How to Tell if Someone Truly Deserves Your Love

The truth of life and love is that many people along the way will desire you. They’ll desire to be in your presence, desire to get to know you, desire you based on physical attraction, and desire your affection in return.

They won’t, all, however…deserve you.

Before we dive into this discussion, I need to make an important clarification:

Humans inherently deserve love and respect.

In no way am I saying that someone doesn’t deserve to be loved. This isn’t about whether or not the person you’re dating is “inherently worthy” of the gift of your love and commitment.

A relationship, however, is perhaps the highest honor we can bestow upon another person. It’s quite literally the act of choosing this one person above all others and dedicating your life to them. I cannot think of a greater compliment than that.

For that reason, someone must deserve to receive this honor from you. You can recognize they are worthy of love and respect, but they still need to show you why they should be the person that you give your most valuable gifts to.

A relationship, after all, is a privilege. If you’re going to choose this person, there have to be damn good reasons for you to do so…both emotionally and logically.

And, of course, you need to show them the same in return, you are also inherently worthy of love, but the effort that a relationship takes must still be given in order to earn your place in it.

Note: Some of the points below apply to intimate relationships, and others apply to all relationships, including friendships and family.

Let’s explore some questions to ask yourself when you’re putting in the necessary time and effort to build a relationship with someone.

You know they desire you, but do they deserve you?

1: “Are they working to spend real quality time with me?”

I understand that everyone is busy…we all have lives to focus on. Businesses, careers, families, hobbies…

Part of being in a relationship, however, is building a foundation with another person through merging your lives together and investing time into creating that connection.

Texting is great! Talking on the phone is great! Video chatting is great!

They are supplements, though, to time together.

You can only go so far through virtual communication, it’s the nuance and depth of one-on-one interaction that truly brings people together.

“But James, they’re just so busy!”

I believe that no matter how busy a person is, if they’re really interested, they will make the time to spend with you. They still make time for what’s important to them, don’t they?

Even if it’s a quick coffee before work, or a midday break, or one cocktail at happy hour, a person who’s invested in you will invest their time in you.

And, if they genuinely do not have the time to spend with you, they also don’t have the time to build a relationship with you. This is part of setting and maintaining your boundaries and deciding what you will accept.

If they’re not able to give you what you need, it doesn’t mean they’re a bad person, it just means they’re not right for you at this stage of your lives.

2: “Do they respect my boundaries?”

We mentioned boundaries in point #1, but what are they, exactly?

The boundaries you set for yourself are what define the treatment you will and won’t accept, both from other people and from yourself.

In a relationship, these boundaries must be expressed by you, and honored by them.

They should be respecting your time.

They should be respecting your physical space.

They should be respecting your opinions and intellect.

They should be listening to what you need, and striving to give it to you.

If someone encroaches upon your boundaries once, it may likely be a mistake if they didn’t know where that boundary was in the first place.

If, however, you’ve expressed this boundary to them and they continue to violate it more than once, then it becomes a choice, and that’s not a choice you should be accepting from them.

3: “Are they matching my efforts?”

Here’s the thing about effort: Consistency is more important than intensity.

Anyone can show up BIG for you every once in awhile. They can shower you in expensive gifts, perform a grand romantic gesture, throw you a giant surprise party…and all of those things are great!

They are, however, icing on the cake.

A true foundation is built through consistency, doing the small things that don’t require an occasion or a reason. Being there for you when they say they will. Showing you they are genuine and authentic in their intentions.

This is a difficult question to answer because it requires brutal honesty with ourselves. It is an emotional risk to put ourselves out there for another person and we can easily become blinded to those efforts being one-sided if we are trying to convince ourselves otherwise.

Here’s a good way to cut through the emotional noise and get to the real answer: If you stopped reaching out first, putting in effort first, extending invitations first, asking how they’re doing first — who would still be there reaching out to you, and who would simply fade away?

I encourage all of my private clients to “take inventory” along the journey of their relationship.

By this I mean: Have regular check-ins with yourself and be brutally honest about what you are feeling and seeing from the other person. Are they putting in proper effort after 1 month?

How about after three months?

Six?

How about after a year?

No matter how long you are with a person, they must do more than just earn your trust and affection early on…they must maintain it over time.

“James, what if we’re together forever?”

Then they must work to show you that love forever, just as you do for them.

4: “Do they embrace me for who I really am?”

Note that acceptance and tolerance are not the same thing.

Tolerance is simply the act of putting up with someone, whereas acceptance sees a person as they truly are and embraces them for it.

Whether it be an intimate relationship, a close friendship, or a family relation…they are all rooted in love and acceptance.

You don’t need to “like” everything about a person, and they don’t need to “like” everything about you. We all have things that annoy us about each other sometimes, and even that annoy us about ourselves.

But, at the core, the root of a person’s identity and existence is who they really are. Their values, beliefs, worldviews.

The pain they’ve overcome.

The mistakes they’ve fixed.

The empathy and love they show to others.

The kindness they approach the world with.

You cannot (and should not) commit your full self to a person who only accepts the parts of you that they approve of, while criticizing or trying to change the rest.

If you cannot be your most authentic self around your partner, then who are you being?

5: “Do they consider my opinions and feelings?”

Being in a relationship is about putting “we” before “me.”

A lot of people seem to want to continue living like they’re single even after getting into a relationship. They want to keep making their own decisions, building a solo social life, coming and going as they please…

Now, let’s not get it twisted: Independence and autonomy remain paramount even in relationships.

Nobody should lose their identity for the sake of a commitment (more on this later).

However, when merging two people’s lives together, a fundamental piece of that puzzle is living as one. If you’re making a decision that will impact both of you, then both of you must be involved in said decision.

If someone is running around making choices that affect you and being seemingly unconcerned with your opinions on the matter, this is a huge red flag that they lack the respect for you that is necessary in order for trust and love to grow.

6: “Do they support my ambitions and goals?”

Teamwork makes the dream work, as they say.

Every relationship with the goal of “forever love” is a team in the game of life.

Two people come together and bring their strengths to the table in order to achieve a common goal.

That goal is the type of lifestyle that you wish to create together. There’s no right or wrong for what it looks like, only right for you as a couple.

Under this umbrella lives two individual humans with their own ambitions that will fan the flame of the shared ones.

We all have things we want to achieve, goals we’re striving for, a mission and purpose pulling us forward.

In healthy relationships, both partners support each other’s journeys, as long as it fits the overall life plan.

For example, if your goal as a couple is to buy a house in the countryside and start having children, having an individual ambition to travel the world and live as a nomad is not likely to be supported by your partner, understandably.

Perhaps, though, you want to take online classes and advance your degree. Great!

Maybe you want to be a stay at home parent with the child(ren), is that feasible for you as a couple? Can your partner carry the family financially? If so, great!

Do you want to achieve a health or fitness goal? Great, let’s do it together!

Starting a new business? Fantastic!

Healthy love does not restrict you, it encourages you to evolve into the ultimate version of yourself, build internal happiness and fulfillment, and wants to see you thrive.

Anything less is simply not love at all.

7: “Do they open up and share themselves with me?”

Listen, everyone is different. Everyone is comfortable with different things at different times, and some take longer than others to open up and “let you in.”

There is taking time, though, and there is hiding themselves from you. Those are two different things.

A relationship can only be formed by two people who are willing to be open and vulnerable with each other.

This is the essence of connection. If we can’t learn the intricacies and nuances of this person, how can we know for sure if they’re right for us? How can we fully trust them if we cannot fully see them? How can we build a solid foundation of love?

Remember my disclaimer in the beginning of this article…it does not make someone unworthy of love if they cannot open up to you. In fact, it’s likely a sign that they need love more than ever before.

A relationship, though, is reciprocal. It has to be.

Too many people enter into relationships as the sole giver. They are the only one opening up. They’re the only one sharing secrets. They’re the only one risking themselves and being vulnerable.

They think, inevitably, their partner will have to open up someday…

And they wait, and become more invested, and keep waiting…and the relationship progresses on paper, but stay stagnant emotionally.

Eventually, they’re so far down the wrong road with the wrong person that there seems to be no way back (Hint: There always is. A relationship is not a prison).

But, weeks, months, or even years of heartbreak could’ve been prevented if we’d been honest about what we were seeing early on.

If a person doesn’t willingly let you in, you’re under no obligation to break down the door. In fact, you’ll likely hurt yourself in the process.

“It is a risk to love.What if it doesn’t work out?Ah, but what if it does.” ― Peter McWilliams.

8: “Do they take responsibility for their mistakes?”

Nobody is perfect. Sorry, not even you.

Definitely not me.

And not the person that you’re falling in love with.

But, that’s okay! Good, even…

Perfect doesn’t exist, and sets an unrealistic standard of expectation that simply cannot be met. This is what sets us up for disappointment so many times, waiting for someone to come along that checks all of the boxes.

Relationships are about compromise and understanding, and they’re also about taking responsibility when we miss the mark.

Have you ever known (or worse, dated…) someone who refused to take responsibility? To admit their mistakes? To be *gasp* wrong?

It’s impossible to fully connect with or trust someone like this, because the very essence of their image of self is rooted in dishonesty. If they lie to themselves about what they’ve done (or haven’t done), they’ll certainly lie to you about it, too.

What’s worse is, they’ll blame you, because someone has to be at fault, and heaven forbid that it’s them.

9: “Are they there for me when I need them?”

Anyone can stand by your side during the sunny days. The real test of their character (and their love) is whether or not they’ll hold the umbrella over you during the rainy days.

You’ll likely be able to spot this early on, but look back to point #3 about taking inventory and being honest about what you’re seeing.

I’ve heard it time and time again from clients. They tell me that the person they’re dating “changed” when things got hard.

They didn’t change, they simply got put to the test and showed you who they really are…or, aren’t.

If you cannot count on someone to be there for you during the small things, how could you ever trust them to be there for the big things? The losses, the failures, the struggles, the roadblocks of life?

It’s an unfortunate but necessary test. The one of trial and tribulation. The one that must be experienced in order to be determined. But, nonetheless, the darkness often reveals more about a person’s commitment to us than the light ever will.

10: “Do they work to meet my needs?”

We’ve spoken about the importance of expressing your needs…but even more important is a partner’s willingness to step up and fulfill them.

Is this point about sexual needs? Not specifically, but those are high up on the list of importance under this umbrella.

The needs you have are varied and specific to you as an individual, and therefore a partner must learn them afresh, as there’s no way to predict or “guess” what they are.

Needs for affection, needs for communication, needs for compromise and respect. Needs for support. Needs for love.

If you’ve communicated your needs and your partner knows what they are, it’s a conscious choice whether or not they work to fill them.

11: “Do they bring me peace?”

Ah, peace.

Not usually a highlighted topic in relationship articles.

We’re often talking more about passion, or love, or trust, or keeping the spark alive.

While all of those things are non-negotiable in a relationship, so is the frequently overlooked value of peace in one’s life.

Peace is feeling fully comfortable and at ease in someone’s presence.

It’s found in the calmer and softer times spent together.

When you’re on the couch, when you’re at a cafe overlooking the ocean, when you’re sitting by the fire, when you’re lying in bed reading a book or looking out the hotel room window.

In those moments, your partner feels like a sanctuary away from the chaos of life. They comfort you, bring you solace, and make you feel at home…no matter where you are.

12: “Are they patient with me?”

Let’s be honest: None of us have this “life thing” all figured out. At the end of the day, we’re just all running around on this big giant floating rock trying to figure out what the hell we’re doing and make the best choices possible for ourselves and our loved ones.

Did you think you were the only person who secretly felt that way? Spoiler alert: Everyone does.

That, though, is what makes the human experience beautiful. (Well, one of the things).

While we’re all living in our own very unique and highly curated realities, we’re also all sharing many of the same thoughts, feelings, emotions, confusions, and struggles around finding the path to happiness and fulfillment.

This journey takes time.

When you link your life together with another person in a relationship, it might take even more time.

Now you’re working on figuring it out under the umbrella of an intimate relationship. There are different rules, expectations, obligations, boundaries, responsibilities…and, you’re making sure that both of you are reaching a high level of happiness.

Simultaneously, you’re navigating your partner’s wants, needs, and desires…as well as your own.

This, my friend, does not happen overnight.

It takes communication, collaboration, cooperation, co-whatever-ation.

And that takes patience.

We cannot comfortably move along this journey if the person beside us is getting frustrated, rushing us along, losing their patience, or expecting us to have all of the answers.

That’s just not how real life works. It’s not how human beings work.

Someone who’s always making you feel pressured or “bad” for not moving at a pace fast enough for them, would be better off going to find someone who doesn’t take as much care in building a life of happiness as you do.

13: “Do they truly and genuinely want the same things as me?”

This might seem obvious, and a foundational part of building a relationship in the first place…but, I think it tragically gets overlooked far more than we’d like to admit.

In the beginning of a relationship, many of us get caught up (understandably) in the emotion of it all. The excitement. The lust. The adventure. The allure of being wanted and desired by someone whom we want and desire equally as much.

It’s all very intoxicating.

Sometimes, that intoxication, just like any other kind, can cloud our judgment.

We start to brush aside things that under any other circumstances might be seen as red flags. We may ignore annoying behavior, or negative tendencies, or treatment we shouldn’t be accepting, or incompatibilities that just might come back and bite us down the road (they probably will).

We forget to (or refuse to) ask the important questions that determine whether or not we want the same things in life.

“Oh James, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.”

Oh yeah? You’re going to spend months or maybe even years with a person, scooting along, avoiding important and life-altering conversations until it stares you in the face, unable to be avoided any longer?

Perhaps an opportunity to take a job and move elsewhere comes up…is that the type of place you’d both want to live in? Is moving on the table?

You’re moving in together. Is it going to be the city or the country? A house or a condo? Rent or buy? Rustic or contemporary?

Even more important considerations: Values, beliefs, family expectations, the ways you communicate love, celebrate holidays, and mark traditions. It all matters in the long run at one point or another.

A lot of the hard questions, the ones that really dig into your soul and make you explore what you truly want and need in this life…get avoided because they are hard.

They are, however, also necessary because they are hard…

If you think they’re difficult to ask now, just wait until you’ve gone too far down the wrong road with the wrong person for the wrong reasons, and find out that all of that time could’ve been spent with the right person if you’d just made sure you were on the same path at the same time…

14: “Do we agree on parenting styles?”

Before I met Rachel I had virtually no experience with small children. Suddenly, I was dating a woman with a 6 month old and a 4 year old (They’re now 6 and 10, we’re married, and they call me dad).

But, I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I still don’t, most of the time.

There is a who, what, where, why, how…and when on the topic of kids:

Who do you want in their lives?

What do you want them to be taught? (Family values, religion, et cetera).

Why do you have the beliefs you do about parenting? Understanding yourself can help you show up with patience and grace.

When is the right time for you to have kids? When will you feel ready?

How do you feel is the right way to raise them? I’ve learned about all of the parenting styles over these past few years and can easily see how conflicts can arise if you disagree on them.

The most important question that comes before all of these other ones: Do we even want kids in the first place?

You may not think this is a big deal or a relevant topic for you right now…and it might not be, but if you’re considering building a life with this person, you need to make sure that you’re going to approach the important parts of it in ways that you agree on, or can at least find a middle ground within.

15: “Do they care for THEMSELVES?”

When deciding whether or not to commit our life to someone, we must also look at the way they choose to live for themselves, too.

Do they care for their physical, emotional and mental health?

Do they respect themselves and their own boundaries?

Do they value self-improvement and development?

Do they live an active lifestyle, and take care of their body?

• This is essential if you hope for them to be around for as long as possible, to stay active, to be able to live a vibrant life.

Do they maintain their mental and emotional health?

• This is essential for them to stay connected, present, happy, and confident. If they drift from you or fail to address challenges that arise in their own lives, it could be emotionally harmful to them, or to both of you.

Great relationships are built on the foundation of two individuals who bring their best selves to the table. They strive to be better, to grow, to evolve…both as individuals and as a couple.

This is what builds a strong foundation that stands the test of time. It’s not simply put up once in the beginning and expected to last forever through the storms of life.

It must be maintained, repaired when damaged, and reinforced to be even stronger as time goes on.

If, though, we both pledge to care for ourselves and our partner…to only accept what we deserve, and promise to give them what they deserve…there will be nothing that can tear down the foundation we’ve worked to build…together.

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