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What NOT To Do If Your Wife Won’t Have Sex With You

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If you haven’t heard by now, there is a Excel spreadsheet floating around the internet that a 26 year old man sent to his 26 year old wife. The spreadsheet chronicled the previous six weeks of their relationship, how many times he attempted to initiate having sex, and all of the reasons why she declined.

spreadsheet

She posted the spreadsheet on Reddit, along with this note:

Yesterday morning, while in a taxi on the way to the airport, Husband sends a message to my work email which is connected to my phone. He’s never done this, we always communicate in person or by text. I open it up, and it’s a sarcastic diatribe basically saying he won’t miss me for the 10 days I’m gone. Attached is a SPREADSHEET of all the times he has tried to initiate sex since June 1st, with a column for my “excuses”, using verbatim quotes of why I didn’t feel like having sex at that very moment. According to his ‘document’, we’ve only had sex 3 times in the last 7 weeks, out of 27 “attempts” on his part. 

Needless to say, there are probably very few (if any) worse ways to handle this situation, on both of their parts. The fact that he felt the need to email his own wife a spreadsheet like this says a lot about his communication skills, or lack thereof, which could be part of the reason why she doesn’t feel intimately connected to him. Duh.

On the flip side, this is a very private issue that she chose to make public to the entire world, so neither party made the optimal choice in how to handle this.

homer

I understand that consistent avoidance of intimacy from your own wife can be frustrating, but there is obviously more going on here than meets the eye. The very method of “handling” the issue is a red flag about the rest of the relationship that none of us even know about.

Perhaps, instead of complaining in such an impersonal manner (or complaining at all), the husband should have sat down with his wife and voiced his concerns to her like an adult. There is still a lot to learn at 26, or at any age, but this is high-school mentality nonsense.

Though, I guess the only good thing I can say about this is, at least he didn’t just go out and start cheating on her (hopefully).

This issue shows the importance for all of us to put more effort into effective communication in our relationships, and it also gives society a catalyst to start the overdue discussion.

What are your thoughts on the situation? How do you think the husband should have handled his frustrations? Do you think his wife is being genuine in her “excuses,” or do you think that she is unhappy in other ways and is purposely avoiding physical contact with him?

Better yet, how much longer do you think this marriage will last? Leave your thoughts in the comments below!

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133 Comments

  1. Goddess Bella Donna on July 23, 2014 at 4:02 pm

    What we don’t get to see or hear about is how many times before this he tried to actually have a conversation with her and got rejected. How he tried to initiate sex. If he ever shut her down (oh yes it goes both ways) and a million other reasons.
    Personally speaking. I am of the school that says. I will try talking to you about an issue in a nice way only so many times, after that the topic is closed and I’ll handle it my way.
    A little suggestion to BOTH GENDERS …you never want to get to the point where your sexuality as a couple begins being a mute point. At least not until you are at least in your late 60’s.

    I know why you figured that was a good topic for the “gentlemen” ideas, but honestly that is not a Gentlemen issue, that is a HUMAN issue. Both genders.

    • James Michael Sama on July 23, 2014 at 4:04 pm

      Totally agree – I didn’t intend to approach this as a “gentleman” topic, while it is obvious he certainly did not handle it like one. I wrote this to address both sides of the coin which I attempted to do, but may have come up short.

      There is a lot more going on in this marriage than people seem to be willing to discuss, so my goal was to open up the conversation to a deeper level.

      • Drew on October 14, 2017 at 1:47 pm

        I’m sick of it always being “the guys fault”. My wife of 15 year’s only let’s me go down on her, bringing her an orgasm, but won’t touch me ANYWHERE. She refuses to reciprocate and give me oral sex, won’t touch me down there, hell, she won’t even make out. I’m left to jerk off by myself constantly, and she knows it. I tell her. She is totally grossed out by sperm. Doesn’t like to see it, touch, much less taste it or have in inside her. Sex to her is her getting oral sex until she cums, and me going to the bathroom to relieve my needs. I’ve explained to her so many times how this makes me feel. I’ve given her everything she wants, I’ve become affectionate, I give her foreplay as long as she wants. I hold her had and hug her constantly. I told her I would do ANYTHING to fulfill her fantasies, ANYTHING. Want me to be an ex-boyfriend, no problem. Want me to be a knight in shining armour. No problem. Want me to wear your underwear and pretend to be a GF. Whatever. I’ll do whatever she wants and I’ve told her this. But still nothing. I’m done. I’ve told her it’s a one way street and I’m done being her “lap dog”. It’s not always the guys fault.



      • Rob W on October 15, 2017 at 12:21 am

        Women are the prime suspects . I would say they are responsible for 80% of problems within partnerships , or marriages.
        Hence 75% of marriages are ended by the woman.
        Women’s biology is the most common reason, they simply just lose their attraction, period.



      • Tom on November 16, 2017 at 12:25 am

        At 55 with two long relationships in my rear view mirror and reading all of this it made me feel glad. Clearly most people here want to affect positive change and experience great relationships. Male or Female, why is it so difficult for each person to focus on what will do no harm to that other person who supposedly is a love of their life? Thats the skill set I focused on after discovering buddhism and using those teachings to take a close look at my role in causing my unhappiness. That made a big difference. Now I focus on seeing reality about myself and seeing the capabilities and limitations I bring to my life. And that gives me strength and courage to be a better participant in all my relationships. This has also sharpened my ability to sense where my potential relationship interests are in their lives, which has led to some endings, but also deepened a few really good friendships and even resulted in beautiful intimacy on occassion. I think the more we can focus on taking real responsibilty for our own impediments to happiness the sooner we will attract someone who has that same experience. And conversely the more we cling to beliefs that keep us resentful and suffering, the further we become from ourselves and thus each other. Whether you are in a relationship or not, your happiness and satisfaction is your responsibility. Period. Dont blame it on the other person. But also dont continue when all your efforts lead to a pair of dull cow eyes looking back at you (thanks don henly). Peace.



    • odinseye55 on September 8, 2014 at 10:04 am

      Some times it is not even a human issue both genders. For me it became an issue of what rights I had, not only in the bedroom, but in the extended family and community at large, It got to a place where I now will not allow my wife contact with my father or the people he introduced her to and decided to move 1200 miles west away from any of the society he introduced her to over the last 32 years.
      As late as July this year my father said I did not have any business taking rights that where not given me by him, his friends, and others in the community, He said that includes the right to your wife, If she meets one of my friends for any function you will keep your mouth shut or we will make you hurt for it, This was while him and two of his friends held a Glock nine MM and a colt .45 on me so they could talk to my wife about me without my presence.
      I know I just should have taken the security cam recording of the incident to the police, and left it at that but there comes a point when the fight to keep from being told to sit down shut up and do as you are told required a much more devastating response tan someone getting a few days sitting in a jail and in this state their hands slapped and told you boys really did not have the right to do that then l them go on their way, I decided to show it did not require a gun to tell my wife, my father, my mother, and the community that I am the decider of what rights I controlled for myself, my wife says the reason she went along was to keep violence from happening and me being shot, the two men will now have trouble appearing in public without explaining how they had their faces laid open to the bone while they carried firearms, my father, has nothing to say in my life forever more, and my mother knows I will never succumb to force without retaliation.
      Don’t get me wrong. my wife is free to leave any time, as long as she stays without contact for six months so I can get an abandonment divorce, But she knows she will never see her son again without supervision, because of her bi polar condition. my fathers values will never be imparted to my son for any reason. And the accounts my wife set up and the money stolen from me over 32 years will stay in my control now I have found it, And the society that I was told has the right to impart what rights they thought I deserved can drown themselves in the toilet for all I care.
      My wife sits and cry’s in front of her mother when they have morning tea together now, describes the type of beast I have become over the last fourteen years, How people with more social influence were hurt when I decided they did not matter. all my mother in law said was why did they matter. Why did everyone think your husband sitting here needed to be denied rights he had legally and what he earned at work. She also asked why my wife denied our marriage so others my father believed were socially more important than me could have their way, though y life? What did your husband do that deserved that treatment and why did you allow it? My wife explained that she had never see the damage she saw me do in the last 14 years when my husband decided he was not going to cooperate with those In a higher social position, I have seen him be so rude he took a reservation that was made for another man from him so he would be my escort, you always taught me this was the height of bad manners, And my mother in law said the worst manners were on your father in laws part and yours, That reservation should have never been made, in the first place, and even in your own journals you tell why your husband was finding it a need to defend his own rights. Your father in law had a lot of influence with judges, and community leaders and you helped him get much of that influence, Being the eye candy on many of their arms while your husband worked. She asked my wife if this was right and proper.

      • Gerald Lee Graves on September 23, 2014 at 4:57 pm

        Your a truly nasty person. Take a look in the mirror, if everyone but you agrees, chances are you are the problem.



      • Someone's a Psyco on November 28, 2014 at 12:48 am

        wtf haha



      • isis56 on July 27, 2015 at 1:43 pm

        My husband is nasty, mean tempered, and very much in control of everything I do now, he has used the rotating guardianship assigned by the state to lock the accounts, won’t allow any one to tell him he is not allowed to do as he wishes in his life now and even forced an investigation by both state and federal authorities, to get everyone into trouble for forcing him into doing what was right for every one.

        His father and others used their political and social positions for decades to make sure any complaint he had was buried. and my husband resents what was done to him to his very core, so not even the offer of trying to talk things through now meets with why, you are just going to tell me to shut up and do as I am told again, He said nobody has that right to tell him that now.

        We don’t have anything that can be used to force him to do as others want or need now, I saw him in one instance walk up to a pair of men holding him at bay with pistols, he put his chest to them and told the two one after another, stop being dam cowards and pull the trigger. He said he would meet them in hell when they arrived. if they had know what was coming they might have pulled the trigger after he just about ripped their faces off a few minutes later with his cane.

        For 30 years now we have tried to keep my husband doing what everyone needed, admittedly his rights at home, at work and in society were trampled. but it was the easiest way to get the things done for people that was felt needed to be done.

        Now he cares less what we want, he takes what he wants no matter who it harms or deprives. he does not care who doesn’t like it. what position in society they fill, and he tells me now if I want a change the door is there, and I can walk out it, but as long as he supplied the roof over my head and I stay he does not care about my friends, his fathers, his friends or what any one else wants except him.



    • Frustrated on January 7, 2016 at 10:01 am

      I agree with u that u never get the whole story.so saying that i got question.what do u do if u take care ur girl and pay bills watch kids and take care them and everything is ok until want to have sex and yes i please her well its just feels like its ok for me to pay bills takecare kids and take care house but dont ask for sex or try forplay because get shot down but she says she loves me and we got two beautiful babies but ive tried talkin and she starts argument.she always has to have control.also try be romantic ans nothing.she calls me sex addict because i like to have sex threeto four times week.she puts me down and im just miserable as far as our sexlife but as person i really love her and my family.what dkes anyone think i should do.im about pack up and leave just like some opinions on it thzs

    • inotherwords (@putanotherway) on July 2, 2016 at 1:20 pm

      This is why relationships fail. Not only is this guy getting rejected 90% of the time, but when he tries to open up a dialog about it he gets slammed by the world. I’m sure we can all think of ways that we think would have been better ways to broach the subject, but that’s not the point. The point is he has shown the courage to take steps to try and save their failing relationship and she turns to the world to slam him because her constant rejection isn’t enough.

      Stop treating women as unquestionable, unaccountable princesses. She was taking them down a road to unhappiness and eventual separation. He’s trying to salvage their relationship and morons have the gall to criticize his approach as if there would ever be any approach beyond criticism. As if this is an easy subject to broach.

      If she believed she had any responsibility to maintain their relationship she would have immediately realized rejecting him 90% of the time by blowing him off with lame excuses was a recipe for relationship disaster. Instead she used it as a means to get attention from strangers.

      The message to men is, “suffer in silence”. I’ve seen plenty of times when women complain about getting rejected in their marriage. Almost nobody questions if they’re treating their husband well enough, or if they’re broaching the subject in a nice enough way.

      • rud on August 3, 2016 at 8:13 am

        Absolutely correct. No way this guy didn’t try to talk to her about it multiple times. Does anyone really think he just decided to whip up this spreadsheet on a whim? More than likely after repeatedly trying to talk to her about it, she conveyed that he was exaggerating, which prompted him to take notes -i.e. realize things were even WORSE than he thought. Women, if you’re rejecting you’re husband this much something is wrong and no good will come of brushing it under the rug.



      • D on May 11, 2017 at 6:11 pm

        Absolutely !



      • Anie Rogers on September 12, 2017 at 5:44 pm

        Yup 100% !!!!!!!!!!!!



      • Joe on November 1, 2017 at 3:28 pm

        She is cheating on him and probably has been for a while.People dont just stop having sex by choice.Him not getting any doesnt mean shes not getting any.The person who is complaining is the one that got cut off and doesnt admit or cant accept that the other person is not cut off,is still having plenty of sex.Hope he figures this out so he can go on and find someone who likes him.



      • Another Fed up Guy on January 24, 2018 at 11:51 pm

        I could not agree with this more. I have been encouraging my wife to get help with her lack of interest for years and she does nothing. Even though she says that she knows that she is at least part of the problem her lack of action tells me that she is not interested in helping the marriage. If just about done being made to feel like I should “suffer in silence”.



      • bb on March 27, 2018 at 10:10 am

        Completely agree. Thank you for your sane post.



      • P on October 7, 2018 at 1:55 pm

        You’ve nailed it. TOTALLY agree.



    • wayne on September 29, 2018 at 5:13 am

      Amen to “how many times did he try talking to her about it “. I have dealt with no affection and rejection from my wife for years. I tried many times to discuss it with her and it was always Shields up and arm the weapons. I told her once, we find time and ways to do what we want to do but for something we don’t want to do, excuses are infinite “.. I know that this is true for every excuse she gave when I’d give a solution or a work around, she’d aways find another. If he’s only 26, move on now for nothing is going to change, Just get worse

  2. Ashley on July 23, 2014 at 4:27 pm

    There is a lot that is probably going on in their marriage. I am seeing mostly public opinion criticizing the “horrible wife” for denying him sex, and it pisses me off that so many people think she’s such a bad guy in this for giving her excuses. There’s obviously issues in their marriage, and no it wasn’t the best decision of her to make to go public with this incident. It’s a private matter that they could probably do well by seeking counseling for, because their marriage is obviously not satisfactory for either of them.

    • isis56 on July 18, 2016 at 3:28 pm

      Thank you Ashly: I will tell you that 31 years of trying to keep my husband in line with the eventual offer of sex, vacations, and his rights ended the last three years it total failure starting after three years of post surgical rehab after MRSA took his spine.

      Before he was at a point that any interference started being met with a devistating response usually ending in someone badly hurt Like the last vacation on the orient express I went on in 2009, since 1987 his father, the community and I had tried to get him to only consider taking a vacation between the holiday shutdown for most the plant and February 14th. let people with needs like marriages and kids to consider have he prime vacation considerations. In 2001 things started to get deadly over his seniority and his rights.

      After A brain surgery earlier on that year he decided his seniority of 25 years counted for more than another mans eight years even though he was the son of a county commissioner who had social responsibilities outside the job.

      When my husband took what was known to be a privileged position at the new plant (a position supposed to be held for people of influence and connections ) the union contract was not going to back the communities need in the matter. So my husbands father got into it saying just once we would like him to do something without blackmailing him with the promise of sex from me or out right physically forcing him to back off. I went to my husband actually on my knees begging him to just pull his bid, I promised to normalize our marriage. let him start taking holidays, vacations and weekends as he saw fit and I said with the new plant there were other positions going to be opened so he could wait a few months.

      He turned into a man after that surgery that was loud angry. and non cooperative to the ends of the earth. he pulled his Army foot locker out, and got some equipment I had never seen before out and started practicing with three foot long blades in a sort of dance until I found a certificate verifying he was a 3rd dan Black Belt In Sho Rae in his hands these weapons could end a life in seconds. Since he was force back to work far sooner than he should have been by his father and coworkers They let him have one tenth the time he was told to take off and the only six days he had off in 24 years after the navy. He seemed to know the furor that would be raised about putting in his bid with his 25 years accrued seniority because he also started intense workouts at the union halls gym three hours every day. Then everyone heard the national union sided with him over the job overriding the local.

      The day before the bids were going in I was promising a sex life, everyone would not say a thing any longer in what he wanted with seniority, even to get him included with no complaint from any one in the summer Ireland vacation in 2003 The family and many friends went on these every three years and it was a source of great anger from my husband when we figured out ways to keep him working. every three years we would say just take the mid winter time so others with more need could have the prime times. holidays have also become a bit in his teeth. He wanted them over people with children and tremendous needs. and I could never figure out a way to get both of them take care of. We truly lost track of the time that had past without time off. the arguments were a source of distraction in that because they always left everyone scared and drained. Wishing just one holiday or vacation he was not so vocal about having to work, several argument left me so sick I had to be put in a mental hospital. after he slammed out of the house yelling he had rights to.

      In 2001 he left 4 men dying on our front porch for daring to lay their hands on him to force him to remove his bid. I was so thankful that morning he did not have access to his army foot locker and the weapons it contained. But in under a minute he still displayed he did not need them.

      In 2008 it had been 7 years of armed intimidation to get him to cooperate when he stopped caring if they were used, He even said he hoped they would so he could direct the people using them to their personal lake of fire in hell. One man helping push him into work on thanksgiving had his weapon yanked out of his hands and the butt used on his face putting bone into his brain and his father and 2 others found themselves under the barrel of a 12 guage loaded and ready to fire,. Christmas earned a personal visit from the new sheriff on Christmas after my husband forced two men out of the back seat of his fathers car at 45 MPH Chocked his father out trying to cause a wreak and kicked another mans face through the windshield all because he did not want to work we got told we would be arrested the next trouble.

      The next trouble was May 2009, I had let his father take the vacation paper work and cancel his trip on the orient express. that may. I thought his father kicking in the cancelation fee was very fair and I started working on a five week rental in st Croix the winter of 2010. I was going to hand everything to him at his work gate that Christmas instead of the usual ten he got and the turkey sandwiches for Christmas I was going to tell him that on Saturday the 2nd of January we were leaving for a five week vacation there to make up for the past 24 years. But We arrived at the airport and had his steward and union Chaplin meet us in an office that TSA was letting us tell my husband he had to go back to work while his coworker left with us with his new bride We all knew the coworker had 2 years to my husbands 34, and I was standing there telling my husband that I had the cancelation and fees in my purse and was going to hold them till latter that year. he said and where is my passport I said his father is going to turn it in to TSA and he could pick it up after we were in the air. I was in the air the next second flying across the room with a dislocated shoulder and it took seven men to pry his fingers off his fathers throat getting his passport back. He demanded our double returned and the coworker refused to go back from the airport and take his time latter. my husband had the 6354 dollar check but he made a mistake by threatening to drive to Ohare and catching the direct flight and meeting us at every stop into Istambul to make our life hell TSA conferred with state and nobody wanted overseas trouble over this, so they put him on a months no fly after we came back. As it was I was arrested for grand theft. His father was arrested for theft and theft of a federal ID his passport. I saw my husband at the beginning of October with his father. Barely ten minutes when he finally let me back in the house and have a allowance.

      Even then everyone could tell he was ill. He was almost doubled over in pain. After he left the cafeteria his steward and chapline said we would not get away with what we did. that year. His vacation papers when put in would be the final say in the matter, He would not be all0wed to work another vacation and the holidays were not going to be worked by him he would not even be let in the plant because they would lock his ID out.

      By the end of October he was paralyzed from his upper legs down. A MRSA abscess in his spine had turned it into something the doctors said looked like Swiss chess. By the time he was out of the induced coma, He woke up and thought his legs were just asleep. He had trouble remembering why he was there but he put the bed rails down and tried standing up and promptly hit the floor. The next hour the doctor sat with my crying husband telling him why he did not let him die on the table, .when he was told he would be wheel chair bound. The next three years was learn to use his hands another two surgeries one heart and one gall bladder appendices. and three strokes.

      I had been mostly lonely trying to keep my perpetually angry husband from disrupting lives using myself as the eventual reward for his cooperation. Started back seeing a very old Boy friend that contacted me through Face book. we saw each other every time he was in town the last year. I goofed when I accepted one last meeting with him after my husbands return home. I was expecting his return the week before in a wheel chair. but he walked up the stairs and into the house with a cane he carved in occupational therapy Found out that he still could operate as a man in that respect, He came home and I said we could get a new bed for him in his room so he did not have to get off the floor. he said That was not happening If I wanted into the bed in the master bedroom I would have to get in beside him. I went to the mat until I could think of a way to get him incorporated into the traditions and ways things were done now after 31 years of not being included.

      My last night with my AP Was horrible when my husband trapped us in the drive the next morning. We went in to take things off the street and I found my luggage packed and ready to go, the Guardianship assignment ready for my AP to take. The offer was I could take all household items where ever I went and nothing else. He said I already robed him of 31 years I was getting nothing more. My AP got arrowgent with my husband told him he was just going to take it as I dictated and then he swept my husbands cane as he past going to sit down Started laughing and saying how did I end up with this pathetic looser.

      I should describe my husbands cane he carved and uses. Its 4’4″ tall Made of red oak and toped with a snareling dragons head with red crystal eyes and titainium teeth and fangs and polished in black laquer it weighs 13 and a half pounds My husband still had that cane in his hand as he hit the floor and struggled to sit up. That cane has a removable rubber tip for a ice spike and my husband removed it and drew his arm back holding it like a spear I could see my husband was enraged beyond reason. as that cane fractured my APs scull, when the police arrived even they saw he was in an unreasonable rage. he was slamming his fist into the other man screaming whos the pathetic looser now My AP went to ICU My husband tov a stress center where everything started to unravel. I was accused of abuse of an adult in the marriage, abuse of civil liberties on my husband, basically the doctor was sending everything he had to the DA. His father was so angry leaving the phyc doctors office he stopped where his mother was taking to my heavy drugged husband. started screaming at him about boo hoo you did not get any time off you wanted, boo hoo there was not sex with your wife. when was he going to be a man and just take what he was allowed. The wheel chair that they let my husband use as a walker flew after his farther through plate glass doors flattening him The put my husband in the jacket and back in the cool off room that day. He came home on the worst evening possible the next week I had promised his father and his best friend several months before that I would go to a invitation only social event with my father in laws best friend and mother in law. The center called for his pickup on that cold January day. it was -40 outside and is father suggested they let him walk the 20 miles home in it to build character.

      They found an insurance clause to bring him home. He came in just as I finished getting ready to go. when I was facing him I felt I was trying to get past a grizzly bear in the door. One that could take my head off with one swat. I started crying before the first word was out I said that I had promised this months ago I could not back out of it at this late hour. He was getting angrier by the second and he asked me how many promises had I made him since we married in 1982. How many had I kept to him since, he said lets see I cant count them because the number was 0. He was right in 31 years not one promise made by me was kept. He said well I am making a promise now if I made it out of the house that evening I was not coming back in. I was going to keep the promise I first made him 31 years before starting that evening and any other promise to any one else took last place to him I owed him 31 years of marital life. And he was taking his right as a husband as of that evening.

      He ripped a brand new cocktail dress off me turning it into shreds. I was crying and offering a 100 to meet any where in four hours after the event he wanted so everyone could have a say. HE said I don’t even have a say any longer in his life, I got off the floor after he was done hurting me in forcing me to have the sex I had refused all those years. It was not love but it was rage, anger, and revenge. for what I had helped do to him. I did not make the event and neither did any one else. His fathers friend thought he could bluff his way past my husband when he said get a badge and warrant. He said out of my way crip I am coming in and he ended up face first in the drive with a concustion and a six by four inch flap of skin peeled back.

      The latest incident was a friend of the family meeting my husband at the door to his mothers memorial service telling my husband he would get his rear kicked if he did not go away. My husband looked like the incredible hulk slamming the man around and walking into the funeral home. I could almost here puny friend from him.

      All we heard from the deputies there was he should have stayed out of my husbands face. they actually laughed about that poor man being tossed around like a rag doll.

      I have said before. Things were never meant to get to this point, just others had so many needs my husbands time could provide and all he had to be was compliant not defiant..

      I cry most the time now. I have been under a microscope for the last two years. Nothing is ever cooperated with for any reason. an I just don’t know which way to turn I can’t go back to telling him I am the reward for good behavior. He would just toss me out without my now two year old His fathers been hurt trying to get him to show some manners about being invited on 2015s vacation trip to Cancun. I tried one compromise. I begged him to wait three more years until the Hawaii trip, I would talk myself blue to get him included then since this was his fathers last trip. He shot everything down about it an broke his fathers neck in the exchange of blows wen he refused to allow me to loan a friend his berth price and made a double berth reservation for us.

      I know we used methods to keep my husband from his rights we had no business doing. But did that give him the right to take them by violent means when we tried to keep him from them. I just wanted a life in peace, love and understanding, What I have is a full scale turf war.

      • XOXO on July 19, 2016 at 10:51 am

        How do I stop getting emails from this blog?  I’ve tried and been unsuccessful. 



    • retro on August 11, 2016 at 1:10 am

      Ashley, 90% rejection rate. Sounds like she got what she had coming. Unfortunately, I am way too familiar with this situation. I’m sure that this was a final “FU” to his wife, but it wasn’t anything new to her.
      As if she wasn’t completely aware of the hundred times that she said “NO!” She shouldn’t be surprised that he’s happy that she’s leaving for 10 days! Maybe he’ll get smart and have a few one night stands. This way he can feel wanted again. What else would she expect him to do? Oh wait, be loyal, respectful, loving and caring. Well sounds like he’s tried all that, and she simply says “NO”. If she is not satisfied with her marriage and she chooses to not talk about it. She is purposely sabotaging her marriage. But instead she’ll act as if she’s stupid and wouldn’t have expected that from him. on contrary it is exactly what she expects. Dump her! she sucks!! It will hopefully start to send out a message to masses.

  3. Steve Horsmon on July 23, 2014 at 4:41 pm

    Great one, James. And a hot topic. Here’s a letter from a woman who is trying to explain the DEEPER meaning that may be going on. This link goes to my newsletter. Hope you don’t mind if I put it here. The topic is worth diving into IMO.

    http://archive.aweber.com/stevemain/MwE4D/h/A_Woman_s_Letter_I_Know_You_re.htm

    Love your stuff, guy. Keep up the great work!

  4. ComeLookListen on July 23, 2014 at 4:43 pm

    Great article as usual James. I actual think the spread sheet is a great idea although it would have been better as a hard copy and not an email. It could have been used as a visual and conversation aid. He may have tried to communicate his frustrations merely verbally to no avail. It seems the marriage would benefit from third party intervention and examination of a spiritual, physical and marital nature to expose and remedy their road blocks. I have been married happily to the same man now for 36 years and speak from experience when I say that mutual pleasurable sex is a glue that helps to bond the sanctity of marriage. Laughing, touching, helping each other with chores and creating lots of private jokes are all very helpful also. Face it men (usually more than women) Need and Want Sex. And they will usually get it from someone. This is putting their marriage in peril They need help! I have found the Bible, Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, Light His Fire, Light Her Fire and The Five Love Languages very helpful. Keep up the good work!

    • rlcarterrn on July 23, 2014 at 6:01 pm

      I agree that the spreadsheet might have actually been a good idea if discussed IN PERSON & with the right attitude, admitting that both parties have issues here.

      • James Michael Sama on July 23, 2014 at 6:04 pm

        Yeah, I can see the details and examples being presented as a positive thing – I agree with you both that it really came down to the way it was (or wasn’t) presented.

        Emailing something like this to your spouse for her to open up at work is just ridiculous and asking for more trouble.



      • rlcarterrn on July 23, 2014 at 6:32 pm

        Yeah, exactly. It’s avoiding actually discussing the issue. Which leads me to believe that they don’t discuss issues on a regular basis . . . which leads to a lack of emotional intimacy . . . which leads to a lack of physical intimacy, aka sex . . . It’s all a cycle.



      • James Michael Sama on July 23, 2014 at 6:34 pm

        Couldn’t have said it better myself!



      • odinseye55 on July 19, 2016 at 2:23 pm

        Many of the husbands in this position have talked themselves out: Figured out their wives kept them around for one reason as the piggy bank. A social stepping stone to What was at one time known as respectability.

        The last vacation I had coming before I became ill in 2009. I had trained and worked with a young man with 2 years seniority that had transferred into the department. I had worked everyday 12 or 16 hours a day since my return from the Silent service in 1985. I had 34 years seniority, Been hounded and badgered out of every vacation holiday and weekend I should have been allowed to take off, and my wife would be standing there wringing her hands. asking me if I really needed to take that job, that shift, that weekend, that holiday. or that vacation slot that some one else needed so despratly for their own needs. She would say thing like you know this just sets the day we can start our life back that much farther then follow it with the promise. tell you what the next time we will let you have what you want and even start a sex life then with no one angry or mad they wanted something I took because I had earned it.

        I was back mailed and after 2001 even forced with shotguns and firearms to work because I was not even considered human in their opinion, I was nothing better than a mule. When I became stubborn I was to be beaten into getting my rear up and do as ordered. In 2001 I decided that I was done with the promises my wife gave. I took a job over a privleged crack brained drug dealer who thought his fathers position as the county commissioner gave him protection. I had 25 years seniority to his eight. The national union forced it down the locals throat I was taking the bid. and My father who was the commissioners best friend. came over with the commissioner and told me I was going to remove my name from the bid. I Had been told years before what I would get again if I showed disrespect to my betters in society again. I asked my father at that time if he remember what I said at that time when him and his friend standing next to him cut me off that tree the next morning. I said you remember what I said, I told him if any one laid their hands on me again with out my telling them they could I would take it as an attack upon me and I would do my level best to make sure they went away bleeding and broken he said that was nearly 30 years ago I could not hold a grudge that long.

        I ask others of this forum. How long would you hold a grudge, If one day you pulled up to your house, someone used a golf driver to knocked you out and you found yourself tied to a tree. Your father and four other men demanding an apology for taking back somthing you earned from their sniveling brats.

        Because I would not apologize They used electric cord on my back demanding I say I was sorry for forcing their brats off first string in football. When my mother and wife saw the polariods the surgon took of my back two days latter they became ill. Sections of my spine and ribs were showing through the cuts they had opened with the cord I required 3 units of blood, and 153 stiches plus staples and massive anti biotic infusions. That next morning the crack head and three others laid their hands on me and I reduced four men into grave and critical care patients. I should have killed my father and his friends the next christmas when they started using shotguns to force me to work All holidays and vacation time. I was told just assume it a punishment for my defiance. I just became more defiant the next 13 years, By 2008 I had shatter the face and scull of one of my fathers friends holding a shotgun in my back pushing me through my work gate. I mad sure that Christmas and new years their holiday was in tears after forcing two men out of my fathers back seat hitting the road at 45 mph Then ne3w years puncturing and tossing a can of WD 40 into my fathers car and telling them the oil look is great should go to the new years celebratons for 2009 just don’t let somebody lit a match. MY wife says the last 7 years has been no enjoyment for any one First the Orient trip and my objection to going to work by dislocating her shoulder and Nearly strangling my father to death Then The MRSA in my spine My constant removal of any tradition in the familly by forcing my will on everything. She crys since 2001 if I had just shown some lessening of defiance there would not be over 35 men badly hurt because of my dam rules of using weapons to force me. She said they destroved that everyone that did has been driven off or been hurt because I would track and stalk then then hurt them. She said if just one time I had wished everyone a nice vacation as the left and not venom it could have been worked out over time, I would not have come home after three years in rehab and within three weeks of that return I would not have raped her.

        She said my problem has always been the lack of patience. I think I was to patient. In 2013 I did come home and my wife was in an affair with an old boyfriend. I did find them together when they pulled in the drive that morning and when the jerk swept my cane I did try and kill him. Mostly for laughing and calling me a pathetic looser in my own living room after I slammed into the floor. my father screams I had no right to do that because he was one of my social superiors. I DONT’T HAVE A SOCIAL SUPERIOR, I said like I told my wife in my home I am the right and ruler under the roof I paid for. If she did not like it the door was there her luggage was there and since she had never offered me the same as others she could hit the road Be a tramp on the street.

        The next week I took my right as her husband since she did not hit the road, told her that I was the final judge and arbiter under my roof. and I was the first she owed any life promise to. I then dared everyone to file charges showing her I had copied her journals onto disk the last 34 years. They feel I was mean, should have tried to negotiate a way to have a life over time but I was tired of waiting. No man should haver to be subjected to the dictatorship life I was.

        I know there are women that would say she had rights to her body and time. My return question is why did I end up under court order filed on her behalf in 1987 requiring me to work all hours offered locking me into no time off from 1981 to 2001. why wouldn’t she stand witness against my father and his friends six days after a hole was drilled from over my right eye to the center of my head to the abduction that was commited putting me on my job when I was supposed to stay off another 54 days. why wouldn’t she stand witness when weapons were used to force me to work times I had earned off. All she had to do was say yes they used shotguns or they yanked me off my mat six days after a brain surgery.

        Her excuse was it just did not feel right to turn family and friends in on a federal abduction charge It could have gotten them life behind bars for seeing to their needs. She said was I so petty I wanted to see that for me being forced to work that’s all it was Other needs were greater and I am begrudging everyone there life because I did not get what I wanted in mine. It was not getting what I wanted in mine it was being denied what I had earned, sweated, burned many times over. even bleed over.

        So yes If your criteria is I commited the crime of sexual misconduct after 31 years of marriage with her supplying no sex, I cleaned the house after coming home. mowed the yard, trimmed. drove her to her appointments all while being trapped by her bi polar condition and a guardianship the court wanted 3000000 up front to get out of the marriage. So tell me Who was used and who commited the wrong. She did not supply funds to our marriage she took over 150000 over 30 years because dealing with me was exhausting keeping me in line.

        Keeping me in line means now I meet people holding a 30 30 on the back of my horse to make sure they are not armed that know my father. Telling them to step out of their car to ensure they are unarmed She knows I will hurt someone for any attempt at interference now After my mothers funeral two weeks ago my sister came up and said She saw what I did to my fathers friend when he tried shoving me away. She said did I really have to make him a part of the walls and sidewalk. Mom final wish was try and forgive what was done and bring peace some how and things like what was described as the incredible hulk slamming a friend around on the funeral home steps did not say I forgave anything. She said my father was devastated over what I did after he asked the man to keep me out She said We could have had a private time after the service for me. she had already arranged it but I had to come in and turn a day that was already pain filled into hard pain. MY brother on the other hand said I had the right, I had the only business there as the oldest son. He told my sister and wife he was tired of our grouching about me wanting my way over friends he told everyone if they wanted a fight he would stand with me.

        My father said now the last remaining sons are against him he thinks its time for him to die. All he wanted was to see me be a man that looked to every ones needs before mine. Just have one son like a preist That looked to the society first.



      • Mark on July 19, 2016 at 4:08 pm

        Dude, you got bigger issues than lack of sex.



      • XOXO on July 19, 2016 at 6:35 pm

        Did you send this to me on purpose?  I’m not sure what I did? 



  5. sharon on July 23, 2014 at 4:51 pm

    Im glad im single after reading this (spreed sheet) pffff

    • brandon on December 25, 2014 at 2:14 am

      Wow. Maybe u should say no wonder Im single. U suck! Just like my wife. Oh wait…u don’t. Lol.

    • Herr Doktor on November 8, 2015 at 12:16 pm

      i was glad before i read it. this only helps to confirm it.

  6. See on July 23, 2014 at 5:30 pm

    What a hot topic, but one worth exploring. I can say that most couples I know have a completely different libido. I am planning to ask god what’s up with that when I get to heaven. Rare is the couple that both want to shag like rabbits or can both care less about intimacy for weeks at a time. God seems to play this cruel joke on us. That being said… I think sex is a strong indicator of the relationship. I have been married 20 years, and although are libidos are very different… When the relationship is good, the sex is amazing. When it’s not… It’s flat. I believe, as a wife though, that it is my duty to service my husbands needs in this area to the degree that I can. It’s important to him. Sex is love to him… It makes him feel loved and connected to me and I recognize this as an emotional as well as physical need. Therefore, sometimes I do it JUST FOR HIM. Just because he needs me in this way and I try to play the part as much as possible. It’s part of the give and take in Marriage. My advice to this women…. Just put out already. And work on the relationship in the meantime.

    • GoJoeGo on January 2, 2015 at 2:03 pm

      You should write a column. Some need that kind of advice sometimes.

    • Marc on May 17, 2015 at 8:27 am

      The problem here, at least as it pertains to my experience, is that I want my wife to be an eager, enthusiastic, and desirous participant. Having her “do it JUST FOR ME” feels odd, disconnected, and disingenuous. I want a partner that is as intensely engaged as I am. Part of the pleasure of sex is knowing and feeling you are gratifying your partner…”their pleasure is your pleasure” so to speak. This being said, I do agree with you in part in that it is nice at times to simply give unconditionally to the one you love and care for because you know it will make them happy.

    • Matt on July 2, 2015 at 1:00 am

      Exactly it is the wife’s j
      ob to fulfill her husbands sexual needs WHY ELSE WOULD YOU BE THERE!!!! yes convo and snuggling is nice and all but if there is no sex then don’t cry and sob and wonder what happened when he walks out the door or throws her out on her butt. Men need to be men like now and quit bowing to their wives. Like the bible says men are to LEAD their wives not be led by them. I am not sexists but that spreadsheet is sad he should have left along time ago.

    • Archie James on March 4, 2016 at 10:08 pm

      Thank you so much for that very intelligent grasp on the male logic ,it’s so true for most men that sex is love ,and it is a stress reliever for both parties ,I think we should be better educated in this very human emotion , that sex is very healthy for you ,mentally and physical, it’s time to rewrite the books on the many hang ups on sex we as a society have ,and this battle with the sexes ,it’s the twenty first century and we still don’t have a clue ,and both sexes have to take full blame for this sad state of affairs, myself included ,yours truly Owly ☺ ☺

    • chuck on June 12, 2016 at 8:14 am

      Thank you “See”… a little sex can go a long way…

  7. rlcarterrn on July 23, 2014 at 6:00 pm

    In my opinion, healthy (adult) relationships require sex. It seems to me there are a lot of issues going on here beyond just the lack of sex. I’m sure there are “faults” on both sides of the equation. My husband & I are very honest with each other & try never to go more than a few days without having sex (unless of course one of us is out of town, but that is fairly rare) because we know that having a consistent sex life helps to keep us both emotionally & physically close. On the other hand our emotional connection has to be right in order for there to BE sex, particularly good sex, so in reality the cycle has to work both ways. When one part gets broken down, both parts don’t work which is probably what the issue is in the relationship described here. I also think our society trains women to think that they shouldn’t really have a lot of sex drive which is ridiculous. I find that my husband & I have pretty equal sex drives. The only time mine is lower is if I’m not feeling good about myself for some reason. And my husband makes sure that never lasts long b/c he does such a good job giving me sincere & genuine compliments & generally making sure I know how much he loves & values me. And I try to provide the same for him. And just for reference I am 25 & he is 26 . . .

  8. Beth Dahleen on July 23, 2014 at 6:04 pm

    Good topic – this blogger I happily came across had a similar topic from a woman’s perspective: Why You Should Say Yes Tonight http://www.scarymommy.com/why-you-should-say-yes-tonight/

  9. Tina on July 23, 2014 at 6:09 pm

    If I were his wife, I’d send him some divorce papers. Just sayin’… 😀

    • James Michael Sama on July 23, 2014 at 6:14 pm

      Haha something tells me that’s not far behind, Tina!

    • brandon on December 25, 2014 at 2:16 am

      Do it and shit up!

    • Sally on February 9, 2015 at 10:57 pm

      Me too. I had a husband that used to bitch he didn’t get laid enough. I left and now he can get laid as much as he wants (though I don’t think he has at all since I left). I’m a human being that deserves respect, not a blow up doll.

  10. Little Miss Menopause on July 23, 2014 at 6:39 pm

    Love this piece, James. I have to wonder if the “non-verbals” were “maybes” or even “yeses” and perhaps misreading body language resulted in lost opportunities. After all, there were several documented “yeses” here. I’ve been in two failed marriages….you wouldn’t have found even one “yes” on our charts. So remember…”It’s not over till the fat lady says “No!” Every single time.” But I totally agree with you on the method of communication….I just couldn’t resist analyzing the chart!

    • runelorerecon on June 11, 2016 at 11:56 am

      Every man shouldn’t have to be the one to initiate sex. The woman should be equally willing to ask for sex without try to get your man to break down some kind of code or puzzle to find out if I you want too.

      If you reject your man so he will ask again so you can feel wanted more, then you are at fault not him.

      All you are doing there is causing him to doubt your love for him.

  11. Melissa on July 23, 2014 at 6:43 pm

    Nevermind the issue that the husband acts as he’s entitled to sex whenever he wants. How dare she say no??

    However the reasons she gave kind of hint at how she may not be down due to what their sex may be like. Definitely some underlying issues going on. Some. That neither are addressing appropriately.

    • James Michael Sama on July 23, 2014 at 6:45 pm

      Totally agree Melissa! There are so many facets here that it’s virtually impossible to really know the full story unless they come out in the media and discuss it. At this point, who knows, they might!

      But I do really think that by discussing things like this we can take the “foam off the top” so to speak and pull lessons from it like how important communication is in relationships, etc etc.

      Thanks for your comment!

  12. OilyQueen on July 23, 2014 at 7:03 pm

    I agree with Melissa. But at the same time, girls enjoy intimacy too. Her idea of intimacy may be very different from his (sex) and she may not be getting her intimacy so doesn’t feel like she should give him his. We may never know the true story, but all things aside neither party is communicating properly. I don’t see this marriage lasting much longer unless both people decide to deal with the underlying issues.

    • Melissa on July 24, 2014 at 7:46 pm

      One thing that stood out to me was her saying she was still a bit tender from the night before. She may not enjoy sex because he gets a bit carried away. Women do enjoy sex, but when it’s not fun or enjoyable for them, many can forego it all together. To top it off, he keeps a fricken log of how often they have it. Again, entitlement seems to be coming up on his end.

      Regardless, it’s clear that communication is needed here.

  13. Lauren on July 23, 2014 at 9:58 pm

    This has absolutely nothing to do with this post, but I just wanted to say that I like the new blog layout. I thought the old one was kinda weird with your face just over on the left side of the screen and this plain black and white for the body is much better! Keep on doing what you do!

    • James Michael Sama on July 23, 2014 at 9:59 pm

      Thank you! I’m glad to hear that, I’m always trying to figure out ways to make this site better in every way, whether it be the content or the appearance, so I appreciate your feedback. 🙂

  14. Tasha on July 23, 2014 at 10:23 pm

    My husband and I struggle with this quite a bit. My question is how he “initiated” intimacy. Was it a juvenile immature suggestion or did he try to connect with her in a loving way. As someone who’s been married 10 years, I can tell you your husband asking if you “Hey, you wanna give me some” while I’m getting the kids their lunch doesn’t put me in a loving mood. Men care about the act, women care about the emotions in it. If we don’t feel connected, it’s just not gonna happen

  15. thisordinarylife on July 24, 2014 at 5:56 am

    I find it frustrating that he seems to always ask at the same sort of times. Why didn’t he ask when she wasn’t watching her show? Or maybe don’t ask her when shes just out of the gym. I know I don’t particularly feel sexy when I’m sweaty and have a face like a tomato. There is obviously fault on both sides but it doesn’t seem like he actually tried to turn her on or create a loving environment that she may want to have sex in. But it also seems she may have some intimacy issues of her own. At the end of the day this isn’t the full story and how they dealt with it is offensive to each other and that speaks louder than their words.

  16. Satin Sheet Diva on July 24, 2014 at 7:21 am

    It makes me think that as “usual” these people (and it happens at any age) got married with expectations of each other they’d never discussed. So many folks marry for the fairy tale – he’s going to “rescue” me / she’s going to be “sexy” like this all the time…or whatever. They’re both looking to be “completed” by the other. I speak from experience when I say, that’s never the way to go. My first marriage was based on a bunch of hidden expectations, a lack of communication we both figured wouldn’t make much of a difference, and the idea that getting married would solve our issues (there were RED flags all through out the year we dated – neither of us acted on them). Well, it didn’t. I have since worked on my sense of self; I am learning to love and honor myself. That translates into being confident enough to be lovingly honest with anyone I date, being clear in my expectations, and being strong enough to tell them, “no thanks” when those expectations aren’t being met. My second marriage (and there appears to be one looming on the horizon) will be one that involves two whole people, consistent and open (even when it’s scary) communication, and one kick-ass sex life :-).

  17. Joy on July 24, 2014 at 11:44 am

    The first clue I got was that she said no because she wouldn’t have time before they were due somewhere to have dinner and he was upset because they had arrived “20 minutes early”. Seriously, she declined a quicky how dare her! Or maybe a quicky is all she ever gets.

    • Td on November 13, 2015 at 3:43 am

      HOW THE F**K IS THIS HIGH SCHOOK DRAMA? I AM SURE THIS ISN’T THE FIRST FEW WEEKS SHE’S DONE THIS!!!! I AM SURE HE’S TALKED TO HER ABOUT IT BUT STUCK TO HIS OWN PLAN TO WRIGHT DOWN WHAT SHE SAYS BECAUSE EVERYTHING ELSE ISN’T WORKING AND HE’S GOING NUTS. I’M 25 OLD MALE HAD A KID A QUARTER YEAR AGO AND I HAVE NOT HAD SEX IN OVER THREE MONTHS. I’M BEYOND UPSET AND SHE DOESN’T CARE. I TRIED TALKING TO HER AND SHE NOW SAYS IT’S AWKWARD AND ISN’T READY!!!!!!!! HOLD YOUR SMART A$$ COMMENTS PLEASE.

    • TheDividedHouse on March 3, 2016 at 7:27 pm

      you can tell that this is a snapshot of a wider continuum of time. There is obviously more going on here, but one thing I just don’t get is that if a guy is being taken care by his wife then everything else is solvable…but for the guy,if the wife is holding-out, playing games, etc. then it becomes the #1 on the list. He is in a weak/vulnerable spot and could make a big mistake…and his wife is a part of that.

  18. kaybeatz96 on July 24, 2014 at 2:09 pm

    Reblogged this on kaybeatz96 and commented:
    Lol

  19. 5min on July 24, 2014 at 2:22 pm

    In the spirit of stirring up conversation … I’ll play devil’s advocate!

    I don’t think there is anything wrong with him creating a spreadsheet. He probably did it because he knows exactly who he is dealing with a.k.a a lover who would deny deny deny all his claims because she’s never wrong blah, blah blah!

    Having said that, his delivery was clearly childish and definitely did not aid his dire situation (…oh and I definitely mean dire at 26 you should BOTH be “wanting” to tear the house down but that’s just my opinion. I’m entitled to it, so don’t shoot me down). He really should have thought that one through! However, in his defense, he did only send it to her (…personally, I would have killed him had he sent that to my work email) but his wife’s deliberate lack of respect for their relationship by blasting it on social media is far worse.

    He should have delivered his message in a more irresistible thought out sort of way. For example, If I were him I would have printed an entire ream of paper (I know what you are thinking but trust me my lover is worth the tree, okay) and stuck one on every single wall of every space in our house/apartment (except the bedroom), definitely not the bedroom. The bedroom I would have lit with candles and scented with whatever fragrance appealed her senses. Among other things I would have had a bath nice and ready, massage essentials the awesome lingerie I would have purchased for her (but not too skimpy the objective here is to make her feel cherished, desired, wanted, needed, missed but above all things loved and NOT like a sex toy).

    Okay, now getting back to the rest of the house I would have had the biggest bad ass flowers (her favorite of course) money could buy and apologize to my girl for creating an environment where she would not want to be my lover, and play with me and have sex with me and love me, want me! Followed by dinner, talk, music, a dance, banter that’s makes you laugh and feel good, like lovers do! I know, I know … although, a relationship is two ways we are talking about the guy right now and yes he should apologize (and so should she but that’s later!) If she is a good woman she too would realize where she made mistakes and apologize for letting things come to this. However, based on her BS excuses she most definitely needs to get it together, I mean it is insulting – poor guy. I understand why he would be pissed enough to do what he did but regardless he could have acted like a mature adult capable of meaningful conversation. I mean what is sexier than a guy who can look his woman in the eye and take control of a bad situation – that’s Hot!!!!

    Anyway… If I had to blow up my lovers spot you bet I would, in a heartbeat. You cannot let things like this go unchecked for long periods of time. It ruins your love buries it in bullshit, you can’t put your finger on and one day you wake up fallen out of love but you don’t know why. This relationship or any other would not last long!

    I hate conflict but I am all about resolution: If this was happening to me I would be waiting in lacy boy shorts his favorite team shirt, no bra, a pony tail, no makeup, nerdy glasses, wine, cheese, a lollipop I could suck on while reading my excel sheet and I’d be standing on the sofa or something crazy like that, as I pleaded my case!!! …and dam right the walls would be cover with my sheet!!! Wow, I’d take the whole day off of work to work on my execution!!!

    I would have his undivided attention and then I get down to the things that made his heart race when we first met but that’s just me and if it sounds like too much work well good relationships are a lot of work but the kind that pays off and make you feel whole and happy!

    All couples come across this path but it should be handled privately, respectfully and with love not anger or thoughtless behavior. If you really love someone don’t behave like an enemy, ever, nothing justifies it!

    And remember a couple that plays together stays together!!!

    Yours truly,
    5min

    PS: Nice Blog

  20. Michael on July 24, 2014 at 2:39 pm

    My opinion is simple. My wife’s sex drive is much higher than mine. Always have sex, even if you do not feel like it. Why? because it sucks to know you have vowed to keep yourself for just one person, but that person never wants you.

    • Gilbert A Sandoval on March 11, 2018 at 12:44 pm

      Very true…

  21. Slow Death on July 24, 2014 at 3:51 pm

    Wow, am I the only woman who struggles with my husband not wanting sex. When I try to talk to him about it he says that its normal and most other couples rarely have sex and I should feel lucky that we do it a couple of times a month. And every time I try to initiate the conversation, he needs dates and times of when he turned me down or a date of the last time. He always ask why I’m counting, and I say, because I’m over here dying a slow death. I NEED and WANT SEX. I need to clarify that before we got married we had sex every chance we had, even twice a day and I mean it was GOOD sex, not just get off and it’s over. The first year after we were married we had sex almost everyday….5 years later it’s over, twice a month. What the hell? I have a very high drive and still do. Anyway, I totally understand the guys spreadsheet but not making it public. He probably felt like he needed to have some kind of back up so she wouldn’t feel like he was exaggerating. Just like my husband, he needs “proof”.

    • brandon on December 25, 2014 at 2:17 am

      Low testosterone! Period!

    • GoJoeGo on January 2, 2015 at 2:18 pm

      Slow Death, same here. My wife got very emotional when our children were babies (up to 5 years old) and just never wanted to have sex no matter what I did: chores, romantic dinners, taking care of the children, what ever…. She would eventually, six months, desire a 15 minute episode. Done. Nice for a few days and then back to the life.

      Eventually and shamefully, I looked at some porn online. She found out and everything escalated to not even at six months. I was so frustrated I just quit doing all the special chores (by the way, I worked full time and sometimes over time and she was stay at home mother). I began to not care.

      It was nasty for about 12 years. We stayed together, raised our kids then… it started to get better. once a month maybe. I was putting a star on the calendar for each day we had some intimacy. Reviewing that year’s calendar before she transferred important dates to the next year, she asked me what the stars were for. I told her, she got very upset and denied saying we had sex more often than that. I suggested she keep the calendar marking this next year. For a while, it was once a week. Yay!!! Then eventually it slipped back into a cycle. Her libido would kick in about every 22 days.

      We have been together for 32 years now. She still just can’t wrap herself around it as a fun, enjoyable thing. It’s more like hunger to her. When she feels like it, we do it. It is so to the point I wish she would meet someone who knew how to lite her fire (but not take her away from me) because if her fire got lit, we would have phenomenal sex. I would be happy to share her for the regularity. That makes me feel bad, but excited.

      Maybe I should start marking the calendar again. It helped for a while…. long time ago.

      • Not saying on August 15, 2017 at 4:03 am

        OK, I really feel the need to reply to this one as I am a woman in the same situation. STOP with the gold stars!!! Your wife firstly is her own person….she was. a person in her own right before you met her and is her own person now!!! not a child that needs to be graded by making her feel she needs to earn a f…..ing gold star every time she turns it up for you….this is a deplorable way to treat her!!! Grow up!! News flash you guys!!!!! If we think you are good at it, believe me you would be getting it!!!? Just saying….I have been in a few relationships and married twice. I have had great sex and terrible sex…the men in my life who truely knew how to turn me on have had nothing to complain about regarding sex with me. Note to you guys, never ever get boring or predictable in your sex style, ladies get bored with same old way of the way you deliver it. If you want her to be engaged with you in the bedroom, do some homework on how to be better at it.



    • Peter on April 25, 2018 at 5:53 pm

      Must be a rarity .. we need more wives like you 🙂

  22. gina on July 25, 2014 at 4:57 am

    I didn’t read through all the comments here but one thing that may have been missed is how hurtful the way that he “presented” his spreadsheet was. The wife retaliated in a hurtful way because she (probably again) felt pushed away and rejected in an emotional way. Men don’t realize how much of a part women’s emotions play in whether or not we feel sexual. My ex used to try to “push” me into having sex. This is never a way to go. It makes women feel taken advantage of.

    • TheDividedHouse on March 3, 2016 at 7:32 pm

      Gina – I’d like to see some comments from people like you who encourage women to not just lay there and try to get it over as fast as possible. It is also emotional for men…but after…. Generally, it is the lack of respect.

  23. theunspokentruth12 on July 26, 2014 at 10:58 am

    Reblogged this on theunspokentruth12 and commented:
    interesting

  24. Avlo on October 12, 2014 at 6:45 am

    3 times in six week….lucky basterd

    • Tim on December 12, 2014 at 11:08 pm

      Haha my thoughts exactly

      • brandon on December 25, 2014 at 2:19 am

        Hahaha



    • Roi on December 20, 2014 at 1:49 pm

      3 times in 6 weeks ? I can’t tell it he is bragging or complaining. LOL
      None the less , they are both 26 ? and should be having regular sex while they are young and vibrant.
      This performance probably cost them their marriage. She probably has a “friend” at the gym…

  25. blopmoflnorn on November 10, 2014 at 10:25 am

    The woman is selfish and is not meeting the needs of her husband. If he had talked to her 3 times in 7 weeks, other women would tell her to leave him. This is a perfect example of how females are treated as princesses in our society.

    She controls sex after he commits to her for life. It is sick beyond belief.

  26. Sally on February 9, 2015 at 11:05 pm

    Women (and men) have the right to not want sex. If you are hornier than your partner masturbate or leave but don’t torture your partner for not having an equal libido. I am a sexual abuse survivor and my ex threw tantrums because I didn’t want as much sex as he did. He knew this before he married me but then was furious that I didn’t turn into a sex machine after we were married. He made my life a living hell and I left and I am very happy now. I have even dated since leaving him and my sex life in that relationship was fine. If you aren’t sexually compatible being cruel and acting like its your right to your partner’s body is extremely selfish. I hope this woman leaves this asshole. A person always has the right to say no. The partner always has the right to leave. Nobody owes their partner their body. Sex is not love.

    • unknown on August 2, 2015 at 5:01 pm

      One of the reasons men get married is that the sex with that particular someone is awesome when they first meet. And they are hooked on the idea that this would be great married to this person. But it seems all to often that after marriage for a while the woman’s priority change and they could care less about there husbands needs.

    • Not saying on August 15, 2017 at 5:15 am

      I agree with you Sally…if sex is not concentual in or out of marriage it just feels like rape.

  27. Mark on April 14, 2015 at 1:27 pm

    3 times in 7 weeks????

    What’s he complaining about? I’d kill for that frequency.

  28. Bremen on April 30, 2015 at 11:44 pm

    My wife began to wind down the sexual frequency about three years after we were married, when she began putting on tremendous amounts of weight. Twice a week became one a week became once a month, then once every six months, and then twice a year. Now she will try initiate it maybe once a year, for which I take a pass..

    I used to be pretty angry about the situation. Then a couple of years ago, I grew weary of the constant rejections and went online to the “sugar baby” websites. Bingo! I’m now on my fourth mistress- women half my age, with strong libidos, good bodies, attractive faces, and the “skills to pay the bills.” Expensive? Sure. But no more than the wife spends at the country club each month on tennis, golf, and dining with her friends. Guilty feelings? Sometimes, but then I think of all the times she tuned me down for sex, usually while sitting on the couch watching some inane TV show and eating Doritos. Poof!

    So, Sally is correct in the people have the right to refuse sex. But don’t expect your partner to go without just because your legs are closed for business. Why would a woman ever think it would be okay to deny her husband this most basic need? How about I quit my job, stop paying the mortgage, have your car repossessed, and allow the heat to be disconnected in winter? Then maybe you would understand how I feel?

    In a way, the wife has reached middle-aged married woman Nirvana: doesn’t work, big house(s), luxury cars, vacations all over the word, and no money worries. With the added bonus being that she doesn’t even have to put out any more! And if she is seeing someone on the side- good for him, he is welcome to it.

    I don’t see her as my wife any longer, just a somewhat annoying roommate with whom I happen to have three school aged kids. And her mother, who lives with us…

    • MIKE on June 11, 2016 at 2:15 pm

      I can understand your position. I am in same. I give give give and nothing. just take take take. I have not cheated. y? it happened to me and it sucks ass. but what to do now? EASY. I just don’t care anymore. don’t care if she wants it, needs it or whatever. if im not into it then she can kiss my ass. if you can stay home and not work and not have to much to worry about, then making your man feel like wanting to come home to u is your job. and if i feel like your doing it like a job then ….poof…no more for u again! don’t give a shit. if u were with a new boyfriend u would have no prob right? does he pay the bills? no! so, if this is to much, go get a job and pay ur way. find next guy to play games. oh, that’s right to attract him u actually have to do “SOMETHING”. so until mine figures out that she has to put effort in, I say good luck, I tried and got shot down. here comes my ammo. better duck cause it comes in fast and hot. women amaze me. they want the asshole that treats them bad, and give no looks to the one who would stand in front of a truck for her. I now say, don’t hit the breaks, keep on trucking, I want to see if she gets out of the way!

  29. Tim J on June 21, 2015 at 11:57 pm

    3 times in 7 weeks?!!?! Whats his secret? I cant even get sex 3 times a year….
    This guy is clearly a jerk. I feel i do all the right things: attentive, clean house, do chores, send flowers, treat her to dates, care for our children, compliment her, flirt, etc. basically anything you can find on a “list” of things that women need/want from their men and the things mentioned by above commenters that he clearly isnt doing to make her feel wanted. In bed, her needs are basically the only ones attended to. She always orgasms, twice. God forbid if i ask her toget on top. Everything is such a chore to her. And everything is a complaint that i dont do enough around the house.
    Id trade alot of stuff to have this guys wife and her libido

  30. matt on August 2, 2015 at 2:40 pm

    I have done everything that all the sites say to do and still nothing for more than 8 months. I work hard to take care of my family. We only have one daughter that’s 13 and more than able to take care of herself. My wife doesn’t work at all either, I have to constantly make my own food and do my laundry my self. Then when she has to do something around the house she complains. The only thing that I have asked from her is can we have sex on a regular basis and still nothing. Now I’ve talked to her till I’m blue in the face about this and every time she promise that she will do better and that she will show me and never does. The most recent time I was trying to iniate it and she was like so like don’t touch me. When I asked her the following day what’s up she said I didn’t say that we could not do it. I’m just going out of my mind hear. I beginning to think some woman play with there man because they can. You see it’s kind of a test to see if they are truly faithful. I should add that when we first met we have sex all the time.

    • Steve Horsmon on August 2, 2015 at 3:06 pm

      Hey Matt,
      With no disrespect to whatever websites you’re reading, I think you’re missing the most important point in this matter. It’s not about what you’re DOING…it’s about who you’re BEING.

      The problem is that the “only thing you’ve asked for” is regular sex. Your marriage and your happy life requires much more than that. And she knows it. Saying that regular sex is the only thing missing is sabotaging your effort to connect with her. And it’s a shallow frame of mind and insult to your relationship.

      Your marriage needs clear and bold communication about your values and expectations. There needs to be more respect and less resentment. There needs to more accountability and follow through. There needs to be a concerted effort to show more acceptance and appreciation of each other.

      Marriage IS a romantic, committed and sexual relationship. Your job is to think, speak and act like it is in bold ways with any apology for wanting a healthy marriage. Be fearless.

      Regular, quality sex is the result of a healthy marriage – not the beginning.

      100% of the women I talk to secretly admit they are waiting for you to lead the charge. If nothing changes in you, nothing will change in your marriage.

      Fear of divorce is the #1 reason why men don’t choose to change and ask for what they want. Don’t let that stop you!

      Steve

      • ma on August 2, 2015 at 5:22 pm

        No your missing the point I talk and listen to her needs u do everything asked of me and more. And still treated like that’s not enough, at some point it’s falls back to compromise. I see marriage as a give everything you have of yourself relationship and the only I expect in return is the same. To make a blanket statement and say it’s just one person’s fault in the marriage that is dissatisfied with the way things are going is absurd. Apparently you did not read my post where I do every and anything that has been written or talked about with no change in my situation. I’m not expecting sex every hour on the hour or even daily. Just more than once in 8 months. Now your thinking this guy’s full of it and that there is another side to this story which you are not hearing. So you sit back theories what I’m doing wrong in this situation. I can tell you without a doubt that all the posibal was that I could be making a mistake I have fix or for better words changed my ways. Also when I say that all I asked her is for sex on a regular basis, I approached her like this how come we no longer make love the way we used to, and she started yelling and left the room. A relationship takes two and when one partner is not into it and does not return normal communication and or affection. What am I supposed to do just not bring it up at all and be misrable.



      • Steve Horsmon on August 2, 2015 at 6:38 pm

        “What am I supposed to do just not bring it up at all and be miserable.”

        No. Quite the opposite.

        I’m saying that you may be DOING things (why are you cooking, housework, etc when she doesn’t work?) with the expectation that she should reward you with regular sex. All women (yes I said “all”) hate that. A man has to move his mindset from thinking that because he DOES things for her that he should get reciprocation. Wrong. That’s the foundation for a bad relationship every time.

        Instead, we must BE a man who insists on fairness, involvement, participation and accountability. In the most genuine, respectful, loving way possible we make perfectly clear what we want and expect in our relationships.

        We make no apology for wanting a balanced relationship and an atmosphere of partnership and teamwork. We don’t give of ourselves to GET something back. We give 100% of ourselves (love, work, time and money) as part of a relationship with NON-NEGOTIABLE shared values. This requires a partner who chooses to give their 100% as well. And it requires a clear agreement on what the shared values are.

        Be the man who KNOWS without any doubt whatsoever that he WILL HAVE a relationship with the shared values of mutual appreciation, respect, trust, affection, support and passion. Be that man with a calm, deliberate energy. Don’t be afraid to ask for what you want and invite her to join you in those values.

        A miserable man is the one who doesn’t honor his own values in the name of keeping the peace.

        If it becomes clear that she is unwilling and incapable of being the partner you want, don’t be miserable.

        Simply inform her that she has apparently chosen for you to honor your values with someone else.

        It’s the fear of that last sentence that keeps most men from BEING more bold in leading their relationship in accordance with their values.

        Misery comes soon after that.



      • Jeff on August 10, 2015 at 10:53 am

        Steve,
        Thank you for your responses to Matt. There is some real insight within your words. In life sometimes we read or learn something that strikes a cord, a before and after moment. I find myself almost at the stage of Misery, its funny how we can get so wrapped up we miss the obvious steps.
        Thanks,
        Jeff



    • Sparkz on August 5, 2015 at 9:36 pm

      Ignore what she says and look at what she does. You asked for more regular sex, she said ‘ok’, but what she actually did was nothing. Translate that: You asked for more regular sex, she said no.
      What are the repercussions? So far you have proved to her that if she denies you sex, you do more housework…
      So what else will you do if she says no? What more will you do.

      You need to escalate this bro, Tell her in no uncertain terms. Respect who I am and my needs, as I try to to respect yours.
      For this to have any hope of working you need to have respect in yourself. Do you want to be with a partner who doesn’t respect you? Most people who respect themselves will not allow that to continue, they will leave.
      The 13 year old girl deserves no less than 2 happy parents. Not two parents who are ever resentful of each other.
      The mere fact that you are fully willing to leave may be all that is required to turn her on again. It shows you have respect for yourself.
      If you do not respect yourself, what is your respect of other people worth? Not much.

      So, for your partners sake, for your daughters sake, respect yourself and be fully prepared to leave the relationship. If things don’t begin to repair after you are fully intend to leave if things don’t change. Let your partner know that you cannot continue the relationship as is, that you are willing to give it a few more months for things to change.

      Good luck bro. You need to respect yourself in order to respect her, so that she can respect you.

      • MIKE on June 11, 2016 at 2:32 pm

        u make sense sparkz. mine asked me yesterday why don’t initiate anymore. well, if u want me to initiate, u first have to make me want it in the first place. isn’t that what women say? it isn’t about the sex. its how he make me feel, women say. yep, it works both ways. if u cant even take time do for your husband, simple things like your hair, makeup, flirting, WHATEVER. then u DONT DESERVE MY TIME!!!!! U DONT DESERVE MY ENERGY!!!! my time and energy will go to what I like to do.. and if you don’t want to do for me leave. cause what your telling me is, ” I want all of this, and what u want is not a priority to me. k?” no prob then….cause now u ARE NO PRIORITY TO ME. I will do what I want when I want.



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  32. RLM on November 19, 2015 at 4:34 am

    On vacation and I can’t sleep, it’s hot, this bed is uncomfortable, and this topic. I don’t feel it’s a huge problem but I guess a problem enough to be looking it up in the middle of the night! I had to laugh out loud when I found this article(spreadsheet). I’m sorry but the spreadsheet is PRICELESS. I have no idea why this is the wrong way to do it or why you call the husband childish. How do you know has hasn’t tried to explain it to her, many times even with no result? That’s my story. I’ve explained and reexplained my points over and over and over to my wife again and again. There is always an excuse as to why we don’t have sex very much and her two most popular are:

    1. Women don’t want to have sex as much after they have kids.

    2. Life is very stressful right now.

    I’m not the guy who wants to pursue my wife all the time for sex but guess what? If we’re to have sex, 9.5 out of 10 times I’m pursuing her. It’s not so much that she says no or gives excuses when I pursue, which isn’t often because I don’t want a one way street, it’s that she’s clearly not interested in doing it most of the time. The times in which I do pursue and we have sex, most of the time it’s really not intimate or satisfying for me.

    Right now we’re on vacation. The morning we were leaving I thought we’re going on vacation so I’ll pursue her now. I go down on her trying to get us both aroused but she pulls me up in about 60 seconds and tries to get me to start having sex but I’m not there yet. (on a side note she says I’m the best at going down she’s ever had so unless she’s lying it’s even more odd) She says won’t get hard if you put it in? I’m thinking wow this really sucks, is this a stranger, when have we done that before? So odd. I put it in half hard and 20 seconds later it’s done. When she’s not into it, rushing through it, and pushing things fast, I can’t hold it. I feel selfish having a session with her waiting for me to be done, I don’t like feeling that. (Yes I’ve told her all this stuff) Also note this is the first time in a month we’ve had sex. (she reminded me she was away for some of those 30 days working, lol, ok) I regress. After I said, well that wasn’t great, she said we have 5 days on vacation. I’m thinking, oh wonderful, OK.(sarcasm) The first night of vacation we get on the topic of sex at dinner. She goes on about the same things she always does noted above, but adds that there are things in the past she hasn’t let go that cause her not to want to have sex. Arguments or something to this effect. I didn’t even ask her specifically this time but believe me I have. It’s more of the same. I’ve been married over 6 years now and I’ve never cheated on her or given her any reason to say this or that about the past. All people have struggles and arguments and we do like anyone else. I say sorry when I’m wrong and even sometimes when I’m not and we move on. We have a storied life with two great kids I make good money and I spend more time with the kids then her, I am a great dad. I’m also in great shape flat stomach etc. Juts making a point I’m not unattractive. So of course when we get back to the room this first night of vacation she wants to watch a movie, I’m just aghast after our conversation at dinner and he statements about connecting on vacation she wants a movie. She really doesn’t get it. Seriously? A movie? I don’t know what else to do but laugh, actually I was pissed and it turns into an argument and she goes to sleep. This AM we had a talk and she again goes on about being stressed and not wanting to have sex as much since she had kids BUT again vacations are for rekindling sex, I’m thinking, oh but last night you were still warming up and wanted to watch a movie, ok right. Anyway vacations to reconnect eh? We go on vacations like this less than once a year. I tell her look, I’m done, I’m hiatus now, you always have the power and control in this space forcing me to approach you if we’re to have sex. Well I’m done. I have the control now, you want to have sex(she probably doesn’t) well try this out. I’m not having sex with you for awhile now, not sure how long, but it definitely won’t be on this vacation so forget it. I am sick and tired of being on her schedule, SICK OF IT. Then get this. My comments set her off and I’m literally shocked, she’s livid? I’m thinking, am I really experiencing this? She’s livid? Is it a control thing?

    Sure someone is going to say that’s a bad idea what you’re doing saying you won’t have sex. Maybe so but I’ve tried so many things already this at least makes me feel like I’m not going to be frustrated on the other side of the coin.

    • Mr Martyr on January 7, 2016 at 3:52 pm

      Hi RLM, not sure how old you are but if it’s any advice through my own experience, if money isn’t an issue get your intimacy with a stranger on a regular basis because it will save your sanity and self worth. No matter what you do theres a good chance it won’t get better… I once read an article from some medical journal that said men and women’s physiology are different when it comes to sex in that “the longer a woman goes without sex the longer she can go without it and the total opposite for a man”. So…

      Here’s my story, not to get into too much details it might give you some insight from my perspective.
      I’ve been married with the same woman for about 28yrs, and dated 5 yrs prior… we met in college, we were barely 17. Besides my 2 wonderful daughters, she is the greatest thing that happened to me and to this day I love her to death! If I compared our relationship to other couples that I know and from what I am reading online, ours would be at the top of being as good as it gets. I am by nature a person that likes to please and be of service to others and because of this I always treated her with white gloves and put her needs first, ALWAYS. She was a stay at home mom since our first daughter was born and I worked a full time job and sideline work to make ends meet. I was and still am always by her side no matter what I do or where we go… I even lost touch with most of my college friends because of this. (Understand, this was not because of my character or hers, it was the way we were and wanted it… so not blaming anyone here for that just painting a picture for you). You could say we were the best of friends in every way possible. Our sex life was good and never an issue until the children came around, THEN it changed. The frequency went from a few times a week and down consistently until it was maybe once or twice per month at most. I toughed it out, would go to bed very angry and quite depressed. I was always afraid not to put too much pressure on her about it but it seemed the more I would not talk about it to her the more she go without wanting to get intimate. This lasted for years, more than a decade until one day she was diagnosed with breast cancer. I stuck by her side like glue, making sure I gave her all the support she needed for over 4 years, making sure I kept the family together… not sure if you know anyone that went through something like this, but if you do you know exactly what I was dealing with.

      So the years flew by (almost 8 years) and my wife came back stronger than ever, she came out of this looking better than we all could have imagined and she’s back at work. (keep in mind there wasn’t one instance through out those years or since we met that I have strayed or been unfaithful). Understandably the cancer has really changed her personality so having to adapt for me is not an option. At this point no one in their right mind would bring up such a insignificant subject like frequency of sex, surely not me… besides she now has the license to veto. We are at the point now if and when we do have sex I feel like I’m the “Dripping Faucet”. You know, the drip, drip, drip in the middle of the night… eventually you will get tired of hearing it and will get out of bed to go and tighten it. I get sex now only when she sees me at the breaking point. Sex now feels like she is doing it just to get it over with… not pleasurable by any means. And my tolerance has been tested to the point where I need to leave the house sometimes because of the anger I feel. not good.

      I have come up with the conclusion that having put aside my own needs all my life has put me in this place to begin with so I have no one to blame but myself. When the topic of sex comes up these days it always comes down to her telling me “if you’re not happy you could always get it somewhere else”. To me saying this after the fact is very convenient. She knows very well that I would never go elsewhere because of my loyal nature and the fact that we do not have the extra disposable income for me to go around gallivanting, leaves me a prisoner in my own relationship.

      We are both quite educated and simple individuals, we do not have the money nor the lifestyle so it hasn’t corrupted us. IMO, humans are complicated by nature, by the genetics, by their upbringing, their culture, experiences, etc, etc,.. therefor relationships are complex thing. There are too many variables to come up with a simple answer. Any female or male that bashes anyone before they truly know a couples situation completely is being ignorant. Being 50 years of age now I can tell you this, don’t rock the boat, keep trying and to make it work BUT, in the meanwhile if you can afford to get your intimacy elsewhere when you really need it don’t hesitate. If guilt is an issue just convince yourself it is no different than going to the gym… it’s just physical.

      Thanks for reading and good luck!
      Mr Martyr

      • ryan on January 8, 2016 at 3:37 pm

        Oddly enough? It’s changed. Right after I wrote this letter I had a long talk with her. Although it’s like our first year, I never expected it to be like that, it’s really much much better. My wife is really an amazing loyal and wanting to please person. OH and like you I cannot pay for it. I am to loyal and it would hurt me more than her, I can’t do it.



  33. RLM on January 8, 2016 at 3:38 pm

    *it’s not like our first year I meant

  34. Rob W on February 2, 2016 at 7:48 am

    To all you guys !
    This is the truth. Once you commit to a woman, the sex will slowly die in most cases. There are some good women out there, and the men who have them are very lucky.
    Most women once you commit will lose their attraction for you straight away, and will want to have sex with someone else …. Period ….they will stay in the marriage and whine about ‘ everything ” until they have had enough.
    You can do as much as you like ” It will not change”
    70% of marriages are ended by the woman, and in most cases either
    – by having an affair
    – have someone lined up .
    – or start a relationship very quickly.

    The sad “fact” is that men don’t realise women don’t ” Show their love by having sex ” only men do.
    Women show their love by feelings only. Once their feelings go .. they do not want to have sex with you.
    This is the f#cking part I hate … they will blame ” YOU “……” FOR THEIR LACK OF LIBIDO “

    • Sue on February 17, 2016 at 12:43 pm

      To all you guys (and girls), this is far more complex. I think its more about whether libidos in sync. I kind of like the spreadsheet idea who can argue with facts in black and white. I agree it’s a human problem – not gender specific. I’m a woman and after 2years of no sex from my husband I filed for divorce and left. I was always the one initiating, I tried everything – honestly everything! at first I handled it sensitively not wanting to hurt his feelings – and then later more boldly asking for more sex- I got promises he would change but no follow-through. After countless nights of crying myself to sleep alone I realised we were roommates. I was angry all the time at his lack of effort. He wouldn’t address what the issues and I understand some people can feel like it’s an attack but I told him I missed him and wanted him, desired him, for us to have a bond that grew stronger. I was pursued by other guys and never once cheated or strayed I took my marriage seriously.. Whenever I would try and talk about it calmly and lovingly, I would get stonewalled and told sex isn’t everything. I came to the conclusion he was either cheating, had hang ups about sex or was not interested in women. I had to make my own conclusion because he never communicated he would just say he doesn’t know what the issue is. I had to leave my marriage because there was no sex and that was not what we agreed when we married. I was turning from this fun-loving happy person into a resentful and miserable shadow of my former self. He controlled my emotions by with withholding sex and intimacy. I hear about women who refuse their husbands and it makes me sick and angry because I never did that- how could you withold something you promised your spouse. I worked, earned a good salary so we could share financial burden together and lessened his stresses in every way I could. I booked a surprise holiday for our anniversary and for the whole week he avoided me saying he was tired every night!! I spent one entire night on the balcony of our hotel room thinking what am I doing to deserve this – I was constantly thinking I must be doing something wrong. Looking back I believe I tried too hard to please him I did everything he asked and maybe he liked the power and control. I never looked at relationship that way it was about partnership and being there for each other. I would get nothing in return and just felt unloved by the end- some people are narcissistic and don’t deserve marriage to good people. Humans deserve love and feeling wanted and that goes both ways for men and women. It’s so sad that one person can control the other person’s sexuality and watch them suffer – no one can be so dense to not realise you are witholding sex and hurting your partner. Like another post said there were red flags but he made me believe things would get better after we were married and living together. I stupidly believed him. It’s put me off marriage to think how people can change after with no concern for their partner. To everyone posting I feel your pain and I hope things get better but you have to change something or nothing will. God bless

      • Mark on February 17, 2016 at 12:59 pm

        I’ll be making that change as soon as my youngest graduates from college.

        I’ve just plain given up. Years and years of begging, only to get it once every 2 or 3 months. I gave up about a year ago. Now she’s trying to turn it around, asking why I don’t come to bed, why I never make advances, why I don’t hug her from behind or kiss her anymore.

        Because there’s no point.

        I haven’t cheated on her yet, not for lack of opportunity… but I can’t keep it up forever.

        Meanwhile, she’s now clueless. She thinks everything is hunky dory, happy that she can accuse me of not wanting sex, thinking I’m now content living as a monk.

        I’m not. And I won’t live the rest of my life like this.

        We should hook up ; )



      • Rob W on February 18, 2016 at 5:50 pm

        Hi Sue
        My comment is backed by scientific evidence, and facts regarding divorces .

        As to you ?
        How long were you married.
        Did your husband have his testosterone levels checked
        Was your sex life always dull.
        Did you have suspicions your husband was gay.

        From most of the information I have read, there’s a small percentage of women who are loyal, and faithful to their husbands/partners, you certainly fit that category, and I do feel for you because you do deserve better, and society needs more like yourself.

        Me ? I have been very lucky, as my wife is like you ” Married nearly 32 years”
        The same can’t be said for my two younger brothers, one engaged and the other married .
        Both got cheated on by women I would not have been interested in. “Both bitches’

        Don’t lose faith Sue … just try now to enjoy life and be positive. You never know .. someone will enter your life when you least expect it.



  35. Sue on February 19, 2016 at 11:08 am

    Thanks Rob, for your comments I hear you. I’m glad you have a good marriage it gives the rest of us hope 🙂 It’s just saddening when good people end up with completely selfish and inconsiderate partners. Sorry for your brothers, being cheated on is one of the worst betrayals and shows complete lack of respect for the partner!! I refused to cheat so I left, it’s harder to leave than it is to stay for many people, leaving a familiar but unhappy situation takes courage and to take a chance. I guess I learned the hard way so hopefully I can get it right next time. We were married 5 going on 6years but as I’m still quite young I’m glad I didn’t let him take anymore of my good years I knew at the end nothing would change. I read about people in marriage spanning decades like this! The crazy thing is he did all the right things when we first met, attention, affection but because for a time we were long-distance apart i never got a true picture. Yes I tried everything- as things were never great from the start but he said that was because of our long-distance relationship it would get better once we were living together. Promises of daily sex, time spent together etc and I blame myself for believing his promises. Near the end I took initiative and I tried to book him in for check-ups- they were not attended, couples therapy- he said was a waste of time and money, it was like communicating to a wall – I would get silent treatment or he would walk out of the house. The gay comment was because I’m an attractive woman and couldn’t understand his change of interest and to this day I have no idea why but have accepted I never wil know. It’s like another post said you start to question if any of it was real. His view was everything was fine and he was happy not having sex so why was I complaining!! Really at some point I thought I was in the wrong. Luckily I know some great marriages and could see that mine wasn’t one of them. In hindsight I think I fell the picture he painted for me and that was my mistake. Its been over a year now and I’m finally getting back to myself. I agree with you and I’m not looking for love but I am optimistic and believe there are still good guys out there and I hope to meet mine in the near future 🙂 God bless x

    • Rob W on February 19, 2016 at 5:20 pm

      Sue
      Actions always speak louder than words. You ex husband promised you everything and delivered nothing.
      If something doesn’t seem right to you from the start “question” it everytime. No sex in a relationship, or someone telling you it’s not important, is total rubbish, anyone who tells you something different, is a complete liar.
      Good luck Sue …. I’m sure you will find someone.

  36. G on March 10, 2016 at 9:52 pm

    He had sex 3 times as much as I did in the same time period…lucky guy

  37. Terry on March 14, 2016 at 5:21 am

    I know dealing with a lack of sex was supposed to be the main point here but isn’t anyone else grossed out by the fact that she didn’t shower after gym till the next morning? Or maybe she dreaded sex so much she didn’t shower just so she could avoid his advances. Pretty sad situation either way.

  38. Harold Cromwell on March 31, 2016 at 4:46 pm

    Get out of the marriage now, before the kids arrive. I am 50 and might as well be 100. Two great kids. Sex is 1or twice every two years and only then if I question to her why we are married. It has been this way most of the marriage. I keep telling myself that it’s me not her and that maybe it I wasn’t so easy going she wouldn’t do this. I keep saying to myself a real man wouldn’t stand for this. What if after all this time there was someone else. I would feel even more of an idiot for staying around and being faithful. Kids will be all off to college in four years.

    • Rob W on April 2, 2016 at 12:09 am

      Harold are you sure your wife isn’t seeing anyone else ? I suggest you ask another question …. ask your wife is she attracted to you… You should know what the answer is..

  39. Chris on August 2, 2016 at 8:06 pm

    Some pretend big girls are demon spawn cunt bags for lack of a better phrase who get off at making your life a living hell. In my experience the more hell your put yourself into the more willing those type are to spread their legs, such as discretely cheating especially if she somehow knows because them type love, love, LOVE playing victimized to other demon spawn/possible future victims especially if the individuals she plays damsel to might become an ally in taking you down if she so chooses. I’d also assume from witnessing others who fock others over to make more and more money also get these saucy devils in question to spread their demon spawn ovens to fock you fock all even more. Maybe it is their MO or maybe they are just clueless dumb.

  40. ThatIrishWoman on September 20, 2016 at 9:46 pm

    There may be many reasons why his wife doesn’t want to have sex with them. He is creating a spreadsheet to show the hows and whys of rejection from his standpoint, but what of his wife? Has she been subjected to countless episodes of groping while she’s trying to cook, clean, get out of the door for work, blow her nose? I ask because some men find this playful/sexy behavior and do it frequently. However, the one on the receiving end might not take this as playful at all, and in fact will find it disrespectful and in some cases will leave her with the feeling that she’s to be your sperm receptacle and little more. Can he sit on the couch with her and watch a movie while holding her hand or maybe gently kissing her on the head? Tenderness, gentlemen, tenderness and affection will go a long way with a woman. You need the physical interaction to feel loved, and women need the emotional. Has this husband neglected her emotional needs? Has he even considered what those might be? And what of his personality? He’s been rebuffed and rebuked many times, to be sure. Is he a jovial person? Demanding? Kind? Self-absorbed? (One should ponder these same points in regards to the wife.) So much information is left out, that I believe it would be hard to make a judgement or give any advice short of investigating whether there are any undiagnosed health issues with the couple (mental, emotional, hormonal or otherwise), address those if there are, and if not, go to counseling. If that fails, then try to end the marriage with the least animosity and the most dignity possible.

    • Jimmy Crack Corn on January 3, 2017 at 2:41 am

      Or are you just pure evil? Look in the mirror.

  41. Jimmy Crack Corn on January 3, 2017 at 2:23 am

    Why bother? Why beg? Fuck it. Women are who they are, can’t change them. They will never understand the male sex drive and our basic needs. Of course when they want it we come running like stupid lap dogs and get them off and feel like we accomplished something.

  42. So similar on January 10, 2017 at 8:54 am

    Wow, reading these comments; both sides of the story has been really eye opening for me. So many (both men and women) in a similar boat.

    I am currently having the same issue with my wife. Oddly enough I at one point started a spread sheet so I could keep track of the rejection and excuses. I stopped because I got too depressing and because I knew it wouldn’t end well even if I brought it up on better terms.

    It is to the point for me that I basically can’t sleep at night because it is all I can think about. and I don’t mean sex, I mean the lack of sex in our relationship. Talking to and hearing friends/co-workers about their great sex is making it worse; I feel so happy for them but worse about myself.

    I am out of options though. My wife and I have been together for almost 12 years now, married for over 4. Sex used to be great, frequent, all over the place. It declined some before we got married but not to a concerning level. After marriage it started to decline rapidly. the only time we have had frequent sex in the last 4 years is when we were trying to get pregnant. Once that happened it declined more.

    Right now we have sex once a month on average. Some months 0, occasionally twice a month. The lists of excuses looks pretty close to the list this guy made. “too tired, need to shower (then shower, it takes 5 minutes?), don’t feel clean. Maybe later. About to start period. On Period (was never an issue before unless cramping really bad obviously), Just finished period. Maybe tomorrow (just like maybe later she says it to get off the hook that moment). I worked today… I have to work tomorrow. I am too drunk. You are too drunk. watching a show. not enough time (when there is plenty, not even just 20 minutes), ate to much, have homework (we had LOTS of sex when in college with way more homework), Uses friends sex lives (or lack there of) as excuse, There are more but these are the more frequent.

    It is basically to the point I can look at her work schedule and know which 300 days of the year I will not have sex (her schedule is basically out a year in advance) and she only works 2-3 days a week. then based on if she showers or not on those days I know to not even bother… which is depressing to think about.

    I basically initiate sex every time. MAYBE once per year she will and typically it is pretty subtle like her wearing a tank top to bed (she likes to wear them during sex or at least initially) which even that is perfect for me. However again it is typically me dropping subtle hints, asking outright and being made to feel like I am pushy or me going all out trying to be romantic, cook/clean, set mood, massage etc. I have noticed over the last 4 years that going all out has no affect or just a slight affect on the outcome so I have basically given up at that.

    There was always one go-to thing where we would always have lots of great sex and that was on vacations. She would always be super turned on for some reason anywhere we went typically not making it 5 minutes into a hotel room before we would be stripped down and repeated. That has diminished too and while the last 2 vacations we have taken have both resulted in multiple times having sex (they are the only times in 2016 we had sex more than once in a month) I was hopeful they meant it would translate back at home. Boy was I wrong. First she definitely wasn’t in the mood on vacation like she used to be. We had sex twice both vacations but the first one almost seemed forced by me or her only doing it because it was routine, second time around was no issue though. That last vacation was the last time we had sex. She was sore (down there) for a couple days after, no biggie, then she was on her period, then got a cold, then same cycle of excuses… after a few weeks I decided to give up and stop trying to be intimate at all. withholding doesn’t work on someone who doesn’t care to have sex, basically went 50 days for no reason. miserable.

    Over time I have begun to blame myself more. I have never been out of shape, tall and thin. I do build a decent amount of muscle when I work out. I figured she wasnt physically attracted to me anymore. So a few times (and currently) over the last several years I worked out pretty regularly and got in pretty solid shape hoping to peak her interest. No luck… hell the last couple of times I started working out including now she gives me guilt trips like “who are you trying to impress your other girlfriend” or “are you working out to pick up other girls”. Because of that I stopped in the past. Not now, I am working out for me, to be healthy and to be able to keep up with my 2 year old as he grows.

    continuing to blame myself I figured I wasn’t good enough in the bedroom. It never seemed like an issue our entire relationship; sure there has been times where I would fire off too early, but I can bounce back quick or I would perform Oral and take care of her. When we first dated she said she never had so many orgasms or at such a high percentage with her other boyfriends even a couple who were much more well endowed than I am.

    Now she has no interest in foreplay, maybe 1-2 minutes, if she is wet and I am hard it goes in… She wants nothing to do with Oral anymore (first it was on me, then she stopped letting me go down on her). Because of that I trained myself to last longer in bed. She typically orgasms at around 10-25 minutes. I was thinking maybe with foreplay out she wanted to have sex longer. since sex was so infrequent with training by the time we had sex again I was able to go 40+ minutes no problem. She hated it. Once she had an orgasm she was done, if I didn’t finish shortly after or at least within a few minutes she would get angry. Then came the cheating accusations for my new longevity. I actually faked an orgasm once (yea weird for a guy) so hopefully bring it back on same page and maybe get it going again. No luck.

    Then I blamed my size… I am average, no sugar coating it. It was never an issue before but I thought maybe over the years or after a kid (even though she had a c-section) it was different. I again did some training and again because sex was so infrequent I gained a little length & girth and sure hoped she would notice and like it. She noticed, asked the difference I told her and she got mad. I did it for her but again it turned to her thinking I would cheat (never have I not been faithful in almost 12 years or even given reason for it). so I stopped that, she said it hurt the first time after though I she was crazy wet and moaned more than usual so I am not sure, I bought lube but she basically said no to that and to just stop.

    I have tried opening dialogue to figure out what is going on. I figured maybe the sex wasn’t good enough. I wanted to make it better for her. She would say the sex is fine or even feels great.

    We have had several conversations about her lack of sex drive over the last few years. Typically she blew them off really quickly and said “I will work on it”. Which meant nothing would change nor has it. I am gearing up for another serious conversation… one that could define if our marriage moves forward or ends. I am terrified as I do love her and want to make it work. I know sex is only a small part of marriage but even if it is 10% I literally can not focus on being fully engaged in the other 90% because this 10% is just burning a hole in me.

    We talked about having more kids. I was excited, she always wanted to kids, I wanted 3 but after our first I said I want 4-5+ whatever she is willing. We were supposed to start trying later this year. She brought it up too about trying probably thinking it would get me excited thinking about the sex. Wrong. I said to her I am not sure I am ready to have more kids if that is how it will be. I don’t think she really let that sink in which is why we need to again have “the talk” that has been in vain so many times before.

    I am just at the end of my rope here and not sure what else to do. Sorry for the rant, thanks for reading, my second night in a row without sleep because our issues are all I can think about. Reading all of these and posting this at 4am has definitely helped me gather my thoughts and I hope to have a constructive talk with the wife but either way am ready to move my life forward.

  43. About Through on February 19, 2017 at 1:43 am

    This guy had sex three times in a month and we are supposed to feel bad??!!
    Try three times in a quarter!

    • Peter on April 25, 2018 at 5:51 pm

      Awesome Blog, can’t believe how many comments there are, some I agree with others not so much.

      I guess I am not alone when my wife refuses to have sex, it slowly got worse and worse, she claimed I was abusive and stuff which simply isn’t true. I put it down to me getting older and crankier. About 3 years ago I got diagnosed with Cancer and I noticed it got much worse during this period, not sure why to the point it completely stopped. Now we talking divorce but can’t help think it has something to do with the cancer which is not gone.

      That being said, I find it hard to believe as humans male and female, you wouldn’t want sex at least now and then, I don’t get a women not wanting to be touched, but clearly based on some of these comments, it sounds like there are people out there.

      I don’t think I am a bad huband, I support her, pay the bills etc. I don’t think I am great either, I have a full time job, I get tired, especially with the cancer treatments I got tired really quickly. Still to this day my wife refuses to have sex of any sort. Says she is not interested, ready, feeling right, just like the spreadsheet ..

      Lots of comments I laughed at as it looks like a lot of us are in the same boat in one way or another.

  44. Just thinking on August 15, 2017 at 7:12 am

    Ok..So I don’t know how some people feel about communicating about sex in their relationship, but personally I don’t like to talk about it because I like to have the intimate times be organically inspired if you like. You know don’t make a big deal out of not having sex exactly when you ask for it, but as long as your wife knows that you are interested the initiation may come from her, maybe not that night , maybe the next. Sex with women usually starts in the morning with a nice close hug and a kiss before you go to work. Your partner is going to be thinking about that during the day….give her some eye contact in the evening, some sexy complements and touching in the late evening and wammo you might get lucky. Its like a slow dance, very romantic! Words just fuck things up. She knows you’re shitty about not getting enough. She won’t give it to you because your too needy , ugh! Not a romantic situation! We women don’t work that way, its starts way before the time you guys want input, that’s why we feel rushed….put on the spot. Give this a try….it works for me!

    • Me on August 15, 2017 at 10:02 am

      Maybe that works for you.

      I was told by my wife: “I could go the rest of my life without having sex and I would be fine.”

      This is the woman I’m married to. Until my youngest graduates anyway.

    • HomerJ on October 2, 2018 at 9:51 am

      Yeah. That’s great. Exactly how I thought it would work. I started about 10 years ago. Should be any day now….

  45. Hot topic on August 16, 2017 at 11:37 pm

    As there is so many comments on line about this topic usually written by men, sorry guys! may be it is time to change some of our relationship laws, the institution of marriage seems to be not fitting the modern day relationship and how it is playing out in everyday life, men and women’s expectations have shifted over the last few decades, more exposure to porn, open marriages, sexual preferences etc. What is normal anymore???

  46. Dazed and Confused on August 29, 2017 at 10:39 am

    Have been married to my wife for almost 33 years, for the majority of this time I have found it very hard to get my wife to have sex with me. It has been almost a year since we last had sex, am almost to the point where I’m going to look elsewhere, don’t really want to do this because I love my wife…

  47. Greg on September 28, 2017 at 11:16 pm

    I’m in a similar boat. I’m luck to get it twice a month. Would rather it be more like twice or more a week. Last thIng I want to hear is that it’s my fault. You get locked in a marriage and cheating is frowned upon yet you can’t get sex. If it was important she would make time for it. Bottom line is it’s not that important to her. What’s a man supposed to do?

    • Peter on April 25, 2018 at 5:52 pm

      Exactly .. plus paid sex is also frowned upon/illegal and dangerous ..

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