You Deserve To Have These 11 Needs Met In Your Relationship
EXCLUSIVE ADVICE & OFFERS RIGHT TO YOUR INBOX (NEVER SPAM)
We all have our own wants, needs, and desires in a relationship. While it’s (obviously) not my place to say what anyone else’s are, I believe there are some universal needs (not wants) that all of us seek to fill when we commit ourselves to someone.
These 11 will be met when you’re with the right person:
1: The need to be fully seen.
When was the last time you felt like someone really saw you? I don’t mean simply looking at you, I mean seeing you beyond the surface.
Being fully seen is how you feel truly accepted by your partner, because they recognize all of the little details that make you…well, you.
And, after they’ve recognized them, they still choose you over anyone else. This can only happen if they truly accept and love you despite (and because of) all of those little quirks you have.
I don’t mean they have to like every little thing, nor do you about them. It’s natural for us to get on each others’ nerves, have habits that are annoying, or never fully agree on which damn Netflix show to watch…but love is about acceptance of these differences, rather than calling things off because of them.
When your need to be fully seen is met, you can show up as your full and authentic self without feeling like you’re being judged by your partner.
2: The need to be desired.
I’m not just talking about feeling attractive, or sexy, or lusted after by your partner. I’m talking about desire. The deep-rooted and visceral certainty that this person wants all of you — not just physically, but emotionally.
If you don’t feel desired by your partner, a cycle of insecurity can begin. You’ll wonder if they love you, care about you, are still attracted to you — or even, if they’re cheating on you and getting their “needs” met elsewhere.
This need to feel desired is met by building emotional intimacy and connection together over time. It’s not something that you do once. It’s not “set it and forget it.” Feeling desired (and making your partner feel desired in return) is only something that can be done if you both choose each other every single day.
It won’t always be perfect, life gets in the way, sometimes we just don’t “feel like it,” and that’s okay. This is a marathon, not a sprint. What’s important is that we keep putting in effort, keep trying, and that you and them both know that you’ve been chosen by each other. Today, and always.
3: The need for respect.
Not just to be respected, but to respect them in return.
Respect in a relationship is multi-faceted. You need to respect your partner’s opinions, and their boundaries, and their standards, and their needs…just as they must respect yours.
Respect is shown through actions. Through not crossing the line. Through putting in the work to show they’re valued (point coming up). Through making them a priority in your life — because you’d only do that for someone you really respect and care for.
Simultaneously, you need to feel a deep sense of respect for your partner in return. For who they are, the choices they make, how they live their life, how they care for you and others…
If only one of you truly respects the other, or if respect is lacking completely, eventually the relationship will crumble under the weight of its absence.
4: The need to feel valued.
Your value as a human needs to come from within — it’s nobody’s job but your own to decide your worth.
However, feeling valued in a relationship is a need that someone else must help you fill. You cannot feel valued by another person simply because you decide to, they must put in the work to show you that’s how they feel.
When someone truly values you, you’ll feel it through their actions. They’ll be looking for ways to make your life easier, openly communicating with you, taking the time to listen, and making you a priority in their life.
Someone who really values you will make sure that you never feel unappreciated or taken for granted.
5: The need for pride.
Not pride in the sense of arrogance, but the need to feel proud that you’re with this person, and that they’re proud to be with you as well.
Why is this a need? Because feeling proud of someone, or proud to be with someone, is the fuel of mutual admiration and respect. If you’re not proud to be with this person, you won’t feel excited, passionate, certain, or secure about the relationship.
You’ll always be wondering if you made the right choice. You’ll question their actions and decisions. You’ll feel taken for granted if they’re not proud to be with you as well.
You should be proud of who they are as a person, and also of who you are when you’re with them.
It must be reciprocal — life is too short to be with someone who’s not proud to have you.
6: The need for inspiration.
Being with an “inspirational” partner maybe isn’t the first thing that comes to your mind as a need, but hear me out:
A clear sign of a healthy relationship is when the simple presence of this person in your life makes you want to become the best version of yourself.
Imagine being with someone who doesn’t inspire, motivate, encourage, or support you as a person or a partner. Imagine spending your life with someone who is happy with a mundane, stagnant existence while you are secretly screaming inside because you want so much more.
Suddenly, defining this as a “need” doesn’t seem so crazy.
This isn’t about giving you motivational talks or plastering your bedroom walls in inspirational quotes — they’re your partner, not your life coach.
It’s about being with someone who you want to do better and be better for. Someone who makes you reflect. Someone who you know that you have to earn the privilege of being with. Otherwise, everything will just fall flat.
7: The need for safety.
Safety is a big one — not just physical safety, but emotional safety. Being with someone who makes you feel safe and secure is the foundation of many other points in this article.
If you’re wondering where trust is in these points, it’s a byproduct of feeling safe. You trust someone because you feel safe with them.
You’ll never feel respected if you don’t feel safe. You won’t feel trusted, or trusting. You won’t feel like you can let this person in, or let your guard down, or be truly yourself around them.
You’ll feel safe knowing that they support you and care for you — and you’ll never be left questioning their intentions.
8: The need for a safe space.
Alright, don’t have a hissy fit if you’re one of those people who makes fun of “safe spaces,” that’s not what I’m talking about here.
I’m talking about the ability to take the mask off and let your guard down. To let your secrets out, to be your messy, un-put-together self around someone — and have them love you just the same.
No acts, no games, no facades. Just the real version of you, and the real version of them.
The happiest couples are the ones who can open up and be honest with each other — and that honesty comes from the comfort knowing they will never be judged for who they are.
9: The need for support.
I know, you’re strong and independent and don’t need no man/woman — but if you do choose to be in a relationship, you absolutely need to feel like they support you. And, you must be willing to support them.
This is a need because being with someone who doubts your abilities or talent will infiltrate your mind and begin making you doubt yourself. It could make you resent them. It might make you stray away from your passions and purpose. It might even hold you back from achieving all that you’re capable of.
Feeling supported by your partner goes hand in hand with feeling respected, heard, seen, and trusted. They’re standing behind you because they believe in you, and that might just be the extra push you need to reach new heights.
10: The need for intimacy.
If you think this point is just about sex, it’s not.
What it does mean, is that your needs for intimacy — no matter what they are for you — have to be met in your relationship.
Sometimes, compromise is necessary if the two of you have different needs and desires. If this is the case, you must ask yourself if you are truly okay with the compromise.
Some people just need a deep rooted emotional connection and don’t focus so much on the physical. If that’s you, then that’s great!
Some people have high sex drives and need more activity than others. If that’s you, then that’s great!
One can see, though, where these two types of people may face conflict if they get together.
It’s not about what’s “right” or “wrong.” It’s not about what’s “normal” or “different.” The only thing that it’s about is knowing what is true for you on a personal level and making sure that you feel seen and cared for in this area.
11: The need for security.
Have you ever been with someone who runs hot and cold? On and off? You never quite know if they’re fully in or out in the relationship?
How can you fully immerse yourself into the commitment? How can you let yourself truly love them? How can you put your own feelings in their hands if you’re not sure if they’ll be walking away tomorrow or not?
The simple answer is: You can’t.
This is why a feeling of security in the relationship (and your partner) is one of the most important needs we have to get met.
When you feel secure that your partner is in it for the long haul (and so are you), it will empower you to start looking into the future, making bigger plans, pursuing goals together, fully intertwining your life with theirs.
Without that, you’ll always be half-in and half-out…you know, just in case things go south.
Relationships are not a part time commitment. You’re either in, or you’re out. And when you’re both all in — nothing can tear you apart.Subscribe to my newsletter “The Next Level” for honest and uncensored advice normally reserved for private clients.
James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.
Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.
EXCLUSIVE ADVICE & OFFERS RIGHT TO YOUR INBOX (NO SPAM)