The Most Secure Couples Understand These 10 Things

The truth about great relationships is that they don’t just happen randomly. They require consistent effort from both partners to build and maintain.

Here are some valuable lessons we can take from couples with the strongest relationships.

1: They understand the value of compromise.

When two adults meet each other, they’re approaching the relationship from two completely different realities. They’ve got different upbringings, past experiences, perspectives on the world, and lenses that they see it through.

The strongest couples are the ones who find the intersections between these differences and use them to strengthen their bond.

They learn from each other rather than argue. They find a middle ground rather than seeing a chasm between them. They communicate. They share ideas and visions for the future, and they create a new blended reality that includes what both people want and need.

This only happens through compromise.

I’ve seen (and experienced) relationships where one person is completely set on what their future is going to look like. Let me say: I am a public advocate for setting goals and doing whatever it takes to achieve them, but I also recognize that relationships are comprised of two people and when you make the conscious decision to include someone else in your life, you must begin making choices that are designed to benefit everyone involved, not just yourself.

The strongest couples recognize this and make decisions for “we,” not for “me.”

2: They understand the value of the little things.

Think about the things you and your partner did for each other at the beginning of the relationship. Small things that you did to make each other happy because you were trying to show them how serious you were and how much you cared about them.

Naturally, this isn’t something you’d stop doing just because you got into a relationship…right?

These are the very things that keep a relationship alive because they were an integral piece of the foundation that built it in the first place. If you stop doing the things that attracted someone to you, how do you expect the attraction to maintain itself over time?

If you are checking out at the store and their favorite candy is on the shelf, grab some of it. Bring home flowers randomly. Plan a date night. The small things you do for someone randomly are what count the most, because it shows you don’t need a holiday or special occasion to do something nice. You just do it because you’re in love.

3: They understand how to listen TO EACH OTHER.

My good lord people. I wish this didn’t have to be said, but it does.

We’re cultivating a society where our method of communication is broadcasting. We all have social media channels, vlogs, blogs, tik toks, whatevers…and we are conditioned to constantly output content.

This means that our approach to communication is always “outward,” and rarely “inward.” Meaning: Listening.

Active listening is one of the most important things we can ever do in [any kind of] relationship. It lets someone know we actually care enough to pay attention to what they’re saying, remember it, and then act on it accordingly.

The strongest couples are open and honest communicators and are willing to have difficult conversations when necessary, because they understand that it’s better than letting things fester under the surface until eventually someone explodes from the pressure.

As the old saying goes, you’ve got two ears and one mouth because you should listen twice as much as you speak.

4: They understand how to keep each other a priority.

Not the same as listening, because listening is something you do when your partner brings something up to you.

Checking in is proactive. It’s “how was your day today?”

It’s “How’s your grandmother doing?”

It’s “Whatever happened with that annoying client?”

It’s “What can I do to make your life easier?”

Checking in with your partner is all about keeping them a priority in your life. It’s “proactive maintenance,” the same way you’d maintain your car. You change the oil before the engine blows. You replace the tires before they pop on the highway. You put fuel in before you’re stuck on the side of the road.

Checking in with your partner consistently is how you make sure there’s nothing bothering them that you need to be concerned about, especially if they’re not the type to speak up often.

Obviously, I’m not talking about badgering them constantly to the point of annoyance. I’m just talking about staying aware.

5: They understand how to “pick their battles.”

Before you bring up something small that bothers you, ask yourself if the potential argument that could arise is really worth it.

In other words: Make sure the juice is worth the squeeze.

6: They understand the bonding power of new shared experiences.

Whether it be something as simple as watching a movie neither of you has seen, or something as extreme as skydiving for the first time together [not that I have ever done that], I have always found value in sharing new experiences with someone.

I like to view relationships as a new chapter in both people’s lives, filled with new experiences, new opportunities, new connections, and a new perspective on the world. When we both do new things that we’ve never done before, it creates an even stronger bond as we anchor that particular experience to this person. We will forever be reminded of him or her when we think of that particular memory…which is another good reason to always make sure you’re with the right person.

7: They understand the power of teamwork.

Life can get busy, work can be stressful, and people can get overwhelmed. This is why it’s important to share all responsibilities in a relationship.

If your partner usually cooks, or cleans, or takes out the trash…but you know they’re having a rough day/week/month, just step in and take care of it without complaint.

If they need something picked up from the store but the baby is crying, get in the car and go.

If they’re going to be late coming home from work, have some food ready for when they get home.

It doesn’t take much to fill in the blanks for someone when life is piling things on top of them, just a little effort and understanding.

8: They understand how to keep “the spark” alive.

This one is very important. I don’t really think we need any more than this one line to get the message across.

9: They understand the power of undivided attention.

This is a new problem facing our generation. Our parents and grandparents didn’t sit on the couch in silence on their smartphones, they interacted with each other. They spent quality time together. They really absorbed each other’s presence. Technology is a highly effective tool for streamlining our life and staying in touch when we are not together, but if we want to build a deep connection with someone, we need to unplug when we are with them.

10: They understand that love is a choice.

Here’s what it really comes down to: Monogamy is a choice. Love is a choice. Your partner is a choice.

Plenty of people have told me over the years that monogamy is not natural to humans, and they’re right.

Some animals, like penguins, naturally mate for life. Humans are not naturally monogamous, but that is what makes relationships a conscious decision.

Not just a decision we make one time, though. We don’t grab on to someone and say “this is my person” and then just expect everything to work out forever.

The strongest couples wake up every single morning and go to bed every night choosing the person they are next to.

They choose to compromise for each other. They choose to spend time with each other. They choose to live together. To get married. To have children. To not have children. Whatever.

No matter what a couple chooses to do with their lives together, monogamy is a conscious decision that all of us make.

The strongest couples make this commitment and they stick to it through thick and thin.

No, that doesn’t mean they stick around when there’s abuse. No, that doesn’t mean they tolerate cheating or mistreatment.

Those are all very clear exceptions that should never be tolerated in a relationship.

What it does mean is that two well-adjusted consensual adults make a daily choice to build a life and create a world alongside each other. To look out on the world while standing side by side. To chase their goals together. To create something beautiful that they can both be proud of.

When two people both make the pledge to stand by each other’s side and weather the storms of life together, there’s nothing that can stop them.

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