Is There A “Too Soon” To Spend The Night Together?
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For as long as I can remember, there has always been a terrible stereotype about girls who “put out” too soon. This could be the first, second, third, or however many dates she personally thinks are “right.”
The words thrown at girls who do this are usually mean and unjustified. I say “usually” because obviously there are women who don’t only put out on the first date, but they put out on every first date. This is much different than acting on a strong connection you feel with someone.
This raises the question: Is it ever “too soon” to spend the night? My answer is:
No.
The more important question here is, what would you rather be more true to? Your own instincts and feelings, or the perception of what others might think of you if they were to find out?
I know of situations where weeks were spent with someone and both partners went their separate ways before things got physical. I also know of situations where things physically escalated quickly, but the flame continued to burn.
I think if you’ve got a true connection with someone – there is really no reason to wait “x” amount of time. As a man, I can confidently say that if I genuinely enjoy a woman’s presence in my life, even if we spend the night together on the first date, why would I not want to continue that and see her again?
Plus, what if you wait too long, develop an emotional attachment, commit to each other, but then find out after that physically, the spark just isn’t there? That could create an even more uncomfortable situation. Physical compatibility is a large piece of the relationship puzzle, and ignoring it for too long will do more harm than good.
There is something that all women should keep in mind if they willingly become intimate with someone and don’t hear from him again: If he doesn’t call, it’s not because of when “it” happened. It’s because he didn’t feel a connection. Of course there is a risk and investment from both the man and the woman that this will be the last time the two of you connect – in order to act on your emotions, you need to be okay with this possibility.
Two consenting adults enjoying each others’ company, is just that. Perpetuating the idea that expressing your natural desires is in some way bad or makes you less of a person, is harmful to us individually and also in our relationships. By no means should we run around and try to take home everyone with two legs – that is neither smart nor safe, but if you feel a genuine connection with a person and want to act on it…
I say, do what you feel is right. But if you feel it’s right every first date with every guy, you may have to raise your standards. Remember, a first date is not the same as a one night stand. A first date means you’ve likely been speaking to someone for a few days or a week prior to when you actually get together. You’ve began to build a connection and learn about each other. This is much different than meeting in a bar and going home with each other.
Some people say it’s not “chivalrous” to be with a woman intimately if you’re not married – but being chivalrous is about being true to your nature and building a relationship based on love and mutual respect. These things mean all different things to different people, and it is never our place to judge another’s definition or what they decide is best for their own life.
Additionally, when you have physical contact with someone your brain releases a hormone called oxytocin. This is almost like a “bonding” agent and creates a stronger connection with the other person. So logically and scientifically you are actually preventing yourself from becoming as close as you can with your partner by ignoring your natural desires.
The next time someone tries to make you feel guilty for living your life differently than they live theirs, remember that being selfish isn’t about living in the way that you choose. Being selfish is about expecting everyone else to live in the way that you choose, too.
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First of all, let me say, I love your blog. I’m often inspired by your posts, even if I may not agree with everything you say. However, I felt the need to call you out on this one. This article can essentially be summated as, “Chivalry means doing what feels right to you.” That, sir, is the opposite of chivalry. The epidomy of selfishness is not necessarily “expecting everyone else to live by your standards”. Rather, it is only living for yourself, which is what you seem to be promoting in this article. You appear to be saying that chivalry is relative to oneself. And yet, that statement inherently destroys the concept of chivalry as well as much of what you’ve written about having universal standards in other articles. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I was disappointed with this article for those reasons. Love the rest of your work, dissatisfied with this. Thanks.
Hi Jalois,
Apologies for my lack of clarity in my points made here. While my hundreds of other articles make my belief in selflessness clear, one should not be so selfless as to sacrifice their own identity for the sake of what others think or how they will be perceived by society.
Furthermore, in relationships if both partners are happy and satisfied, I believe that to be often times the goal. This also means acting in a way that is true to yourself.
I don’t mean to act selfishly, but to act in accordance with one’s own desires and beliefs.
I hope this helps,
– James
Thanks for the response, and the clarification.
I think the key here is honesty. as long as you are being honest with yourself about your feelings and the situation and honest with the other person you are good. IMO It is only too soon if you don’t feel comfortable being honest.
Best article ever on this subject. You have spoken exactly what I believe on this matter. Thank you for your voice of REASON on this highly sensitive topic.
Marcela hits it home. Most people are not honest with themselves when it comes to this. Women arent honest to themselves about seeing the signs or red flags men give off, and men arent honest with themselves and say what they need to get their own desires met.
Me personally? Ive been on both ends. I’ve ‘waited’ til what I felt was the right time (and it happened to fizzle out) and after that I ‘went for it’ and literally the first thing I ever did after flirting a bit and hanging out once, I went for the gusto and kissed her right then and there. I initially lied to myself..she was just to be a hookup and we were to go our separate ways, but it ended up forming into one of the most life-changing experiences Ive ever had, as well as teaching me several important lessons about family, love and relationships. In the end, I guess you never know where life will take you….I was a man of morals as my family raised me that way, I tried the ‘player’ ways but after meeting her I matured up and realized what I had on my hands.
Unless you’ve already been friends for years, having sex on first date is gross.
What difference does it make whether you’ve been friends 5 years or 5 minutes, as the author points out, only you can truly know when the right time to have sex with someone for the first time is. Just because outdated ideals like yours are mentioned everywhere, doesn’t make them any less or any more true.
[…] have previously made my position clear on subjects such as sex on the first date. I think if you have developed a connection with a person, truthfully enjoy your time together, and […]
Great advice and very well written. Living life in your own terms, after thinking thru all of the consequences, is the best way to live. That way you have no regrets. Following your gut instincts, with each person, is the right way to live.
James love your positive messages and insightful, non-judgmental approach to modern dating. Thanks!!