When You Find A Woman With These Qualities – Marry Her


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(Photo: Rachel Sama and James Michael Sama)

We are all looking for something different when it comes to a partner — especially someone we’ll consider spending the rest of our life with.

I do think, though, that there are some universal qualities that men desire in the woman who they love more than the idea of being single:

1: She is warmhearted.

I was having a hard time choosing the word to use for this point. Nurturing? Caring? Compassionate? Warm? Kind?

But warmhearted encompasses the idea of someone who is all of the above.

While I believe that [good] men are natural-born protectors and should do everything in their power to make the woman in their life feel safe, I also know that men have their own desires to feel cared for or looked after.

Society has painted a false picture that men are emotionless or cold, but the truth is that we feel our own frustrations, pain, fears, and insecurities.

A warmhearted person doesn’t brush off these feelings when he expresses them — she shows empathy, compassion, and support.

She asks what’s wrong and lends an ear.

Conversely, this requires men to learn how to effectively communicate the feelings they’re having so that she can step up and connect with you.

She cannot provide empathy for feelings she doesn’t know that you’re experiencing.

2: She is independent.

There’s a stigma around the term “independent woman” these days that enforces the false narrative that a woman who’s independent doesn’t “need a man.”

Well — she doesn’t — but that shouldn’t be a bad thing.

Independence is a sign of self-sufficiency and confidence. It shows you that she has her own interests, hobbies, and passions.

A woman with her own opinions and viewpoints will keep your conversations interesting. She will be intellectually challenging and curious about the ways of the world.

She will help open your eyes to new perspective and be interested in the ones you can show to her.

Being independent does not mean being disconnected. It simply means that you have two lives to stack on top of each other rather than one person simply being absorbed into the other.

Double the pleasure, double the fun.

3: She is sexy.


Hear me out before you shoot to the comment section.

This is not about appearance, fitting into a mold, being a certain size, or looking a certain way.

Being sexy is an attitude. It is expression of desire. It is openness of, and connection to — self.

It is the ability to fully connect with yourself and your partner during those private moments in the ways that are most true to your relationship.

It’s about being willing to display that piece of yourself that gets lost in the moment, that can close your eyes with the person you love anywhere in the world and be fully one with them.

Being sexy lives in those playful moments, the intimate glances, the wink across the room at a party.

It’s not about what you look like, it’s about how you connect with another person.

4: She is reliable.

Reliability, how boring. Reliability is the reason you buy a Toyota Corolla, not excitement. It’s not glamorous or sexy or particularly interesting — but you know what? When you walk outside in the morning and turn the key you know that sucker is going to start up without a flinch no matter how much it has been through.

A great romantic partner is someone you can count on without having to worry about it. You know they are going to be there for you when you need it. You know they are going to stand behind you when you need support, beside you when you need a teammate, and in front of you when you need protection. You don’t have to wonder if they are going to do what they said they are going to do or if they are going to flake out on you last minute, because they are reliable.

5: She is supportive and encouraging.

We are all on our own journeys in life, pursuing our own passions, defining our own identities.

When we make the conscious choice to enter into a relationship, though, we are making the pledge to support someone else’s journey while we pursue our own.

The type of woman a man chooses to be with plays a big role in his level of success. Someone who stands beside him and makes him feel encouraged and supported will keep him motivated and inspired to rise to new heights for his own sake, and for hers.

6: She makes you feel emotionally safe.

Men often hold back on expressing feelings or insecurities due to fear of being judged. Peers judge us, society judges us, people on social media judge us. We are ALL judged, men and women alike.

Feeling safe and secure in our relationships in a way that allows us to fully express ourselves and feel accepted for who we truly are at our core, is the foundation of building a deep and meaningful bond with someone because we are comfortable showing all of ourselves to them.

7: She is intellectually challenging.

Inevitably this will lead to comments about how men are intimidated by intelligent women, but I believe that a man who is secure and confident in himself would prefer the companionship of someone he can have meaningful and invigorating conversations with. The only alternative is sitting in silence watching Netflix or taking each other to the bedroom when there’s nothing left to say.

Fun, at times, but certainly not a sustainable foundation for a partnership over time.

8: She makes space for you to feel wanted and needed.

Before you lash out about this, hear me out.

Men have been conditioned (both biologically and socially) to provide and protect. Even though in modern times we don’t need to do this for women anymore, it is ingrained in a man’s identity to want to feel significant through contribution.

On top of that, we are to be the pursuers at every turn, which can feel hopeless if not reciprocated or acknowledged.

Something as small as changing a light bulb or giving advice on a challenge you’re facing can make him feel like he is bringing something to the table in a world that has made his role unclear and uncertain.

If he doesn’t feel like he can bring any value to your life, he may pull back from the relationship.

9: She is expressive and affectionate.

Spoiler alert: Lots of guys can’t read between the lines or clearly understand non-verbal communication. Essentially, we can need things to be spelled out for us.

On top of that, we often communicate and express affection through physical touch. Holding hands, cuddling on the couch, laying your hand on his chest…and, well, sex, are all actions that make us feel wanted by (and attractive to) you.

Without sexual connection and expression, men can easily feel unwanted or rejected.

10: She is passionate about her own goals.

The best teams in life are made of two people who are clear on their individual identities and purposes. Bonus points if you can find a way for them to merge and back each other up through support and collaboration.

11: She is consistent.

Every healthy relationship is built on a foundation of consistency. Without someone showing you that they’re serious over time, how can you ever know what to expect day to day?

12: She is kind.

How is this person with children? With pets? With their family? Intense chemistry in the throes of passion, the willingness to go on adventures, being passionate about you and about their life, these things are all important to take into consideration…but in the long run they are bonus features, they are not the foundation.

When you strip away all of the extras. Take away the hours in the gym, the designer clothes, the fancy car or the nice condo in the city…what you are left with is the core of the person you are committing yourself to. Is this somebody you can actually see yourself waking up to in 5, 10, 20 years from now?

A beautiful face will someday become wrinkled, a great body will someday age, but a good heart will always remain a good heart.

13: She is clear on HER identity.

No adult man or woman wants to be with a partner who completely sacrifices their individuality for the sake of a relationship.

Not only can this feel overwhelming, but it signals a sense of dependency and lack of self-sufficiency.

Someone who is clear on who they are and what they stand for is attractive to a man who is looking for an equal teammate in his life.

14: She values personal development.

I believe every human should be on a consistent journey of advancing themselves. Maintaining and enhancing both the body and the mind show a sense of respect and value for one’s self.

Caring for ourselves gives us a deeper ability to care for others as you can’t pour water out of an empty cup. It expresses that we have standards for the treatment we accept both from ourselves and from a partner, and it empowers us to connect with our own inner-strength as we practice discipline and consistency.

A man who is always working to improve himself and his life will value a woman who does the same.

15: She is willing to put in the effort.

Effort, effort, effort. Relationships are a two way street, and sometimes beautiful people gain a sense of entitlement along their journey in life. They are often treated differently, especially when it comes to dating. They know they are often pursued and desired, and therefore expect to coast through relationships without having to put in any real work.

It doesn’t matter how beautiful or handsome you are, relationships are about give and give, and only work if both people contribute equally.

16: She is playful.

Think about all of the serious parts of life. Work, bills, obligations, chores…your relationship shouldn’t have to be on that list.

Sure, there are many serious times in a relationship. We need to have serious discussions, make serious decisions, and live [relatively] serious lives.

That is exactly why being with someone who’s able to be playful and fun is paramount to keeping the balance.

Someone who’s happy, animated, flirty, and fun — when the time is right.

Not everyone is naturally like this all the time, but I believe that everyone has something that they are passionate about or love in their lives — and this love can light them up when they get into the right state.

Someone who’s serious all the time weighs down the mood and makes enjoying the lighter moments in life difficult. Life is simply too short to not include play in your regular schedule.

17: She is socially compatible with you.

It is not realistic to think that every person will always thrive in all different types of scenarios. A situation you love to be in might mortify your significant other.

But, that being said, I believe it is important to develop a versatility in ourselves that allows us to be comfortable in a variety of environments.

This is a valuable trait when it comes to family events, spending time with friends, or even work parties. Life is going to put you in a wide range of scenarios where having your partner by your side is going to be important to you, and if they decidedly refuse to take part in things that you love, it will soon breed conflict and potential resentment.

Being comfortable with them mixing and mingling on their own as you go off to have a conversations or get her a drink will bring important peace of mind.

Here’s the key — don’t cut ties with her if you don’t see all of these traits all of the time.

Life is about adaptation and adjustment, which means different pieces of people are shown to the world in all different situations.

The most important thing is to find someone you click with, someone you can count on, and someone you can trust.

A well-rounded woman who is dedicated to both improving herself and the relationship is a rare gem that you should hold on to.

It’s never possible to describe a human being in a simple list of bullet points, nor is it realistic to create a list that everyone agrees with — but I believe this is a pretty good place to start.

18: She feels like home.

A quality that cannot be quantified nor communicated — perhaps making it the most important and powerful one.

No matter what phase of life we are in or what we value, I fully believe that everyone, eventually, yearns to find that person who makes anywhere feel like “home” simply because of their presence there.

At the end of the day, the companionship and love from the person who has chosen you is irreplaceable.

After all, they are giving you the most valuable asset they have: Their time.

Never take a good woman for granted, someday, someone will come along and appreciate what you didn’t.

Subscribe to my newsletter “The Next Level” for honest and uncensored advice normally reserved for private clients.

James Michael Sama is an internationally recognized speaker, author, and personal development coach.

Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 39 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.

James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.

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