The Top 5 Reasons Why He Ghosted You
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Have you ever felt like everything was going great, but then, *POOF*? Here’s what might’ve happened.
If you’ve ever dated over the past few years, you know how things go sometimes:
Meet on a dating app or through a friend, start talking and feverishly exchanging texts. Video chat a couple of times. Start getting really excited. Maybe even go out for dinner or a drink.
Trade a few more texts after that. Look forward to the next time you’re getting together.
He vanishes without a trace.
This is frustrating and can be heartbreaking — not to mention rude and inconsiderate.
While there is no excuse for an adult ghosting another adult, there may be some possible reasons why it happened.
1: You fell for who you THOUGHT he was.
How long does it take to really get to know someone? I mean really get to know them? We’ve all heard stories of couples who’ve been married for DECADES and suddenly a secret came out about one of them that the other had never known.
It takes time to truly understand a person. Their past, their nuances, their idiosyncrasies. Moreover, there are a wide variety of life experiences that happen over time which teach us who this person really is.
How they handle disappointment, how they navigate challenges in life or at work, how they argue…until we really see all sides of someone in real life scenarios, it’s very difficult to get a full and well rounded view of who they really are.
But when we first start getting to know someone, we seem to forget all of that and start getting excited about the shiny object in front of us. The charm, the wit, the humor, the fancy dinners, the flattering compliments…
All of which is fine, if it is genuinely reflective of the person he really is.
Of course nobody is perfect, but creating a vision of someone in our minds that isn’t representative of their real identity becomes dangerous. We fall for their potential rather than their reality.
As a result — he disappears. Why? Simply because he’s not the man of dignity and integrity that you had created in your mind. It’s just that simple.
2: You let your guard down.
Remember two words: Boundaries and standards.
These are the guidelines you maintain in your life for treatment you will and won’t accept. Normally, if someone doesn’t meet your standards, you simply begin to distance yourself from them because you’re not willing to tolerate their toxic or negative behavior.
So…why do you sometimes compromise these standards when you begin liking someone?
It could be because you’re overly excited and totally miss (or ignore) the red flags.
Maybe you really want it to work out so you’re willing to overlook “small” red flags.
Perhaps you think being with someone that you’re “just okay” with is better than being with nobody at all (Spoiler: It’s not).
Whatever the reason may be, we all have a tendency to put blinders on when it comes to dating someone new.
In doing so, we start accepting treatment that’s below the standards we’ve set for ourselves.
The effects of this are multi-fold: You’ll begin losing respect for yourself as you wonder, deep down, why you’re letting this behavior slip. And, more dangerously, he will start seeing that he can act however he wants and still get away with it.
This will cause him to put in even less effort since he knows he doesn’t need to do much to keep you around. And, depending on how little integrity he has, it could lead to him feeling emboldened to behave in emotionally or physically harmful ways towards you.
Why, then, would he leave?
[This may sound harsh], but he may simply lose respect for you because you never stand up for yourself. Or, he might get bored. Or, he may simply get what he wants and move on.
The boundaries and standards you set and maintain for yourself are your safeguard against this happening and stopping the downward spiral before it begins.
3: Everything moved too fast.
I am a vehement believer that if a man wants to be with you, then he will do whatever it takes to make it happen.
That, however, doesn’t mean that the natural process of dating leading into a relationship can be rushed or that phases can be skipped along the way.
Building something for the long term requires time, patience, and mutual effort. You wouldn’t rush through building the foundation of a house that you want to live in, so why would you haphazardly toss together the foundation of a relationship?
Being excited is attractive, but coming across as desperate or needy is not. This sends the message that he is the best and only thing going on in your life, which can put a lot of pressure on someone who’s just getting to know you. It starts to feel like your happiness is rooted in his approval of you, and that can easily scare him away.
Another real risk in moving [too] quickly is that your level of emotional investment will be lopsided. Meaning, you might be all-in very early on, but maybe he takes a bit longer to feel the same depth of connection. This can lead to frustration, miscommunication, and him ultimately walking away because of it.
Do what you feel is right when you feel it’s right, but all healthy relationships need space to breathe so they can properly grow and evolve.
4: Your “picker” is broken.
Before I get heat in the comments, this isn’t victim blaming. I’m not saying you’re the reason for a guy’s bad behavior, as that is ALWAYS…always on him as an individual.
What I am saying, is that you may be prioritizing the wrong things when looking for a partner, or not fully understanding your wants vs. your needs. When these concepts get conflated, you can easily chase after someone for the wrong reasons, or keep choosing the same kinds of men because it’s safe, or familiar — but never actually works out.
Men who are emotionally unavailable, who’ve just come out of a serious relationship, who have a past history of cheating, who’ve never been in a long term relationship, or who clearly have Peter Pan syndrome…are telling you who they are from the very beginning.
It’s not up to you to fix someone’s toxic patterns. It’s not up to you to be his mother or to baby him or to be the one who saves him.
However — it is up to you to recognize negative patterns and protect yourself from them. Too many women before you have been caught in the tidal wave of men who either intentionally or unintentionally leave a path of broken hearts behind them. If you’re honest with yourself about what you really need in a relationship and whether or not he’s capable of giving it to you, you’ll have a much easier time being able to walk away before it’s too late.
5: He simply doesn’t have the courage to break it off properly.
If I had to take a guess, I’d say that this is the most common reason of men ghosting out of them all.
It’s also the simplest.
He just doesn’t know what to say, or he doesn’t want to deal with it.
Is it immature? Yes.
Is it hurtful? Yes.
Is it childish? Yes.
Is it the way that many people are these days? Also yes.
Interactions that happen on apps and online make it so easy to simply X out of a conversation and consider it over. We stop seeing the photo pop up on our screen so we stop thinking about it — not remembering that “it” is a living and breathing human being who’s been left wondering what happened.
Ghosting someone is the cowardly way out, but it’s also the easiest. It’s uncomfortable to have to tell someone that it’s not going to work out, or they’re not ready to date right now, or that they found someone else they’re more interested in…
So, they figure the better solution is just to not say anything at all.
If we’re being honest with ourselves, we’ve probably all been there at one point or another. Maybe we just had one or two chats with someone and it fizzled off, so we didn’t think anything of it.
But, maybe that person felt differently and was waiting for another reply. Maybe they were really excited. Maybe this just fueled their trust issues.
We never know what someone else is thinking or feeling unless they explicitly tell us, but I’ve always found one thing to be true:
Honesty is always the best policy, even if it’s uncomfortable to tell the truth.
It will help you feel better about yourself, ensure that you always act with dignity, and it won’t leave anyone hanging. They may not like what you say, but they’ll respect that you had the courage to say it.
I originally published this article on Medium.com.
Finding success in creating hundreds of viral articles and videos on building limitless confidence and healthier relationships, James has accumulated over 38 million visitors to his website and a collective social media following of over 400,000.
James speaks at live events and in the media across the U.S. and has become a go-to expert with outlets such as CNN, Bravo, The New York Post, The Huffington Post, The Daily Beast, CNBC, The Boston Globe, CBS, and more.
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