5 Things Men Need To Learn About Women
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[social_warfare]
Sure, we have all met some women who seem to be more complicated than Chinese algebra. Even the famous Oscar Wilde remarked: Women are meant to be loved, not understood.
But, I do think that as men, we over-complicate women because we expect them to be just like us. It’s natural for anyone to project their own qualities onto others and become confused when they don’t fit the mold, but once we step outside of ourselves and see people as they are, and not as we are, our vision becomes clearer.
It doesn’t matter what you say, it matters how she feels.
A woman’s honesty to herself is unparalleled, because her self-esteem is rooted where it should be, in herself. You can call her beautiful or sexy or gorgeous every single day, but if she doesn’t feel it, it won’t get through to her.
You need to make her feel all of these things, and more. In fact, what you don’t say usually matters more than what you do say. As the saying goes, actions speak louder than words.
You work on logic, she works on emotion.
This is not to say that women are illogical or don’t use logic in every day situations – often their thoughts and ideas are better articulated than their male counterparts. The point I’m trying to make here is that a woman’s emotions will influence her actions more than a man’s would for him.
As men, society teaches us to keep our feelings hidden, so we don’t acknowledge them as much, and therefore don’t act on them as women do.
It has always been seen as a negative for a man to be in touch with his ‘feminine side,’ but when people say this, they’re typically referring to someone who is more in touch with his own emotions. Women will naturally gravitate closer to men like this, because they feel they will be better understood.
(Hint: Women, this also means if you want your man to know how you feel about something, you need to tell him. He may not be able to read it on his own).
Women don’t compartmentalize.
Meaning, if a man has a bad day at work, he can come home, give his woman a kiss, pour himself a drink, and (usually) unwind – blocking out the stress until the next day (assuming his work doesn’t come home with him).
If a woman has a bad day, it will often affect her mood, and her interactions. This is exactly the time when men need to shut up and not tell her to ‘get over it’ or that it’s ‘not a big deal’ because these things stay fresh in her mind. Be understanding, be comforting, and she will feel better.
What women want isn’t that complicated.
It’s always a mystery what women want in a relationship…or is it?
Believe it or not, gentlemen, women are humans too. This means they crave the same things that you do, deep down, but probably won’t admit.
They want to be loved, respected, trusted, and adored. They want you to listen, at least make an attempt to understand, and help where you can. They’re not nearly as complicated as you think – so don’t make it worse than it is.
She is more afraid of rejection than you are.
I know man, trust me. I’ve been rejected probably more than the average guy. I know how much it sucks and how hard it is to put all of that risk on the table when approaching a woman.
But, a woman’s desire is to be desired. Every societal norm, whether you agree with it or not, shows her that she is to be pursued.
Are you waiting for her to make the first move? Stop.
Can you imagine the blow to self-esteem when you are the one to be desired, being made to feel undesirable?
________________________________________________________________________________________
Like anything in life, we tend to avoid or be intimidated by what we don’t understand. But, we can choose to observe, learn, and eliminate the hesitation.
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“Women work on emotions” is probably the biggest 1 of all I’d point out. This is so crucial yet men often times don’t realize. I often times in spite of knowing the situation, will fall into the trap of letting myself get bogged down into logical thinking when trying to rationalize things to women or my girlfriend.
Reblogged this on Kim's Random Thoughts.
As a long time woman (nearly 60….happily married to a professional gentleman for 35 years, and I raised three sons to adulthood) there are a couple other points that could be made: Men’s lives tend to revolve around their profession or career, and women’s lives, around their relationships. As in points made in the rest of this article, there are of course exceptions to this, but across the board, this is what I have observed. (I am a professional woman.) The other thing is that men tend to want to “fix” things and oftentimes begin looking for solutions to something about which a woman is venting. Once the problem-solving phase begins, the listening phase is pushed to the background. Many times she doesn’t want you to “fix” it. She just wants you to…..listen! Great article!
So very true! Thanks for sharing
I as a 52 year old twice divorced guy, Women won’t you to more than anything Listen to What they have to say, its on their mind, and they need to be heard so you can make a nice suggestion from a Man’s point of view? Maybe I’m wrong, but women are here for us Guys way more than we are to them! I’m just looking from the outside looking in, the more you communicate, the better or both of you will be!! HUCK!
“As men, society teaches us to keep our feelings hidden, so we don’t acknowledge them as much, and therefore don’t act on them as women do.”
For a logical guy, you didn’t think this one through much (or you are uninformed about human psychology). That men tend to have smaller emotional vocabularies (because many cultures don’t encourage boys to learn about their emotions), doesn’t mean that they are any less emotional or emotionally driven. In fact, a lack of conscious awareness of emotions actually makes those emotions more powerful. For, how can you master something you aren’t aware of or understand?
Try this, next time you try to “logic” a woman out of her feelings, or solve a problem so that a woman won’t feel bad anymore, notice your own feelings for a moment. Your efforts to make her feel “better” are probably an effort to reduce your own emotional discomfort regarding her feelings. Furthermore, if you so-called logic hasn’t helped her feel better, why keep trying the same technique? Seems pretty illogical to me.
“Believe it or not, gentlemen, women are humans too.This means they crave the same things that you do”
Yes. This is smart, and is consistent with what the social sciences tell us about the innate differences (or lack of differences) between the sexes.
I think you misunderstood what James said here. I dont believe he is talking about extreme emotional circumstances. He is talking about everyday ordinary decisions here. And to prove his point all you need do is walk down the shampoo aisle at the super market. Which side is more flashy? Mens or womens? They are trying to appeal to a womans emotions to get her to choose their product over another…have a greater emotional connection or attraction. What name will she pick for her daughter…she will probably through out any names that go along with negative memories as a child….such as a girl her stole her boyfriend when she was 15…He is not spouting negative propaganda saying women are illogical or that a men are more logical than woman…or that woman dont use critical thnking skills. You seem to think he is trying to…oh how did you put it…help a woman “logically” think her way out of a problem as though they are incapable of doing this themselves. But I pretty sure he said in situations like you proposed…that now is the time to shut up and listen amd comfort them…not offer a solution. Anyways, I am pretty sure you just proved most of what he said about emotinal decisions anyways. You just in fact read the same article as everyne else and have seemingly come to a different conclusion. You have made an emotinal decision to diagree with the logic aspect of this based on something that has happened in your life . Something, that has some how triggered a negative response to an article that can only be seen as something that is positive and trying to be helpful and provide understanding. And you try to belittle this man and use psychological jargin to add validity to your stinging comments.
Well I think this chick knows what she’s talking about. Im no psychologist but came to the same conclusion years ago, that men are actually the more powerfully emotional of the two. Those is why women are known for being cunning, while men are known for being reckless.
And an emotion that isn’t consciously understood IS more powerful… its called a “compulsion”!
Well I think this chick knows what she’s talking about. Im no psychologist but drew the same conclusion years ago. Men are the more powerfully emotional of the two. This is why women are known for being cunning, while men are known for being reckless.
And an emotion that isn’t consciously understood IS more powerful, in either sex… it’s called a “compulsion”!
Just as an aside, I’ve also met women who were at least as compartmentalized as any man.
Where in her response does it say anything about her relating this to horrible experiences? Who are you to TELL her and everyone reading these comments what SHE is feeling and what SHE is doing? You have no idea who she is what she is feeling or exactly what she is trying to convey and where the desire to convey it came from. You have every right to disagree with her opinion, as that would be your opinion. But how dare you dictate her emotions and assume where her logic came from. You obviously learned nothing from reading the article if this is how you can so easily react.
Decisions are made out of habit – no emotion involved there; or out of a situational mix of emotions and rational thought.
And then, they are rationalized.
There’s been some wonderful psych studies that showed how incredibly good we are at rationalizing. It is enlightening.
What we are looking at right now is the story people tell after rationalizing.
You see a cracked flower pot on the pavement, and you think “Oh, it must have fallen down from a windowsill!” and you look up, and there is indeed a windowsill where the flower pot might have stood. Mystery solved. Even though it is certainly possible that somebody had it on their bike and it fell down, or a kid was playing a prank. But people tend to jump to the most likely conclusion.
Due to certain societal expectations, women tend to refer more to the mood they were in, their emotions and sensations, and men tend to refer more to the rationalized aspects.
Now, everything points to our moods having a bigger influence on the actual decision making process. That means that a person who is more aware of their emotions and the impact they have – such a person has a greater chance at deciding *not* to act on a certain emotion.
As for your examples –
Re: shampoo
Recently, in my country more and more traditionally female oriented cosmetics brands started lines for men.
You can immediately spot them.
The general designs are:
Loud colours, pink and orange: teenage girls
Pastels, dark, intense colours: women in their 20s to late 30s
Pearl, beige, golden, brown, silver, with softer hues of other colours: middle-age to older women (not too sure about the codes due to a lack of experience)
Black, dark brown, neons: men
The products aiming at men are immediately visible; which, of course, spares them to have to look at many different bottles and *possibly be seen looking at women’s cosmetics*.
Which, apparently, is a huge embarrassment. Women rarely have any problem with that. I’ve known many girls who used men’s products because they liked the smell.
Re: Names
If I ever come into that situation it’ll be a choice the father and I make together, and depend on the country we expect to live in during the kid’s childhood (so that s/he doesn’t stick out like a sore thumb or evokes prejudice or stereotypes, but without completely removing her/his heritage), the meaning of the name, famous people who had that name and how common it is. (I do like the idea of naming a girl Malala, though.)
Re: Solutions/Comfort
I think it depends much more on the individual than their gender. I usually want comfort, but I dish out solutions. (I don’t want readymade solutions because I want to fix the problem myself, but sometimes I am really frustrated and hope somebody encourages me to just keep on trying.)
On the other hand, having somebody honestly think about your problem means they don’t think it’s irrelevant, and that can be a comfort, too. The real problem arises when somebody comes up with a possible solution, and then expects you to use it, expects it to work, and is hurt when you can’t use it or it doesn’t work.
Thanks for this comment! Someone posted this piece on facebook and I clicked because what feminist doesn’t get intrigued by generalizations based on gender?
Anyway, this article is awful and I’m honestly shocked anyone sees it as anything but a horrifying sexist generalization.
I agree. Ugh I am so sick of men going around saying women are more “emotional.” I roll my eyes day after day at my boyfriend stomping around and slamming doors as I calmly go about my business. And sometimes, I get angry too! Point is, you cannot speak in such generalizations. Women have been taught not to try to understand men, and men not to try to understand women; It will “never” happen… well, think back on how many things women “obsess” about (such as which shampoo is more flashy, like the guy in the other comment was saying). Who created that shit and marketed it for women? Men, because women want things that work, and men never tried to understand that. Now we are desperately trying not to be or be seen as vapid, shallow, overly emotionally, or emotionless. I’m just sick of it! Really disappointing article.
Considering many psychological studies and experiments that have taken place and PROVE that these gender generalizations are correct (not for everyone, there’s always an outlier or two–but there are precautions taken to ensure the veracity of data) and even physiologically related, I think he has a right to express his opinions without it being “a horrifying sexist generalization.” It may be a gender generalization but it certainly is not sexist. He shows no prejudice or discrimination towards women or men. He is merely speaking from his own experience and observations, which also happen to have been accepted by the scientific community after many studies.
Could not agree more. This article should be called “5 Sexist Stereotypes about Women”.
Guess what ladies…life is FULL of generalizations. That is where we start and then narrow things down that lead us to extremes, like the extremely mean-spirited comments that all of you except Bridget have made. Why it made you feel better to belittle a man who is using generalizations to speak to the masses makes you look like mean-girl highschoolers and would be an interesting psychological study in and of itself. I give the author credit for not only making the effort to understand us as women, but to be willing to share his theories on HIS blog. And that brings up another interesting observation, that you ladies (and I use that term loosely because it would indicate that you have class, which you clearly don’t) would also think it is okay to go to someones personal blog and write such insulting comments on it. May I suggest a course study in manners? ciao, ciao
Just because life is full of generalizations doesn’t mean that we should have to put up with negative ones and embrace them as fact. The way you are insulting these people with your little “manners” comment tells me you are in fact the one in need of lessons. Get off your high horse.
Um, I’m very sorry MJH, and Charlotte and saweeks… But the three of you are the WORST feminists ever.
FIrst… You admittedly clicked this link, with full intent to disregard and claim drivel on WHATEVER may have been written. You came in waiting to see what was wrong.. and you were so blinded by your projected angst that you failed to realize the BASIS of what being a feminist is. I saw an article full of generalizations based on gender. Fair enough. That happens… we ARE different hormonally and anatomically, and in some cases neurologically. That being said, the fact that you automatically equate anything that this author said in this article as sexist shows that you’re just angry… not a feminist.
NOT ONCE does this author use any derogatory language towards women. NOT ONCE does he state that the way they behave is wrong, incorrect, or stupid. Unlike your behaviour in these comments. Which are all three.
He was merely pointing out differences in the ways women think and respond, which ARE different from the approaches men take.
There’s a word for this situation where a bunch of women get overly emotional because of an article trying to get awareness out that emotions play heavily into female decision making.
Had your emotions not ran you into a froth over something that, even if totally untrue, is not insulting nor belittling, you would realize that your comments: proved the author correct.
Bravo.
Wow there Nate, making a lot of assumptions there aren’t we? If I’m the worst femininist ever that’s fine I’m not a feminist at all. I went into this curious and left feeling gross. Yes men and women have differences I don’t think anyone is trying to say they don’t. But saying things like women only think with emotion is just a much. Keep it classy bro.
As a man, when my therapist akses me hat my feeling is about something, I often can’t get beyond “negative”. Thank God she has an emotion wheel/chart to help identify these mysterious sentiments!
I just LOVE that you are writing about these things. Even at my age, I am still a woman inside and always will be. Your writing also reminds we women need to know and remember about men, again, no matter the age. Thank you.
Men want to be LOVED and women want/need to be needed!! That is the simple but true answer!!!! Also respect on both sides, I would NEVER scream profanities at my husband even if I wanted to nor would he at me!!! Total respect no matter what!!!
Thank you for voicing out our needs that sometimes even we do not realize. Everything you wrote in this post is spot on.
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These lines are key: “Like anything in life, we tend to avoid or be intimidated by what we don’t understand. But, we can choose to observe, learn, and eliminate the hesitation.” It can be easy to avoid emotional intimacy by using the excuse that men and women don’t understand one another, but if we’re willing to put forth the effort it takes to gain that understanding, the results can be beautiful.
I appreciated the effort of trying to clarify communication or the desire to understand each other. This excerpt, however, presumes that the readers are prescribing to social norms of each gender – a kind of thinking inside the box that I think isn’t very compassionate or healthy. Stop limiting yourselves and learn to be loving, aware, and sensitive to the moment (and yourselves). It’s much harder, but you won’t need any other “rules” then.
good article, thanks for sharing 🙂
I can imagine a parallel article being written entitled, “The 5 Things Women Need to Know about Men”. 1. It doesn’t matter what you feel, it only matters what you say. We have all agreed on language, and the meaning of words. You can say things like “just pay attention to how I feel” and “it doesn’t have to make sense you know” and he will say “what the hell are you talking about?” every time. If you have a problem, express it with WORDS that make logical sense. Your emotions are just making it harder for him to understand you. 2. While you think emotionally, he thinks in terms of logic. Stop making everything into a soap opera. If you have a problem, bring it up so it can be dealt with. Your constant stream of emotional fireworks, is distracting him and making it harder for him to recognize your real needs. 3. He compartmentalizes well. When he has a bad day, he doesn’t dump it on you. He comes home and loves you all the same. You had a bad day too. You can’t keep it in. You decide to whine, and fuss, and complain for a while, ruining his rest. Then you tell him that he should “shut up” and be “understanding”. How about you have some decency, and “shut up” first. He doesn’t want to hear about your bad day, especially not when you follow it up with a lot of emotions late at night. Alcohol, and sleeping on the couch is preferable. 4. What he needs is incredibly simple. Food, Sex, Sleep, in that order. All of his activities are to obtain these things. 5. He is confident in the relationship. He isn’t afraid of being rejected by you, and he is probably tired of your constant insecurity. What are you so afraid of all the time, that someone won’t adore you every 5 seconds? Your need for attention and approval is unhealthy, and shallow. Get over yourself.
The point here is that asking Men to learn about women is one thing, but demanding they behave like women, bend over backwards for women’s needs, and see everything from the women’s perspective, is absolutely ridiculous and sexist. No one would write a legitimate article telling a woman to “shut up” and be “understanding”. For some reason this seems culturally appropriate to tell a man. This is pure sexist bullshit.
I would like to buy you a beer, good sir. Thank you for making my day.
I’m right behind tauwolf with another round, props to you my good sir
The article points out a few things that are true – such as the way we handle a ‘bad day’. But I find a lot of the explanations were unnecessary.
Basically saying, “men are more logical, but can’t think on the same level as a woman”. That doesn’t apply to everyone. And frankly, it’s a bit of a sexist statement against men.
Wasn’t a fan of this article. Men don’t need to ‘learn’ about women, they just need to accept them as they are. Same goes for women.
First off, so much of this article is based on communicative myths regarding the deficiencies in male and female language, which are—shocker—untrue.
There really aren’t many communicative differences between men and women at all. And, the few that exist are extraordinarily minor. What does exist is the societal expectation that there are gender differences in communication. This then leads researchers to confirm this bias, because it’s what they’re expecting to find, and then the general public jumps on board. While I appreciate what this article is attempting to do—assist romantic partners in bettering their relationships—it does it in a horribly sexist and incorrect way.
I almost had hope when the author acknowledged the fact that many societal norms do place unfair expectations and assumptions upon the female gender regarding desirability, but they immediately prefaced the fact that females “desire to be desired.” While aspects of society may try to influence women to this point of view, it’s not true. This is a huge generalization. Speaking from personal experience, I do not “desire to be desired.” I desire a partner who respects me a human being, not an object to be desired and or adored. The moment we cross from acknowledging our partners and their flaws as an aspect of human relationships, we place them upon pedestals where they can be “adored.” By making this shift from human being to desired object, an irreparable power difference is created between the sexes.
Men don’t need to work on learning that “women don’t compartmentalize” or “women operate on emotion while men operate on logic” because that’s garbage. What we as human beings need to work on is acknowledging to perceived power differences in the human language and the way that societies views and influences the different genders to act toward each other.
Men don’t need to learn useless, sexist generalizations about women. Human beings need to learn how to treat each other as respected equals who are, in fact, equal partners in a relationship. That’s what’s going to make for a healthy relationship, not five tips from the Internet.
I think the fact that this article is even written says a whole lot about how women are treated in our society. I, personally, don’t feel like this helps women or the feminist movement in the slightest. I prefer people to treat me as an equal, not to dissect my actions or emotions a different way because I’m a woman. How about you get to know me as a person and then make your decisions about how to best handle your relationship with me?
Oh, and, those pictures? Not helping.
I’m just mad after reading some of the comments ahah.
Well, here is my opinion as well, not lesser or better than that of those seemingly educated individuals:
I loved this article. Because I agree with it. I think men and women are equal, however, I want my guy to make me feel beautiful and needed and valued and loved and understood and etc oh my goodness etccccc(sorry, I’m a woman. Not sorry.) And then he can have all the sex he wants haha (in response to Noah.) (Love too obviously.)
Reblogged this on to travel and beyond.
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I love reading your articles and what you have to say, but there seems to be a constant question that I’ve had. If women are in fact more confident these days, then what’s wrong with women asking the guy out?
I’m tired of this “men think in terms of logic; women think in terms of emotion” fiction. One of the things that drive me crazy about the men I’ve had relationships with is that they do NOT think logically. Sometimes they’ve actually criticized me for taking a logical approach to things. There is more diversity among men and among women than such articles would indicate. For example, I’m bad about trying to help “fix” problems for others, men and women, when they just want to vent. This is supposedly a male characteristic. No, it’s an individual characteristic. Nor have I particularly noticed that the men I’ve been close to are able to “compartmentalize” their lives so that they can emotionally “set aside” a bad day at work or whatever. Could men and women please stop stereotyping and polarizing each other?
Just the fact that you ladies areao defensive about the.emotion part of the arrival and are spewing so, probably just proves he is correct! Men do have emotions but are.able to turn them off when they want and or are needed.to, they are born that way. Women HAVE to express EVERYTHING. Traditionally in history men ran the show, went to war, carried burdens women weren’t allowed to carry (yes, I’m aware society has changed), this would be impossible if they couldn’t turn it off. Things are slowly changing in that society allows women to take mans place and also men are allowed to be softer, but naturally we are born as such and so are males. It wasn’t meant to be derogatory, it was meant to make men look at women a little softer…keep having a fit and the men in your lives may not be so sweet. 🙂
Gasp! Women that feel the need to express everything? Run for your lives! /rolls eyes
So Whitney, the moment we defend an argument, we are women, so chances are we’re being emotional eh? Is that YOUR “logic”?
Please excuse my mistakes in typing, it is very late and I am tired.
Dear Feminazis,
As maturing individuals, I highly recommend that you turn your attention back to your personal development or take your fight some place else. This article, gently and observantly written is not your enemy. Take care to fight your personal demons else where.
~Jess; a girl with all guy friends because I’m sick of your emotional shit.
PS. Well said, James.
PSS. Thank you Whitney. Typing mistakes or no; very well done.
[…] 5 Things Men Need To Learn About Women. […]
You just described my boyfriend.
Women are their own worst enemy!
Article proves just how crazy women can be. ..take out logic n reason and operate solely on emotion.Guys don’t try to help them solve the problem or understand it, but instead sit there like a mindless sheep and listen to her complain for umpteenth time about the samething over n over bc women “allow their emotions and feelings dictate their actions much more than men do”So bc their women we just have to accept it? No thx id rather have a strong , independent , logical woman who doesn’t allow her decisions to be made soley on emotion and who can recognize a problem n attempt to fix it rather than complain about it..
You don’t think maybe her “complaining about the same thing for the umpteenth time” isn’t her way of attempting to find a solution to the problem? Some ppl may even find it easier to put everything out on the table as a way to better understand the situation & seek a solution… like a verbal puzzle, as it were. It really sounds to me like you have a very closed-minded idea of women & quite frankly, if you ARE actually dating a woman, I wouldn’t be surprised if she were depressed, unconfident & very frustrated with you on a regular basis.
[…] December 3, 2013 · by James Michael Sama · […]
Men have testosterone making it hard for us to be emotional, also it makes us uncontrollably horny are you women sympathetic to that? fuck no your not so stop trying to get perfect because we are all far from.
1. Both men and women have testosterone (and estrogen) in varying amounts.
2. Testosterone does not make people uncontrollably horny, or unable to have emotions. The effects of hormones are infinitely more complicated than that. We are not slaves to our hormones.
3. “are you women sympathetic to that? fuck no your not…” It’s you’re, not your.
For the love of God, all you have to do to learn these things is go to Wikipedia. Stop complaining about shit and go educate yourself.
Please don’t compare the testosterone level in male and females. You sound like a moron for doing so.
@Jessica
I don’t think that word means what you think it means. Feminazis are far more likely to defend this article than fight against it. As it makes men look worse and women look like victims. The feminists on this comment thread who are decrying the article are perfectly valid in their points. The article itself is polarizing and based on a crapload of fallacious gender myths that have been latched onto by the general public.
Sincerely,
An MRA.
[…] I’ve been getting a lot of heat in the comments on certain blog posts about how I am “sexist” in my […]
Ok mules are cool, what I hear you saying is shut up and listen, look if you don’t want us to fix your problem then don’t share it with us. I take any complaint my wife has about her life to heart because I want her to be happy, I mean really, you want to complain and the right answer is shut up and listen… Wow here’s some advice for you, save those comments for people that don’t love you … Hey Sweetie I may have picked you for ever and ever but here’s how my life sucks, ohh by the way I just want you to listen to me complain and do nothing…. WOW crappiest advice ever!!!
Sorry but, what?
I said be comforting and be understanding – this requires talking, yes?
…I said shut up and DON’T TELL HER to “get over it.”
Reading comprehension is your friend. Try it sometime.
1) The first point has been the source of more grief in my life. Not understanding & conveying that what a woman feels is important enough to validate it and undo it is a train wreck waiting to happen for any man.
2) Actions DO speak loudly of what a man’s thoughts and heart is towards a woman. And we know it.
3) I hope your days of rejection are over. Mine, sadly are not. So yes, we fear that. Thanks for saying these things.
– A
ps. are you single. 😉
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Balancing this equation is simple, keep societal conditioning out, and both genders meet halfway; while keeping in mind how roles are meant to compliment other. We get along as kids, but somehow grow apart as adults, what happened?? We self inflict the game aspects, and that’s only the beginning, next there is the stand off. Anyway, if we all can learn to be truthful, and not take advantage of each other, that should just about sum it up eh? It all goes both ways as humans, what society tells us. That aside, we are the all the same, with roles attached. It all relative, what matters to me is equal to what matter to you, no matter how big or small. Both men and women could use a little trade off, be it logic or intuition/emotion. What are the intention in conjunction to the expectations. What is the impact of selfishness. I think today, we are all frozen until the reason defrosts to allow complimenting establishment.
I’m gonna say that the reason you’ve been rejected more than the average man is probably because you’re a sexist asshole.
Hi Becca,
Thanks for taking the time to read this article and comment. Your comment makes me curious about which parts of what I said were factually inaccurate and if you could provide examples about why I am wrong, regardless of your feelings towards the issues?
My girlfriend and I celebrated our anniversary a couple of weeks ago and are very happy. She’s a strong, intelligent woman who holds a master’s degree and has been all over the world. I hardly think she would lower herself to be with a “sexist asshole.”
Looking forward to your descriptive answer as a follow up to your initial insult.
Thanks!
– James
James,
Congratulations on what I’m sure is a healthy, loving relationship. I hope to be as educated as your wife one day, although I’m sure that if I choose to get married it will be to someone of slightly different opinions about women.
First of all, to productively communicate with another human being (and we are working on the very generous concession that women are humans), even one who happens to be more emotional than others, one should absolutely not treat him or her in a way that is so demeaning as to assume that his or her logic is compromised by those emotions. Even if it is. Furthermore, it is incredibly sexist to claim that all women are inhibited by their emotions when I have never noticed this to be especially true of either sex. In my household, it was always my mother who was calm and my father who flew into a rage. I think that anger is an emotion that typically could be seen to compromise the logic of men, although it is not exclusive to men just as emotional influence is not exclusive to women.
Second, it is extremely belittling of you to advise that men should “at least make an attempt to understand” a woman, as if her bad mood is completely irrational and would be a challenge to explain with any sort of reason. I have never had a hard time explaining something that I am in a bad mood because of a seemingly impossible assignment or a bad day at work.
Your article, though it may be insightful of gender constructs that are common in our society, is an enforcer of this negativity. I apologize for the initial insult, but my view remains that this article is sexist and disparaging toward the part of the female population that is trying rise above such stereotypes and be taken seriously as leaders.
Becca
You use interesting phraseology here – can you show me where in the article that I said women are inhibited in any way by their emotions? There are scientific studies showcasing the differences in hardwiring between men and women’s brains, are you able to provide a contrary one that shows that men and women both act equally on emotion and logic?
Furthermore, I specifically state in this article: This is not to say that women are illogical or don’t use logic in every day situations – often their thoughts and ideas are better articulated than their male counterparts.
But, perhaps you missed this part after just reading the headline of the section.
I also find it interesting how many seemingly intelligent women feel that someone finally understands them and that this article is helpful to share with their friends and significant others – that could also explain why hundreds and thousands of people have read it.
I notice the use of “I” and “me” in your comments, I take this to mean that something in this article hit home with you and perhaps offended you, which of course was not my intention and I apologize.
Everyone is different, and of course I understand that. You may not fall into the statements made within this article, so therefore it is not about you – but it is certainly about thousands of other women who have read and agreed with it.
I am not a psychologist and don’t ever claim to have never-ending knowledge of the human race. I cannot possibly single out 7 billion people on the planet and speak about each one specifically.
What I can do, is use my opinions and observations to make claims I view to be generally correct, on my own personal blog where it is expected that I would do so – without being insulted by readers who have never met me and have no idea what I am about.
Again, I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.
– James
So many comments suggest that this article is sexist and demeaning. Several suggested that if women are like this then they cannot be independent and strong. I completely disagree. Personally, I agree with everything in this article. But does that make me weak and dependent upon others? I don’t think so. I live by myself, pay my own bills, go to school, work when I need to, ask for help when I need it, cook for myself and my boyfriend, and travel as needed (which takes 3.5 hours for me to get back home to my family). I would say that’s being pretty independent and strong. Do I want my boyfriend to treat me as an equal? Yes, I do. I want him to respect my decisions as a person just as he wants me to respect his. I want him to be as responsible and intelligent as I am. I want him to not look down on me because I am a woman. But I do need to feel needed without being told that my place is in the kitchen and taking care of his every need. He is just as capable as I am. He can take care of himself. That is what makes us equal. I need to be needed and he needs me to love him. And honestly, in this relationship, I am the stronger and more independent person, but I love him just the same.
Many comments are suggesting that women are not strong and independent if they have the feelings mentioned. I’m sorry to tell you that if you believe this article makes a woman weak and dependent, then you are probably the one who is weak and dependent. Women are designed to be both ways. We need to have our independence while feeling needed. Being needed doesn’t make you weak, if anything, it makes you stronger because it means that you are able to take care of yourself and someone else. I completely agree with this article. I am an independent woman who goes to school 3.5 hours away from where her family is, lives by herself, works when needed, travels the 3.5 hours home by herself on holidays, and pays her own bills. Now don’t get me wrong, I struggle sometimes. I can’t keep a steady job that works well around my school schedule, so I ask for help from the people that I consider to be my support group. I feel like that makes me stronger. I recognize that there are things that have to be done and do everything in my power to get them done. However, at the end of the day, I want my boyfriend to sit down beside me. I want to curl up against him and feel needed. At the same time, I show him the love that he requires. Sometimes he makes me mad and I get so emotional. Yes, I get emotional when he makes me mad. I hate being mad at him. I hate it when he’s mad at me. Does that make me weak? I think not. It just means that I love him enough to show him that what he has done has upset me. He tells me when he’s mad at me. We work on it and we make up. Do I need to talk about stuff when I’ve had a bad day? Yes, I do sometimes. He does too. Sometimes we have bad days on the same days. We both talk about it unless one of us just doesn’t want to talk about it. We respect what we have to say. We don’t write it off as whining and complaining because if it’s being said out loud then it bothers us enough so that we need someone to talk about it with. I need him and I love him. Needing him, being emotional, wanting to be desired does not make me a weak person. If you feel that anything I have said in this post makes me weak please tell me and then tell me what makes you so strong. Wanting to be needed and desired is not necessarily a bad thing, people.
Thanks so much for your amazing comment, I appreciate you sharing all of this.
And, mostly, thank you for truly understanding the essence of this article, the statements within it, and relationships as a whole.
– JMS
This was a very interesting article, which is unfortunately marred by a few base ad homenim attacks on the author without offering any fact-based rebuttals. There are a myriad of studies indicating that there are, in fact, biologically based disparities amongst men and women in not only how they react to differing stimuli, but in language configuration capability (what this article primarily discusses). Contrary to the notion advocated by some in the comments section, gender is not a learned construct, nor are the correlates in behavior (i.e., men are typically more sexually driven and less prone to being dissuaded from sexual activity by non-consistent variables like emotional status than women: http://www.carlsonschool.umn.edu/Assets/71520.pdf, though, a number of differences in constructs in self-esteem are almost certainly attributable to societal influences). As has been mentioned before, this isn’t to say there aren’t exceptional outliers, but the Bell curve is the model we’re working with here, and these generalizations are *generally*applicable. This is hardly justification for sexism based on antiquated notions like women being unable to complete job functions due to their excessive emotional conditions, but peer reviewed science, as well as anecdotal sources, should help us reach a point where we can accept and appreciate our difference, while minimizing conflict due to communication difficulties…and maybe limit the popularity of stupid CBS family sitcoms.
More food for thought:
http://psycnet.apa.org/journals/bul/125/3/367/
http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/1996-01402-006
Reblogged this on my life about me and commented:
It’s like it hit the nail on the head!
I like the article and felt you completely understood me as a woman. I’m passing the article to friends on my facebook to read.
This is fantastic to hear, thanks for the positive feedback Grace!
I would like to point out that all of these things are not natural, but created by society, this means that women have the ability to compartmenatalize, but choose not to because “that’s what women do”, and men choose to compartmentalize, even though all they want to do is complain about their day, because we have been trained this way. The next time you complain about your significant other not being emotional enough remember they are this way because you and the rest of society made them this way!
“a woman will allow their emotions and feelings to dictate their actions much more than men do.”
Yeah, not true at all. Instead of trying to understand women, we should try to understand individuals. Biology =/= destiny.
Hey, thanks for putting yourself out there and writing something like this. I’m sure you don’t read these argumentative comments on your blog (I wouldn’t), but in case you read mine, thanks for trying to help a bro out. =)
I personally loved this blog post & find it quite refreshing! I also can’t really fathom how so many can consider it to be sexist. So the author used generalizations… how does one discuss the actions/reactions of millions? By naming them individually & assessing each one? Come on now ppl. & yes, women do factor in their emotions when it comes to decision-making, whereas men typically do not. That’s not sexist, it’s an observation that even science acknowledges! There’s been plenty of studies on the differences between male/female brain activity that conclude that more neurons fire in a woman’s brain when it comes to logic & decision-making & even more-so on the emotional part of the brain when compared to men. It’s not sexist, it’s how we are wired. & the author even stated that it’s not that women are illogical(actually more-so), we just look at things differently. & as far as the ppl who say “you just think men need to shut up”, i for one didn’t take it that way at all. When I’m venting about a situation, the last thing I want is to be cut-off & told how to handle it without being able to explain everything. Maybe the situation has been handled & the woman just wants to get it off their mind. Or (& this goes back to the difference in decision-making) the details matter when trying to find a solution & women feel it’s better to assess the entire picture before jumping to a conclusion. It’s not at all that we want our guys to just shut up & take it because we do value input, but we want our input to be valued as well… & in a way, for a man to automatically jump to giving solutions, it could come off as him trying to get his woman to shut up. That’s not a very good way to keep her happy. It’s also not a good idea for women to compartmentalize… especially for the guy cause chances are it’s coming out eventually, at random & all at once which can be utterly confusing, scary & seem just a tad unfair. So, if a woman is venting, it’s a good idea to let her whether one feels it’s trivial or not. On the subject of showing over saying: oh my lord, YES! My long-term b/f & I have been through & over this subject more than 1000 times… i personally don’t want words, I want actions. A guy can say something over & over, but if he can’t back it up with actions, words mean nothing. & I think a lot of that really comes down to past experiences & relationships. If a woman has heard the same lines & promises in the past, fallen for it & been scorned, those same lines are not gonna be taken as seriously just because someone SAYS them. Sorry, this is a tad long, but I’m gonna wrap it up with one ladt thing… & I think this is more of something for the guys out there: no matter what men may think, women (or rather MOST) are not interested in having a slave. A real woman wants a man who treats her as an equal & is willing to accept equal responsibility of keeping up the house, taking care of the kids & making sure things are in order. It’s not slavery to ask for laundry to be folded or trash to be taken out while she’s picking up groceries or doing the dishes. If both parties are taking part of the responsibilities, it leaves more time for both to sit down, relax & enjoy eachother’s company. A relationship doesn’t work if one person has to take on everything by themselves while the other enjoys life… that just breeds resentment & is the last thing a person wants in a relationship.
Thank you for this amazing comment!
I’m so glad that you read the article for what it was and really understand the points that I was trying to make instead of poking holes in nuances or semantics.
It sounds like you’ve got a great relationship and a firm grasp on what makes it work – much respect. 🙂
Thank you again!
– JMS
Why don’t both men and women save themselves a lot of frustration by just staying single
Because having a partner, a life long friend, someone to love always and to be loved by always is the most rewarding feeling any human can experience in life.
The reward far outweighs the risks.
Amen sir, amen.
So very true, well said!!! : )
I dunno, I’m trying to live with a broken heart and so far it’s the hardest struggle I’ve had in life. The emotional pain far outweighs anything I’ve ever experienced. Scares me to imagine ever taking this risk again. Especially when the love still lives in my heart for a person who walked away from me, a person who I thought was my “soul mate”. Yeah, I believed in that stuff. 🙁
Amen Darren
You are right on, Darren !
Unless you have experienced everything in life this is a pretty blasé comment. Try teaching, that has always felt more rewarding to me than any relationship I have been in but I suspect you have not experienced teaching so don’t expect you to agree with me. I would rather suggest that many relationship are extremely rewarding but would not express it as “the most rewarding” – each to their own 🙂
Because staying single is the coward and lazy way. It shows you’re scared to let someone get close and you’re scared to go out of your way to care for another person.
Or staying single is just someones choice in life and they are far happier alone than together with someone… Sorry I think on the logic and theory of things not just the face value of it. 🙂
But I do have a wife and kids.
And you can care for someone without being in a relationship with them love defines far more than just romance. I feel like my Masters in Econometrics and Major in Philosophy allows for me to explain things with such ease to others. Lol
It’s so easy to sacrifice a little here and there to be in a relationship with one person. Many times people just get into relationships because they can’t deal with being alone. Those people should be less lazy and go out there and find everything they can. Life is short and the more relationships you have when your young, will directly effect the amount of long term relationships you will have when you are older. You can not say that being single and independent is lazy, for it is way more work being single. By being single you allow yourself to learn more about people, and it is far more gratifying.
Staying single isn’t being lazy. As a person who loves their single life I find I have more love to give to my childrens ministry @ church as well as my friends and family. I’m not saying that I’ll never get married but while I’m single I intend to give and receive love in so many different ways. I’m not afraid to let someone in. I’m just not gonna waste my time with the wrong person. 🙂
Lazy? Cowardly? I think it’s smart. lol
Really? Staying single is sometimes the best way to avoid conflict angst and anger. My experience is that people wait in ambush to blame everyone else for their troubles except themselves. They as questions they don’t want answered and can’t make a simple statement as to what they are feeling. My favorite being if you have to ask you’ll never understand so it’s already to late………….
so true…
Not complying to society’s norms is far from cowardly – rather I would suggest that doing just what your parents and friends do, especially if you do it because it is what is expected of you, is rather dull…but that is just my own opinion 🙂
Agreed! I don’t think it is cowardly at all, just smart. 🙂
yeah it’s definitely smart to not have kids and not enjoy life with other people. Stay isolated! ….that’s sarcasm, your apathy of living hurts my brain. Grow up and stop being a pretentious douche-bag.
That guy… Dude its just someone’s preference on life. Hes not a douche because he’s different than you.
wow Dan, I am single and very, very happy. Boy all those friends I spend time with must be my imagination, my ability to take risks in life because I don’t have to worry about someone else must make me a pretty uninteresting person to hang out with and my lack of contribution to the overpopulation of the planet must make me, also, a douche-bag…gee.
This might have to be the biggest crock of shit I”ve ever read. This article is not about communication and expressing feelings and growing together, it seems to want to foster men to be jumping through mental hoops and trying to mind read in order to “please” their women.
This article makes the relationship not equal and egalitarian and instead promotes some kind of insane logic.Look at this quick snip-it from the first paragraph ” You can call her beautiful or sexy or gorgeous every single day, but if she doesn’t’t feel it, it won’t get through to her.” Women shouldn’t be expecting men to have to go through these types of hoops it creates unrealistic expectations and things like that can cause friction and fighting when a man can’t live up to these expectations that aren’t even being communicated to him. These expectations can skew the relationship. Besides his writing errors this man clearly has no understanding of the psychological underlining and systems of relationships.
I think you failed to see this article for what it is. I dont believe it was written to be a therapy session and explain the proper way to have a successful relationship. My understanding is it is to give men a generalized idea of how women work – how they think and feel. I would say that most dont understand women at all for the reasons listed above… and honestly, I dont think that it is “jumping through hoops” for a man to try to understand a woman and how she processes things. It forces them to realize that not everyone thinks and feels as they do. It also is part of a healthy relationship in my opinion – as thats where communication comes in and meeting in the middle.
No relationship should be about “jumping through hoops”… it’s caring, trust/honesty, understanding (or at least an attempt), compromise on both parts & tons of effort that make relationships work.
I don’t think that is what he was saying. He is just trying to say how women think so that men can better understand them. It wasn’t about what men NEED to do to make their woman happy. It just sounds to me like it was meant to give insight. Understanding that men and women are different and don’t think alike can help when they are dealing with each other. My husband and I took the Love Languages test which rates 5 things-quality time, gift giving, encouraging words, touch, and acts of service. My husband’s highest valued quality was touch and it was my last one. Acts of Service was my first and his 3rd. It was so eye-opening because when he walks in from work and wants a kiss and hugs and stuff while I am trying to get dinner on the table, it was annoying sometimes. I would rather he come in and help set the table. Once I understood that that is how he best shows and receives love it really helped me with my relationship with him and helped me see those actions as he intended them. That is what I got out of the article.
Bless your heart Zero198, you must be single.
Did we read the same article? Men and women are not “equal” and that’s ok. They have better upper body strength than women, but they can’t give birth–hence not equal. Equal means the same. That’s not to say that women don’t deserve the same respect and consideration as men; as humans. I read this article as embracing the difference between men and women to make relationships run smoother. I don’t know what “hoops” your talking about. The issue is basic biological, psychological, chemical, and emotional differences between the sexes. We are two sides of the same coin. Different in our gender, but with the same value.
In total agreement with Zero198. This post is a patronizing crock that gives women the right to whatever feelings they think they have and commands a man to trim his sails to her storms. This insults men and shortchanges women. Women are not helpless vessels tossed on their emotional currents. Women who are unhappy are so because they are suppressing their true selves and living according to external rules and values. This is not a man’s fault and he should not try to protect her from the consequences. I quit taking this guy’s dime-store psychology at face value when he said men expect women to be complicated like us. Pro-tip: Men are simple. Women are complicated. Women’s complications come from them buying society’s line and living according to other values than their own, but that’s not a man’s fault. And, women who talk about their problems rarely want a man to try to help.
You poor thing. You don’t get it – women already know these sorts of things about men, because they’ve been studying them for years. It’s not about unreasonable expectations, it’s about understanding.
I agree whole-heartedly with Jenny.
I think you misunderstood the meaning behind that quote. My husband tells me that he thinks I am beautiful often. I usually don’t feel inclined to believe him, though, because he usually says it in response to my natural melancholy over seeing my body change as I age. That makes me feel patronized. That being said, he also manages to make me feel beautiful just as often simply by the way he looks at me or the way his face lights up when he makes me laugh. It isn’t about making him jump through hoops or my expectations. It is just about all of the little things that we do because we love each other. Nothing he can say to me will ever make me feel beautiful the way I do when he takes a second to drop a kiss on my shoulder while I make dinner or we hold hands while we watch television. These things tell me that I am beautiful to him no matter what I look like because he loves me.
I guess I’m going to be the only one to agree with you. And I’m not the “S-word,” either, as these people seem to be so derisive about (nothing wrong with being single). I am married with a child, hoping to have another child as soon as I am medically able, and am perfectly happy with how things are. I think that you are spot on. Both men and women have needs. First off, a man does not need to bend over backwards to “make a woman feel beautiful” because then he is asserting that she needs to place her value in her beauty. Secondly, both my dad and my husband come home from work wearing their problems. My dad used to even take out his work troubles on us. Women have been trained, especially since the 50s, to check their problems at the door and look happy. Women used to be told that no matter how big their problems are, she needs to ignore them and make her husband feel comfortable, because whatever he was experiencing at work is much bigger than any problems she had. And this attitude has not changed much. And finally, the both men and women want their feelings and needs to be acknowledged. Men have feelings too (shocking!). Both the man and the woman need to communicate with each other. Relationships are give-and-take, not parasitic. There is no one partner whose needs are more valuable than the other. If you think otherwise, please go back to the 50s.
@ LG, you took the words right out of my mind.
Too bad your parents didn’t think of this first, there would be one less ignorant post.
you want everyone to just stay single? helloooo End of Homo Sapiens….
You don’t need marriage or even LTRs to produce children. There’s a couple million single-parent kids running around here right now!
Because there is no big frustration then being along, coz if choose to be single been along will be your next future.
Because… I was going to say the population would die out, but I’ll say because then the IRS would have a fit!
Hi James,
This article is very well-written. As a woman, I agree with everything you wrote. Generalizations are usually dangerous, but I think you’ve done an excellent job of capturing the basic idea of the majority of women. Thank you for striving to understand us.
I like that you clarified the majority of women, it made me less inclined to disagree on the basis that neither #2 nor #3 apply to me personally. It helped me see the better points of the article.
Where’s the “5 things women need to know about men”?
Its the opposite to all the bullocks he wrote here 😉
1. What I say is how I feel. Don’t try to read between the lines, read my body language or misinterpret in any other way.
2. We do work on logic and leave emotion out of nearly everything.
3. We do compartmentalize. If I’m watching TV, don’t expect me to remember “that thing” that happened yesterday or will happen in a few days. I’ve either forgotten about it, or I’m not concerned about it until it’s about to happen.
4. My needs are super simple. Bill Engvall said it best: “I want a beer and I want to see something naked.” Keep alcohol in the house and offer sex as often as possible and your man will be in utter bliss and willing to do anything you want.
5. I’m not afraid of rejection, but I do get tired of complex relationships. Keep it simple and refer to #4. If you dump me, I’ll be over it by the time I finish the next beer.
I can’t speak for all men, but neither can this author speak for all women.
I think you’re right, Darren!
You Sir Are A Genius and a Scholar. Well Put Indeed.
What exactly do you mean when you say “complex relationships”? All relationships are complex in a certain sense so I don’t exactly follow what you’re referring to…
Amen overall, though. Generalizations can only get us so far but I think the more perspectives we seek out and allow ourselves to hear, the better of an understanding we can reach about each other.
So, if a guy gets as much sex and beer as he wants he will do whatever his woman wants? What if she wants him to lay off the booze and sex for a day and do just stuff she likes? Is she gonna get that, or is he gonna come up with some lame excuses to why that does not work for him and do what he always does?
Compromise is not hard, it just requires caring about another person and wanting to make them happy.
I SUPPORT YOU DARREN.YOU ARE DAMN RIGHT.
Shit, dude, I must have married a woman. He has emotions, even though society conditioned him that men should not have them. If he could have it his way, we’d have sex maybe annually, if at all, and has been that completely asexual since forever. I’m the one who’s always having a beer and he drinks that energy shit. Finally, men are not the only ones who know how to get over someone and be in bed with someone new the day after a break-up.
Either my husband is really a woman (and that would be cool with me) or generalizations are actually complete bull.
Men are simple, men are simple, men are simple, men are simple, men are simple. there is your list of five things. As Jeff Foxworthy has said “I think because women are so complicated they like to think men are as well, but we’re not.”
I don’t know about five things per say but here are a few. Being a man and doing some research on the topic by some really good experts this is what I have found. Men are simple to please and make happy. And their needs for love and happiness are pretty much the same across the board, much more so than women. Men’s self worth comes a lot from how their woman feels, though they may or may not realize it or want it to be this way or not, it doesn’t matter, Men’s self worth is very much affected by this. Its almost like a mirror effect. If she is happy then Men think, I must be doing my job right, even if what is making her happy is not directly related to him. If she is not then Men think it must because I failing somewhere or somehow. Even if its not fair, it won’t matter, its how a man is wired to feel for the one his heart truely loves. And above all I think men and women together when done the proper way can make eachother so much better as people than if they were just left alone to themselves. Being in a healthy loving and committed and relationship is the hardest things for men and women to do I think. It may require great sacrifice on both sides. The trick is to understand that the challenges that are faced in a healthy relationship do not hold you back as so many critics say, but are opportunities that can’t be duplicated in any other way.
Spectacular comment Heath – thanks for posting that.
So this is to Heath. I totally agree with you, that a man decides whether he’s Worthy or failing based on whether he is making the woman happy. Can you imagine how difficult that makes life for a woman when she confronts the guy about issues? The last guy I was with was always happy with me as long as I didn’t have any issues with anything, but anytime I had any he pulled away from me & said he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me anymore. I got to the point where I was scared of voicing any concerns & in the end, the relationship didn’t work 🙁
Heath nails it. Best post here. Men may need to understand women better….but women need to know the darker things that drive men…and most of these things start in boyhood and carry on through adult life. Being a Man is a lonely voyage, when it’s all said and done.
According to this, I’m a man. The generalizations…the stereotypes. But then again, you may be on to something, for I do not understand the majority of other women.
And women that think like you make the best friends and partners.
Brittany, I’m with you.
I’m totally with Britney – I’m not like this article at all. But Darren may be on to something as well – women that think like us do make the best friends. We get friend-zoned while guys chase the ones that challenge them with their “complexity”. Or at least that’s been my life experience.
Maybe it’s not cause they think like you, but maybe it’s because they made an effort understand you? You think?
Is this contrived?? I can’t believe that everyone has perfect grammar and punctuation.
“Women aren’t that complicated”…uh….uhhhh….Earth to writer…have you actually ever met a woman in your life?
Oh man, that must be the problem…in 28 years of living I have only met people who are male.
Can you help me?
And they day that sarcasm doesn’t translate well over text 😀
This sarcastic response was completely unnecessary. I would hope someone in your position (someone who claims to be able to teach) would understand that when teaching concepts, you must be patient with those who don’t understand the first time around. When a student uses humor to deflect their misunderstanding of your proposed theory, snapping back does not help your argument, but instead weakens it.
Please be careful with how you respond to your followers. I didn’t follow you before, but this popped up on my news feed on Facebook. I will continue to not follow you because of this response and my other arguments stated in my other comment.
Yeah they are that compilcated
I love it 🙂 We really aren’t that complicated. I think everyone tries to make us more complicated than we really are 🙂 I loved this article, and as a woman, DONUAN (oops did I say that out loud?) I agree with James. I think he captured us probably the best of every male I’ve ever met. He has obviously done his research. Thanks James 🙂
Oh no! Courtney isn’t going to follow you! I’m a 28 year old licensed psychologist who also uses sarcasm and appropriate shaming to try and reverse the direction society, in general, is heading. It is definitely acceptable to “call people out” on occasion to keep a few in check.
Omg Courtney calm down. Are writers not allowed to have a slight sense of humor? What was so offense about the response
Sheesh people need to take a chill pill.
HAH!
Yeah! You need to learn your gender roles! Get with the program.
Their basic needs like trust, respect, and love are simple, but when you don’t understand that, you over complicate the idea of what a woman is and needs. You could learn a thing or two from james.
Oh come on… think about your past relationships(if you had any)…. at one point, one of these ideas happened to you…sometimes, we do work with our emotions… and our wants and needs are not that complicated and are the same as what men’s wants and needs.
Fuck gender essentialism – http://www.robot-hugs.com/interpretation/
I kinda love you a little bit for sharing that link.
Yes I concur! Thank you!
Beeeautiful
I think women have been fighting against ideas like this for decades. Plus, men are actually more emotional than women, here’s why: http://thurberbrigade.blogspot.com/2012/06/im-getting-emotional.html
I have always believed there are more differences within the sexes than between them. As a woman I agreed with about half of what you said. In the Myers-Briggs personailty test, which I think is a better way to approach how people respond in a relationship, one dimension is how decisions are made,thinking versus feeling. Roughly 66% of women and 33% of men prefer to use feelings. So more women prefer to use feelings but there are still 33% of the women that make decisions based on thinking. And that is only one of four dimensions. The other three have no male/ female dominance. Which goes back to my statement…more differences within the sexes than between them.
I don’t particularly agree with this article, or articles like it. I think that, although most of these have good intentions – a desire to help both genders communicate and connect with each other – the idea behind these articles themselves are doing the exact opposite. Thinking that all women communicate one way and all men communicate another way is just further promoting gender stereotypes.
Something that particularly bothered me was this statement: “But, a woman’s desire is to be desired. Every societal norm, whether you agree with it or not, shows her that she is to be pursued. Are you waiting for her to make the first move? Stop. Can you imagine the blow to self-esteem when you are the object of desire, being made to feel undesirable?”
…Whaaaat? First, the statement “a woman’s desire is to be desired” itself is a very generalized, sexist stereotype that, yes, our society has unfortunately helped flourish. But “to be desired” certainly isn’t my greatest desire, nor is it the desire of many women that I know. Why not work to change the societal norms that cause some women to feel their worth comes from being desired? Instead of continuing to raise future generations in that mindset, and instead of trying to work and live within that idea, we should address the root of the problem: we think our worth comes from outward circumstances. It doesn’t come from other people. We need to start focusing on loving ourselves at our core.
Articles like this also promote the idea that we’re all separate. I personally believe that we are all connected. And I think a huge problem with communication nowadays is that we think everyone is so different from us. But they’re not. We’re only “separated” because we view ourselves as separate. And articles like this are just driving a wedge in between our male and female stereotypes, which broadens the gap. We give ourselves these “guidelines” on how to interact with each other when all we really need to do is just listen to each other with an open, loving heart.
Instead of trying to figure out how to appeal to these stereotypes that we’ve created, the only thing we need to learn is compassion and understanding. It’s important for us to start viewing each person we interact with as a mirror — not thinking of others as “you” but instead viewing them as “me” — so that our actions will stop being self-serving and start to benefit everyone & everything around us. If we start focusing on compassion and understanding, we won’t need these “guidelines” to navigate our way through a very overcomplicated society.
Whether we like it or not, there are gender differences. It’s very clear to see that when you’re at a Thanksgiving dinner & pretty much all the women are cooking while the men are watching football. It always angers me to see that, but whether we like it or not, it’s there.
Yeah. Those genitals completely define who I am as a person. Thanks for clarifying.
My only problem with this post is that you have grouped the entire population of the world (or maybe just the Western World) into two subgroups. Your arguments stated above would assume that all “Women” and “Men” act the same way. Genders do not actually exist. Biological sexes do, but gender is completely opposite. By limiting women to fall under those categories, you do not allow females to expand and grow in whichever way they like. They will start to follow the norms placed in front of them, and then a gender is born. Are you following my drift?
Genders do not exist. They have been created by society. What you are describing is (possibly the largest) a subset of females in western civilization. If a subset of males happens to be attracted to these females, then this advice would work.
Get it?
Eye roll to you! Go burn your bra.
Please explain to me the parts you disagree with. The short sentence of frustration did not communicate your argument clearly to me.
You are very annoying Courtney. Take a deep breath and relax a little.
Yes. I feel like Courtney gets upset at many things. Then, she uses a great tactic known as passive aggressiveness to seem even-tempered even though she is being insulting. Like so, “The short sentence of frustration…” When I read anything she types, all I hear is an animal sound.
The people that try to perpetuate that “gender is fluid” or “gender is relative” argument typically are people who don’t fit into the current system of things. Why adapt to others’ expectations when you can manipulate their standards to suit you?
To judge this man’s post because every word written doesn’t fit into each and every experience is so nauseatingly self-centered. There never has been and never will be anything written or spoken that can sum up the human experience for every single individual.
What is clearly demonstrated in this post is one person’s desire to understand and communicate the most basic, fundamental ways to love another human being, and that is beautiful. This post should be appreciated for what it is, not for what gender norms and societal bullshit are overlooked. I say this as a feminist scholar, a teacher of rhetoric, and a lesbian.
Thank you for giving the world a glimpse of your heart.
Thank you Sara! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your insight and voice of reason being added into this conversation.
– JMS
You’re absolutely welcome. People are critical assholes, especially behind the veil of a computer screen. Haters gon’ hate.
This is the perfect reply! I agree 100%
AMEN SARA!!
Thank you Sara,
As a woman with an MSW and having to work with clients, both male and female I think it is safe to say that men and women are different. Part of that is socially based, part of it is biological (hate to break it to some of ya, but we are not made the same). Should we all be treated with respect, have equal paying salaries? absolutely. But this poor guy is doing a good thing by trying to give our men a better understanding of women. Every single woman that was ever born on the face of the earth? no. Women as a hole living in the West, today. I think that it’s a wonderful change to have a blog helping men on how to better understand women. Because as far as I have noticed 99% of the time these articles are catered to females and “how to get a man” “understanding a man” “how to make sure he doesn’t cheat”…… I think that the last person that should be attacked by women from the looks of these comments, is a man trying to understand women, in a caring, genuine way. And on top of it he is trying to help his fellows out. From sessions with couples I can tell you that if most husbands tried to understand their wives like this man is attempting to do with women there would be a whole lot less fighting and a lot more compassion and understanding.
Thank you thank you thank you! I don’t know how to tell you how much I appreciate this comment, especially coming from someone with your level of experience.
I am trying to step outside of the norm and offer a new perspective on dating, relationships, and humanity as a whole. As has been said by a former co-worker, the first one through the wall gets hit by the bullets.
Readers like you who are willing to read and understand the article for what it is rather than adding your own agenda to it, are the beautiful people who I am looking to connect with along the way on the journey.
Looking forward to more of your input on this website.
– JMS
Hi Sarah! Totally agree with you….Impossible to think ALL people in the world feel and think the same way.
I love the post and yes, maybe does not, cannot define ALL women in the world but it gives a very close idea of ME MYSELF and how I feel as a woman!!!!!!
Focus on how you feel as individual, what you think, what you want to give to those around you in your life not on others people’s points of view…LOVE whou you are man or women
Unfortunately, I believe that this post may be unintentionally sexist. Please see my reply to it.
http://significantsurrender.blogspot.com/2013/12/an-open-letter-re-5-things-men-need-to.html
Lisa, you do understand that I am just a guy from Boston passing his viewpoints and attempt to understanding women onto the world in his personal blog, yes?
My degree is in marketing, not in psychology or anything in that field. I am speaking from experiences I have had – which is the only thing any of us truly have to go on.
And, it is well received by hundreds of thousands of women who have read this post.
Thanks for your comment, I’ll read your response when I have time – but know that I find your use of the word sexist towards me, of all people, who is trying to promote fairness, equality, and understanding; incredibly offensive.
– James
I don’t think this article is REMOTELY sexist. Sure, every bullet won’t fit every woman and/or man, but I appreciate this article and the purpose behind it. Lisa, you seem like you would probably be the type to find something sexist in anything/everything.
I do understand that which is why I used the word “untintentionally.” One of my main points is that if you want to understand a certain woman in your life, then operate on that. I don’t treat all men the exact same because they just so happen to be lumped into the segment of society called “men,” I treat them as individual people with individual ways of working – some of them work more emotionally than logically, others work more logically than emotionally, and some of them are fairly well balanced. If I treated them all the same, it would do some of them a great disservice.
I also believe that all of us are unintentionally sexist at times – evn I am. I, in no way, shape, or form, am perfect. I am as much a product of my culture as most people. I don’t believe that men and women are the same, I believe that there are some ways that men are strong where women are weak and vice versa and I celebrate the differences! They’re beautiful! However, the important thing is to let people be people and respect them enough to let them operate on their own way of operating. I also am writing from personal experience; that’s what makes it beautiful. We all have personal experiences. I have as much experience with women who can compartmentalize and work off of logic as women who are wonderful at multi-tasking and rely on emotions. I also have experience with men who claim they can compartmentalize- but what they’re truly doing is shutting off their emotions, emotionally abusing others (strangely enough, for having/expressing their emotions), and not allowing themselves the grace to feel.
The idea is to let people be people. Whatever their emotion:logic ratio is; whatever their multi-task:compartmentalize ratio is – let them be people. And celebrate the beauty that comes along with letting people be people. And part of that is the fact that we can agree to disagree. That’s beautiful, too.
I love it James !! Great job ! Some people will always find the bad in even the greatest things. I have a blog and I write MY Viewpoint and get the same shit. This is a great real perspective and viewpoint from a REAL person. You are trying to help. What are they doing ? Nothing but being trolling asshats with no solutions.
As a woman, I agree with this whole article. However, people need to realize that everyone is different, deals with emotions differently, has different needs, communication styles…. So attacking James for his own thoughts is just lame. Don’t like his logic? Go away and don’t waste your life creating arguments that really don’t matter. Write your own blog if you need to be heard. James, keep up the good work. The world needs more gentlemen like you 🙂
I’m extremely offended by how sexist this is. I can only hope that in the future people laugh at the misogyny of this article the same way we do about advertisements from the 1950s. Wow. Just wow.
Sorry to hear that, can you please explain the parts that are incorrect and inaccurate?
I’m deeply sorry for offending you, but unfortunately, being offended is not a valid logical argument against points of discussion.
There will always be one person to get offended about something. If a woman wrote the article to an exact T as to her ” 5 Things Men Need To Learn About Women”, there would still be women out there saying they got offended. It is inevitable.
I agree with Sara! Even though some of the blog post doesnt align perfectly with me personally I can really appreciate what youve written and think its hilarious if anyone on here thinks its anything but hypocritical to call it sexist or incorrect. Theres always going to be different opinions about gender, sex and relatioships and I enjoyes reading your thoughts.
And here, is a great example of stereotype propaganda. But first of, let me state; I don’t think the author meant harm by this article. I do believe that he was trying to do something positive, trying to spread understanding and communication between the sexes. However, the premise of the article does exactly the opposite.
Also, it’s rather silly that people are taking offense to the logical, fair arguments against this article. This man posted this article publicly. Of course there is going to be differentiating opinions. The way to spread real knowledge and understanding is to have respectful, honest discussions about opposing view points. Also, change doesn’t happen by staying apathetic about things. When you see stereotypes, sexism, etc expressed, even in an “innocent” manner, it should be addressed.
Thank you.
I thought this article was great! No I don’t fit every single thing said but we are all different. Like James said in one of his comments he’s found this out by experience. It’s not sexist at all! For those of you who think it is id like a good explanation of your definition of sexist! He wasn’t saying all woman are like this but a lot of woman (whether you admit it or not) do a few of these things on his list. He wasn’t meaning to offend people but merely share his experiences and understandings to help others! Most guys and girls’ thought process is different. And for the girls who are offended this guy tried to get to know how woman are, instead of saying we are complicated or too emotional like most other guys do…we should all be applauding him! Job well done!
I don’t find this all that useful in dispelling gender stereotypes. Personally I am fabulous at comparmentalizing. The minute I get home, I am in my sanctuary and am able to dispel negative emotions easily. Does that make me not a woman? I understand you saved yourself by saying “I’m not saying all the time, but most of the time” however I think this entry would better serve as advice for how people should generally treat others they love and not a man vs. woman thing.
This article is all based on incredibly shallow ideas of “man” and “woman.” It’s based in a binary that is weak and dying. In short people to need to learn about people. Man and woman have NOTHING to do with it.
Modern science and psychology disagree with you, but thanks for taking the time to comment!
James, stick some sociology in there and it will better help you inform why some generalizations are the way they are as well as what we can do to overcome them.
That binary will become weak and die when we stop reproducing sexually. Don’t hold your breath.
On a sub note, unrelated to the post:
No more reproduction wouldn’t be a bad thing. We are running out of resources, and the world is becoming extreme crowded and overpopulated every second.
/Sidenote
Regardless of whoever thinks this blog (keyword: blog) is controversial or sexist in any way needs to take a reality check. I don’t care what country, race, sex, orientation or religion you’re a part of – these very fundamental points James has made about the ways women like to be understood and treated are universal. They are not sexist. Women are anatomically different from men, as I’m sure everyone can tell. Because of these anatomical differences, there are resulting differences in the way each like to be treated by the opposite sex (more or less).
To say this is sexist is to be overly offended by something that is intended to help others understand universal gender behavior.
I see your argument, and I can understand why you might think that. Allow me to counterargue a few things, that I think have a greater possibility of being true.
I see you have used gender and sex interchangeably. Sex is male and female. Gender is man and woman. You are correct in stating that we are anatomically different. This calls out our sex. But different genitalia does not require different behavior structures. Gender is chosen, and thus does not exist on the permanent level some believe.
Let me explain via example: Have you ever met a female who resembles the characteristics of a western stereotypical man? This female may dislike cooking and cleaning, but finds great joy in hunting for her food and being outdoors. She is also very straightforward, and does not like to interpret actions, but wants know what you mean right away. She doesn’t require physical affection, as much as the idea of having a partner.
Do these things sound like a woman? Or perhaps a “manly woman”? A woman who is just “one of the guys”. Do you see the difference?
Gender was created by our society, and thus does not truly exist. I invite you to read more about this topic. A great place to start is a “Gender Trouble” by Judith Butler.
I like this one. Just answered the same question, “why are women so complicated and don’t know what they want. ” You say it perfectly. Great article. Sharing it with our readers :))) and on the person’s wall who posted the question.
Hi there, I went in to begin reading this prepared for some eye rolling and intending to hate it, but honestly I thought you did a great job and brought up some great points. These women thinking this is somehow sexist have not demonstrated proof but are supporting your argument- they are thinking emotionally, not logically. Most women are like what he said above whether or not society and its views made us that way it is true. We are more emotional in our lives thank god, since we have children (come on that whole infant stage is rough, thank god for all those loving emotional hormones!) that doesn’t mean that I can’t approach things logically (often when my man is approaching things emotionally and needs a logical viewpoint same as he does for me when I’m being emotional vs logical). My ability to think From my emotions makes me a better advocate for my patients, more concerned for others well being, and a great mother to my daughter, it does not mean its some negative. And honestly sir, kudos to you for showing its not necessarily a negative the way the typical stereotypes from men would suggest. The men on here worried about get me my beer and you better be naked those men are the problem, not he writer who is having an honest reflection at attempting to have a meaningful and up filling relationship. It doesn’t mean men are expected to jump through hoops but come on! Think of how many fights could be avoided if you dummies just thought about that fact that we aren’t thinking about it the way you are! I actually enjoyed your blog and what it had to say, I think it’s a step towards communicating better and if men would listen they would benefit fr what you have to say with the majority of women.
You actually state things I’ve been saying for years. That, obviously, makes me a “man” and “sexist,” but I’ve known men think logically, and women think emotionally, for years. I have a degree in Psychology, and this is stated fact, not opinion or hearsay. It’s biological. Attack me if you want, but James is not being sexist, or racial, or any of those other negative things. He is, as a man, bringing up a point using logic, and we as women are responding emotionally; we are simply backing up his statements with actions. So basically, all you women who are responding by calling James sexist are simply proving his point over and over again. If you want to actually get through to making your point, try stating something logically.
Ha, I love it! This is great to hear from someone with your educational background. I don’t see how anything in this article can be taken negatively as an insult, it’s all stated very neutrally and “matter of fact” in order to help others out.
Thanks again for your amazing comment, hopefully many take it to heart.
– James
Thank you 🙂 I hope so too. I was reading the comments, and just had to say something. Women HAVE to be more emotional. It’s how we connect with our children, and with our partners. Men HAVE to be more logical. It’s how they work and keep a job and provide for their families. It’s the way God created us. Goes all the way back to the cavemen when the men would go out and hunt to provide the game and food while the women stayed in the cave and cared for the children. Men had to be logical, and decide where the best hunting grounds were. Women had to connect with the children and keep peace in the household. I’m not saying those things are the same these days, simply because women work now, but the biological basis is still there. So to call you sexist by trying to define those lines, and help us understand they’re even there, is stupid. Keep up the good work!!
It just amazes me how people will always find negative in something positive and always will always find a reason for it to be wrong instead of right. Good grief! It was a wonderful article. Both Men and Woman need to be educated on this kind of thing. It can be an ugly world out there and we always have room for improvement! So people, soak this up. Learn something from it. Embrace it. Be a better you! Man or woman.
And for you Mr. James, keep it coming. You are a wise man.
(Not many “get it” in this world)
your comment needs a “like” button. Well said 🙂
I enjoyed reading this article. From my perspective of who I am and how I work it is right on. It is nice to think there are men out there that aren’t criticizing us for our differences but embracing them and trying to understand them. Keep up the good work!
This entire article basically says we, as men, need to coddle women because their emotions overrule rational thinking, self esteem, and their ability to communicate effectively.
Perhaps that’s what you read, sir, but it is certainly not what I wrote.
Actually, what he’s saying, James, is that he would prefer to see us this way, because it gives him an excuse to treat us badly…oops. Did I actually say that out loud? Whenever a man uses the word “coddle” it means he’s a chauvinistic ASS who doesn’t see his woman as an equal, but sees her as a responsibility, and an unwelcome one at that.
So this is to Heath. I totally agree with you, that a man decides whether he’s worthy or failing based on whether he is making the woman happy. Can you imagine how difficult that makes life for a woman when she confronts the guy about issues? The last guy I was with was always happy with me as long as I didn’t have any issues with anything, but anytime I had any he pulled away from me & said he didn’t know if he wanted to be with me anymore. I got to the point where I was scared of voicing any concerns & in the end, the relationship didn’t work 🙁
Reblogged this on TheExuberantTruth and commented:
AMEN!! Everything I have been saying for years!
Great article if it had a disclaimer attached that not all women are emotionally, insecure, passive creatures…blah blah…
Can you show me where those words are used descriptively in the article? Because those are certainly not my thoughts.
Thanks,
– James
Personally, I think you’re the insecure one if you got ANYTHING like that from this article. I’m a very strong, independent woman, and I fit this article like a glove. I felt like I was reading about my relationships. Does this article fit every single woman on the planet? of course not, because of differences in beliefs, culture, etc…but just because as a woman you want your man to understand you better, and there’s a man out there willing to try to help us out? suddenly us women are insecure and passive? seriously? Wow, do you need a dictionary, because I don’t think you know what those words mean.
i find it hard to accept that women have a harder time with rejection just because they are supposed to be desirable according to societal standards. men want to be desirable also but we have the accept the fact that we arent desirable to everyone (or anyone in some cases) and more times than not we have to talk women into something your almost positive that she doesnt want to do (talk to you)
Wow… Such venom! I consider myself a strong and intelligent woman. And, while I don’t need a man in my life to “complete” me, I DO have a man in my life that compliments me. He exemplifies each and every trait mentioned above. While this information may not fit the profile for every woman of “what women want,” I believe it hits the nail on the head for the majority.
Unfortunately, many feel the need to “tear down” anything that may go against their own opinions instead of acknowledging that there are MANY points of view and, understanding that, each point can still differ and be correct at the same time. I guess what I am attempting to convey is: “Haters gonna hate.”
It’s not the fact the women are more “emotional” and men logical that is sexist. It’s the fact that society as a whole believes being “emotional” or possessing any of the more inherently feminine qualities is a weakness and such qualities are generally less valuable to our society than masculine ones. We’re pretty quick to say ‘this is the way men are’, ‘this is the way women are’ – but we still hold the men’s qualities to be the most valued — we won’t admit that both ways are equally important to make this world go round……
In any case – I thought this was a great blog…..out of all the ‘What Women Want’ blogs – this one I agreed the most with – no whiff of the cliched ‘women are crazy’ sort of mindset or canned advice that typically comes when men attempt to explain women – either humorously or in earnest (with most of them I can’t figure out, the advice seems so superficial) but just come out with these grossly offensive generalities or even worse — the blogs that try to tie up what men want as “SEX” ‘Hahaha, (*elbow, elbow*) – see ladies – we’re really not that hard to figure out – unlike y’all!!!!” (EYE ROLL)
There is more of an understanding on behalf of the author that it comes down to respect and empathy – understanding a person and putting yourself in their situation (as best you can when you’re of a different sex) because really – both sexes want pretty much the same things – but have different ways of getting there….there is a mention of the differences in men and women – but absolutely no connotation that one sex’s inherent characteristics might be preferable over another’s…
Only part that struck a nerve (in a minute way) — was the author’s statement that women fear rejection more than men and their self-esteem is more deeply rooted in their ‘desire to be desired’….I respectfully disagree with this statement but maybe I’m looking at this is too broad a context? I take this statement to mean that the author believes a woman looks to a man’s desire of her for her own validation and worth and that’s not true at all. It sounds more like the lie that women have been told that has led to the unhealthy objectification of women that is rampant in our society now (i.e. ‘your goal as a woman is to be desired by men – more skin, less clothes, more make-up, more promiscuity, less virtue – whatever it takes, right?!)
Do I believe in a relationship, one of a woman’s desires is to be desired? Yes, of course – but I’d venture to guess a man’s primary concern in a relationship is being desirable, as well – is it not? From my perspective – a man should be the one to make the first move because doing so puts him in control, boosts his own ego and sets the tone for the relationship by affirming to himself his own ‘manliness’. In my own opinion, men’s views and security in themselves as men is more fragile than a woman’s security in herself as a woman….our society is scheduled by norms that reinforce ways a man should be ‘manly’ — making the first move and asking the female out is one of those ways….
Anyways – thanks for the insightful blog – interesting read and nice to know there are men out there who view women in a positive light. It seem there are a lot less men AND other women who do that nowadays….
The part that says “Women do no compartmentalize” is not necessarily true. How many times have you heard about a husband stressed or upset from work and taking it on the wife and children? This is very common actually.
Algebra, like all math, is the same in every country….
That’s fine and all but two of these things end up driving a wedge in almost every relationship I’ve ever had
Their ability (or lack of) to compartmentalize. Do you know how tiring it is to always be the brunt of a woman’s bad day? I don’t care if you apologize to me every time. I still have no idea when you are going to turn a bad day into a good one and how much energy it’s actually going to cost me in order to come out as the good guy on the record books (because we all know if you say something rude – even after being provoked – you will go down as the villain in their mental history book of your relationship) I want to provide comfort – but I will not be target practice. I don’t tolerate this in a woman. My inability to tolerate it, however, has left me single quite often.
Always taking the initiative = snoozefest. I want a strong-minded individual. Rejection sucks. Societal norms suck. I don’t expect to pay for every single date and I certainly don’t expect her to conform to always waiting on me to take the initiative.
I understand men and women are different but at a certain point we are just enforcing cultural stereotypes.
My husband and I are both young as many people like to say. We have only been married for a little over a year. The majority of our early arguments were from lack of understanding/communications. I thought he know what I was thinking or what I meant when I said something. If I got mad over something, I felt he knew why it “touched a button.” Recently, I started to explain to him more in depth about what EXACTLY was the reason as to why I was unhappy. I also told him how most women think. Ever since then we really have not had a large disagreement. Now, we just agree to disagree. Hah.
The things outlined above are glaring obvious to most of us – what the author left out is what men should do to adapt. Sure a woman and a man compartmentalize differently – as a man how do I work with the fact she doesn’t leave work at work?
[…] friend on Facebook shared this blog post called “5 Things Men Need to Learn About Women”. I thought it was a good read – it […]
Well written, and right on point. Love posts like these (:
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Wow. Pushing past the thick forest of venom and negativity, I’d just like to leave a few thoughts. Do with it what you will.
So I know this has been stated many times, but it really does bear repeating: The author has no intention of being insulting, degrading or offensive. What he does have is his own perspective, one that many *ahem* women have expressed they share. Of course, the fact that some women disagree is just another perspective held by other women. Or men. Or maybe even cultures as a whole. Everyone’s got their own, they do with them what the will. But in reality, some perspectives are held by more than others. I would also say that, unfortunately, stereotypes exist for a reason. At some point, somewhere, they were the norm, the truth, etc. In large, many current stereotypes can help one more than hurt, depending on how you use them. Same goes for this article. Whether you hate it or love it, if you’d kindly pull your head out of your a** and look at this from an even slightly impersonal or open minded perspective, you could identify with many of these points, whether personally or as a bystander.
Now that I’ve gotten that said, please think for 5 seconds before posting the negative replies of “hypocrite, close minded, stereotypical, promoting sexism/societal constraints/gender inequalities, being a douche bag, etc” origin, and at least try to identify with this, even if you know you can’t. And have a nice day
[…] post was originally published on James Michael Sama’s blog. He is a writer, blogger, social media marketer and on air/live event host based in Boston, […]
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[…] post was originally published on James Michael Sama’s blog.He is a writer, blogger, social media marketer and on air/live event host based in Boston, […]
[…] post was originally published on James Michael Sama’s blog. He is a writer, blogger, social media marketer and on air/live event host based in Boston, […]
[…] post was originally published on James Michael Sama’s blog.He is a writer, blogger, social media marketer and on air/live event host based in Boston, […]
Normal I am in haste and in no mood to comment but this is very good. You are awesome. I will be following you
Thank you James, for giving those words so my husband can better understand ME.
Reblogged this on Sunny Skyes.
Reblogged this on I Know He's Out There Somewhere and commented:
It’s like James is reading my mind!
[…] 5 Things Men Need To Learn About Women. […]
Most of that reads like a woman talking to a woman. No.. scratch that. ALL of it reads that way.
I’ll take that as a compliment because it supports my understanding of women and the accuracy of the article.
Thanks!
– JMS
EW bitch, why are you writing this? Has society become so feminine that men are starting to validate feelings over truth, thoughts over facts, commitment over individuality? Women are women and men are men. If there was a need for one to become the other, then one would be obsolete.
Actually it has been believed since the discovery of the first translated religious texts that Women and men originally spawned from a hermaphrodite race of beings known as the Elohim. The asexual beings split us into single sex organisms in order for us to find our way back to one another in order to understand and appreciate ourselves better. In our single sex forms, humanoids can better appreciate the piece of us we are obviously missing in the opposite sex. This is explained in the bible when Eve was pulled from Atom and the two became lovers. So if it is seen in this way, we are actually supposed to find our feminine side as men in order to better service a woman in love. This doesn’t mean we have to express femininity by any means. It just means we their is a part of us that we need to tap into in situations that require us to have understanding and compassion for our female counterparts. A lot of this is explained in white tantra and Egyptian Yoga.
Sounds like he just yanked these out of the book “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.”
Plus, the pics are way too fake and don’t personify the average human, looks more like a J Crew catalog. Obviously this article is placating to women and not men.
I personally worry more about the state of our world than this petty nonsense, If you can’t communicate with your significant other and be happy without all this babble about What a woman wants, than you’ve already lost. We all should have much bigger things too think about.
Hi George, thanks for your comment!
That’s the second time someone has mentioned the book “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus,” I actually haven’t read it, would you recommend it? Sounds like it would be of interest given the topics I write about.
Thanks again for your feedback, and worry not, plenty of my time is spent discussing “real world” issues – remember, this is only a blog post.
– JMS
Classy response JMS. A true gentleman responds generously even to negativity. Your actions speak louder than your posts. Thank you for witnessing to true masculinity. Praying your blog posts continue reflecting genuine character and depth.
Good support, Evelynn! I support your support! : ) Really classy response gave JMS!
you are alone right .now you know why .I have been married to the same women for 30 years and believe me this James guy know what he is talking about .oh and by the way its been30 years HAPPY .
Very well written and very true! Back when my fiance and I were dating, he really thought I was complicated and didn’t understand my personality. Then, as time went by and he got to know me more and more, he learned that I wasn’t complicated at all. He just needed time to grow and understand me.
Like you said, we’re human beings that want to feel loved, respected, and desired. All my fiance had to do was listen, observe, learn, and love me for who I am. Thanks for writing your article; it’s very genuine and caring.
your blog is very nice I like it if you want to get more entertainment you would click on
i read the man one first (being a man) & it was funny but true. A good read & a good laugh. I entertained myself with the woman one & it’s exactly what I thought it would be – a casting role for the lead heart throb in a typical rom-com.
I have a gf & we get on fine. We are like mates & have a great relationship without all this ‘decompartmenatlize’ crap.
x
1. A woman’s feelings are her own responsibility, as mine are mine. People don’t make others feel a certain way. A person reacts to words and actions as they choose.
2. People work on both logic and emotion, intertwined. You oversimplify. Women are taught to value their emotions over logic and are therefore ghettoized in a world in which they only have indirect control.
3. Women do compartmentalize. This is just a restatement of thing #2 about women being ruled by their emotions.
4. Of course what women want isn’t complicated. It’s the delivery system that’s complicated. Trying to hit a target that is moving in a random escape and evasion maneuver fueled by passive aggressiveness is the problem. If we could provide love respect, trust and adoration by just listening and being nice, we would not be having this discussion.
5. Making the man the pursuer does not yield dividends for women. What it does is create shallow, committment-phobic men who focus on physical beauty and conquests.
All in all a cursory treatment of conventional wisdom that is neither insightful or news.
Thank you! Im so sick of seeing this type of crap on my facebook feed! This reply IS PERFECT, especially #1. When are people going to take some accountability for their own thoughts and feelings? What happens to you is not always able to be controlled, but only you can determine how you react to each given situation.
Although I do agree that we are supposed to tap into our masculine and feminine sides in order to better coexist with the opposite sex; this response is pretty accurate in terms of humans needing to be stronger minded in order to overcome adversity.
This, right here. ALL of this. Well articulated, Chris.
SPOT ON
Good stuff James!
Now I just need to remember it and use it.
Thanks.
Reblogged this on BE YOURSELF.
I’ll bet this guy’s not married!
If you’re referring to me, nope! Happily in a relationship, though!
Thanks for your comment!
– JMS
Nicely written but I disagree and feel the article comes across as stereotyping women as a homogenous group. Not all women feel this way or respond to these stimuli. Cultural, experiential, peer influences and biological leanings all affect the way all humans act and interact. Men and women are different, and once people get their head around THAT then they will start to be more effective with both sexes around them.
Not all women or all men are one way or the other, and it’s people that spread leaping, generalizable, stereotypical trash such as this as though it were verifiable fact that make it worse for boys and girls to make an identity for themselves when they don’t fit these gender constructs.
It’s interesting that you say that men work with logic and women with feelings when this article doesn’t provide a single ounce of logical information.
I mean no offense, but this is really out of touch with what gender is. I think you’re over generalizing all genders and attributing behaviors on people who are more complex in their wants and personalities then being driven simply by gender. But thanks for not being mean at least, most of these lists tend to read like, “women are annoying and should stop asking to be heard” so thanks for that.
Absolutely LOVE this article. Seems to me however, that the only ones that don’t agree with this is some of the guys. Since the article is about the 5 things to understand about WOMEN, it stands to say that we women are the only one’s that can state whether or not the article is valid…..and since all the women comments are agreeing then GREAT JOB JAMES. 🙂
Well said Tiffany! That is very true! Women are the only real sex that can validate how much truth is in this article. A lot of these guys could actually stand to open up mentally and let that sink in for a good while.
I like the article too, and am no authority on whether it is accurate or not. I do however find it convenient for you to monopolize the question of whether it is valid, since I think the discussion should be broader than that. As others have commented, it may well be valid, but is it reasonable? Is it reasonable to expect your partner to read your mind, respond exactly as you require, etc.? I would say no. I think it is really damn spoilt.
If it is so simple then why the long drawn out explanation on every point.STOP TRYING TO BE SO COMPLICATED!
Well, Charles, it would be quite a short and boring article to read if there wasn’t any explanation for each point, wouldn’t it?
All you need to do is tell ’em you love them, and feed them chocolate.
Boy do you need schooling!!
Thanks so much for writing this. SO much. Dead on. I love it!
Thank YOU Staci. 🙂 Feel free to share!
Already did, because the world needs to read this! 🙂
A guy should always see his girlfriend before doing anything else especially when they don’t live together like high school sweethearts. if he hasn’t seen her in a few days, he should also go see her even if its for 5 or 10 min.
I am a woman and found this article offensive and sexist. It strongly goes along with stereotypes and seperates men and women even more. I can’t believe girls are posting this on my Facebook feed.
In what way is this pretty good point of view separating women and men even further? I would like to know the basis for your opinion if you care to share one. Just you typing the words “I am a woman” leads me to believe you just expect the readers to believe your opinion matters more than the multitudes of women who agree with this post and say it is spot on, because your a woman who is against compassionate men apparently. Do you like douchebags or jerks then? Maybe you like pimps and chauvinists? How is it separating us more for a man to give other men advice on how he believes we should be more compassionate to a woman’s care’s and feelings? He isn’t telling us to disregard our own. He’s just telling us how he believes a typical woman thinks and the intelligent way to approach set women. Maybe you aren’t the typical woman, but several women on this feed agree with him. I think compassion is what all humans need to do for one another in order to better get a long on this planet. Compassion promotes unity not division. Believing that compassion and caring promotes division divides you from many.
I feel like you’ve over generalized women completely. Yes, I know some women who would fit this article to a “T”.. However I myself, and others that I know are not nearly anything like this. If I have a bad day I drink a beer, vent, and then get over it. I take responsibility for my emotions and in my relationship, under no circumstances would I feel justified in taking them out on my boyfriend.
I guess what I’m saying is, you’re wrong. Women are complicated, because we definitely are not as simple as an “one article fix all”. I feel bad for the poor schmuck that takes your mediocre opinion, with obvious lack of experience, as a fact.
Your ideals are cute though, maybe you should consider writing a romantic comedy or something.
Women gravitate to men who are in touch with their feelings? Yeah, so all the douche bags get the girls because they’ve found their feminine side.
Looks like you might be confusing the guys who are seen as just a fling for the guys who are seen as long term relationship material, Paul.
just another example of chauvanism what a player no a little boy who has learned to manipulate go get your teddy bear
Sorry, Eric, I’m having a hard time figuring out who your comment is directed at. Could you clarify a bit?
Thanks!
– James
that’s the problem.guys have became so good at their game that its hard to really tell whether it will last or not..because DA fling game now is played different, it reaches a point where one part is like wow!thank GOD I Found MY MEN..before you know it DA white bedsheets are brown cos DA are used to clean the tears of DA end of DA fling game.
the douche bags will manage to date us for a short period of time but not for a life time..dated most of them i cnt remember one word they said o i remember is me screening for the lord to save me from hell.cos thats how it feelin lk when u are dating a guy who is uncaring about your feels
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iangshouyitanを。
「「ああ、良い。 ”
「行きまし笹川元はうなずいた。 「私は自分のメール室で、ワードローブを開いて、スーツのジャーを見て、やや上向きに、猫の目のペアを停半身をやや智彦に目をため息をついた。 「があります。 ”
祐一は彼の顔の硬女は早退に曲げ。
「それを、私は戻ミ川は？ “男は桐原に尋ねた。彼の目はオすることはできないことを思い出した。
身なので、彼の母親の驚きを聞かせていますトで覆われ、いくつかのアイドルゲストがあ
[url=http://www.lesena-igrala.si/include/]クロエ バッグ[/url] 々を見た表情で
牟田。 「よさそうだ。かに懐疑的。彼は心の中のアイデアを考えたる和風の家に囲まれて、小さな手首のドアがる少しのお金を費やすことはありませんでし
「ここにボスがか」笹川元は尋ねた。
た。
「私たちの「潜水艦」で一味違。
南青山での店を
、チェンを数回て微笑んだ。 「当然のことながら、最も効備ができて、棚の上に戻ってジーンズを置くア玄関錠を開くことができるので、扉を開くケースを追跡？”古賀2の鋭いショットライ唐沢の耳の問題？ “今枝は尋ねた。
とと激怒、心が小さすぎるのを感じたことは見えた。江Liziは助けることが恥ずかし
[url=http://www.visualdiscomix.com/vibic/]プラダ 財布 アウトレット[/url] こで新宿駅から、そこにバスステーションの訪問を手配して、彼は何千人もが彼らの打撃それを排出でしょうか？技術情報は厳格な管
エンベロープは、今朝耳唐沢雪の写真で満時点ではなく、ドアはまだロックされていまい。 「これは安全である場合には、銀行の疑問を持っていた：桐原洋介たった一人のク
[url=http://www.visualdiscomix.com/vibic/]プラダ 財布[/url] し、参加することを強制しません参照してく件についての手がかりは考えていなかったもにし始めた。彼はこのアクションを見ました頻繁に眠って。彼が住んでいた尋ねた、唯一大阪の母親に唐沢雪のスパイクを知るhuaが、空があった「はい、彼らは……ょう。さらには自分がクラブの道を話す
Royal ce moment passez avec vous, je vous remercie beaucoup pour cette lecture.
this is a very interested blog i really like it
A great write up and the fact that ur a man, hats off to u! <3
Good job, James. Solid read. I completely agree. We are not as different as men think we are. They just get freaked out because we utilize emotions and men don’t (as much). I love your writing. Hopefully, the rest of the world will see what I see and change for the better. So glad you were rated best male blog! You deserve it! I’m happy to be a new follower and will support you as much as I can.
i loved this, but my only comment is regarding your offering that women are less likely than men to speak their mind about what it is they need or desire. strong, self-actualized women do not operate in this fashion (yes- i said “we” and include myself in that esteemed group of women.) we, quite frankly, operate much like men, in women’s bodies, with a woman’s acceptance of the influence of emotion. and i think that is a good thing. as a gender, we would behoove ourselves if we just for once realized that it’s okay to ask for exactly what you want and, either, receive it, or be told “no.” in many instances, there is nothing wrong with “no.” “no,” in fact, is just as powerful for a woman as it is for a man. the giving of it should be no less painful than the receiving, when it comes to matters such at this one. we should own it, yet we (often) don’t. just my two cents.
Thumbs UP!
未読スルー、既読スルー、定型文お断り、 .
逆にどうでもいい奴には祝電以上のことはやっていない .
結婚式 贈る言葉 名言
そいつは2年後にはやっぱり離婚してたけどそれなら返さなくてすんだのに馬鹿なやつだなやっぱり.
ご祝儀集めて豪華に！がブライダル関係にとっていいわな.
洋服にこだわりが無さすぎる人(こういう服で自分を表現していいと思う人なのか…などと想像してがっかりします)店員さんに横柄な態度をとる人。
. 最初は既婚者が何やってんだと思ったが、何人もいたので最近はどっちもどっちだなと思うようになった。.
What’s up mates, nice piece of writing and nice urging commented at this place, I am in fact enjoying by these.
Wow, as a woman I say: “Bravo”. This is spot on!
Reblogged this on Reflections and commented:
I do not usually reblog others’ posts, however, I found analysis so correct, I have to share!
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Thank yyou for being you