The Real Reason You’ll Never Find True Love
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So many people go through the day waiting for a magical serendipitous moment to happen to them, bestowed by the universe. A gentle hand-touch while you’re both reaching for the same roll of paper towels. A Spark of lightning as you bump into each other while you’re both posting the same sidewalk graffiti on your Instagram story. A fateful Tinder match.
Any time I post something about ‘true love’ or romance or ‘the right man/woman,’ the responses overwhelmingly lean in one direction: I’m waiting!
And, therein lies the problem.
In any other area of life, we define what we want, and set action steps to go after it. Career goals, fitness goals, weight loss, a benchmark for your business – whatever it is, we see it as a goal with a process to get there.
Except for love.
Why is it that arguably the most important thing in our lives, we leave up to chance? Nobody teaches us *how* to date. Nobody teaches us *how* to love ourselves first. And, we wonder why we are struggling with both.
I am not saying that dating should be some sort of robotic process where you check off boxes and eliminate the worst fits for you like a tournament bracket, just the opposite, actually. Dating should be about connection, and passion, and chemistry – but those things do not just float down out of the sky and sprinkle onto you like fairy dust.
Do you want to know the real reason you’ll never find true love? It’s because love isn’t something that you find. It’s not something you pick up off of the ground like a lost dollar bill.
It is something you consciously create, choose, and build alongside another human being. True love is something that you put effort into. True love is prioritizing your relationship, and the other person in it.
This is why when people tell me they’re ‘waiting,’ I always ask them if they’re waiting, or if they’re putting in conscious effort every day to find the right person. More often than not, there is no response.
Dating is work, but it doesn’t have to feel like work. It should be fun and enjoyable – but it still takes two people who are willing to put in the required effort.
That’s the challenge these days, isn’t it? People who aren’t willing to put in the work. We are walking away at the first sign of conflict (I don’t mean red flags or abuse, you should definitely run away from those). I mean small issues that can easily be solved by better communication or compromise. If the small waves rock the boat, what would a storm do?
We aren’t building a foundation with each other anymore through communication and bonding. We’re not sitting down 1-1 and really having meaningful conversations; we’re simply texting emojis to each other and being pen-pals.
If we really want deeper, more fulfilling connections, then we have to understand that it’s not just something that appears on the first date.
Think about what you do for work now, or what sport you play, or what hobby you have. Were you automatically great when you first started? Or do you look back at where you began and see how far you’ve come? Anything worthwhile is a process. It takes time to build.
Why are we willing to put in this time and dedication to work and hobbies, but not to each other? I think perhaps it’s because we’ve lost sight of how fulfilling being in the right relationship really is. Having a teammate, a partner in crime, a support system. A lover, but also a best friend.
I believe that once we remember what love really feels like, we’ll stop waiting around for it – and start working to build it again.
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I feel your posts are great for the most part. In this I feel however that you’re referring to work to keep the relationship GREAT. Not that there’s no effort, more like the effort is something you naturally like doing for your partner. It shouldn’t feel like work. If it does, if it’s something you do because you feel you HAVE to, then you may be with the wrong person. When you’re with the right person, things should flow. That’s our take on it anyway. Also you speak of people not connecting with the love of their life. Yes, you have to put out effort to find them. For us, we connected online. She had been watching my profile for a while. Many women asked me about some of the info on my profile. I answered and most said ok and that was it. She wanted to know more. No one ever had before and that was the first sign she WAS indeed who I was looking for and I was who she was looking for. We’ve now been together for 6.5 years and though we’ve had adversity from the outside, when we’re together, that’s each of our favorite place to be. Our favorite person to be with.
Epic post, my friend. Succinct, focused and authentically practical. Yet, some will be dismayed at the simplicity. “Waaaat, James, all I gotta do is and all will come true?” Well, as you poignantly enunciate, that “work” is ubiquitous in and of itself. It’s often “inner work” we need to do as maintenance WHILE IN a relationship, married to the “work” we do WITH our partners. And the “work” is also our reactions, as you point out (will those small waves capsize you?).
Fantastic writing/advice that with insight, acceptance and a dose of bravery, we can all ENACT to bring the love we so desire to the surface of our painting called life. Toss on the colors!
So…why are you single?
Well, I recently sold all of my belongings and moved across the country with a single suitcase to pursue my dreams. I’ve learned through experiences over the last few months that I’m not yet in a phase of life where I can commit the amount of energy to a good woman that she’d deserve, as well as effectively build my own life.
While we’re sharing personal details, how about you?
On Saturday, December 16, 2017, James Michael Sama wrote:
> James Michael Sama posted: ” So many people go through the day waiting for > a magical serendipitous moment to happen to them, bestowed by the universe. > A gentle hand-touch while you’re both reaching for the same roll of paper > towels. A Spark of lightning as you bump into each other ” >
While I am more than willing to put in an abundance of effort for a relationship, I think the hard part is finding a worthy candidate. All too often available men are available for good a reason… It gets tiring putting in effort in relationship after relationship only to realize it was all for nothing because he just isn’t the person he initially put forward, or he just isn’t willing to put any effort in himself. When there is a decent, respectful, real, trustworthy, man willing to commit and put effort in, I am ready to do the same… I think women are waiting to find a person worth putting the work into, not necessarily a magical fairy tale meeting .
I knew the answer before reading your article. And laughed when you totally missed the mark. While I do think that loving someone can and will be work (the amount of satisfaction from that work will depend on the readiness and degree of efforts), “true love” is a fanciful concept promoted by book sellers and Hollywood. There is no such thing as true love with sparks flying, angels singing, etc. Naive people believe in Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and Cupid. Grow up and you’ll find love. Live in a Disney fantasy world and you’ll always be falling in and out of “true love”.
I agree with this. I think you’ve assumed that the fairy tale definition of “true love” you’ve given here is also my – or everyone else’s – definition that this is referring to, which is simply not the case.
Love and relationships are work that bring you through challenges and struggles and roadblocks. “True love” gets you through it by choice. Nobody said anything about birds singing and fairies flying around. That’s just not real life and I never said it was.
I didn’t assume anything. I read your first two paragraphs:
[…] a magical serendipitous moment to happen to them, bestowed by the universe. A gentle hand-touch while you’re both reaching for the same roll of paper towels. A Spark of lightning as you bump into each other while you’re both posting the same sidewalk graffiti on your Instagram story. A fateful Tinder match.
Any time I post something about ‘true love’ […]
And later this: […] float down out of the sky and sprinkle onto you like fairy dust
Nowhere did you dismiss this definition of”true love”. You simply stated that people must not wait for it to come to them, that they have to create it.
Of course an editor, associate or good proofreading after a day of writer’s rest would have helped you see the folly of your logic. Not to mention a good university class in Journalism 101.
Journalism? I’m a guy with a blog on the internet writing his opinions, not a journalist. Lol.
Well since most women today aren’t like the good old days anymore which certainly explains why so many of us good men are still single today as i speak.
Hmmm, the good old days when women were suppressed and had to be obedient to their master, excuse me, i meant husband? LOL.
Most women today have just too many unrealistic expectations since they just want the real MR. Perfect Guy. Grow very old all alone with your cats.
Was just logging on to see about what happened to being a gentleman and found this website. Interesting. As an older woman (70 – but don’t look it LOL!) its interesting to see the perspectives of men and women and the elusive “true love” concept. Having been married twice – 1st time divorced after 11 years – no children, 2nd time (1 child) now I’m widowed – I still don’t know. I don’t know if true love exists on different levels at different points in time at different ages. I married the first time at 19 and thought I was in love – turned out I guess I was at that time but I was too young now thinking back, but it sure felt like it at the time, although I had doubts. Second time I was knocked off my feet – he was the love of my life – but I don’t think the feelings were mutual – he was a 40 year old bachelor and I was 33 years old and wanting so much to have the “husband, child and home” perfection and was so taken by his intellect, 5 languages including French, and his blue eyes and charm. Loved him til the day he died and now I miss him and will probably compare every man I meet to him. So, guess he was my true love. But the marriage could have been much better if he were able to “share” and not be so secretive and elusive. I asked him one day if he loved me and he replied, “What is Love?” He liked to push my buttons. I think I got him on the rebound, turned out the woman before me was tall, bond, blue eyes and spoke French too. I think she was his soul mate but she left him in Paris for another woman. How do you recover from that? So, then comes the next question – how does sex tie into love? You’d be surprised how many people screw that one up – if you pardon the pun. I’m one of them. So, true loves exists on many levels, at different stages in life, at different places in time. That one person, who fills your heart with joy, with whom you feel safe and secure, and who can arouse you just by walking into a room and looking in their eyes and hearing their voice. It comes and goes. Hard to recover from a broken heart. So true love and broken hearts go hand in hand. And at this point, my old heart could never handle it. I’ll just enjoy my solitude and serenity and insulate myself from the pain. Sex is all a person really needs anyway.
Well since most women unfortunately are very evil nowadays thanks to feminism, which they really are very much to blame anyway to begin with. Just so many very awful stuck up loser women everywhere us single men go trying to meet one that is Normal. Ops did i really say Normal, Where?