No Excuses: 10 Things Good Men Will Never Do
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I find lately that any time I write an article outlining certain traits of men or how we “should” or “shouldn’t” act in a relationship (I have to be careful with those words because people often accuse me of telling everyone how to act…) that I get plenty of backlash from those who disagree with what I am saying because men do not realistically act in these ways.
First thing is first – Good men do act in these ways. If you are going to put an asterisk on behavior that is to be expected from well-adjusted, emotionally stable, good men, then that is not the type of person you are dating.
Here are a few things that should make you strap on a jet pack and full throttle it in the other direction.
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A good man will never pick apart your looks.
“Oh, if only your hair was a little longer.” “If only you lost those couple of extra pounds.” “If you would only wear more makeup…” A good man will never take jabs at your appearance in a way that is demeaning to you or makes you feel badly about yourself. If he is doing this, he is purposely attempting to lower your self worth so you will not feel confident enough to leave him. It is his way of trying to control you and it is emotional abuse. Walk. Away. Now.
A good man will never invade your privacy.
In a healthy relationship, there is no need to hide anything. Texts, emails, Facebook messages – whatever. But that doesn’t mean your partner has the right to snoop through them if you happen to leave your phone around or your computer open. Someone who does this is showing you a massive insecurity on their part and is likely projecting their own infidelities and issues onto you. This should not be ignored.
*Note – This is assuming you haven’t done anything that would make him suspicious or betrayed his trust.
A good man will never discourage you.
A sign of a person’s confidence in themselves is how they help to support the ambition of others. A good man will always be willing to help and support those around him, and will never be discouraging or insulting.
A good man will recognize your value, he will not make you feel the need to prove it to him.
The minute you feel that you have to prove your worth to the person you’re with is the minute you’ll know to walk away. A man or woman should be with you because they value and appreciate who you are, not what you do or how well you sell yourself to them.
A good man will never make you feel like an afterthought.
While a relationship shouldn’t be someone’s entire life, it is certainly a large part of it. I’ve heard too many stories about women who constantly get cast aside for “guy’s night” or something.
A man should have have a network and individuality, sure. But there is a difference between leading an active social life, and knocking the woman in your life further and further down your priority list.
If you feel like you’re waiting for him to come home more than you’re actually with him, it’s time to step back and take another look at where your relationship is going.
A good man will never make you feel like you are alone in the relationship.
Relationships are a partnership. A team. A two-way street. They’re supposed to enhance your life, not complicate it. If you are with a man who is complacent in life and love, puts no effort into you or the relationship, then it’s time to re-evaluate.
Keep in mind, it’s natural for people to get depressed and unmotivated at times. If this is someone you’ve been with for a long time, I’m certainly not saying kick him to the curb at the first sign of a slump. We all go through them – but what I’m referring to here is someone who is just apathetic and makes you feel like he doesn’t care.
You deserve someone who will wake up every morning and pledge to do and be the best they can for you.
A good man will never cheat on you.
There are plenty of arguments in the world that monogamy is not “natural” and that humans are not biologically wired to spend an entire lifetime with one single person. Regardless of the scientific validity of this statement, one thing remains true: Monogamy is a personal choice made by two people in a relationship. There is literally nothing physical binding two people together – just a decision.
A good man will never cheat in a relationship because cheating means going back on his word or breaking a promise he has made to someone he loves.
A good man will never disrespect you.
Easy. Simple. Basic. But, often overlooked. A good man will show respect to everyone around him. He will not be condescending or put anyone down, regardless of intelligence level or professional position. As the saying goes, ‘a man of quality is not afraid of equality.’
A good man will never avoid important conversations.
Whether it be between family members or in a relationship, a good man understands that no problem can be resolved until it is faced. The only thing that avoidance of difficulties will accomplish, is delaying the inevitable and potentially making things worse.
There is a difference between choosing your battles and avoiding conflict altogether – the important thing is to know when to hold’em and when to fold’em.
A good man will NEVER abuse you.
There are many different types of abuse, certainly not just physical, and certainly not just in a relationship. Someone can be emotionally abusive towards a child or pet as well as their significant other.
Regardless, they all have one thing in common: The desire to break another down. A good man recognizes that his confidence and worth comes from within himself, and never from attempting to place others below him.
At any sign of any type of abuse, walk (run) away immediately. It will not get better, and you deserve more.
There is just too much lately. Too much negativity. Too much combativeness between genders. Too much mistreatment. Too much argument and not enough collaboration. Not enough love. Not enough respect. Not enough caring.
We need to stop making excuses for those who mistreat us and start lowering our tolerance for this nonsense. Any self-respecting decent human being will treat you with the love and compassion that you deserve.
If they don’t, then what’s the point of staying with them?
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Reblogged this on HelpingOthersHelpThemselves.
James – I do not where you came from or how Inever heard of you, I appreciate your blog a man talking about real issues!
This article spoke to me in so many level; I myself have allowed for someone to degrade me to the lowest possible way and I felt that it was my duty to stick it out…
Reblogged this on camzwithlove.
Reblogged this on indiansinpakistannovel.
Here’s a cool piece.
Reblogged this on Louisely's Blog.
Great write!
I will meet a man like this one day! Thank you for the post!
Reblogged this on Rabison Shumba Poetry Zone and commented:
Great article. Could not help but reblog at http://www.rabisonshumba.com
What about what a good woman will do? Why is it always the man who is supposed to do things like this. Its never the female. But females want equality amongst sexes right?
Isaiah, I have many articles on my website about what good women do and don’t do as well. Just have to search around a bit my friend.
I’ll link them to you when I get to a computer.
Exactly!!! I am ALL for this information in this article. It is a VERY good article & i like to read these type of articles to learn more about myself.
I am not perfect of course but strive to be a man my son can be proud of & to one day be with someone that I can treat this way. But these things are not really to difficult to be really & I know MANY men that live this life, these standards & other characteristics like these. But I have learned I need to be more forward in asking for this to be given in RETURN from a female. So I haven’t found the one that’s right for me & that there are females that are capable of this as well but let’s stop pretending its a men thing. Its an integrity thing. Men AND women. A friend showed me a small example of this. He googled “a real man” quote and 100s of quotes came up on the screen on what a real man should do act like & be. He then googled “a real women” & again 100s of quotes showed on the screen but were again reading “a real man” does or doesnt do this or that to a “women”. Try it. I understand there are plenty of asses out there but that doesn’t mean that they are male only. Sure I hope to meet a real female , & if she has the integrity & heart that some of my male friends have I will be doing well.
I’m not sure what women you know, but I wouldn’t associate for very long with any women who didn’t strive for these ideals. And nowhere does it say you are supposed to do these things; it simply suggests that these are behaviors that are attractive in a man.
Sounds robotic to me. If you waste your time trying to find a man who fulfills every single category you’ll be old and grey without a wedding band.
Hmm. I don’t do anything on this list and I find myself to be very much human. Though I could be mistaken. I thought the list was reasonable. Which parts do you disagree with specifically?
This is a very good list and every man has something to work on. I agree you have talk things out but that does not give her the liberty to think every time she wants ‘to talk’ that it’s an ‘important conversation.’ But, overall I enjoyed stumbling onto this on lunch break.
This is a very good list of behaviors and expectations of both men and women in a relationship. In my opinion, “good” is highly subjective and should be viewed more as a continuum of “good to great”. For example, cheating and abusing are at a completely different level of “good” than “avoiding important conversations”, as long as the conversations do happen.
Everyone has bad days, and those days may result in a desire to postpone an important conversation (which I perceive as being “good” if it avoids an unnecessary argument) or the occasional condescending comment, but that doesn’t make a “good” person “bad”. The use of “never” in a few these behaviors is the crux (note that I am NOT talking about the use of *never* in the contexts of cheating, abuse (physical or mental); in those contexts, “never” is appropriate for a “good” man. I was fully on board with this list, agreeing with every one of them, until I got to “never disrespect”; a great man never disrespects, a good man does it very rarely.
Nobody is perfect, and this seems to describe the perfect man. You say you never do anything on this list; are you so in control of your emotions that you have never uttered a phrase, even in the heat of emotion, that someone may perceive as being condescending? If you honestly answer “yes”, then I argue you are better than “good”.
Good for you I wish I could find a man like you
Admiring the hard work you put into your website and detailed information you present.
It’s nice to come across a blog every once in a while that isn’t the same old rehashed material.
Excellent read! I’ve bookmarked your site and I’m including your RSS feeds to my Google account.
I’m in one of these relationships now. I think 2 on the list does not happen and all the rest do. I’m a broken soul. I often feel that ending my life would ease the pain. I’m not financially stable to stand on my own two feet. I work, but the pay isn’t quite enough. I feel trapped. No matter what I tell him he turns everything around and makes it my fault. He refuses to take any responsibility.
start here … https://www.psychopathfree.com/psychopathtest.php … and keep going. I’m guessing you are in a similar situation that I was in
Thanks for this article. These pointers are helping me out in re-evaluating my relationship–whether it’s really time to walk away. Advice on boyfriend issues are best given by real men! Love your articles.
James you are an endless resource of wisdom for life and love. Your stories so frequently written about men equally apply to women. Thank you for you perspective.
Merry Christmas & Happy New Year.
There’s a lot of “never” this and “never” that. Its not so black and white as to be a “good” man. I’m not defending obvious deplorable behavior, but there seems to be little interest on what causes some of this behavior.
Some women expect too much and will feel like an afterthought even though that is not true. How can I “never” make someone feel that way if she has unrealistic expectations out of a relationship?
Nice article, but I think the aim here is to persuade women to go for this “nice guy” that seems to finish last. lol
You can still finish first man, trust me… I’m a nice guy.
Sounds like defensive excuse-making to me…
you may say you are a “nice guy” but by this comment you obviously are not one of the good ones – just making excuses for poor behavior
Trust me, I’m a very nice guy.
read like 2 sentences, and yeah, neim’s a loser. as is any dude who says he’s a “nice guy”. lol.
Love it
I totally agree.
James, I have to say that this one blog post defined that I deserved better and I should accept less than what I deserve. After an incident (that follows below)I immediately left my abusive husband and sought counseling for domestic abuse. Then, found you through my abuse counselor. I would love to hear your thoughts on this incident.
As a stay at home wife, I volunteered heavily in the community and due to the community service, I was graciously invited to a Black Tie Political fundraiser. I scrimped and saved to purchase the 2 tickets at $2500 ea(afterall, this was truly a once in a lifetime event for a small town girl in the South) I decided to splurge and purchase a gown which is strange coming from a lady that “dresses up for church” in slacks and sweater and does farm work on a daily basis. I even took weeks to practice learning to walk in heels. The day of the event, my now “ex-husband” refused to attend but said a friend would escort me(you don’t go to those things alone). my so called escort arrived and promptly laughed at me because ” I finally looked like a girl” and escorted me to the muddy greasy pickup(after all, it’s the south). my ex-husbands friend punched me in the arm and told me to get my fat butt in the truck(those weren’t the words but I am a lady). We arrived and after the dinner was over, I looked and my “escort” was gone…I had been left . When my taxi dropped my off at home, I asked the driver to wait….I promptly packed one overnight bag and immediately left….that night. I knew that I deserved more than this….. Less than a week later, I began reading your columns. So, Thank you !
After wasting a year and a half on a “man” who in reality was an over grown child – and reading this I couldn’t help but note EVERY SINGLE point was broken…. it makes me sick honestly…. I can’t get back that time and all the effort and spent emotion and my baby will not have a real man as a father. My only hope is to find a good, strong man who can step to the plate and make up for the damage that’s been done and be an honest, strong role model for my son one day… but until then and even after I will have my hands full making sure my child ends up nothing like his father and becomes a man that embodies these and more traits of a “good man”…
Nobody’s perfect – either you’re a man or a woman – but at least you can still try your best and these are valuable pointers and / or guidelines. No need to feel accused, since James is obviously writing from a male perspective.
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I get it, I understand what you mean. Women lower their expectations, because it is hard to find a man like this. (I myself did it and is sitting with piles of heartache) This causes men not to work hard to become better people and therefore the expectations just get lower and lower. It is very simple actually. It is a wicked cycle. I would rather die alone than risk getting hurt again…
Reblogged this on The Curious Search and commented:
An excellent article…..
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You are an incredible breath of fresh air. Seriously. I checked your byline twice to see if a man wrote this article. Please keep writing, because your brethren need to hear this type of intelligent, challenging discourse from another man. Every web site I search, every dating coach I read will tell me how to be, to entice, keep, make feel secure, not be ghosted by, a man I am dating/hoping to date. And when I am mistreated by yet another man, I’m told by these same dating experts to pick myself up, get happy, and move on. To what? I’m sorry, but the elephant in the room that none of us want to talk about is that somewhere between the internet and the hook up culture we accepted the idea that men are immature and that women have to weed through the bulk of them to find the “one” decent, mature human being who will not treat us as if we are expendable. I have a new idea. What if men were expected to be just as available, encouraging, supportive, tolerant, mature, etc., as women are currently expected to be. Please, let’s change the rules of the game. Because despite all of the dating experts exhortations to stay in the game, “don’t give up” they say, I will say that I am weary. I’m tired. My heart hurts. And I am one ghost away from taking my hot bod, good sense of humor, and inquiring intellect out of a game that treats me as if I am not worthy of an honest conversation or a return text.
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I agree. These are things that men shouldn’t do to women. But we make mistakes sometimes. If we know we make mistakes, we should apologize for the mistakes.
“but we make mistakes” YEAH WE KNOW. JUST SAID THAT. stop saying “but” and start saying SORRY.
“combativeness between genders” is a phrase that DOES NOT NAME THE PERPETRATOR. the perpetrator is men. this is not a war. it is a massacre OF WOMEN BY MEN. anyone who denies that can go read some history and ANTHROpology. most can’t see the forest for the trees.
Well i can certainly blame the kind of women that are out there nowadays why many of us good men are still single now the way that they have Changed for the worst of all.
Reblogged this on KateEmilie….is me and commented:
Gut feelings…
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