman’s standpoint: yes. I agree with most things here. As an introvert there were a few things that wouldn’t add up in my life scenarios, but, on a whole. Yes.
I love this, and it is so true about woman! We need to walk in love, always thinking of the other, and be mature. Maturity shines in these attributes. And kindness.
Yup…I’m Having to agree!!!
uh??? what is this??!
almost all women has these qualities…only then when they are with men, these qualities are ruined… :O
a woman who doesnt “seek for attention” is not really real.. if u are looking for someone who doesnt seek attention, u are searching for a man 🙂
a woman to keep is someone who has good qualities even when there’s no man around..
please find something more than this to make it into an article… eg.. u know a woman is a keeper when she hold up herself well during good and bad times, a woman who can tell jokes n take jokes etc..
If you are still damaged from a past relstionship, you should probably work on you before you enter a new relationship. Your new man should not get your second best treatment due to another man’s sins. Also, if you feel like you’re current man has ruined those qualities in you, then you both should probably work harder on what you have.. or let it go. I can’t speak for all women, but I learned really quick that if you let ANYONE else validate you, then you have lost control of your self worth. When I put myself together I look in the mirror and KNOW I look good. The external compliments are a bonus, not a determining factor on how i feel about myself. That’s not a masculine quality, that’s a mature quality found in both men and women. Yes, it takes effort on both ends for a relationship to work. Period.. point blank
What I found most interesting is that the article about men did not mention appearance at all, yet this article kept mentioning how important it is for a woman to be attractive, maintain her good looks, etc. Why is is that men and women aren’t being looked at under the same light? Why is there such an emphasis for women to be attractive and not for men?
Men and women aren’t being looked at under the same light because there are inherent differences that comprise each gender. Trying to compare both exactly the same is not realistic since both sexes are very different (physical, mental, emotional makeup)and are not interchangeable. Essentially it is an apples to oranges comparison And to be blunt about your last question, our society places a much higher value on female beauty, than on mens physical attractiveness.
The fact that society places much higher value on female beauty doesn’t make it right. Though I agreed with most of this article, this bit made me cringe a little: “An intelligent, well-spoken, witty, funny woman with killer looks”. Well, what if she’s all the former, but average looking? I think you’d be a fool to let that woman go. Both, men and women, need to manage their expectations, cause you might end up looking for this ‘ideal’ person that doesn’t exist for the rest of your life.
The difference between sexes is nonsense. Apart from the obvious – the reproductive organs. Men and women come in all shapes and sizes; there are, so called, “feminine” men, there are “masculine” women. I know some men, who are very emotional, and some women, who are hard as rock, even though society expects it to be the other way round. And what about gay people, or transgendered ones? What sort of emotional/mental makeup do day get?
I just wanted to say I think respect is the most important piece in a relationship, without it you won’t have the trust, compassion or any of the other things you should expect. I’ve been with my husband for a very long time and we both work in separate states during the week. We only get to see each other on weekends but we are still going strong and make the best of our time together. We’ve had so many obstacles since day one thrown at us, but with respect, compassion and communication we’ve only pulled closer together. I am 100% confident that he loves me just as much as I do him. There is never a day I wonder about the condition of our relationship. Real love is so precious and having found it I can say that you are a fool if you disrespect something so wonderful. Bad relationships aren’t made to damage you, they condition you to find love for yourself, respect yourself, and to carry forth without settling for anything less than perfect. I’m not saying perfect in a material or physical way, I’m saying to never settle for someone who doesn’t make you feel your absolute best. Even in the hardest of situations at the end of the day its just you two, that’s it. Keep your arguments to yourselves, keep your priorities consistent, and be each other’s support system. Forever is not a naive notion, it doesn’t come easily sometimes, but it is a promise you’ve made that you will do everything to keep for the right person.
Keep this in mind for all relationships, friends, family etc. Never disrespect the gift of a true ally.
I Do Think…there are more than ten ways… and its an individual choice like different strokes for folks….some guys prefer women who are very opposite to these ways as thats how they are as men. But in truth however you pretty much covered some main basics and key points! Nice post ; 0)
[…] 10 Ways You Know Your Woman Is A Keeper […]
I completely agree with all except the one about social situations. Luckily for me and my social anxiety, my SO is VERY shy, so is highly unlikely to leave me in a situation where he, himself, would be uncomfortable. And, for the record, every “him” and
“her” can be exchanged for each other. I know this is about knowing whether your woman is a keeper, but it could also be read “how to know if your man is a keeper.” Just sayin. Awesome post, though, and very informative. Thanks James!
[…] http://jamesmsama.wordpress.com/2013/11/13/10-ways-to-know-your-girl-is-a-keeper/ […]
is it safe to let my girlfriend see this?
definitely not. unless she has most (if not all) of those qualities. if she does not, she will probably be offended.
A lot of these ARE masculine qualities, I think. Like, I’m comfortable flying to a new country, finding my way around, braving new experiences, and doing it all on my own. But leave me at a party full of people I don’t know and go off to chat with your own friends for hours, and I’ll probably hide in a corner and play on my phone– it’s not my scene.
Another woman might do great at the party, but not so great in places where I’m more comfortable. We all have our strengths, but we can’t all be comfortable in ALL situations– that’s nuts. Men tend to be comfortable in any situation because they can stay disconnected in a way that most women CAN’T. Drop my husband into that party, and he’ll wont give a shit because he doesn’t give a shit. I do. Can’t help it… I’m a girl.
We’re not built the way men are, and this post is unrealistic and doesn’t celebrate some of our wonderful vulnerabilities and what makes us feminine– and attractive to men in the first place. And all women do look for attention and admiration because, just as men are built to look at beautiful women, we’re BUILT to want to be looked at that way. Inspiring desire is part of our feminine power, and feeling that makes us feel… powerful. A lot of ladies here will probably deny it, but for most of us, it’s true.
I don’t think this post allows much for female vulnerability. You can be vulnerable without being some slavering insecure creature. I don’t think men really want to turn us into MEN, because… dude, that doesn’t work. Let us be women. It’s okay if you don’t get us.
[…] 0 […]
You’re kidding me. How contradictory this is and totally self-absorbed. Should be self-confident and not repetitive with her looks, but should still continuously keep up her looks to appease your idea of physical attractiveness. Should not “look” for attention because that means she cares more for herself than you? Wow, how so pro-man. She shall care for herself but you and ye shall care not for her if she cares for herself. So that means you don’t have to care for her either. Wow, everything about this is terribly one-sided and that is just ONE example. She can hold a conversation.
Get the typical girly girl to talk about makeup and periods and she’ll hold it for days. Get an animator girl to talk about mlp, comics, bronies for days. Yeah any girl can hold a conversation if they LIKE the topic, you dumb butt. This hold true for men and sports….they go on and on and the girl couldn’t give a shit because what the hell….we don’t understand and men do the same thing if a girl talks about makeup. How naive.
Won’t bring up the past? Bull. The past needs to be brought up to know if the future will work at all.
He’s cheated on her once. Then twice, but forgiven for the first two, but shall not be expected to bring it up each time? what if it happens a third? don’t bring it up. Continuously ignore her when she wants you to complete one damn task and you do this often? She’s going to bring it up. EVERY one but the abused is going to bring it up.
We’re not dolls you can just side as ‘the one’ and submissive play toys to meet your requirements. There is no compromise in all of this post, just some fantasy of a virgin pre-teen who will do everything you want and say because she doesn’t know what the hell to do.
She shall encourage you. Sure, not unless it’s absolutely moronic. You mention nothing of encouraging her even when these encouragements may contradict what you want. Some things can not be accomplished if BOTH SIDES can not give up a little bit of what they want. Cry together? Laugh together? Well that certainly made me laugh.
If you can’t cry or laugh on your laugh and have to feel validated by your girlfriend to AGREE on EVERYTHING you think is sad and funny, then you’ve got some serious issues pal.
A woman who doesn’t seek for attention…wow, you realize that means she’s not seeking for any man if she doesn’t want attention. In fact she’ll be inclined to call for asexuality and present you with ‘i’m using you for moolah!’. Look dude, how do you think you notice a woman? She sought out attention and yours drifted to hers and she grabbed that attention when she decided you were worth trying.
YOU ARE A FOOL
I’m not entirely sure your little feminist head even GOT what he was saying. Thanks for making yourself look like an idiot. For the record, I wasn’t looking for “attention” when I found my SO. In fact, he liked me and pursued me DESPITE the first impression I gave him (full of attitude and negativity). So for a woman to be seeking attention, this shows an inherent lack of esteem, and says “Look at me, because I need your external validation of how I look.” When I met my SO, I was wearing sweats, no makeup, and I hadn’t done my hair that day. Brushed, yes. Done up? absolutely not. But yet I managed to attract him anyway. So it is completely idiotic to think that we as women should be normal for being that way. James is right when he says a keeper woman is someone who doesn’t go looking for attention. She’s someone who is comfortable in her own skin, and doesn’t need other people’s validation on how she looks because she simply doesn’t care what other people think of her.
And one more thing…..My SO couldn’t care less what I look like, but I still enjoy going out of my way sometimes to look good for him. Even if I’m just going to see him at work, I make an effort to throw some makeup on, or dress nice in a way I know he thinks looks cute. It’s not about doing these things because our partner requires them in order to keep us around. It’s about doing them because you enjoy doing something to show your partner you care. That’s what makes you a keeper. It’s the effort and the thought behind the action, not the action itself.
Yeah, that girl is an idiot. Thank you cloverlifeblog. You and I are on the same page.
Best post. I can’t have said it better:-)
Best post. I can’t have said it better.
Based on your misunderstanding of the entire article, I believe it would be safe to assume that you have never been in a healthy and happy relationship with a man.
His article and advice was spot-on.
It would be safe to say that he did not intend to take every point to a complete extreme in which he means, for example, that a woman must always encourage her man or that a woman must never forgive her man for wrongdoings. Some things are unforgivable, coming from either of the sexes and must be brought up (given the right context). As for conversation, it is important that both people in a relationship can carry a conversation, which implies that they have similar interests. If they cannot carry any semblance of a conversation, they likely do not have a single common interest, hobby, topic of discussion, et cetera–so what would be the point of dating one another?
Finally, there’s a HUGE difference of being noticed and being desperate for attention. Everyone wants to get positively noticed at least sometimes, but there are quite a few women who need attention from every person around them at every point in time and will take ridiculous measures to receive it. These specific women (whom it is obvious he is referring to) are not worth dating, as they will eventually take such desperate measures for attention that they will cheat on their significant other. I know this because I’ve seen these women do it and/or they’ve told me after they eventually cheated. It has yet to fail.
If articles such as these bother you so much, it might do you well to not read them. It seems to bring out a negative energy from you that wastes you of all the positive energy that you have.
And just because some men are terrible, doesn’t mean they all are. There are quite a few who are very kind, intelligent and well-intentioned.
You’re really dumb. First and foremost there is another list for girls at the bottom of the page. Its if the guy is a keeper and it goes off on how a guy should treat his girl. Second, in a mature relationship the past is never brought up because MATURE PEOPLE DONT DO STUPID THINGS LIKE CHEATING. If you have been cheated on and forgave that person then you are setting yourself up for disaster. And just for the record not every guy cheats on his girlfriend/wife multiple times or even one time so calm your tits. My girlfriend dresses up yes and she looks great all the time to me but NEVER has she ever asked for a compliment or if she looked nice tonight or anything like that. She is secure in herself and her looks and when she really stands out to me I pay her a compliment. GL with finding a man who will succumb to your way of thinking, you are a hypocrite.
I am making a strong assumption here, but I think your comments would be sufficient evidence to assume you are single… and will likely remain that way for a very long time. I am also assuming you have some very deep-seeded hurts that you should maybe seek counseling for. If you are not single, I would still say that you need some help and encourage you to seek it; because any good quality gentleman would be unable to deal with that sort of anger for a lifetime.
My post is in reply to Susanne Eby, btw. Just so there is no confusion on someone else thinking I was addressing them.
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Parts of this list make sense, but a lot of it is the same silly and damaging stuff women have been hearing their whole life.
She puts in effort for you – You don’t realize how much work it is for women to keep up a look even considered acceptable in society. For my career, I do a lot in this area. For myself, I do something if I think it will look cool if I’m going out with friends. And for my boyfriend, hell yeah, if we have a date or it’s just a good day, I’ll plan an outfit or get my nails done.
But I also know he doesn’t expect that shit, and it’s nowhere on any list he has for if I’m a “keeper” or not. It’s gravy, but it’s not our relationship. You don’t know what a pain it is to have to spend an extra hour every damn day, if I feel like it or not, to be taken seriously in the world, even with all the real work and thinking I do in my job, that should be the focus. Knowing that my relationship is above and outside all of this is really great, and I wish it for every woman. Your list, while it does have some good points, is also very much a product of our generation, and it shows. My hope is that some day my grandkids have an awesome laugh over this, and that my granddaughters won’t constantly have to make sure they’re keeping themselves up to some time-consuming standard of beauty because of expectations they didn’t create and have nothing to do with who they are as people.
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I like the article, but man, when you say “An intelligent, well-spoken, witty, funny woman with killer looks, granted is hard to come by,” you throw us under the bus! If would be legitimate to say that you applied it to men as well, but people do not normally assume that attractive men are dumb, as they might assume with women… you just encouraged that idea by saying we are “hard to find.”
We are hard to find 🙂 Anyone who has sought out women romantically knows this.
JMS — Have you ever even been in a relationship?
Are you not aware that people can be “keepers” even if they want a compliment or validation every now and then; even if they’re not voluble scholars there to entertain you with scintillating conversation; even if they have anxieties or weak points concerning some situations; even if they at times get pissy or harbor grudges they know are silly; even if they’re willing to point out your errors or flaws, or not always willing to back you up (e.g. when they feel you’re making a terrible mistake); even they don’t always get your moods or tastes and thus can’t always laugh or cry with you; even if the future you try to build together needs to be negotiated to some degree instead of being in magical agreement from the get-go?
Are you not aware that the only valid point you made was “being willing to put in effort,” — and that you ruined it by making it into a shallow comment about a woman doing her nails? Couldn’t you come up with anything that’s not a petty surface detail?
Are you not aware that most humans are merely human? Are we supposed to reject 99.99% of the human race on account of how your bizarre unrealistic expectations exclude essentially everyone, sooner or later, from the “keeper” list?
Or are we perhaps supposed to recognize that this list, like most lists on the internet, is a shallow wad of meaningless sounds-good fluff that falls apart under the slightest scrutiny, best ignored and always forgotten?
I mean… sorry to be so harsh, but at least make the token effort of learning anything at all about real live women before you try to give relationship advice.
Hi Confanity,
While I appreciate your comment, it shows that we don’t know anything about each other, because of your first question.
Yes, I am in a relationship with a highly educated, strong, beautiful woman who agrees with everything I say in these articles. We celebrated our first anniversary not long ago.
Furthermore, she is battling breast cancer.
Why do I bring this up? Because I believe it has made me understand women and relationships further than the average man, not to mention what it takes to continue building a strong bond with someone when they get diagnosed with breast cancer just a few months after you meet.
You seem to imply that I am a sheltered male with no concept of relationships or the real world. Given my life experiences I take offense to this.
I did not “ruin” anything because the point about putting in effort was to look good for your man. Did you not expect it to be something physical???
And I did not say to do your nails, did I?
I said this could be something as small as doing your nails – thusly keeping it open ended but offering a suggestion.
Thanks again for your comment.
– JMS
Great honest article! Love it! As a relationship coach, I especially agree with James about the self-absorbed attention-seekers. A fulfilling relationship is really about 2 confident, secured people coming together, living giving together.
I have a great boyfriend who I met during his last semester of college. He now has moved back home, which is about 2 hours away so we obviously don’t see each other often. Therefore, we mainly communicate through phone and Skype and it is usually at night for a couple hours then we sleep. Because we don’t see each other often, I’ve conveyed to him that I would like us to engage more through text, instagram, Facebook, etc. and for when he does reply back to my text, for it to be more then just “lol,” “mhm,” etc. I’ve talked to him about being more engaging with me and I told him I know he’s busy and it’s okay if it takes him awhile to text me back but when he does, please let it be a little more thoughtful than just “lol.” It’s been going on for at least 4 months and he hasn’t improved much. When I bring it up to him that it bothers me that we don’t talk often and that I feel a disconnect, he gets mad at me and tells me I’m nagging at him, keep repeating myself, and that he doesn’t like that. Am I asking for too much attention?
Considering it is a distance relationship, I don’t think you are asking too much by requesting a little more thought provoking answers to your messages, etc. However, how often are you asking him/reminding him of it? If you are bringing it up consistently, then yeah, I’m sure it is frustrating him. Also, if you are Skyping nightly, then I don’t necessarily think it is that big of a deal for him to have quick responses to your texts. Because the Skyping IS being engaging. Does that make sense? Don’t be too clingy and needy. Be confident in who you are when you’re not with him… My bf lives two hours away also and we see each other about every two weeks. I know it’s hard, but keep yourself busy when you know he may be busy, and most of all, create a little space. Don’t expect to be texting all the time. It really is true that a little absence makes the heart grow fonder. So, spread out those texts, etc. Especially if you are indeed Skyping every night. Remember, you are still you as an individual also and need to take time to nurture yourself either by yourself or with friends. Best wishes =)
cool. but being a bit too picky in my opinion
These qualities should be for anyone, men or women.
It is tough to find the keeper, understanding that initial attraction can mislead you.
Men seem to want possesion and make open relationships tentative.
Women want security and demand unlimited attention.
Resist any attempt to change or mold the other person.
Finding the list is unlikely if you achieve three your a winner.
Your list is very hard to find in an individual person. However, you are describing someone who is a “keeper”, as I would define as the person you would spend your life with. I believe I meet all of these qualities as does my fiancee. However, it is very difficult for people who are not within a wonderful relationship to understand these qualities being even plausible to find in another person, as they have met so many losers (or they themselves are lacking).
I have a great boyfriend who I met during his last semester of college. He now has moved back home, which is about 2 hours away so we obviously don’t see each other often. Therefore, we mainly communicate through phone and Skype and it is usually at night for a couple hours then we sleep. Because we don’t see each other often, I’ve conveyed to him that I would like us to engage more through text, instagram, Facebook, etc. and for when he does reply back to my text, for it to be more then just “lol,” “mhm,” etc. I’ve talked to him about being more engaging with me and I told him I know he’s busy and it’s okay if it takes him awhile to text me back but when he does, please let it be a little more thoughtful than just “lol.” It’s been going on for at least 4 months and he hasn’t improved much. When I bring it up to him that it bothers me that we don’t talk often and that I feel a disconnect, he gets mad at me and tells me I’m nagging at him, keep repeating myself, and that he doesn’t like that. Am I asking for too much attention?
[…] 10 Ways To Know Your Woman Is A Keeper. […]
[…] 10 Ways To Know Your Woman Is A Keeper. […]
literally no woman out there has every single one of these qualities
[…] interesting article: 10 ways to know your woman is a keeper […]
Reblogged this on Rebuilding Rob and commented:
A great article. I’m happy to say I’ve found someone for whom I can check of all 10 of these criterion.
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Reblogged this on Turn My World Into Words.
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