15 Duties of All Good Men in Relationships

If there’s one thing that guys usually hate, it’s being told what to do. Many will resist and rebel just for the sake of pushing back against authority, even if that “authority” is their own personal decisions.

What I mean by this : Sometimes, you make a choice that comes along with a set of guidelines, or expectations, responsibilities, or duties.

In order to honor the choice one has made, these duties must be fulfilled. It’s part of the deal. You can’t enjoy the benefits of the choice without holding up your end of the bargain.

I believe (and always have) that choosing to be in a relationship comes along with these very expectations. It’s part of living and loving with integrity.

Some people argue against this, but I think the concept is clear:

If you want to be “XYZ,” you must do what “XYZ” does.

If you don’t do what “XYZ” does, then, by definition, you are not “XYZ.”

When entering into a mature, monogamous, adult relationship, what are the duties that men should understand they’re signing up for?

Bear in mind: As a heterosexual married man, I operate and write from that perspective. Many of these points will apply to all relationships, while some are more hetero-specific.

Let’s explore:

1: Make sure you’re READY to fully commit.

We all walk different paths in life and become ready for different things at different times. Regardless of what society tells us, there is no “right” or “wrong” time to do something…save the exception of, for example, having a biological child at an age or under circumstances deemed “unsafe,” but even that line us blurred these days.

More universally speaking, though, men develop in their own ways and some are simply not ready for, nor interested in, monogamous commitment until they’ve checked whatever boxes they deem necessary.

For me, I wanted to explore, learn about myself, pursue passions and opportunities, move around the country…

I felt as though if I’d “settled down” too early, I’d feel an internal pull that would always make me question my decision, and neither myself nor my future partner would deserve that.

I met Rachel when I was 34 years old, and I was 37 when we got married. I turn 41 this year. Yikes.

For some, this sounds old. For others, young. That’s the point: We are ready for our own things at our own time.

The key is to understand yourself and know for sure what the right time for you is.

If Rachel and I had met during my phase of exploration when I was avoiding monogamy, needless to say, this never would’ve worked out the way it did.

We, as men, have a duty to our future love to “get it out of our system” first, whatever “it” is for you.

2: Put in the time to learn about HER.

You’ve met a new woman, awesome! Congratulations!

…now what?

Well, we each have a duty to learn who this person really is. I don’t mean what she does for a living, or what her nationality is, or even what her future goals are. While those things are important, they don’t define someone’s identity.

What has she been through in her past? How have these experiences shaped how she sees herself and the world around her? What is her relationship history like? What are her values, beliefs, religious or political views? What type of future does she envision for herself and her partner?

This is a duty because it’s non-negotiable. Lots of men just go through the motions when they’re dating and operate at the depth of a puddle, when they really need to dive into the ocean.

You cannot fully love someone if you don’t fully understand them, and you can only achieve that through honest, meaningful, and mutual communication.

The truth is that you may not like everything that you learn, either. We all have a past, and some are more checkered than others. This, though, is part of full acceptance in love. Understand that the past is the past, and it made her (and you) into the current version.

When you learn about the things that make her unique, you can fall deeper in love with her for all of the right reasons.

3: Provide safety and security.

Non-negotiable.

There is no arguing against the duty of a man to make the woman in his life feel safe and secure.

The importance of safety stretches far beyond the physical, also. Feeling emotionally, mentally, and spiritually safe with you is just as important.

This requires you holding the space for her to confide in you, to be fully herself around you, to “complain” to you, to tell you all of the things that she’s never told anyone else before…

…and doing so knowing that you’ll never judge her.

Feeling safe in a relationship is one of the most overlooked but also one of the most important requirements, because if (either man or woman) doesn’t feel like they can sleep soundly beside you at night, they certainly won’t fully emotionally invest or commit for the long term, either.

4: Provide consistent reassurance.

“James, are you saying that women are needy and insecure?”

I am saying that all of us like to know that the person we’re falling for (or have fallen for) has mutual feelings towards us.

Some people (ahem, guys…) are less inclined to express these feelings or emotions, even when they’re being felt strongly.

If they’re not being expressed, the other person may simply assume they don’t exist in the first place.

And the truth is that, yes, some of us (both men and women) need more reassurance than others.

It’s our duty, therefore, to ensure that the woman in our life knows we appreciate, care for, and value her.

“She already knows that!”

That doesn’t mean she’s lost the appreciation of hearing it and feeling it from you. I’m sure that you wouldn’t like it if she stopped telling and showing you how much she cared…so the feeling is mutual.

5: Honor physical and emotional boundaries.

Repeat after me:

Everyone is still a fully autonomous individual regardless of their relationship status.

In other words, no level of commitment or love makes you entitled to another person in any way, shape, or form.

Part of being in a relationship is fully respecting your partner, and that requires respecting the boundaries they’ve set for themselves.

If they’re too tired, but you’re married, you’re not entitled to any sort of sexual activity unless they agree.

If they’ve given themselves fully to you, you’re not entitled to take them for granted just because you’ve “got them.”

People still choose what they want and don’t want for themselves at all times, and it’s your duty as a man in a relationship to respect and honor those decisions, no matter what.

6: Set your OWN boundaries, too.

Let’s not get it twisted here, gentlemen: In no way am I suggesting that you should sacrifice yourself for the sake of being in a relationship.

Part of our duties is also understanding and setting our own boundaries.

The “everyone makes their own decisions” includes you, too…and giving yourself fully to another person in a relationship doesn’t mean sacrificing that right.

You, also, must decide and remember what treatment you’ll accept, and what treatment you won’t.

Then, it’s up to you to express these boundaries to your partner in clear but kind terms.

Just because you’re striving to give them happiness doesn’t mean you should sacrifice yourself in the process. All respect must be mutual in a relationship.

7: Provide support and encouragement.

What is it that your partner is passionate about?

Pursuing another degree?

Building another business?

Volunteering in the local community?

Wanting to be a stay at home parent?

As long as one’s passion is not harmful, dangerous, or illegal, I believe it’s our duty as men to support and encourage their pursuit of it.

Healthy love makes you feel more like yourself, not less…and that means giving you the space and freedom to pursue the things that are truly important to you as an individual.

It’s part of building a healthy and strong relationship. If one (or both) of you feels as though your partner isn’t in your corner, or doesn’t believe in you, then what kind of partnership is that, really?

Teams stand by and support each other. We simply cannot function otherwise.

8: Provide HONESTY and TRUTH.

Full support and encouragement doesn’t mean letting someone walk into the fire when you see it coming.

Sure, we all need to learn the hard way sometimes, but I believe that part of being in a relationship is valuing honesty and truth above comfort, if that comfort is based on dishonesty.

Is there ever a reason to tell a “white lie”? That’s a controversial topic and you can share your thoughts in the comments.

I believe that for the vast majority of situations, though, the duty to be honest and truthful with our partner will always exist.

At the end of the day, they’ll respect us for not feeding them falsehoods and lies, even if that would’ve been “easier” to hear.

Granted, this requires a level of maturity from our partner, and their willingness to value truth over comforting lies, as well… but if you don’t align on this philosophy, that may be a sign to dig deeper into what else you disagree on, especially if you’re looking to receive honesty from them, in return (as you should be).

9: Work to make their life easier WITHOUT them having to ask.

Relationships are about mutual contribution to each other’s lives.

No, not in a “tit for tat” way, or in a way that seeks something in return for kindness.

Rather, in the way that both people want to put in the effort to make their partner happy.

When this mutual effort exists, both partners will feel valued, cared for, and looked after.

They’ll feel special and seen.

Also, they’ll feel fulfillment from giving to their partner, enhancing their happiness.

The caveat here is that these actions should exist without needing to be prompted. If someone needs to express frustration, or feel neglected, or step up and ask for something special from you, it drastically reduces the impact and sends the message that: “Fine, I’ll do what you want if you bug me enough for it.”

That’s a vastly different sentiment than “I do these things for you because I love you, I don’t need a reason.”

10: Hold on to your masculine energy.

WARNING: CONTROVERSY AHEAD.

It took me 10 points to start a fight, and we still have 5 points to go.

Before you space-bar your way to the comment section, hear me out about this:

While gender roles are blurred, women are making more money than men, exceeding in education more than men, and are finding their voices more prominently than men…

It does not mean a woman wants to “be the man” in a relationship.

I fully believe that no matter how strong or independent a woman is, she still enjoys being cared for, and being able to lay down the sword at the end of the day while a man makes her feel loved, adored, and protected.

I have spoken to and coached enough women over the past 15 years to say this with the utmost confidence.

Even more importantly, though, I’ve experienced it in my own marriage.

Rachel was a single mother of two when we met. She’d left an abusive marriage while she was pregnant, and was running a 14,000 square foot indoor playground by herself, through it all.

She is relentlessly driven and has never “needed” me, or any other man.

However, after 6 years together, we’ve settled into an agreement where I am happy to provide for the family.

Everyone is going to have different needs and different arrangements, but I personally believe that you cannot ignore, nor fight, biology.

We all have our own tendencies and the things that we truly want at our core.

It doesn’t matter how strong a woman is, she is not trying to overpower you. In contrast, she wants her strength to match yours, so you can work together, do what you both feel most secure in, and create harmony together as a team.

You cannot do this if you submit yourself to her because of her strength, forcing her to pick up the slack in both masculine and feminine energy.

11: Be INSPIRED by her strength, NOT intimidated by it.

What’s the other side of the coin within point #10 above?

Many men see a woman who’s got her shit together and start questioning themselves as a result:

“What could I possibly bring to her life?”

“She makes more money than me, she doesn’t need me.”

“I don’t think I can keep up with her.”

All self-defeating, and frankly bullshit narratives that we tell ourselves when we’re feeling “less than.”

Here’s the thing, though: She probably doesn’t think any of that about you.

She wants to be with you as a partner, a teammate, a friend and lover along the road of life.

She wants you to admire and respect her, as she does to you.

Too many men bite their nose off despite their face as they shy away from women who display strength. This, in itself, is a sign of insecurity and self-doubt, neither which are attractive or suited for a relationship with a woman of this stature.

When you find yourself reverting back to this narrative, just remember point #10, and also remember what you can bring to the table.

12: Work to learn and meet their needs.

We all have our own needs in a relationship.

Some are mental, some are emotional, some are physical and sexual.

While true fulfillment can only come from within, there are needs that we all should have met by our partner in a healthy and thriving relationship.

In order to meet these needs, we must first understand them.

How can we best show up for our partner?

What do they enjoy, or not enjoy, sexually?

If we are committing to be with one person for the rest of our lives, this is a massive consideration to make.

You are their one source of sexual satisfaction for the rest of their life. Are you willing and able to give them what they want and need?

(Duh, you need to be fulfilled too…but it must be mutual).

Are you willing and able to be there for them emotionally as well?

Learning and understanding our partner’s needs is paramount because some people are less likely to express them than others, but that doesn’t mean the needs don’t exist. In fact, it could create a distance between you caused by lack of communication, or misunderstanding.

NOTE: This is not just for the beginning of a relationship. We must work to “keep the spark alive” for the entirety of our time together. To keep dating each other. To express our attraction. To stay sexually active. To maintain an emotional and intimate connection. This is a lifelong commitment, one that we must make if we hope to fan the flames of romance in the long run.

Never stop doing the things that attracted someone to you in the first place.

13: Cultivate communication skills.

Men are notorious for being sub-par communicators. In fairness, the “communication center” in our brain is substantially smaller than that in a woman’s brain, so we’re starting off at a disadvantage.

The question is, are you going to use that as an excuse? Or see it as an opportunity for growth?

Communication isn’t easy to learn, but it is possible. We must put in the work, time, and energy to understand the best ways to express ourselves to our partner, as well as to actively listen and pay attention.

This is a duty because communication is going to be the foundation of your relationship for its entirety, and if that’s the rest of your life, it should certainly be a priority.

Healthy communication can reinforce a lot of the points in this article, particularly about understanding each other’s wants, needs, and desires.

It can prevent problems and arguments, and it can also help you move through them in a more productive and healthy way when they do arise.

It’ll help you feel more understood, and help you understand your partner better, too.

Once you understand that communication is a skill, there is no excuse for failing to cultivate it.

14: Stay true to your identity and purpose.

Many men I’ve coached in the past have faced this challenge:

They find themselves drawn to a woman, and want to do whatever it takes to win her over.

As a result, they begin immersing themselves into her life.

They put more time into the things she loves, and less time into their own passions…the ones they held when they first met.

They do this thinking that they’ll show her how serious they are, and that she’ll fall in love as a result.

In reality, though, some of the things a man is giving up are the very things that drew her to him in the first place.

She liked your ambition.

She was attracted to your passion for your hobbies.

She respected how you built your network and the way you contributed to your community.

If you give this up, you’re sacrificing one of the things she loved about you in the first place, thus removing the very attraction that it caused.

I am by no means saying that you should prioritize your interests and passions above her. The relationship must be nurtured properly in order to grow and be maintained over time…

But, balance is key, and one must stay focused on themselves if they’re going to show up for others, too.

15: Prioritize YOUR OWN health and fitness.

Not everything you do for someone has to do with them, sometimes it has to do with you.

I saw an Instagram reel the other day from a married man.

He jokingly posted a few photos of himself before he met his wife.

His shirt was off, his abs were chiseled, most were taken in the gym.

Then, he posted photos from after his marriage, as she cooks for him often.

He joked about his double chin, he is overweight, he was popping out his belly in many of the photos.

Now, listen, in no way am I body shaming anyone nor making assumptions about someone’s health and fitness. We all look different ways and are built uniquely.

The point I’m making here is that it’s not funny to let yourself go and sacrifice your own health in a relationship.

If someone truly cares for and loves you, they’re going to want you to be around for as long as possible.

This means staying physically healthy to the best of your abilities.

Yes, health scares come to us all at different times, but that doesn’t mean we can’t care for ourselves or take preventative measures.

The same goes for your mental, emotional, and spiritual health.

We have a duty as men to care for our mental health, to talk about how we’re feeling, to seek help if and when we need it.

We have a duty to remain present with, and connected to, our partner in a relationship.

To do so, we must stay connected to ourselves.

We must care for ourselves if we hope to care for another.

We must love ourselves if we hope to love another.

We must prioritize ourselves if we hope to prioritize them.

“Self-care” is not selfish…it’s necessary if we hope to be at our best for the person we love.

If we can’t carry out that duty, we won’t be equipped to honor any of the others, either.

You are the foundation that your life and relationships is built upon. Make sure the foundation is a strong one.

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